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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

286 replies

sunglasses1 · 06/02/2021 01:06

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/02/2021 10:58

If he's lazy, he's lazy. It doesn't matter what he does outside the house, if he does fuck all when he is there, if he doesn't contribute to family life, then for the period of time that matters, then that's the dictionary definition of the word.

This argument only stands up if whoever is at home is working the same amount of hours during day on the house/garden/ferrying kids about. Otherwise you could say the person at home was being equally lazy, if they've spent the time taking themselves off for a nap, read the newspaper, watch a box set, gone out for a walk/gym/coffee shop instead. The working person has no choice but to do those things around their working hours. I would not call them lazy for wanting to do some of those things in their non-working time.

OP hasn't said precisely why she is still working part time with teenagers. Hasn't said if there is a reason she can't or if it is actually a joint decision with her DH that she stays part time, and the reason for that.

HugeAckmansWife · 06/02/2021 10:59

I wonder what would happen in most households if the PT worker said, 'OK spouse, I'll go back full time so you aren't carrying the stress of being the only breadwinner. Which 50% of all the household / child related mental load would you like.. Here's the list'. If that list included ALL the stuff including taking days off for kids sickness, inset, appointments that can't be done on weekends, getting to parents evenings, awards assemblies etc. I think it would be a really interesting experiment.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 06/02/2021 10:59

If the OP wants to only work part time and maximise her leisure time, then that has to be her choice. Relationships are not a competition.

What a bizarre assertion - so can OP's DH be given the same choice to work PT, to maximise his leisure time? Financially probably not, as he is working FT as the family breadwinner.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/02/2021 11:00

@sunglasses1

I have spoken to him about mucking in more before , but he’s been on anti depressants for several years and says he finds ‘modern life’ difficult ......,,,
Is this why he doesn’t drive? Many anti-depressants have sleepiness as a side effect and say “do not drive or operate machinery” on them.
Bythemillpond · 06/02/2021 11:03

I don’t think this is a hypothetical question. We know sunglasses1’s dh doesn’t do anything after working. Not even driving. So if he isn’t willing to step up to helping what makes you think there is a remote possibility that he would if she worked the same hours as him.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/02/2021 11:03

If the OP wants to only work part time and maximise her leisure time, then that has to be her choice. Relationships are not a competition.

Grin Very good. I think DancingBear is on a proper wind-up. At least, I hope that's the case, otherwise they've just set women's rights back 70 years.

thedancingbear · 06/02/2021 11:05

@CurlyhairedAssassin

If he's lazy, he's lazy. It doesn't matter what he does outside the house, if he does fuck all when he is there, if he doesn't contribute to family life, then for the period of time that matters, then that's the dictionary definition of the word.

This argument only stands up if whoever is at home is working the same amount of hours during day on the house/garden/ferrying kids about. Otherwise you could say the person at home was being equally lazy, if they've spent the time taking themselves off for a nap, read the newspaper, watch a box set, gone out for a walk/gym/coffee shop instead. The working person has no choice but to do those things around their working hours. I would not call them lazy for wanting to do some of those things in their non-working time.

OP hasn't said precisely why she is still working part time with teenagers. Hasn't said if there is a reason she can't or if it is actually a joint decision with her DH that she stays part time, and the reason for that.

This makes no sense at all. I've not said a word about the OP in my post you've quoted above. My post concerns the OP's husband only. And if he does nothing around the house, if he doesn't even drive, then he is lazy.

I don't understand why you are bringing the OP's conduct into it. She is extraneous to the question of her husband's laziness. She asked for a view of her DP's conduct, not to be judged for her own contribution.

In any event, how do we know that he is earning more than she is? The OP may be on a far higher hourly rate.

Goodbye2020Helllo2021 · 06/02/2021 11:06

If the OP wants to only work part time and maximise her leisure time, then that has to be her choice. Relationships are not a competition.

Yes, and the OP’s DH is maximising his leisure time by refusing to put wallpaper up on one of his two days off.
Maybe he could go P/T at work and do a bit of decorating in the week instead.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 06/02/2021 11:08

Can you afford to get wallpapering etc done by a professional? Neither DH nor I do any DIY apart from painting, and we’re not rich. Mind, we’re not into redecorating every year, or decade ....

thedancingbear · 06/02/2021 11:09

@Goodbye2020Helllo2021

If the OP wants to only work part time and maximise her leisure time, then that has to be her choice. Relationships are not a competition.

Yes, and the OP’s DH is maximising his leisure time by refusing to put wallpaper up on one of his two days off.
Maybe he could go P/T at work and do a bit of decorating in the week instead.

Possibly. At least then he would be contributing at home.
Dozer · 06/02/2021 11:09

Part of being a good parent is doing a fair share of domestic work, so he’s doing badly on that score and as a couple it’s not setting a good example to your DCs.

You’re complicit in the status quo and it’s been many years.

daisypond · 06/02/2021 11:10

I actually don’t see why not driving is a stick to beat people with. Being able to drive doesn’t make you morally superior, or indicate that you are a proper adult.

