WIBU to allow dd to wear a ripped dress to go to contact?

[JasmineHoneysuckleManure]

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold). She is never ill.

She has a dress, which is two layers of fine cotton material, which is her absolute favourite. She always chooses to wear it and cries when it is in the wash. It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things), so I have taken the decision to let her wear it until it is unwearable, since she loves it so much.

Dc were seeing dad at a playground today. Weather is cold but sunny and they were running around pretty much the whole time. Dd insisted in wearing the dress. I insisted on thick tights beneath and a warm hoody and padded coat as well. She was wearing the hoody at handover, at which point I explained to dad that the dress was her choice, is her favourite, etc.

Later on, she obviously decided to remove her jumper and he made her pose for pics front and back and sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it.

WIBU to allow her to wear the dress? At the moment tbh a ripped dress is the least of my concerns....

My dc have been out to many things with totally unsuitable clothes. I tend to have a view that I bought most of it second hand, and if it gets spoilt, then so what. They were the child in tutu and wellies at the playground in November. They grew out of it.

However I think I'd have drawn the line there, OP. One very simple reason: You say It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things)
Wearing a dress like this to the playground was surely asking for her to catch it on something and totally rip it to shreds. Then her upset and her df trying to comfort her, and possibly her out there is something that really can't be worn and no spare clothes.

It makes me wonder if there was a little bit of sending her in it deliberately to wind him up, or hoping he'd have her upset.
At 6yo, she's old enough to say "no," and the reason of it being ripped further is a perfect one. That's what I would have said.

And see if you can get a replacement on ebay. You probably will find one close enough if you look.

@Mountainpika

Don't bin it. Suggest to her that you and she make something new with it. e.g. a pillow case, cushion cover, clothing for a favourite toy, make a toy with the good parts and stuff it with the spare bits (plus stuffing with any other old clothes if necessary). She will keep her dress for years but in a different form.

I was going to say this - @Mountainpika took the words right out of my mouth.

Oh honestly OP, you are not being unreasonable. All the people on here saying they wouldn't let their children do it doesn't mean you are being unreasonable either. She was going to the park, not a ball! She was warm enough, safe and happy, that's all that actually matters. You know your daughter and you pick your battles, which is your right.

Your Ex can buy her new clothes if he wishes to. He can convince her not to wear the dress if he wishes to. He can't tell you what to do because he's your ex. Your reply was great, just ignore him now. Or reply every time to say he is welcome to buy her something new.

Ignore the pompous git. My son wouldn't be parted from a a green tracksuit and red wellies for about a year when he was five. The neighbours must of thought that he only had one set of clothes! Like your daughter he was wilful and it was a real struggle getting him to wear anything else. He did grow out of the tracksuit and wellies ( literally and figuratively ) eventually.

I wouldn’t send my kids out in ripped clothing.
However you ex sounds like a total douche

@InkyOctopus

I think YABU. It’s not hard to find replacement clothes on EBay. I bet we could find it if you posted a pic.

Honestly - I don't want to replace like for like because it's a bloody nightmare dress - it rips far too easily. I wish she'd never got it, but here we are.

I don't let her rule me! But for me I don't think this dress at this time is my hill to die on with her when there are so many more daily battles which do have to be fought.

I know it doing the classic of posting in AIBU and then persisting that I'm not. I am reading and taking on board all comments - promise.

@EachBleachBlairTrump

I wouldn't take DS out in tatty clothes, fine for painting/messy play at home. However if her father feels strongly about it he should provide an alternative. When clothes get torn etc if I can't mend them they go straight in the bag for the rag bin at the supermarket. DS questions it, 'it was ruined you can wear any of your other clothes'. At the end of summer anything I think he might still fit next summer gets vacuum bagged away so there are no shorts in the wardrobe for him to want to wear in January. She's quite young to be dictating what she will and won't wear to that extent (choice is fine from appropriate options). Does she have any additional needs? My colleague's son has been diagnosed with PDA and he can be like this.

Interesting - her oldest bro has PDA. 🤦‍♀️

@CruCru

If the OP is in the UK, this child can’t go to school or see friends or grandparents (unless in a childcare bubble). She gets upset when she can’t wear the ripped dress. Why upset her now, when everything is so strange?

When the ripped dress gets dreadfully ripped, it can get quietly binned. It seems weird to put your foot down about wearing a slightly tatty dress right now.

I am in the UK, and this is basically exactly my reasoning.

@Happycat1212

School is completely different to a trip to the playground though hmm. And a small tear or hole in PE jogging bottoms for instance wouldn’t really bother me.

