to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

[sunglasses1]

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I cannot imagine a man as a husband and father not driving! He is the man of the house and should be willing to take on the key masculine duties, including driving long distances and doing the decorating and DIY. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. you deserve to have someone treat you properly and like a queen - he should step up and start acting like a man.

You sound like our former PM with her "girls" household jobs and "boys" which is a very 1950s mindset.

* You sound like our former PM with her "girls" household jobs and "boys" which is a very 1950s mindset.*

Thatcher or May? Why was said?

@Hagotcha80

Flexi-furloughed? Is that even allowed?

Yes it is

@Dontknowanymore2

I don't want to make you feel worse but this does not get any better. My husband is retired and I am not exaggerating when I say he does nothing. I do everything, at first I thought he was lazy but there comes a point whete it goes beyond lazy. He only watches TV, it is so depressing. I keep very busy but all the DIY I do is just a crutch. It is very downing. Seems to be many more males doing nothing than female. In fact I don't know of any women doing nothing.

My MIL does nothing - always has. Never worked either - that is lazy.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Oh and I forgot she also does it for her husband, who has abdicated that role by choosing not to drive.

Doesn’t mean he can’t take them anywhere by bus, though does it?

The teens should be able to take themselves places at their age.

So you can be furloughed but still work?

Do you know what all of these apologists for depression being a valid excuse for doing nothing. FUCK THAT! You are total mugs.
I have a serious mental health condition for which I will be taking anti-depressants and anti-psychotics for the rest of my life to prevent hallucinations and mental deterioration.
With the pills my nature is very sunny and I can just get on with life.
I work full time as a medical professional in the NHS and have brought up a child single handed and bought my own home.
I have never had a day of sick from work with my condition.
Your husband chooses not to live a life, not to do anything and not to seek help.
LTB and live a decent life on your own.

* Under the rules of furlough, it is clear that in order to be eligible to be claimed for under the CJRS, an employee cannot undertake work for or on behalf of the employer’s organisation, or any organisation linked or associated with the employer’s organisation whilst on furlough. This includes providing services or generating revenue for any such organisation.*

My mistake
It is permitted
Apologies

@englishroseamongstirishthorns
"I cannot imagine a man as a husband and father not driving! He is the man of the house and should be willing to take on the key masculine duties, including driving long distances and doing the decorating and DIY. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. you deserve to have someone treat you properly and like a queen - he should step up and start acting like a man."

Good lord! Gender equality has flown straight past you hasn't it?

@Hagotcha80

* You sound like our former PM with her "girls" household jobs and "boys" which is a very 1950s mindset.*

Thatcher or May? Why was said?

May

www-standard-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/bbc-the-one-show-theresa-may-and-husband-philip-spark-outcry-with-sexist-comments-over-boy-jobs-and-girl-jobs-a3534876.html?amp_js_v=a6&amp_gsa=1&amp&usqp=mq331AQHKAFQArABIA%3D%3D#aoh=16127798319055&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.standard.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fpolitics%2Fbbc-the-one-show-theresa-may-and-husband-philip-spark-outcry-with-sexist-comments-over-boy-jobs-and-girl-jobs-a3534876.html

I don't drive. I don't expect others to drive for me. I live a life that doesn't need a car. I find most car drivers so wedded to the idea that a car is a necessity for everyone (and most of us are not living in isolated rural settings where a car is necessary) that they cannot grasp that many of us are perfectly happy living without one. I also find that many car drivers insist on arranging things that do need a car and then stropping all over the place because non drivers can't do them. Don't arrange a holiday that requires driving if you're with a non driver and are someone who is resentful of doing all the driving, for god's sake. Don't decide a trip to a place that can only easily be accessed by car is a trip you want to make and then get narked that you'll be the one driving. Go somewhere else.

Could you start working full time, 10 hours/ day or even longer, so that it's more equal for both of you? The extra money you earned could be invested in a cleaner, decorator and gardener, more takeaways and even the odd taxi/bus pass for the kids, or possibly an au pair to drive them around. You both could then try and relax together more on weekends and in the evenings.

@GoodbyeRosie

I cannot stand the vitriol aimed towards people, especially men, who for whatever reason don't drive..especially on Mumsnet.

I am a man, passed my test 30 years ago I've had two cars as that's what is expected as a man..but I was a terrible driver. Despite putting myself through extreme anxiety and other stress based illnesses trying to 'get used to it' , I stopped. I was dangerous. I just couldn't do it. Passing my test was a fluke.

