WIBU to allow dd to wear a ripped dress to go to contact?

[JasmineHoneysuckleManure]

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold). She is never ill.

She has a dress, which is two layers of fine cotton material, which is her absolute favourite. She always chooses to wear it and cries when it is in the wash. It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things), so I have taken the decision to let her wear it until it is unwearable, since she loves it so much.

Dc were seeing dad at a playground today. Weather is cold but sunny and they were running around pretty much the whole time. Dd insisted in wearing the dress. I insisted on thick tights beneath and a warm hoody and padded coat as well. She was wearing the hoody at handover, at which point I explained to dad that the dress was her choice, is her favourite, etc.

Later on, she obviously decided to remove her jumper and he made her pose for pics front and back and sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it.

WIBU to allow her to wear the dress? At the moment tbh a ripped dress is the least of my concerns....

@TheYearOfSmallThings

He is being a dick and I would ignore him.

However I would have got rid of the dress long ago. If I allowed my DS(6) autonomy in these matters he would be unwashed with rotten teeth, uncut hair, and dressed in raggedy clothes. I just won't let him go around like that. He must wash, he must brush his teeth, he must get his hair cut, and he must put on clothes which fit and are in good condition. Summer clothes in January would be a no.

I don't let her chose everything. She gets washed, hair brushed, teeth brushed, bed early, school work done, etc etc. The things that matter imo are the ones I concentrate on.

It really is just this one dress that she is so obsessed with currently. The rest of her clothes are fine, and if they get badly damaged they go. But this dress is a huge deal to her right now.

She's 6 she's playing for fun outdoors, enjoying life wearing something she loves 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

I couldn't get upset about it. Plenty of time for her to confirm to social/peer pressure.

@Mountainpika

To add to my other suggestions - make a pyjama bag with the dress. She can keep it close when she's in bed.

I'm somewhat bothered by all the 'bin it' posts. Would people advocate binning a favourite old toy? OK, the dress isn't a toy, but to the little girl it's something as important and as treasured as a toy. Toy or dress - doesn't matter to her. Both loved.

Making something from it is a very good idea which I expect will appeal strongly to dd. I will work on this with her.

I would tell him if he feels that strongly about it, he can explain to his daughter why she can't wear it again.

I wouldn't let my DC wear it and would be annoyed if my ex sent my DC out in ripped clothing. I would be throwing out or donating any outgrown or damaged items.

Let him have the fight with her! So not worth it. Loads of kids go round dressed quite bizarrely and in most cases it’s obvious they’re exerting their will. Good character trait for future success. Your partner should admire it in instances like this where it doesn’t matter.

Maybe just let her wear it when she’s with you then, my ex doesn’t see our kids but if my mum was to pick up me daughter and I sent her out in ripped clothes she would definitely be commenting on it, so maybe just don’t send her with others like that. I can see why he felt embarrassed

@MargaretThursday

My dc have been out to many things with totally unsuitable clothes. I tend to have a view that I bought most of it second hand, and if it gets spoilt, then so what. They were the child in tutu and wellies at the playground in November. They grew out of it.

However I think I'd have drawn the line there, OP. One very simple reason: You say It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things)
Wearing a dress like this to the playground was surely asking for her to catch it on something and totally rip it to shreds. Then her upset and her df trying to comfort her, and possibly her out there is something that really can't be worn and no spare clothes.

It makes me wonder if there was a little bit of sending her in it deliberately to wind him up, or hoping he'd have her upset.
At 6yo, she's old enough to say "no," and the reason of it being ripped further is a perfect one. That's what I would have said.

And see if you can get a replacement on ebay. You probably will find one close enough if you look.

We go to the playground everyday, and she wears it when it's clean. It hasn't ripped to pieces and didn't today. Honest to god - I did not chose to send her in this. I tried to reason with her that she should wear something else and offered several other options. She was adamant and I could see the way it was going and that it would not be conducive to a positive contact session for any of the dc if dd dig her heels in and we had a row. So I let her wear it.

JasmineHoneysuckleManure - (not sure how to tag people here!)

Hope she likes the idea and you make something else she can love. Do let us/me know! x

Painful as it is, I would pick this as a battle. Thinking ahead to when school resumes over a month away (sooner if you are in Wales), as then it will be totally unsuitable and get comments, or even if discussed by your DC at school.

Using it for something else may offer a way out.

@marshmallowfluffy

My dd was the same at that age and often wore clothes that were too small so I sympathise with surrendering to the stubbornness.

