Family row over lending money

[Useranon20]

I’ve name changed for this.

SIL wants to ‘borrow’ money...around £650, towards ‘household bills’.

We DO have the money, but do not want to lend it.

1. Because it certainly won’t be returned
2. We never see this sibling, we are not close
3. Like most of DH’s siblings they are regular cigarette smokers; weed smokers and drinkers and would have more money if they cut out that shit.

One issue is that MIL thinks we are mean and puts a guilt trip on DH, pretty unsuccessfully but it’s annoying.
DH and I both have good jobs and a comfortable lifestyle. The rest of DH’s family struggle. DH came from a poverty stricken background. However, we didn’t get what we have by giving away money.

Secondly, the other siblings (DH’s other brothers and sisters) have very little but still lend to their sister and each other, and they have expressed that they are pissed off that they always have to ‘lend their money’ but we never do ‘our fair share’ and to be honest, this really rubs me up the wrong way.

This is not the first time the family have asked us for money, the most we’ve been asked for is £2500; the least £20. Every time DH says no, no excuse, just no.

It’s starting to cause animosity and it all leaves a sour taste. What would you do?

@Jeremyironseverything

Did you get a response at all?

Nothing worth mentioning. Just........ “K”.

Not heard from anyone since. So, we’re just going to forget it until next time and DH will remind them what he said.

That’s good. At least they are accepting that the answer is the same as usual

i wouldn't be giving an excuse or a reason just saying sorry no. Does it bother your partner that his mother gult trips him? Because if it does I would be doing some social distancing from the family and I don't mean the covid kind.

useranon20 I have just read back. Bigups to your husband, he is a keeper.

Op I have this problem. You are very fortunate that your dh is on board with how you feel about it and agrees.

Dh’s family feel entitled to money from dh. When we were away, his adult dd stayed went to visit his mum (her grandma) for the weekend. Dh was asked to send over a few hundred pounds for them all to go clothes shopping, eat out etc. His mum can well afford to treat her grandchildren. His brother “borrowed” 60k ten years ago but that’s been forgotten. They see him as a cash cow because he has never said no.

Your dh needs to be consistent and say the same every time.

NO, NEVER

No - and ask DH to explain to Mil how offensive it is to be guilt tripped. You work hard, you are responsible, they aren’t!

I wouldn’t lend them any money. They obviously choose what they want to spend their money on. It’s not your problem and don’t let anybody else dictate to you or make you feel guilty.

I’m glad you have decided not to lend SIL money. I hope you don’t give it a second thought either.

Sounds to me that she had not exactly taken any responsibility fir her own situation and the longer family continue to bail her out the longer she will be reliant. This sounds as if it’s not just Covid related but a cycle of behaviour. If you have your hard earned money you would be part of reinforcing that cycle. I’m sure you already know this. Your husbands letter was perfect. Don’t rise to any insults or rudeness or worry about being called ‘mean’. This doesn’t make you mean. You are already doing enough looking after your own family so others don’t have to look after you or taking responsibility for your own finances. Cigarettes are £12.50 a pack. Booze is pretty expensive. No idea about weed. But assume it’s not free! I just don’t believe in finding someone to support that kind of lifestyle. So don’t feel guilty or feel obliged to the mother. The other siblings can also make their own decisions as to whether to pay out or not. It has nothing to do with you.

Say no. And you'll see the reaction your have got having to ask for it back.

@CaptainSirTomMooreismyhero

I would tell SIL straight: We are not going to lend or give you any of our hard-earned money. Please do not ask again because we won't be changing our minds.

I would tell MIL straight:
We are not going to lend or give SIL money and we don't want to hear another word about it from you.

I would tell other siblings:
Butt out. We chose how to spend our money. You choose how to spend yours. End of discussion.

An excellent way forward.

No.... purely for the fact they are weed smokers etc... they shouldnt be buying things like that when they can't affoed to pay their household bills. Id be annoyed if i was told i never do my "fair share" its nobody elses business who i want to lend or not lend money too and they shouldnt be guilt tripping you. And if they are, let them!! It's not your issue - they are in the wrong... like you say, you work hard for.your money

The last time this happened, I asked the relative to fax me (tells you how long ago it was !) the bill and I would pay it.

There was no bill. They'd run out of cash because they'd spent it on booze and fags.

I just would carry on and say no, if they get shitty with you say that you have your own bills to pay and also you would never see the money again.

If MIL is so sympathetic then perhaps she should dig deep in her own pocket and help them out.

Keep saying no and get on with your own life.

Tell them to send you the bills to pay directly or just say no. But I think I would just stick to your guns.

The last time this happened, I asked the relative to fax me (tells you how long ago it was !) the bill and I would pay it.

There was no bill. They'd run out of cash because they'd spent it on booze and fags.

But that depends on how cunning they are, though - and if you make a habit of doing that. All they need to do is plan ahead to deliberately not pay a legitimate bill and spend the money for it on something else instead, so they can then quite easily present you with their electricity bill. Unless you catch them on the hop and/or they're very dim, you'll still end up giving them cash for weed, fags or booze, albeit in a slightly roundabout way.

Just tell them 'sorry, I do not have that amount of expendable cash' and leave it at that - if they push it I would point out that your financial affairs are private.

Nope don’t do it. I come from one of those families where not working and claiming is something to brag about. I’ve fought my way out, always worked and am now comfortable and happy and away from that toxicity. I’ve gone no contact with the whole family but proper to that I was constantly being asked to lend money. They assumed that because I worked more than full time, privately rented and drove a nice car I must be rolling in it. In actual fact I budget and prioritise and every single Penny is accounted for. To start with I did ‘lend’ and just have in small doses lent around 3k over just a few years. Never saw a penny of it back and they slagged me off rotten about how I was rich but stingy and mean. No regrets about cutting contact. Don’t do it, it’s only you that will end up feeling shit and if they are guilt tripping and complaining then that is their problem.

*prior to that

*must have in small doses

Speed typing!

There's a saying here in the USA, that may well have originated there (God knows half or more of what we say or do did), "Don't throw good money after bad." Keep saying "NO!" firmly. DO suggest financial planning sites, with easy-to-follow budget plans. And tell MIL...well. Never mind that. She'll never understand.

I have never had a good relationship with my sis. As kids my parents made it quite clear that she was the preferred child. She used to whinge and snitch and get me into trouble. Her word was always taken and I got many a beating on her account. I was there just to earn money to put nice dresses on her back. Later when I had my own place and was qualified in a profession she had the cheek to ask me to lend her money for a deposit on a house. It was one of those dodgy adverts you used to see on the back pages of magazines for "houses only £100 down". I dont even know if it was a genuine offer. I just point blank refused and told her all my money was fully committed. I later found out that my father had refused for the same reason that he suspected there was something shady about the ad.

That’s their only luxury. That and having family to bail them out. I think you’ve answered your own question. It’s a bottomless pit. I wouldn’t dream of asking my family for money even my mother. They shouldn’t think it’s ok. My dad ‘borrowed’ money from friends and family. It caused bad feelings and was very embarrassing for my mother. It’s wrong boundaries and just a bad idea.

Do you brag a lot to them about money?

How and why do they know you have money?

I’d tell them once for all that you have very little spare money left at the end of each month and that is fully committed to a regular savings plan. It’s a contract you signed and you can’t back out unfortunately.