to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

[sunglasses1]

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

I get the not wanting to decorate thing if it’s not something he’s good at - just hire someone in future or donut yourself like you are going to!

The other stuff - easy just don’t do his washing or cook for him anymore !

I stopped doing my husbands laundry years ago - it was annoying me that I was always doing it! So now we just both do our own!

Never had an issue with food - he loves to cook - so we do our fair share - but I guess you could stop doing that too and leave him to it

Other household chores - tbh life’s too short to argue about these things - get a cleaner

Yeah, wallpapering is a sod and if you can afford it get someone in. Maybe a few hundred quid for a pro. The not being able to drive is unusual - did he never learn? Would he try to learn now? As for other chores/responsibilities etc what doe she contribute? Does he literally do nothing at home or with the kids?

When I was working f/t I did not want to be wallpapering at the weekend.

Sharing cooking, routine keeping on top of chores is one thing, and should be shared fairly. but you do seem to want to do a lot of decorating.

Personally I don’t find running a household once kids are grown up anywhere near even a part time job.

modern life is difficult

does that mean hes more into the 50s you be a housewife and i'll go to work model?

OP my own dad didn't drive. We lived in suburbia so this was a real problem in our lives and ultimately for my parents' marriage, it had a knock on effect into other aspects of our lives and built up resentment. My mother also did the DIY etc.

I've always felt that their issues could have maybe been resolved if they had spoken about it properly and got it out in the open (my mum has let me know they didnt' effectively) Eg - if he won't do DIY, you need to be free to hire someone to help, without guilt. If he doesn't want to do the gardening, he can help with homework etc. There must be something he is willing to take on.

My father always claimed he was nervous to drive as he didnt' feel his motor control skills were that good. (Also would have interfered with his alcohol consumption!)
Found out after he died from my uncle that he had been unharmed but badly traumatised as a teenager in a bad car accident in which more than one friend died, just wish he'd talked about it.

Ok so think about the decorating - who decided that decorating was needed? Who decided that the decorating solution was wallpapering and that it should be a DIY job? And who decided that wallpapering would happen NOW?

Are you approaching these decisions as a team? If he said that he thought something else was a higher priority, or that he didn't like wallpaper, or DIY wallpaper was a no-no would he get a say?

Or are you going ahead with a lot of stuff he isn't interested or engaged in, and then being pissed off with him?

You need to be approaching these things as a team together and it is OK for him to say stuff like he hates gardening so might not want the same garden as you, would prefer never to hang wallpaper in his life. But he doesn't get out of doing any basic chores around the house - everyone has to do something.

Why not get someone in to decorate if he doesn't like the way you do it .

Tbh, you’ve allowed this to continue for 20 years. Things aren’t going to change now without a massive battle and drama. It’s no good feeling resentful 20 years down the line, when this should have been addressed many years ago. I just would never have accepted this. . Why has it suddenly become such a massive issue for you now?

DH works Mon - fri 9-6/7

Sorry OP but after working 9/10 hours a day I don’t think I’d be running the hoover round, decorating or doing anything much during the week.

I work P/T and when I am at home (and my DH is at work) I do chores in and out of the house so that when the working day is over we can both relax.
In theory I take on the majority of the chores so that we both put in a 9/10 hr working day (except I don’t because I definitely have more free time during the week than he does).

Ok so think about the decorating - who decided that decorating was needed? Who decided that the decorating solution was wallpapering and that it should be a DIY job? And who decided that wallpapering would happen NOW?

This is a very good point.

DH works Mon - fri 9-6/7

He works a full time working week and you work part time? Maybe he wants a rest?

modern life is difficult

Well unless he has a time machine that’s not going to change.

I wouldn’t want to wallpaper either but does he pull his weight with other household tasks; dishwasher, bins whatever.

Yes, the kids will help when asked, This sounds pretty petty , but today i asked him to help me to some wall papering on Sunday and he said flat out No . I think finds things like that overwhelming- so he’s said not helping me

I would have said no too.

@Scroremanga

DH works Mon - fri 9-6/7

He works a full time working week and you work part time? Maybe he wants a rest?

This.

Agree with previous posters I suppose that its not so much the specific tasks, but about how tasks are divided and if people have equal leisure time. I dont drive however I get myself to work and social activities and take our daughter to all her activities (pre lockdown) without lifts. I try really hard not to impose on anyone to be driven around. So yeah, OH does have to do the longer drives for holidays etc which I do understand is tiring. But on the flip side, I do all the cooking and food shopping, all the child care and child admin, all the laundry and the vast majority of other housework. And work 30 hours a week. So I don't think he has that raw a deal as the only driver.

@sunglasses1

I have spoken to him about mucking in more before , but he’s been on anti depressants for several years and says he finds ‘modern life’ difficult ......,,,

Ie when the man is expected to help?

We do share chores but the couple of years I worked PT I did do the lions share. It didn’t mean DH did nothing obviously but we literally took it hour for an hour, I’m fast at everything I do as well so to be honest I did well out of it. Most of our relationship has had us both working long hours with commutes so we share very much 50/50 then.

You have had these roles for a long time it will require some effort to change that but sit done with him and talk about it at a time when you don’t have time pressure. The teens should be completely sorting their own rooms and laundry out.

