WIBU to allow dd to wear a ripped dress to go to contact?

[JasmineHoneysuckleManure]

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold). She is never ill.

She has a dress, which is two layers of fine cotton material, which is her absolute favourite. She always chooses to wear it and cries when it is in the wash. It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things), so I have taken the decision to let her wear it until it is unwearable, since she loves it so much.

Dc were seeing dad at a playground today. Weather is cold but sunny and they were running around pretty much the whole time. Dd insisted in wearing the dress. I insisted on thick tights beneath and a warm hoody and padded coat as well. She was wearing the hoody at handover, at which point I explained to dad that the dress was her choice, is her favourite, etc.

Later on, she obviously decided to remove her jumper and he made her pose for pics front and back and sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it.

WIBU to allow her to wear the dress? At the moment tbh a ripped dress is the least of my concerns....

Update: (and thanks to all the posters who suggested similar)

Discussed the dress with dd this evening, I promised to get the new golden dress finished (I am a good dressmaker - it won't be random), and suggested making favourite dress into something for her toys. She got very excited about her two favourite stuffies being able to have matching outfits, and favourite dress being preserved forever. Result!

This can’t be the only dress the child has

It was the dress the child wanted to wear and the OP was able to add other items to make the overall outfit appropriate to the weather. That was a perfect solution.

I have a 6 year old so sympathise. My DD gets like that over clothes and its sometimes not worth an argument.

On the ripped jumper/clothes at school point they wouldn't necessarily raise it. I sent DD into school in a jumper with a rip on the seam, i kept repairing it but it just kept coming apart. School weren't in the least bit concerned or bothered, they said DD was otherwise happy, polite and healthy so a small rip in a jumper is nowhere near red flag territory.

Taking pride in how your dd's are dressed? They are children, not fashion mannequins. What fun you're going to have when they are older and have their own opinions about what they want to wear

This was addressed to me. My eldest daughter is 14 and certainly has her own opinions but would still choose to dress well when out

It was the dress the child wanted to wear and the OP was able to add other items to make the overall outfit appropriate to the weather. That was a perfect solution.

My response was to Shrivelled who said it’s impossible to get new clothes at the moment! Which is why I said 1 super markets are open and sell clothes and 2 child must have other dresses

‘Wow you must feel so proud of yourself 🤏👏’

For pointing out that people should RTFT before adding pearls of wisdom? Which are totally irrelevant to the actual situation?

She has other dresses - she's not short of clothes, but she just wants to always wear this dress at the moment, and was adamant that it was what she wanted to wear today.
Except now she is excited about her stuffies wearing it, which is awesome!

Such a fuss over a few rips in a dress! You are right, it's 100% about the adults. No child would care. I think it's really important to let kids have autonomy as much as possible over these issues. It shows respect for their decisions which translates into good decision making when they're older. That's my opinion anyway! But yeah, probably not worth thee drama with the Dad. He sounds uptight.

That's lovely OP. Such a heartwarming update.

Have followed your thread all day and behind you all the way.

Thank you - I am pleased with the outcome 😍

@JasmineHoneysuckleManure

Update: (and thanks to all the posters who suggested similar)

Discussed the dress with dd this evening, I promised to get the new golden dress finished (I am a good dressmaker - it won't be random), and suggested making favourite dress into something for her toys. She got very excited about her two favourite stuffies being able to have matching outfits, and favourite dress being preserved forever. Result!

That's fantastic. Well done Mum 😀😀

So pleased to hear the result! You're s super Mum and she'll have great fun helping you make it. Start of her own sewing adventures.

@Sweettea1

To be fair if my child was running around the park in a tatty ripped dress I would feel ashamed. Tell dc it can be worn in the house or garden but not on days out. Look online an see if you can get a cheap replacement or let child pick a cheap replacement.

Isn't it interesting how people are different? I think the different responses here are because some people feel strong emotions like shame about stuff like this, and others of us don't feel emotional about clothes. I'd only ever feel ashamed about my parenting if I was mean to my child (or completely forgot something) and about my child if they were deliberately unkind to someone. Shame isn't involved in the practicalities of dressing them.

