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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

286 replies

sunglasses1 · 06/02/2021 01:06

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

OP posts:
Sarahrellyboo1987 · 08/02/2021 16:23

YANBU. I don’t see the issue with driving but the rest I totally understand.

I work full time, single parent to a disabled child, do all the cleaning and decorating, shopping etc. The fact he works full time and you work part time is completely and utterly irrelevant. It’s his home and it’s 2021...housework is everyone’s work!

I’d stop doing anything for him until he changed his way! I’d stop cooking, shopping, doing laundry etc and see how quickly he realises what you do for him

ZoeTurtle · 08/02/2021 16:50

I’d stop doing anything for him until he changed his way! I’d stop cooking, shopping, doing laundry etc and see how quickly he realises what you do for him

And if he had any sense he'd say okay, I'll keep my paycheck to myself and see how quickly you realise what I do for you.

Cheeseandlobster · 08/02/2021 20:44

@ZoeTurtle

I’d stop doing anything for him until he changed his way! I’d stop cooking, shopping, doing laundry etc and see how quickly he realises what you do for him

And if he had any sense he'd say okay, I'll keep my paycheck to myself and see how quickly you realise what I do for you.

This.

If a man was posting saying he worked part time and his wife worked 45 hours despite mental health problems, and was a great mum. But he had utter contempt for the because she wouldnt help him paint the bedroom on her day off and cant drive. He would be fucking slaughtered on here for being a cock lodger, lazy, told he should absolutely work full time and is abusive. I am NOT saying the op is any of these things but these would be the majority of responses if the op were a man. The double standards on here are astonishing sometimes.

ddl1 · 08/02/2021 23:40

My son has ASD, ADD and dyspraxia. He learned to drive when he was 22.

Good for him; but do these conditions actually affect his visual reaction times or perception of motion in his case (I know that in some people they do; in some they don't)?

If they don't in his case, then, whatever difficulties they do cause him, they are not relevant to the topic of people who truly cannot drive safely and have been advised not to. I have never said that all disabilities prevent you from driving: there are plenty of wheelchair users who drive, for example.

marktayloruk · 09/02/2021 00:30

If he's working full time that should be enough Perhaps he doesn't regard wallpapering as necessary?

Hagotcha80 · 09/02/2021 11:19

I work full time, single parent to a disabled child, do all the cleaning and decorating, shopping etc. The fact he works full time and you work part time is completely and utterly irrelevant. It’s his home and it’s 2021...housework is everyone’s work!

I too am a single parent. Two young children. I do everything

And yet I completely disagree with you.

It is relevant. Of course it is. It’s simple maths. The part timer person has more time available so should do more
Should the full timer be involved in housework and family admin life - absolutely!! Equal to the part timer... no.

Hagotcha80 · 09/02/2021 11:21

@marktayloruk

If he's working full time that should be enough Perhaps he doesn't regard wallpapering as necessary?
Out of curiosity - what would happen to housework if both worked full time?
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/02/2021 11:28

How many hours a week do you work & how old are your kids?

How often are you wanting to decorate? It doesnt need doing that often. DH are about to get some painting done for the first time in 5 years. Wallpapering in particular is a faff and unnecessary- can you just paint instead if your walls are getting scruffy?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/02/2021 11:29

Hagotcha80

When you both work full time you find out what is really necessary and you share the load. My friend who is SAHP spends half the week cleaning and seems to be constantly redecorating etc. You fill the time you have.

AcornTreeMusic · 09/02/2021 11:51

@Mummyoflittledragon

Crikey no, YANBU unreasonable at all. You have taken on the entire mental and family load. He works full time, but he’s acting like a 1950’s husband without any of the alpha male bits.

You can’t make your dh do these things. But I do feel using his mental health to do nothing is really unfair. We have to push ourselves. You are pushing yourself. What would happen if you did the same?

Who is looking after you? Who would look after you if you were taken ill?

And to the people, saying yabu. I am really surprised at some of these answers. Sahps usually get told their partners need to pull some weight around the house, let alone a mum of 3, who has worked for years and a dh, who doesn’t drive. It’s as though some people think teens don’t need parenting.... and they do just in different ways.... and it’s lockdown right now so they need it even more.

Off the top of my head, ops workload has increased. She’s there to motivate 3 teens at home and by the sound of it, her husband as well, caring for her her children’s and husband’s mental health (teen mental health is taking a bashing atm), ensuring everyone has the basics to study, helping out with studies, shopping more for food (she ‘s the only driver), communicating with the school, more housework overall.....

Ever since her children were born, every single trip to the dentist, doctor, hospital, hobby, activity, soft play centre, cinema, to take one of the children to meet a friend, to buy clothes and much more was made by op. And she works. This for 3, yes 3 children.

Yet 19% of people think op is bu I despair.

THIS! ABSOLUTELY THIS! ^ You appear to have 4 children not three. He's gotten away with this for too long but I fear you might have to be absolutely brutal to see any change. Good luck.
marktayloruk · 09/02/2021 15:20

Who should do the housework? Whoever feels like doing it.

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