Decorating is pretty skilled if you want it done properly. I would be overwhelmed if someone expected me to wallpaper.

Responsibility for the financial wellbeing of a house full of dependents is a heavy burden to carry. Add in the insecure times we are living in, and that may feel overwhelming too.

Presumably H has never driven and this is something you have accepted up until now. Is there a reason this has become such an issue lately?

I think you have to take more responsibility for your own choices, no one is making you decorate or be a taxi or have a beautiful garden but as you work part time I think it makes sense for you to be do more of the cooking and cleaning just because you have more time. I think you might be blaming him for not doing things that you feel obliged to do. If you don't want to run the kids around all the time/don't want to be digging up the garden/don't want to be attempting to stick up wall paper then don't, if you're happy doing it then don't blame him for not being happy to do it. Alternatively if you can afford it then take the stress out and get someone into do the things no one wants to do.

I think there's more to this, either there's more that you're unhappy about in the relationship or you're not very happy with your own life right now - ie you want to retrain or be doing something else.

I thikn lockdown is really making everything hard but maybe it's a good time to really look at your life and think about what you want for the future. What makes you happy? I would also talk to OH about what each of you can contribute and what you hate doing and how you can work things between you so you are a team and not resentful about what you are doing. It sounds like he finds life quite stressful and you're feeling resentful and if you can work together and understand each others point of view it could really help x

Can you pay for a painter/Decorator? Maybe he could pay for it? Not driving would be very annoying for me Im afraid, unless he has some sort of problem .He sounds hard work .The point is you have assumed the roles of Driver/Decorator all round Cook and bottlewasher while he "earns the money" You do an awful lot on top of working PT!

@sunglasses1

DH works Mon - fri 9-6/7

Yes, the kids will help when asked, This sounds pretty petty , but today i asked him to help me to some wall papering on Sunday and he said flat out No . I think finds things like that overwhelming- so he’s said not helping me ...

I wouldn't help with decorating either - it wouldn't end well. You need some skill for that, especially wallpapering.

But the other stuff - he should learn to drive when lessons restart and do general household stuff.

The DIY is easily sorted by getting a professional in to do it if you can afford it. Some people are obsessed with updating their house every few years and always seem to be painting or whatever. I can't understand that personally. It's hard to know whhether you fall into that category of decorating every other year or not but maybe he's just happy with the house how it is? He might begrudge paying out for an update if the room was only done 3 years ago, for example.

There is no reason why you can't do the decorating yourself or most of the cleaning on your non-working days. I do see going out to paid work and doing household jobs as being equally valuable contributions in terms of the whole household "load"- it is precisely for that reason that the person who only works PT when children are older should do more around the house. They are contributing but just in a different way. It's no longer about childcare by then but about freeing time up for everyone by ensuring that some household chores are done by the weekend instead of like in our house where, because we both work FT, we basically have to fill most of our weekend either resting or doing household chores. I would love to go part time and can afford to but it's finding the right job at the moment. If I did get a part time one then yes, I would be fully expecting to step up and do more round the house than DH does. It would be unfair for me to just have more leisure time than he does, contribute less monetarily yet still expect him to do half round the house.

You have much more time once the children are teenagers. It's silly to say they need just as much looking after as little ones. Of course they don't. They don't need nappies changing, hours of breast feeding or bottles making up, bathing, carrying round, rocking to sleep, close supervision, walked to the park every day, etc etc. They need the emotional support but most are pretty self-sufficient, in practical terms

I can't comment on the driving as it seems alien to me for an adult not to be able to drive, unless they live in London. For our family it's an essential life skill, we couldn't manage without it. So I don't really understand adults like your DH who don't, I don't get where they're coming from. I feel the same about either men or women not driving. The other partner has the burden of doing all the driving or ferrying everyone round.

I think you should have a family meeting and divvy up the chores so that everyone chooses something they don't mind doing (I prefer to clean than cook, DH is the opposite).

So next time he wants driving somewhere, you say a flat no too. You can "not be in the mood" as well.

My DH is 57 and since turning 50, he spends nearly all of his time off sitting in a chair watching TV and sleeping. It was making me feel really depressed tbh, so now I've taken to having one of the grandkids for the weekend. It gives DD1 a break, and I get company.

And I have stopped doing anywhere near as much for him as i used to. You can't change his behaviour, but you can change your reaction to it if that makes sense.

@Sue81

Agree with previous posters I suppose that its not so much the specific tasks, but about how tasks are divided and if people have equal leisure time. I dont drive however I get myself to work and social activities and take our daughter to all her activities (pre lockdown) without lifts. I try really hard not to impose on anyone to be driven around. So yeah, OH does have to do the longer drives for holidays etc which I do understand is tiring. But on the flip side, I do all the cooking and food shopping, all the child care and child admin, all the laundry and the vast majority of other housework. And work 30 hours a week. So I don't think he has that raw a deal as the only driver.

I don't understand this at all. Why should he get equal leisure time?

He works longer hours than she does. That is what it is, and it's not the OP's fault.

It doesn't excuse him from having to bear his share of family life.

What DOES he do around the house? Does he do all the washing up, laundry, tidying?

If he just won’t do decorating I can have some sympathy with him. If he does sod all domestically that’s a different story.