to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

[sunglasses1]

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

@justilou1,

Does that apply to all the ‘stay at home parents’ of teenage children whose life consists of gym and coffee mornings?

Why is paid work so undervalued on here? I get is is a reaction to many years ago when it was the only thing valued, but I suspect the OP does nothing like 45 hours of work per week looking after teenagers and part time work (although more detail is required here).

Equality of working hours and free time is the fair way to look at things.

Did you discuss and agree on the wallpapering ?
It sounds. Like you just decided you wanted it done and if that's the case I would say no as well

How does decorating normally go when you do it together? It is a bit angsty and on edge? Do you argue? If so I can see why he doesn't want to. If you want it done and he doesn't then why not simply pay someone to do it?

Cab you afford to pay someone to do the work? I know it may not be possible but it may lift some of the pressure

I can't believe someone thinks the kids should do more because daddy can't do modern life. How ridiculous. Everyone should be doing stuff. Loving partners help each other. My dh didn't particularly want to spend a day and a half doing DIY but once I said why I'd like it done he was on it.

After the working week I’ve had I’m just going to throw in ‘what work does he do?’

There’s a big difference between full time low stress work and full time full on huge amounts of accountability and responsibility.

I am mentally and physically exhausted this weekend after a really gruelling week. If my husband asked me to do more than eat the dinner he’s ordered from the take away this evening I might cry.

He too works hard but his job doesn’t have quite the same level of stress mine does and he supports me by knowing that I am pretty much useless some weekends.

Having said that I will do all child entertainment at the weekends so am not complete failure.

If OP husband is fighting crime and solving mysteries at a high level and OP is not facing same level of drain on mental resources then... I get it to some extent.

We share our lives and understand each other. Maybe it’s not the decoration and driving but a deeper problem about lack of understanding of each other’s roles?

Just saying...

phoenix if the op worked 20 hours say, that's 25 left, over 7 days. I really really doubt she is doing less than 4 hours a day of house and kid related stuff. It adds up v v quickly. In normal times, up at 7, sorting school stuff, breakfast, emptying dishwasher, putting on laundry, school run. Whatever random jobs and errands through the day then pick ups, activities, homework oversight, dinner prep and clearing and kitchen wipe down and more dishwasher / laundry, fix a torn blazer pocket, locate the missing text book, get the food tech ingredients ready, sort out a row, the printer, the frozen laptop.... Etc. In these times, replace the school runs and activities with homeschooling and up the cooking, clearing, sorting out rows etc. It's not hard to fill those hours at all.

I’d resent my DH more for working part time despite no reason too and leaving me to shoulder the bulk of the financial burden than him not being able to drive.
I would certainly expect him to pick up the bulk of the household duties given he was working far less.

You could always find full time work to match his hours and then split the household side equally if you want more equality.

Imo, it's dead simple: The FT worker does X hours a week and commute.
The PT worker does X hours a week, commute plus extra hours at home to balance out the fact they bring less money in - anything from caring for DC, cooking, cleaning etc. Once their hours match FT worker hours, the rest has to be shared equally.

I wouldn't be upset if someone can't drive (I know non-drivers are seen as lazy leeches on MN but many people can't and shouldn't drive for many reasons.) But the non-driver should appreciate that driving is a chore and pull their weight in other ways: cooking, cleaning, decorating, gardening, doing bin night etc.

If he really does nothing around the home because in his eyes he brings home the main wage so he should be waited on, then you have a massive problem. But if he does loads of jobs that you neglect to register (sorting out bills maybe? Or helping with homework) then work out what else he could add to that to share the workload more fairly.

I wish I could not do modern life. As a single parent I did it all whilst worrying about money!

If I were you I would find a FT job. Some of these jobs could be outsourced then.

I would full time and often have days off to scrub or decorate.

@HugeAckmansWife

phoenix if the op worked 20 hours say, that's 25 left, over 7 days. I really really doubt she is doing less than 4 hours a day of house and kid related stuff. It adds up v v quickly. In normal times, up at 7, sorting school stuff, breakfast, emptying dishwasher, putting on laundry, school run. Whatever random jobs and errands through the day then pick ups, activities, homework oversight, dinner prep and clearing and kitchen wipe down and more dishwasher / laundry, fix a torn blazer pocket, locate the missing text book, get the food tech ingredients ready, sort out a row, the printer, the frozen laptop.... Etc. In these times, replace the school runs and activities with homeschooling and up the cooking, clearing, sorting out rows etc. It's not hard to fill those hours at all.

School run, school stuff and making breakfast for teenagers ? I doubt it

He’s working full time and mostly doing all the financial support for five people, I wouldn’t mind him not helping with things like decorating. Especially if he struggles with his mental health and genuinely needs some time doing nothing when not at work.