It’s not a small hole is it!! The op says herself it’s practically falling to pieces, my point is she must put her foot down when it comes to school and not send her in the ripped up dress so why is the park different?! She’s the parent, shouldn’t be letting her 6 year old dictate to her, I’m sure if this was the other way round and she said her dad was bringing her back with ripped up clothes the comments would be very different!

I probably made it sound worse than it is. The bodice is absolutely fine. It has a tiered two layer skirt, from which the bottom layer has ripped completely off, abs another layer has started to come away leaving a hole. But it still comes down to her knees and all vital parts are covered.

As to some other PP who have mentioned weather suitability - I'm in the SE, and it was sunny today. While they were at the Park I was doing some heavy gardening and got so hot I had to strip back to a t shirt. Not much different to dd getting hot running around the playground and taking off her jumper. With the jumper on, it was basically performing the same function as a dress.

My dd was the same at that age and often wore clothes that were too small so I sympathise with surrendering to the stubbornness.

I understand why your ex thinks it reflects on him if his dd is in tatty clothing as people will see her and assume that he's negligent or tight but you're not stopping him from buying a new dress and encouraging her to get changed into it instead.

Tbh I would have damaged the dress and blamed the washing machine before this point. My kids sometimes wore clothes that were past their sell by date but this dress sounds even worse than that.

It just sounds like far too much piss balling about to me.

So she loves the dress but she'll have to do without it soon enough.

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold)

I had 3 DC, if I were to lug around a coat and a jumper for all of them because they were 'strong willed with very strong opinions', I'd feel like a human friggin carthorse.

I understand completely op as my DD who will be 5 soon has what we call a lockdown dress. It was actually a very pretty party dress, white with a double layer of fine, soft netting for the skirt. She'd worn it twice as occasion wear when lockdown 1 happened. It is now more a Cinderella rag than a dress and she has only just agreed that it's seen better days.
You do what you can to keep them happy and if it's a dress that looks a bit raggedy then so be it.
Ignore his little rant, if he was so bothered he'd buy something equally as pretty for her to wear instead.

Sounds exactly the type of thing that would make him your exh, not dh

There may be another dimension here. DD is clearly attached to the tatty old dress. Maybe she identifies it as tatty old security dress. Most kids have something snuggly they love to cuddle up to, sniff or stroke.

@WorraLiberty

It just sounds like far too much piss balling about to me.

So she loves the dress but she'll have to do without it soon enough.

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold)

I had 3 DC, if I were to lug around a coat and a jumper for all of them because they were 'strong willed with very strong opinions', I'd feel like a human friggin carthorse.

Exactly this.

Kids do not need to be in smart / pristine clothes to go to the park.

I would happily let her wear it - 6 year olds are in the park in tutus, Spiderman outfits, all sorts, what's the big deal?

'Humiliated' and 'neglect' are ridiculous exaggerations.

I would say 'I know she loves that dress - better than wrecking her good clothes at the park don't you think? It won't last that much longer'.

Just let the kid wear the dress. So what if it has rips, it's not for weddings, she's playing in the park. So long as her underwear isn't exposed what does it matter.

My dad used to go on at my mum for dressing me like a tramp when she let me wear what I wanted, he was only hurting me.

"That's what she wanted to wear and she's clearly warm enough since you've taken her jumper and coat off. If you want her to have new clothes then feel free to buy her some."

The only thing I would question here is about your relationship with your ex and whether the contact arrangements over your DD are amicable ? Because if not you don't want to be giving him any free ammunition . Sorry if that sounds alarmist but that was my first thought .

Pompous git, is right. You, on the other hand, sound great. Your daughter is lucky to have such an understanding mum.

You are not being unreasonable, it was worn for an afternoon in the park not tea at the Ritz.

I can't understand the mentality of "dont let your child dictate to you what they wear." Some people must have such an intense level of control over their kids if they see a child dressing themselves as them being dictators.

I wonder if some of the posters have ever experienced a strong willed child? OP I get it. I'd have done the exact same.

Sometimes you have to set a boundary though. Not all clothes are practical for all occasions. For a trip to the park u wouldn't encourage a a floor length maxi dress and party shoes for example. Nor would you have them dress for pre school on a 200 pound monsoon dress purchased for your brothers wedding.

@Godimabitch

I can't understand the mentality of "dont let your child dictate to you what they wear." Some people must have such an intense level of control over their kids if they see a child dressing themselves as them being dictators.

It depends really on whether going against their parent's wishes because they're 'strong willed', stops at just clothes.

To be fair if my child was running around the park in a tatty ripped dress I would feel ashamed. Tell dc it can be worn in the house or garden but not on days out. Look online an see if you can get a cheap replacement or let child pick a cheap replacement.