Dozer · 06/02/2021 11:10

And he’s sexist as well as lazy.

Marinaloves · 06/02/2021 11:10

Also who wallpapers these days! It’s a bit, well, 70s

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/02/2021 11:12

My point about the OP and choice or not of whether to work PT was not part of the response to your post, DancingBear. It was a further point. I could have put it in a separate post if the separate paragraph wasn't enough for you.

Anyway, a wind-up or not this is beginning to sound like hard work. I'd better get dressed now instead of lazing in bed after my own FT working week.

DemolitionBarbie · 06/02/2021 11:13

I worked for a development charity for a bit that did work in Africa. There were some places where the men did literally f-all and the women did everything. (I'm by no means saying all of Africa is like this!)

They'd do an exercise where both spouses noted what they did on a typical week, added up the hours of work. Suddenly they'd work out why the women were exhausted. I think more UK couples should do the same.

OP having a DH like this when I have kids at home is one thing, the pros and cons might change once your kids are independent and start to leave home. If you want to be together longer term, something has to change.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 06/02/2021 11:14

I don’t think this is a hypothetical question. We know sunglasses1’s dh doesn’t do anything after working. Not even driving. So if he isn’t willing to step up to helping what makes you think there is a remote possibility that he would if she worked the same hours as him.

It's ENTIRELY hypothetical - OP is not proposing to begin working FT, is she? 'Not even driving' - many people don't drive, for many reasons, it doesn't mean they are lazy.

RosesAndHellebores · 06/02/2021 11:14

I'm not sure about this one as someone who has been married for 30byears and has a DH who does/did very little house/child/domestic work and admin.

However:

Him: For the first 25 years probably worked 60+ hours pw, every single week. Acknowledged workaholic.

Me: 7 years off with DC, 2 years part-time, last 16 full time 35 to 40 hpw and now demanding fulltime 45/50 pw and DH has reduced to that too.

When DC were small and at school I did all supermarket shops, cooking, laundry, school runs, domestic management and admin. I have always had a cleaner and other people decorate and clean the oven, windows, etc. Despite doing all that I have always felt we rendered an equal contribution and it was fair.

DH's work provided a lovely home(s), school fees, lifestyle and funded help. I worked to have something to do when the dc went to school. He couldn't have achieved what he did without me and we wouldn't have had all we had without him. We worked as a team and acknowledged he loved work and had a passion and vocation; I was good at work and actually loved home-making too.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 06/02/2021 11:15

You should have equal leisure time. He does work long hours, and I don't blame him for not wanting to do DIY at weekends.

The rest sounds really annoying though, so YANBU

An0n0n0n · 06/02/2021 11:22

He finds "modern life" difficult because it isnt the 50s ...

Next time tell him how much it will be to get someone in to do his half and get him to pay. Do half the cleaning and he can pay someone else to do the rest. Stop washing his stuff.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/02/2021 11:27

Get back to work full time and then divorce him. You are basically a maid and cook. I couldn't live like that. I have in the past but no more. Men like this never change. You'll be a maid and chauffeur until you die.

Gingersnaphappy · 06/02/2021 11:28

Employ a decorator and a cleaner?

And you shouldn't have to, but allocate one distinct task to one person (husband and teens) as it is then glaringly obvious to everyone if it is not done:

for example my teen DD is responsible for all downstairs floors and skirting boards because she likes hoovering and mopping

my niece is responsible for her own washing + all "house" washing eg all towels, bath mats, t-towels, cleaning cloths, sofa covers, dog blankets, a few light-weight curtains (and that includes, putting everything away when dry, and changing towels etc in downstairs loo).

my nephew is responsible for dog-walking, vets visits, cleaning up after dog, worming, flea treatments,v grooming, teeth etc

If your DH doesn't feel he fits in with the modern world, how about he takes responsibility for all gardening, plus maybe window cleaning, porch sweeping, outdoor paint work? Or pays for a gardener?

You say he takes ads and find things overwhelming sometimes. If he has anxiety and or depression then he may well find working ft very genuinely exhausting. Maybe he needs to change or step up his medicine or start exercising or similar? Or you could both change your work hours?

billy1966 · 06/02/2021 11:30

How have you put with this for 20 years OP🙄.

Flowers
Gingersnaphappy · 06/02/2021 11:34

@HugeAckmansWife

I wonder what would happen in most households if the PT worker said, 'OK spouse, I'll go back full time so you aren't carrying the stress of being the only breadwinner. Which 50% of all the household / child related mental load would you like.. Here's the list'. If that list included ALL the stuff including taking days off for kids sickness, inset, appointments that can't be done on weekends, getting to parents evenings, awards assemblies etc. I think it would be a really interesting experiment.
^ Great post!
lockdownalli · 06/02/2021 11:39

I think maybe YAB a bit U....

I would (and do) pay for decorator/gardener/cleaner rather than do it all.

Agree with PP re driving too. Don't do it if inconvenient or he can get a taxi or train etc.