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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

286 replies

sunglasses1 · 06/02/2021 01:06

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 06/02/2021 01:08

It’s frustrating when partners are pulling their weight. Have you spoken to him about it?

JengaJanga · 06/02/2021 01:09

What days and hours does he do?

Can your teenagers help with cooking and cleaning and gardening?

CoRhona · 06/02/2021 01:11

I don't think it's got anything to do with you working p/t.

If he doesn't want to do these things, either you do them or you get someone in to do them.

It definitely doesn't sound like you'll be able to change him after all these years.

Do your teens help.out?

sunglasses1 · 06/02/2021 01:16

DH works Mon - fri 9-6/7

Yes, the kids will help when asked, This sounds pretty petty , but today i asked him to help me to some wall papering on Sunday and he said flat out No . I think finds things like that overwhelming- so he’s said not helping me ...

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 06/02/2021 01:19

Whilst your decorating would he do some other stuff that needed doing - tidy the kitchen ? Put a wash on ? Or would he just go and do whatever he wanted to do ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2021 01:19

If he didn't have a wife and kids he'd have to wash his own socks and cook. Why does he do LESS?

sunglasses1 · 06/02/2021 01:19

I have spoken to him about mucking in more before , but he’s been on anti depressants for several years and says he finds ‘modern life’ difficult ......,,,

OP posts:
Beenaboutabit · 06/02/2021 01:35

@MrsTerryPratchett

If he didn't have a wife and kids he'd have to wash his own socks and cook. Why does he do LESS?
He's not really doing less though, is he?

He's working full time - a 45-hour week by the sounds of it. If his OP and kids didnt have him, their life would be very different.

Different people bring different things to the team. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to wallpaper at the weekend, but if the job needs done he needs to muck in or pay someone else to do it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2021 01:42

He's not really doing less though, is he?

How not? He works now. He'd work if he didn't have a family. Plus he'd have to clean. Wouldn't he?

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 06/02/2021 01:55

Different people bring different things to the team. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to wallpaper at the weekend, but if the job needs done he needs to muck in or pay someone else to do it.

Should he get a live-in cleaner and cook also since he doesn’t do any share of that?

If the only thing he brings to the “team” is finances then he’s a bit shit isn’t he. I don’t know any woman working full time who brings just that - there’s an expectation that working mums will contribute to household tasks equally with their partners during non working hours- the expectation should be the same for men.

Lotusmonster · 06/02/2021 02:17

I can understand your annoyance. But I think you have to get real OP, he ain’t going to spontaneously change now after all these years. I think you’ve got to tell him you’re unhappy with the current balance and draw up a schedule of set tasks for him: maybe cook and wash up at the weekends? Do the bins? Load up the washing machine and tumble? Empty the dishwasher? Etc etc. With DIY tasks could you batch them up and agree to get a handy man in?
His point about not driving it’s honestly quite ridiculous and very impractical. What would happen if you became incapacitated for any reason? I personally think it’s really important for health and safety point of view to try and have a couple of drivers within the household, it’s really very unfair and selfish of him not to share that load at all, pretty indulged. Just stop doing it. Refuse.
Try and redirect your anger and contempt to a workable plan of action. The antidepressants point I really don’t buy at all, have a number of people in my family who are on antidepressants and it really doesn’t stop them from doing the basic necessities of life.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/02/2021 02:27

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

Don't denigrate your contributions. You have not worked "part time". You worked part time at a paying job and full time as a wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, cleaner, gardener, decorator and chauffeur. He brings home a paycheck and sits on his backside saying he "can't cope with modern life"! Unless he is working all week in a coal mine, that is not acceptable.
Tell him he can either get up and be a part of your family life or he can go get a bedsitter and send you a child support check every month.

Hagotcha80 · 06/02/2021 02:38

@sunglasses1

DH works Mon - fri 9-6/7

Yes, the kids will help when asked, This sounds pretty petty , but today i asked him to help me to some wall papering on Sunday and he said flat out No . I think finds things like that overwhelming- so he’s said not helping me ...

Is he offering to pay for a professional?

If so, I’m with your dh

Never wall papered in my life
Never will
Want it to look perfect
If i have the money, then I’d spend on professional

Chiccie · 06/02/2021 04:15

I wouldn’t want to spend my day off work wallpapering.

