to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

[sunglasses1]

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

I do nearly all the DIY in our house, as a trade off my husband does more housework.
You are not unreasonable to expect more from him, working ft is not an excuse to pull no weight around the house and neither is anti-depressants - I take two plus a mood stabiliser and still run a house. Can you go for a walk with him without the teenagers and talk about it, explain how you feel and that you need him to do more. Work out what he feels he can achieve and hold him to it. Also if he doesn't like your decorating he needs to pay someone.

"I don't understand this at all. Why should he get equal leisure time?

He works longer hours than she does. That is what it is, and it's not the OP's fault."

That's the advice usually given to women who post, when they work long hours but their DP works part time. It's always seemed fair to me.

thedancingbear, by working longer hours, the OP can work part time, so while his hours are not her 'fault', if she worked FT he could work less without detriment to family finances.

Of course both parties should have equal leisure in a situation where their respective work is for the shared benefit of the family.

@Goodbye2020Helllo2021

DH works Mon - fri 9-6/7

Sorry OP but after working 9/10 hours a day I don’t think I’d be running the hoover round, decorating or doing anything much during the week.

I work P/T and when I am at home (and my DH is at work) I do chores in and out of the house so that when the working day is over we can both relax.
In theory I take on the majority of the chores so that we both put in a 9/10 hr working day (except I don’t because I definitely have more free time during the week than he does).

Really? And how do you think most people who have full time jobs clean their houses? We don't all have cleaners. Its reality for the majority of people. Yesterday for instance, I had to work face to face at a distant site and didnt get home til after 7pm, having started at 9.00am. I then had the urge to do a bit of hoovering and move a new sofa in from garage.

As is DIY. A bit of wallpapering help isn't much to ask.

He does sound lazy. I think when the lack of driving and the lack of participating in household chores is added in, the OP is doing much more than the DH. Some full time jobs can be quite easy. Some people just get more done in their lives than others. I don't think this is a balanced situation in this relationship. The OP's DH should be at least lending her a hand now and then and learning to drive.

@5128gap

thedancingbear, by working longer hours, the OP can work part time, so while his hours are not her 'fault', if she worked FT he could work less without detriment to family finances.

Of course both parties should have equal leisure in a situation where their respective work is for the shared benefit of the family.

And if my aunty had a dick she'd be my uncle.

He works full time. She doesn't. That's how they've chosen to configure things. It's a joint decision. You can talk counterfactuals all day but it doesn't change anything.

Why, then, should the OP be forced to act as a domestic servant to her husband?

The situation where the genders are reversed is not equivalent.

@thedancingbear I voted YANBU, OP. Household chores should be split equally, irrespective of whether each partner works very long hours, is p/t, or is a stay at home parent.

You're SO unreasonable here. If I worked PT and my DH 60 hours a week, you think it would be fine for me to sit on my arse for some of time at home and leave the pile of dirty dishes for DH to do when he came home at 9pm, because it's his turn? Really?

OR perhaps we CAN take your opinion as being fair, but this would apply to all the bills and other family costs too. I'd like to see where your part time wage would get you then.

You sound like a footballer's wife.

[quote CurlyhairedAssassin]**@thedancingbear* I voted YANBU, OP. Household chores should be split equally, irrespective of whether each partner works very long hours, is p/t, or is a stay at home parent.*

You're SO unreasonable here. If I worked PT and my DH 60 hours a week, you think it would be fine for me to sit on my arse for some of time at home and leave the pile of dirty dishes for DH to do when he came home at 9pm, because it's his turn? Really?

OR perhaps we CAN take your opinion as being fair, but this would apply to all the bills and other family costs too. I'd like to see where your part time wage would get you then.

You sound like a footballer's wife. [/quote]
It's possible to have a sensible discussion about roles within family life, without resorting to horrible misogynistic insults.

So next time he wants driving somewhere, you say a flat no too. You can "not be in the mood" as well.

Tit for tat. Maybe the OP’s DH ‘isn’t in the mood’ for working a 9/10 hour day 5 days a week but he does it.

Why, then, should the OP be forced to act as a domestic servant to her husband?

Why should he work long days when she works P/T?

It depends how OT you are. If on 30 hours, then he should contribute more but if 16h with kids old enough to look after themselves then it seems fair you should pick up the fair share of housework.

Maybe he doesn't think the room needs recovering with wall paper. If my OH said he wanted to wallpaper our bedroom which is fine as it is on weekends when I'm knackered and want to rest as much as possible I'd say no too.

I just can't wrap my head around someone who works part time for no apparent reason calling someone else lazy

I have spoken to him about mucking in more before , but he’s been on anti depressants for several years and says he finds ‘modern life’ difficult

What does he mean when he says he finds “modern life difficult”

Does he think that he should have been part of the landed gentry of yesteryear and can only cope with wafting through life only doing things that he finds interesting?

Whatever life he had he would still have to go to work so him working a f/t job is a red herring.
What he means is after work he doesn’t want to do anything unless he wants to do it.
Even if he didn’t have a job he wouldn’t change
I suspect if he did live on his own he would live in filth because he wouldn’t want to clean and there would be no one making him.

