Family row over lending money

[Useranon20]

I’ve name changed for this.

SIL wants to ‘borrow’ money...around £650, towards ‘household bills’.

We DO have the money, but do not want to lend it.

1. Because it certainly won’t be returned
2. We never see this sibling, we are not close
3. Like most of DH’s siblings they are regular cigarette smokers; weed smokers and drinkers and would have more money if they cut out that shit.

One issue is that MIL thinks we are mean and puts a guilt trip on DH, pretty unsuccessfully but it’s annoying.
DH and I both have good jobs and a comfortable lifestyle. The rest of DH’s family struggle. DH came from a poverty stricken background. However, we didn’t get what we have by giving away money.

Secondly, the other siblings (DH’s other brothers and sisters) have very little but still lend to their sister and each other, and they have expressed that they are pissed off that they always have to ‘lend their money’ but we never do ‘our fair share’ and to be honest, this really rubs me up the wrong way.

This is not the first time the family have asked us for money, the most we’ve been asked for is £2500; the least £20. Every time DH says no, no excuse, just no.

It’s starting to cause animosity and it all leaves a sour taste. What would you do?

I never have spare money, so this is totally academic.... if I knew the household bills really needed paying, I would offer to pay the water or electric for them - just give me the account number and 24 hour payment line number, and I'll pay it. I'm not giving cash to weed smokers though.

I really don’t want to pay it though. I just think perhaps instead of 60 a day, they could be spending that money on their bills.

There seems to be a common misconception that because they're family they can cross lines that wouldn't typically be crossed anywhere else. At the end of the day they can have their opinions but ultimately it's yours and your husband's money. You've worked hard for it and have no obligation to lend it, or in this case, give it away to anyone. I've had this happen to me before by family and learned quickly after that.

Just carry on saying no. Lending it and never seeing it back would cause issues too.

Do not say yes.
It is DHs family, he is quite happy to say no to them. Carry on saying no. Maybe, eventually they might stop asking.
You know it would be a 'give' rather than a 'lend'

Just keep saying no. There’s nothing else you can do. And no of course you shouldn’t ask foe the payment details and pay it direct, it will just encourage them,

Just carry on saying no. If you, or the other siblings, keep giving them money, the requests for more will never stop.

Sounds pretty toxic. I have a similar issue. DH and I earn more than siblings and they do feel that we should be generous with them. We don't earn large salaries, they just think we earn a lot. I've stopped givng any money/gifts as it was never enough.

Have you raised the fact that they are spending £xx/month on cigarettes with them? Does MIL know about the weed?

@WayTooSoon

Have you raised the fact that they are spending £xx/month on cigarettes with them? Does MIL know about the weed?

Yes and yes. Apparently that’s their only luxury in life.

@funnylittlefloozie

I never have spare money, so this is totally academic.... if I knew the household bills really needed paying, I would offer to pay the water or electric for them - just give me the account number and 24 hour payment line number, and I'll pay it. I'm not giving cash to weed smokers though.

If you can’t afford your bills then you can’t afford buy cigarettes, alcohol and cannabis.....why should someone else pay their bills??🤔

The good news here is that you're both on the same page - there are many threads where the DH is passing family money to the inlaws secretly and it rarely ends well

Since DH is already doing the right thing in saying no the obvious answer is to go right on doing it, add that you don't want to hear any more demands and mean it. This will probably involve hanging up if SIL calls, deleting texts or whatever, but if you're already not close what is there to lose?

The other siblings using "their" money to bail each other out is their own affair, though you could point out they're not obliged to do it and maybe suggest some money management sites. However since they're clearly not desperate and are simply wasting it, I wouldn't get involved any further

Don't lend money. They'll just be back for more. You're not losing anything by telling them no.

Just carry on supporting your dh so say no.

Of course I wouldn't be handing money over to them. If they can afford cigarettes, weed and alcohol, then they have enough money coming in, and are choosing to set fire to it. I wouldn't be giving them a penny.

Do they have children?

I'm very against lending money within the family as it changes the relationship and can lead to more and more being asked for as if it's a right. I would give within my family but accept that many wouldn't. There's no right or wrong I think.

What I've done previously is to pay for a sibling's car tax for a birthday present. I've only done it once, it was to prevent the car being taken and crushed and they've managed since.

What I would do in your case OP is to challenge this, as a family, get it out in the open as to why these money issues keep cropping up and why is it everybody else's responsibility to sort it out? That might be enough to put it to bed and take the pressure off everybody whilst giving needy person the message that enough is enough.

Not an easy or comfortable situation; I don't envy you.

My FIL has lent money to his children at various times...he charges 8% interest. I was horrified when I first learnt of this, but it's a business agreement as far as he's concerned. Unsurprisingly, all but one has paid back every penny as quickly as they could!

You have no obligation to lend them money if you don't want to and especially if you don't think you'll get it back. If you wanted to give them a gift, you would - and you don't.

Just say no, they won’t be grateful if you give them £650, you’ll just never see it again and they’ll see you as a cash cow.

Glad your DH is on the same page.

Nope. You dont get to spend your money on luxuries when you cant afford essentials then expect someone else to pay for your essentials.

DH hasn't had anything his siblings haven't has he, his current situation is of his own making, his siblings could have done the same but didn't, their situation is of their own making.

Just keep saying no, dont defend yourself or explain. Although I'd be tempted to send them links to money advice services when they ask to help them get a hold of their finances.

Don't give them anything. They are grown ups and can sort their own shit out.

Noooo!! This makes me cringe! Keep saying no! I literally have no money haha, and my mum has lent me money to buy a new mattress, I've set up a direct debit to pay her back within 6 months. I would never expect it either, she offered. Just expecting money from family is weird. £650 is so much money too omg! I think good for you for not even caving on £20. It all adds up, plus your not even close? So weird.

Don’t even consider it

Wouldn't even consider this and just keep saying NO. That's a huge amount of money.

Giving someone I dont like 650 quid to fund their booze and weed habit.?? That would leave a sour taste. No chance.

I'd always just tell a white lie in this situation. 'So sorry, we just paid off a massive electric bill/ spent everything in the current account on DD's school trip/ blued it on a swingers website'. It doesn't matter what, but just be clear you've no funds available.

Nope I wouldn't give it if I knew it wouldn't be returned. They need to prioritise paying their bills before spending on weed/drink. People like that clearly don't know how to control their expenditure, it's not your problem if they have bills to pay. They should have the money also. Where is their money? Especially when you never see that sibling, how do they even have the nerve to ask?