So sad to read so many people saying they would be embarrassed to be seen with their child if they had rips in their clothes and even sadder that they seem to be missing the point of why the dress was important to the DC and implying that OP didn't have other options to dress her in.

I have to fight my natural urges with my own strong willed DD. My issues with clothes not matching or looking a certain why are just that, my issues and she really doesn't care what goes well in other people's opinions, she is happy with what she chooses. This shows that her opinions matter and hopefully will promote good decision making in the future. Somethings are non negotiable. What you wear to the park with the 2 people who are meant to love you the most really doesn't seem a huge issue worth making her day that little bit worse over.

Glad you came to a compromise OP

Hellodarknessmyoldpal

I’m taking it you would be happy to walk around in ripped clothes then 🙄..no?

@Redburnett

YABU. If her Dad does not see very often and wants to take photos of his DC it is unreasonable of you to let her wear a torn dress. I am not surprised he was embarrassed. She is 6 and you are the adult.

She's his daughter, not his fashion accessory!

I do not understand why some parents get so uptight about a tatty dress. She's 6. It really doesn't matter.

And as for the notion that a Nursery or School would note this kind of thing as a concern - no they wouldn't. That's just nonsense.
Having worked in a Nursery and a school, there were lots of kids who wore tatty clothes. Nothing to do with the parents being neglectful, everything to do with the way the children played and a few who chewed holes in tops.
They worry about their appearance soon enough.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I love all of your post!

OP, glad that it worked out.

@Happycat1212 I'm not sure why you would assume that. What I have said is that mine and my child's views on what goes is different. However I do have jeans will ripped knees and I feel happy enough when I wear them.

@Happycat1212

Hellodarknessmyoldpal

I’m taking it you would be happy to walk around in ripped clothes then 🙄..no?

I wouldn't be happy to walk around in a unicorn onesie but dd is. That argument would only be relevant, imo, if I had made dd wear the ripped dress - but I didn't. She wanted to wear it and she felt special in it and she thinks it is beautiful despite being ripped. There are loads of clothes my dc have which I wouldn't personally be seen dead in.

I think we should all wear our clothes until they are completely unwearable, in order to save stuff going into landfill. Go, your DD!

Yeh clothes with rips in the design are very different to a tatty old dress that’s “falling apart” ops own words, I wouldn’t send my kid out in a onesie though either

Personally I’d be embarrassed to take my DC out in ripped clothes, so I think he has a point. He’s probably worried other parents think he’s neglecting her or can’t afford clothes that aren’t falling apart.

Why don’t you tell her the dress is too tattered to wear out and is home wear only, or buy another similar?

Or insist on warm joggers and a jumper for the park, more practical than trying to run and climb in a dress?

I have to fight my natural urges with my own strong willed DD. My issues with clothes not matching or looking a certain why are just that, my issues and she really doesn't care what goes well in other people's opinions, she is happy with what she chooses. This shows that her opinions matter and hopefully will promote good decision making in the future

My DD is strong willed too, but she has to wear school uniform 5x a week so kids don’t get much choice over clothes anyway?

When staying in I let her choose what she wants, as long as it’s appropriate for the season (I put shorts and T-shirt’s out of sight in winter). But if going somewhere special (pre-lockdown) eg visiting family, or going to a party or social event, I want her to look appropriately dressed for the occasion so I offer her a choice of 3 outfits (matching and in the same colour scheme so she can mix/match if she wants).

The last thing I’d want is for her to feel out of place eg because she chose a tattered Elsa dress or old joggers and all the other kids are in smart outfits. Then there are the photos, I don’t want her to look back and be embarrassed at how I let her dress!

Or letting her grandparents take her for a day out but letting her wear old scruffy/stained clothes. She may not care but they will!

Your ex is being unreasonable.

On the subject of favourite clothes and how to let them go: over the years this has happened with all of my brood at one time or another so I would sew round the edges and make a cushion for their bed. It sounds like the bodice of this dress might work as a nice little cushion and she would get to keep it without it being destroyed.