@Confusedlady246

I just can't wrap my head around someone who works part time for no apparent reason calling someone else lazy

How so? If he's lazy, he's lazy. It doesn't matter what he does outside the house, if he does fuck all when he is there, if he doesn't contribute to family life, then for the period of time that matters, then that's the dictionary definition of the word.

Personally I think YABU. I think if one partner works FT and one PT, the PT worker should do the bulk of the housework - this is how we've always divided things up. Why should the PT person get hours of free time that the FT person doesn't? Obviously weekend chores should be shared equally.
Re the car, some people just don't feel confident in driving - it's unfortunate that this means you do all the driving, so maybe put your foot down and start taking public transport instead.
Re decorating - not everyone is cut out for decorating, so I don't think that's a fair criticism.

Wallpapering is a job you pay a professional to do. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to do that. It’s a waste of time and energy to try and do it yourself.
Driving-depends. I don’t know anyone who drives/has a car. We don’t have one, and none of our grown-up children can drive. Did he want to get a car in the first place? Or is it you who wanted it?

Can't seem to quote @thedancingbear

There's no reason for her to work part time. Her children are teenagers. She has the luxury of not working a full time job because her husband works long hours to ensure they are supported financially. Maybe she can increase her hours and he can lower his and then they can split the chores?

I'm not surprised she has enough energy to be wallpapering and gardening.

Personally I think YABU. I think if one partner works FT and one PT, the PT worker should do the bulk of the housework - this is how we've always divided things up. Why should the PT person get hours of free time that the FT person doesn't? Obviously weekend chores should be shared equally

But the weekend work aren’t being shared equally
In your household does the p/t worker do everything. All the cooking, cleaning, diy etc
If the p/t worker went f/t do you think in this case the work and mental load would shift to be shared or do you think that the same person would still have to do everything.

@Confusedlady246

Can't seem to quote *@thedancingbear*

There's no reason for her to work part time. Her children are teenagers. She has the luxury of not working a full time job because her husband works long hours to ensure they are supported financially. Maybe she can increase her hours and he can lower his and then they can split the chores?

I'm not surprised she has enough energy to be wallpapering and gardening.

I don't understand why you're attacking the OP. This is why I hate this place sometimes.

This thread isn't about the OP, it's about her indolent bastard of a husband.

If the OP wants to only work part time and maximise her leisure time, then that has to be her choice. Relationships are not a competition.

daisypond I can’t believe you don’t know a single person who drives.

@thedancingbear you have a very strange way of looking at things.

So in your opinion, the OP should be able to work minimal hours and enjoy as much leisure time as she likes. Her husband on the other hand should continue to work long hours to support her lifestyle and then when he gets home from work, do half the chores?

@Lotusmonster

I can understand your annoyance. But I think you have to get real OP, he ain’t going to spontaneously change now after all these years. I think you’ve got to tell him you’re unhappy with the current balance and draw up a schedule of set tasks for him: maybe cook and wash up at the weekends? Do the bins? Load up the washing machine and tumble? Empty the dishwasher? Etc etc. With DIY tasks could you batch them up and agree to get a handy man in? His point about not driving it’s honestly quite ridiculous and very impractical. What would happen if you became incapacitated for any reason? I personally think it’s really important for health and safety point of view to try and have a couple of drivers within the household, it’s really very unfair and selfish of him not to share that load at all, pretty indulged. Just stop doing it. Refuse. Try and redirect your anger and contempt to a workable plan of action. The antidepressants point I really don’t buy at all, have a number of people in my family who are on antidepressants and it really doesn’t stop them from doing the basic necessities of life.

Tell me about it. My dh had a stroke and now can’t drive. Luckily I’ve always driven but having to do it all the time and on our long distance holidays is an absolute pain in the butt.

As we age it’s becoming a huge worry for me

thedancingbear how can you say that if the OP wants to work PT to maximise her leisure (which she is able to do because of her H's support) that's her choice, but because her H doesn't want to drive/decorate to maximise his, he's an indolent bastard? Genuinely don't understand this.

But the weekend work aren’t being shared equally. In your household does the p/t worker do everything. All the cooking, cleaning, diy etc

In our household, the PT person would do the bulk of the cleaning, laundry, shopping etc during the week, so that there was very little left to do at weekends so we could enjoy them together. Simple.

If the p/t worker went f/t do you think in this case the work and mental load would shift to be shared or do you think that the same person would still have to do everything.

That is purely hypothetical, so how would I know? If OP went FT, then of course chores should be shared equally. But in the situation we are talking about, OP works only PT, so I think it's totally fair that she does the bulk of chores.

There's no reason for her to work part time. Her children are teenagers. She has the luxury of not working a full time job because her husband works long hours to ensure they are supported financially. Maybe she can increase her hours and he can lower his and then they can split the chores?

OP doesn't work part time, she is paid part time. He only works during his paid hours.

As MrsTerryPratchett points out up thread, he is doing less than if he were single, OP is doing substantially more.

@Bythemillpond

daisypond I can’t believe you don’t know a single person who drives.

Not where I live, no. I should have specified. I live in London. None of my friends or neighbours or work colleagues has a car. My elderly parents have a car, but they live rurally.