to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

[sunglasses1]

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

Got to admit I wouldn’t be wallpapering this weekend either. And if I’m honest would prefer to have someone else in to do it when we’re not there. There’s never been a case of urgent wallpapering and that can wait till post pandemic.

I don’t equate not driving with laziness. Lots of people don’t have cars and don’t drive, they are not lazy.

Kids should help all the time.
He should contribute to regular household tasks at the weekend. But like you he needs rest then.

My choice would be to work outside the home and employ a cleaner and tradespeople as much as possible.

If he didn't have a wife and kids he'd have to wash his own socks and cook. Why does he do LESS

...and if she didn’t have a husband to be the ‘bread winner’ she’d have to work FT whilst also juggling the house and kids (as many many working mothers do)... so why is she doing LESS?

Don't denigrate your contributions. You have not worked "part time". You worked part time at a paying job and full time as a wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, cleaner, gardener, decorator and chauffeur. He brings home a paycheck and sits on his backside saying he "can't cope with modern life

Erm no OP has worked part time. Plenty of working mothers work ft hours whilst also juggling houses and children too so comments like this ‘devalue’ their struggles. Don’t get me wrong OP being at home with the kids it’s incredibly hard work but in my experience most women who work PT do so because it’s their choice to spend more time with the kids. Having this choice is a privilege not all mums get. I find it frustrating when women describe DH’s/DP’s who are working ft to provide but don’t pick up their socks so suddenly they’re contribution isn’t enough and they’re lazy arses.

Fwiw I’m a PT worker at home with a baby and house whilst DH works 60+ hours a week so I’m in the same situation.

It all depends.

Is his full time job stressful? How much does he bring in? If he is bringing in a lot, then you just need to get organised with the help you need around the home.

How part time is your part time job? How much free time do you have in the week compared to him?

How many of these ‘jobs’ are necessities and how many are optional? If you have decided to redo a wall as a project, perfectly reasonable for him not to help. If it was a repair from damp (say), he maybe should be mucking in.

Given how little info you have given, I suspect you are being unreasonable.

Get yourself a full time job and see if you then feel like wall papering on your day off. Bet you won't.

ddl1 now that you mention it, dyspraxia sounds like a possibility. I can do do full time/complex work but attempting to spread wall paper would probably make me cry tbh.

The difference between OPs husband and I though is that I'd offer to take the DCs to the park while DH wallpapered. I also happily walk quite long distances to not always rely on lifts (DH hates walking so always offers me lifts though)

Not wanting to wallpaper isn't a huge offence, OP. I don't want to wallpaper tomorrow. I did get the entire family to help paint a room before Christmas an it took a great deal of jollying along and planning.

I don't know your circumstances, but I think a lot of marriages are strained right now from this winter lockdown. In these circumstances I ask myself "Is he irritating, or am I irritable?"These days, it is both. So patience and generosity and warranted.

This isn't about who does what chores. The only fair way to compare your contributions is by looking at how much leisure time you both have.

He works 9-7. If you can do your paid job and the childcare/household chores that you have detailed within 9-7, Mon-Fri, with say an hour for lunch, it's fair.

If you are saying that you also work 9-7, 5 days a week, or equivalent hours spread over 7 days, then it's fair.

If you are busy taxiing, cooking, working for more than 60 hours pw, then it's not.

With the decorating - does he agree that it needs doing? My DP will ask me to help with big jobs from time to time but sometimes he is the only one who thinks they need doing. No, I like the garden as it is and don't want an arbour. If you want one, you spend your day off building it.

Lots of people won't wall paper.
As for division of labour at home in our house person at home does everything and anything left is shared.
In our house I work 7.30 to 6.30pm DW works 8.30 to 12.30 has 6 hours to do home stuff anything left we share.
So it does look as though DW does majority of home stuff but that is because I'm at work and Dw at home .It's not as though I'm sat doing nothing watching .

Why do you work part time OP? Is it because you don't like work/like having more free time? If so YAB a bit U. Or do you work pt because you know that if you didn't the house would be a tip, the kids wouldn't get collected on time, he'd bitch that you weren't cooking from scratch etc? If so then YANBU. Basically, is him refusing to pull his weight preventing you from working full time? Would you still choose to work PT if you could guarantee he would take on 50% at home?

Good for you @rwalker. However a lot of men do watch whilst life goes on without them. The title tells you how frustrated this woman is. So somethings got to give. Looks like he needs to imo. She has left him to get away with doing little for too long. It often gets really shit before it gets better.