Saying that though, I’d find it very hard to be with a man that doesn’t drive.

Absolutely no reason why you should be working part time. I think until you start pulling your weight financially your argument that your husband is lazy doesn't hold.

What is it with these posts who think it’s fine to work PT but then still every household job should be shared equally ? Why is that fair ?

I worked PT for years 3 days when babies then 4 days when school age and I loved it ! Loads of time for me, baby groups when little and coffee with friends, but I also did most the household stuff ( that was the trade off) Been FT for years now and still miss my Fridays day off.

I did not do any gardening or decorating which are typically weekend jobs, DH chooses to do them as if I had my way I would pay someone as I am not interested or skilled enough to do it, so it’s his choice and he sees it as exercise.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d resent my DH more for working part time despite no reason too and leaving me to shoulder the bulk of the financial burden than him not being able to drive. I would certainly expect him to pick up the bulk of the household duties given he was working far less.

You could always find full time work to match his hours and then split the household side equally if you want more equality.

I can guarantee she would still do the majority if not all the household chores.

I find it really bizarre that there is this idea that just because you work you get a free pass on anything house work/childcare related

I work 4 days a week and my partner works 5, we both do housework and look after the kids because we are both adults...who need our washing doing...and because we are in a relationship and I'm not his mum

I think wall papering was a bad example op
No one wants to wallpaper
And the driving well so what.

Are these the only examples? Does he do nothing at all around the house

This isn't me excusing him, because as an adult you are expected to muck in and help your partner to the best of your ability, however: Has he ever been tested for ADHD?

The "inability to cope with modern life", the delay in life skills like driving, the apparent feeling overwhelmed when asked to do multi-step tasks, and the anti-depressants, all make me wonder.

Either way like PPs have said, communicating your unhappiness with him and working together on a routine chart that works for both of you might be a start. Best of luck

Why is there 70 responses with strong opinions one way or the other without anywhere near enough info to go from?
What if the ops part time job is 10 hours per week and it's a walk away? My secondary school age child is out of the house for nearly 12 hours a day during school. There is nearly always time for a full time job once the dc are at secondary.

Op - you're pissed off today, but only you can be honest with yourself and say during a normal non-covid week who does the most work out of you both.

@strawberrypip,

But your argument can so easily be reversed.

You are in a relationship. Why should he subsidise you to have a day off a week? He is not your dad.

I think that if you choose to work part time, or even not at all, if you are both happy and can afford it, or is a legitimate choice. However, the less you work, the more of the household stuff you should take care of.

Sounds like he won't change. I would be looking to leave.

@Skyr2

What is it with these posts who think it’s fine to work PT but then still every household job should be shared equally ? Why is that fair ?

I worked PT for years 3 days when babies then 4 days when school age and I loved it ! Loads of time for me, baby groups when little and coffee with friends, but I also did most the household stuff ( that was the trade off) Been FT for years now and still miss my Fridays day off.

I did not do any gardening or decorating which are typically weekend jobs, DH chooses to do them as if I had my way I would pay someone as I am not interested or skilled enough to do it, so it’s his choice and he sees it as exercise.

I should add to my post I was PT for years but went FT when youngest started secondary and now that we are both FT we do share household chores, although I still do not do garden or decorating so I do less by that measure.

Mine are not yet teens, but I work with teens and know that they are far from independent in the house, for the most part. I agree though, that without full details of the exact hours and type of work we should only talk in generalities, so in that spirit.. I think that unless you are working an unusually long day or unusually high stress or physically exhausting job you shouldn't be excused from ANY household duties at all. Yes the PT person should do more but not all. And big tasks like DIY or gardening should be shared according to interest, aptitude and if those are lacking, outsource it with the unwilling person contribution. I really dislike this thing about 'he's providing for 5 people' thing like it's the weight of the world. It's his family, not random hangers on and he chose to have the children.. Surely that comes with an obvious 'burden' of providing for them in ALL ways, not just financial.

yes, hes definitley not in the dad role lol considering that I work much longer hours than him on the 4 days I do work - I just dont understand this notion of not chipping in with the housework or childcare. presumably kids they both wanted and chores need doing, that's just facts. I would find it lazy and off putting too if someone didnt lift a finger, especially doing fairly normal work hours and having weekends off. its basic life skills surely, when you move out. clean and tidy up, help look after the kids you made. simple.

The wall papering thing is not a bad example. OP has asked him to help her. Presumably to make their home look more appealing. Maybe she wanted him to hold the ladder, or pass her the paper whilst she climbed up the ladder. Or wipe some paste on a sheet with a brush. Is that so fucking unreasonable?

He does sound lazy.

That is a shitty quality. And the 'modern lufe'get out clause is a bit pathetic.

Bet he's not to lazy for a shag when he wants it either.