When I met my partner neither of us had cars, but then we were in a position to get one and I explained I would never drive, and if that was a relationship deal breaker then so be it.

It is unfair on her , and I try and make up for it in other ways.

Unfortunately I cannot escape the contempt my family , friends and even loose acquaintances have for me because I'm a parent that doesn't drive.

I have tried everything, refresher lessons, hypnosis etc , but it's never going to happen.

So, there I am. Not really a man apparently because I am a father that doesn't drive.

Do you live in a rural area?

Plenty of people manage fine with public transport and or cycling,

Clearly messing around

Particularly given that at the time of the interview she was in the most powerful job in the country

@MrsTerryPratchett

If he didn't have a wife and kids he'd have to wash his own socks and cook. Why does he do LESS?

That's what I've always said to my sisters. If they lived alone they would be working abs also cooking , cleaning, washing and doing a food shopping plus decorating and all house diy.

Bu

* That's what I've always said to my sisters. If they lived alone they would be working abs also cooking , cleaning, washing and doing a food shopping plus decorating and all house diy.*

My brother does the bare minimum. I don’t like visiting. But it doesn’t bother him in the slightest.

What’s important to many women, including myself, is not important for many men, and yet we expect them to conform to our house cleaning standards

Please read Fair play by Eve Rodsky.

If you were a man these responses would be very different. Your children are teenagers now therefore as another poster said, you could go full time yourself and pay for a cleaner, decorater etc. You dont need to to be part time anymore

I find the contempt you have for your husband worrying. I opened this thread expecting to read about a man refusing to work or parent his children. However you admit he is the breadwinner, works around 45 hours per week and is a good dad.

The only examples you can give are decorating and driving. You mention your husband has mental health issues but you dont say what. You dont say how long his commute is or what sort of job he has. Or what sort of area you live in as to whether its feasible to not need to drive. If he is refusing to do anything at all then yes he should do more. But if its just decorating then thats a poor example and I feel your "utter contempt" may be contributing to his poor mental health as he will know you feel this way.

You need to work on your relationship but I suspect you checked out a while ago from the words you use to describe the man you are supposed to love

@Hagotcha80

So you can be furloughed but still work?

It not difficult to find this information if you are genuinely interested www.gov.uk/government/news/flexible-furlough-scheme-starts-today

I can’t believe there are posters who think that the working hours of each person shouldn’t matter at all.

You can’t say to the FT worker “oh, I want a share of your extra money, but you don’t get a share of my extra time”. How does that work?

If OP pays half towards all expenses, then the hours become irrelevant and all household chores should be split equally. If he wants to pay a cleaner to do his share with the extra “full time money” he earns, then he can. Otherwise, I can let see why anyone should get the best of both worlds!

@SharkBrilliant

I can’t believe there are posters who think that the working hours of each person shouldn’t matter at all.

You can’t say to the FT worker “oh, I want a share of your extra money, but you don’t get a share of my extra time”. How does that work?

If OP pays half towards all expenses, then the hours become irrelevant and all household chores should be split equally. If he wants to pay a cleaner to do his share with the extra “full time money” he earns, then he can. Otherwise, I can let see why anyone should get the best of both worlds!

Because people are conflating the idea of a woman doing the greater share of domestic chores with her being made subservient to a man. They cannot see beyond the idea of domestic work equaling female exploitation, regardless of the nuances of the situation.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I cannot imagine a man as a husband and father not driving! He is the man of the house and should be willing to take on the key masculine duties, including driving long distances and doing the decorating and DIY. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. you deserve to have someone treat you properly and like a queen - he should step up and start acting like a man.

Seriously, do you actually believe what you've written there?

With the pills my nature is very sunny and I can just get on with life.

I am very glad that the medication works so well for you, but current antidepressants don't work, or don''t work fully, for a significant number of people with the condition. And, even if they do, their side-effects may sometimes make it unwise for people to drive.

I cannot imagine a man as a husband and father not driving! He is the man of the house and should be willing to take on the key masculine duties, including driving long distances and doing the decorating and DIY. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. you deserve to have someone treat you properly and like a queen - he should step up and start acting like a man.

Good god. This isn't 1950! And even in 1950, the expectation was that the husband should be the main provider, not that he should automatically do lots of decorating, or long-distance driving (only the well-off even had cars then).

I would be concerned that the OP's husband isn't pulling his weight in everyday household jobs like cleaning and cooking, but I certainly wouldn't demand that he automatically be the driver and decorator just because he has a Y chromosome.

And I don't need anyone to treat me like a queen; I need to be treated like a PERSON.