Should he get a live-in cleaner and cook also since he doesn’t do any share of that?

Presumably without the wife and kids he could afford them.

Feeling contempt for your husband is a real sign that your marriage isn’t going to continue

I don’t think these examples are too bad, definitely read worse on here but if you’re not happy then you need to do something about it

I voted YANBU, OP. Household chores should be split equally, irrespective of whether each partner works very long hours, is p/t, or is a stay at home parent.

If you only wish to work p/t, it's your prerogative. Pretty depressing to see all the cool wives sticking up for a man's right to do fuck all.

Sounds like you are getting the uck.
No coming back from that.
And as a PP put it, there is something incredibly unsexy in a man who has to be ferried around and complains like a manbaby

If he didn't have a wife and kids he'd have to wash his own socks and cook. Why does he do LESS?

He would, but in regards to bigger projects like wallpapering he would most likely think the room looks fine as it is, or if he really wants a change (less likely) he would pay a decorator to do it.

Wallpapering is a big job, something couples spend time thinking about together. Not something that should be sprung on you on Thursday for Sunday.

He is not lazy as he works a long old day!

Do you do the equivalent in PT work + housework in terms of hours?

We had a similar situation/set up and it drive me a bit mad during the pandemic as all my rewards fell away (I work 4hrs a day in IT + am housewife and before pandemic I went to the gym every evening for a swim or yoga or squash, the gym was my “reward” )

5 years ago DH learned to drive when I stopped taking him to his hobbies due to lack of time and inclination from my side. I stopped accommodating.

With housework, I turned it into a family thing and involved teens too, and we do a 1hr clean every Sunday

As the parking meter in our street says: Change is possible

@thedancingbear

I voted YANBU, OP. Household chores should be split equally, irrespective of whether each partner works very long hours, is p/t, or is a stay at home parent.

If you only wish to work p/t, it's your prerogative. Pretty depressing to see all the cool wives sticking up for a man's right to do fuck all.

So if a man worked, say, three hours a day, and a woman worked a 12 hour shift, you'd still expect her to come home and split all chores equally?

Rubbish. Equality of leisure time is the only way to calculate fairness.

@sunglasses1

I have spoken to him about mucking in more before , but he’s been on anti depressants for several years and says he finds ‘modern life’ difficult ......,,,

Sounds like he finds any life difficult. A very easy answer when happy to sit around doing nothing and watch other people working.

Plus those that don’t drive don’t realise how tiring and stressful it can be especially after a long journey

I agree with the pp who said its about hours. Does the OP do nothing before 9 and after 6/7? Does she have large chunks of time in the middle if the day sitting about? I really really suspect not. Working for money part time is often the worst if both worlds, you get no respect or credit at at work, often do more than your paid for and at home you're expected to do absolutely everything as well. And you get judged, as seen in here, of living off someone else and not contributing. A 45 hr week isn't mental hours, it's not 60 and unless he's doing something very physical or draining, there should not be this idea that outside of his hours he deserves to do fuck all. Big jobs like decorating, I get the idea of paying someone, but he hasn't suggested that has he, just let's his wife struggle alone. That's not what a real partner does and its a terrible example to the kids. Just because he does better than absent and / or work shy parents, let's not say he's great. 'modern life stresses him out'.. Did he think it was easier pre tech and pre washing machines etc? What he means is, adult, responsible, family life is a ballache he can't be arsed with so much he'll do his bit which he would be doing anyway and then let wifey pick up the stress, cos obviously she loves it and doesn't find it stressful 🙄

He doesn't get to check out of family responsibilities just because he has depression.

I would be tempted to suggest that he move himself off to Pennsylvania to find a nice Mennonite community where the “Modern World” will no longer inconvenience him

I’d be making sure things change before retirement. You’re probably late 40s or early 50s and thinking about that next stage comes around surprisingly quickly. If you don’t want to be one of those older women who wait on a man at home make sure you have a plan.

I think, whatever the circumstances. 'utter contempt' for your life partner is the death knell for a marriage. This isn't about who does the wallpapering (personally, I'd hire a decorator) it is the contempt you feel for someone you are supposed to love. If you can't find a way back, it is best to separate with dignity rather than drag the marriage on miserably. I suspect if his wife felt less contempt for him, you DH may find life easier to cope with - only one way to find out.

Why do you do the decorating? Surely the easy answer is to get it done professionally?