I understand why your ex thinks it reflects on him if his dd is in tatty clothing as people will see her and assume that he's negligent or tight but you're not stopping him from buying a new dress and encouraging her to get changed into it instead.

Tbh I would have damaged the dress and blamed the washing machine before this point. My kids sometimes wore clothes that were past their sell by date but this dress sounds even worse than that.

Tbh ex is negligent and tight, just in other ways that really matter 😂 That is why he has just 2hrs of supervised contact per month which has to be in public and not at his house. But that's a whole other thread.

I think many of the responses would have been very different if the op was reporting that her ex was dressing her daughter in a flimsy ripped dress in winter time.

I think children should be involved in what they wear, they should be given choices but once it's ripped and/or not weather appropriate the adult needs to step in and say it's not suitable. My girls wore some eccentric combinations when they were little but I'd never have let them leave the house in ripped clothing.

I think many of the responses would have been very different if the op was reporting that her ex was dressing her daughter in a flimsy ripped dress in winter time.

Yep I already posted that, they would be completely different if it was the dad dressing the child in this way!

She is 6, you are the parent, she wears what she is told to

I would have the issue with him not understanding the dress is important to her rather than the dress itself, and it’s sad that some posters can’t see past that either. Just shows how judgmental people are. I totally understand as a parent to a child with ASD some people’s mentality that you are ‘too soft’ because you allow them to wear clothes they feel comfortable in, I’d rather them be comfortable happy and heard.

He would be accused of neglect

@Whatwouldscullydo

Sometimes you have to set a boundary though. Not all clothes are practical for all occasions. For a trip to the park u wouldn't encourage a a floor length maxi dress and party shoes for example. Nor would you have them dress for pre school on a 200 pound monsoon dress purchased for your brothers wedding.

Well yes, but she wasn't in any of these - and couldn't be because she doesn't own any!

@Mountainpika

JasmineHoneysuckleManure - (not sure how to tag people here!)

Hope she likes the idea and you make something else she can love. Do let us/me know! x

Will do!

@lalafafa

I can understand him being embarrassed, bin the dress and stop letting your dd rule you.

Jesus. The lack of empathy on this thread for a small child is distressing. The kid's six. Her parents are separated. She has to have "contact" sessions with an otherwise absent father. And like all other children she's spent the last year having her normal life disrupted by a pandemic.

She likes wearing an old tatty dress. It makes her happy. It's something she can choose.

Why would you want to bring up a child to think they have no freedom to make harmless, frivolous choices about personal style?

@peak2021

Painful as it is, I would pick this as a battle. Thinking ahead to when school resumes over a month away (sooner if you are in Wales), as then it will be totally unsuitable and get comments, or even if discussed by your DC at school.

Using it for something else may offer a way out.

At school she wears school uniform. There are no battles around school clothes.

On the subject of school several pp have mentioned that school would note a concern if child came in ripped clothing - I'm sure they would if it happened persistently. But dd was wearing proper thick tights today - the type that are basically leggings with feet, and wears the same type to school. Several times she has forgotten to put her school skirt back on after PE and no teacher or staff member noticed so she's spent the rest of the day at school in tights and been sent home like that. Which has caused me to raise eyebrows each time, but I guess shows that, given she has a jumper to wear over the dress, she was actually perfectly suitably dressed for the weather.

Could you make the dress into a dress for her teddy? That way she gets to keep it and be dressed appropriately.

Tell him to fuck off

YABU. If her Dad does not see very often and wants to take photos of his DC it is unreasonable of you to let her wear a torn dress. I am not surprised he was embarrassed. She is 6 and you are the adult.

Pick you battles don’t rise to him. She was happy hardly a sign of neglect?

Though I pretty confused by people saying they wouldn’t let their child out in ripped clothes, it sounds more like this is a much loved dress with a few worn out bits not falling apart or half dressed. Do people judge a perfectly presented child with slightly worn clothes?
I have a much loved hoodie my go to for comfort - sadly it really is tooo far gone to be worn outside but I’m an adult and sadly realise how judgemental people are now :( I’m guess this is her comfort when she wears it she feels like a princess or something that makes her feel strong or helps her escape a nervous situation or she in her head thinks she looks amazing and wants to show this to her Dad. Who are we to judge or take that away from a child.

I would have handled it differently. We have house rules, one of which is I get to set the expectation of clothing when leaving the house. The dress sounds like it’s one only to be worm at home. Or I would lose it in the wash. Alternatively you could have taken an alternative outfit in a bag and let Dad have the clothing battle.

Your response to him was good, don’t let him control you.