ZaraW · 06/02/2021 04:34

YABU to let him get away with it for so long.

ddl1 · 06/02/2021 04:40

The question that I'd immediately ask here is could he have some sort of subtle disability that affects his ability to do some of these things, especially driving. I have some co-ordination and visual processing difficulties that prevent me from driving and affect my ability to do some aspects of DIY/ decorating. I am always very anxious about people blaming me for not driving, so it instantly comes to my mind. Things like that shouldn't affect his ability to do basic cleaning, however. And certainly if he can't or won't do things himself, he should not prevent you from doing them or complain that you 'wouldn't do them properly'. I think you probably need to pay whatever you can afford for some help with things like decorating (and he must accept that this means that he has to sacrifice certain luxuries) and/or persuade the kids to do what they can.

ThePoetsWife · 06/02/2021 04:47

You're not part time though if you are doing all the childcare, household chores, driving, etc

You both should have equal amounts of leisure time.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 06/02/2021 04:59

He works FT, you work PT, and he is the lazy one? I don't drive either (god knows I've tried) and I wouldn't be overjoyed about wallpapering either. Does he pull his weight in other ways? In my house my husband and teenager both muck in, as they should, as we all live here.

EachBleachBlairTrump · 06/02/2021 05:10

Adults who choose not to drive but expect other people to pick up the slack from that are a special kind of irritant (before the pile on not those who can't or don't expect the driver to run around after them). When you have children who need running here there and everywhere especially so. Gives them the opportunity to abdicate responsibility for a lot of family tasks.
Maybe he doesn't want to wallpaper, I'm sure that's not how you'd choose to spend your weekend either. I think as you work part time and the children are older you should take on a higher proportion of day to day chores, but that doesn't mean you do everything.
Wallpapering is one of the tasks were do actually pay someone to do, although we did a lot of the house renovation ourselves, neither of us were very good at it. This seems to be about more than that though, it's about him opting out of anything he doesn't fancy or deems women's work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2021 05:24

Crikey no, YANBU unreasonable at all. You have taken on the entire mental and family load. He works full time, but he’s acting like a 1950’s husband without any of the alpha male bits.

You can’t make your dh do these things. But I do feel using his mental health to do nothing is really unfair. We have to push ourselves. You are pushing yourself. What would happen if you did the same?

Who is looking after you? Who would look after you if you were taken ill?

And to the people, saying yabu. I am really surprised at some of these answers. Sahps usually get told their partners need to pull some weight around the house, let alone a mum of 3, who has worked for years and a dh, who doesn’t drive. It’s as though some people think teens don’t need parenting.... and they do just in different ways.... and it’s lockdown right now so they need it even more.

Off the top of my head, ops workload has increased. She’s there to motivate 3 teens at home and by the sound of it, her husband as well, caring for her her children’s and husband’s mental health (teen mental health is taking a bashing atm), ensuring everyone has the basics to study, helping out with studies, shopping more for food (she ‘s the only driver), communicating with the school, more housework overall.....

Ever since her children were born, every single trip to the dentist, doctor, hospital, hobby, activity, soft play centre, cinema, to take one of the children to meet a friend, to buy clothes and much more was made by op. And she works. This for 3, yes 3 children.

Yet 19% of people think op is bu I despair.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2021 05:25

Oh and I forgot she also does it for her husband, who has abdicated that role by choosing not to drive.

Luke423 · 06/02/2021 05:44

He lost me at the point of being unable to drive. The load imposed by that would be testing for any partner and OP already does more than enough. She (I'm assuming she) sounds like a legend; I'm a big admirer of anyone, man or woman, who's willing to give diy a go.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 06/02/2021 05:48

I really dont think its big deal-I work long hours 4 days a week and study too-plus all the other crap-cooking/cleaning blahblah as my dc parent lives in another country and point blank refused to contribute/co-parent etc.
I would much rather pay someone to do stuff than waste my valuable down time pissing around on it myself.
Its hardly a big surprise he doesnt drive so either stop playing cabbie and he learns or just accept its poss a bit late in the day to be calling him out on it.
Id be pretty happy hes a great (involved)dad who is a decent earner.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 06/02/2021 05:48

Yanbu. I think there's something uniquely unsexy about men who want/expect to be looked after by women.

Greenevalley · 06/02/2021 06:10

Why does every man who can't be bothered to do anything in their own jolly home use the ' I'm depressed ' or 'i don't do modern life' excuse?

Tell him to take taxis in future and get him to pay a decorator too.