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Original poster

Family row over lending money

199 replies

Useranon20 · 04/02/2021 22:22

I’ve name changed for this.

SIL wants to ‘borrow’ money...around £650, towards ‘household bills’.

We DO have the money, but do not want to lend it.

  1. Because it certainly won’t be returned
  2. We never see this sibling, we are not close
  3. Like most of DH’s siblings they are regular cigarette smokers; weed smokers and drinkers and would have more money if they cut out that shit.

One issue is that MIL thinks we are mean and puts a guilt trip on DH, pretty unsuccessfully but it’s annoying.
DH and I both have good jobs and a comfortable lifestyle. The rest of DH’s family struggle. DH came from a poverty stricken background. However, we didn’t get what we have by giving away money.

Secondly, the other siblings (DH’s other brothers and sisters) have very little but still lend to their sister and each other, and they have expressed that they are pissed off that they always have to ‘lend their money’ but we never do ‘our fair share’ and to be honest, this really rubs me up the wrong way.

This is not the first time the family have asked us for money, the most we’ve been asked for is £2500; the least £20. Every time DH says no, no excuse, just no.

It’s starting to cause animosity and it all leaves a sour taste. What would you do?

OP posts:
diamondsr4u · 04/02/2021 23:01

And especially people like that wouldn't even be grateful for the money, they seem to think it's their right!

Howshouldibehave · 04/02/2021 23:02

That is just so cheeky-how did she even ask you!? Was it a text??

CaptainSirTomMooreismyhero · 04/02/2021 23:02

I would tell SIL straight:
We are not going to lend or give you any of our hard-earned money. Please do not ask again because we won't be changing our minds.

I would tell MIL straight:
We are not going to lend or give SIL money and we don't want to hear another word about it from you.

I would tell other siblings:
Butt out. We chose how to spend our money. You choose how to spend yours. End of discussion.

MzHz · 04/02/2021 23:06

^ this.

In spades

blueleonburger · 04/02/2021 23:06

Maybe it’s a cultural thing (I’m African), I don’t know. But I give money to my relatives regularly if needed. I did well in life and they didn’t. They are family. Sometimes they repay it. Sometimes they don’t. I give but don’t expect back. At the end of the day, when you’re dying on your death bed, is this how you want your legacy to go? You could pay their bills directly and make it known this is a one off and that’s it.

MzHz · 04/02/2021 23:09

It’s starting to cause animosity and it all leaves a sour taste. What would you do?

LET it cause animosity
They’re in the wrong here. You’re not going to be bullied into bailing them out when there’s not a chance in hell you’ll ever see a repayment or that they will ever cut their cloth accordingly

No. Means no. You and h have discussed it as nauseum and you’re not budging. How his family want to waste their money in bailing out the feckless wonders is up to them.

Don’t let these people guilt you.

ktp100 · 04/02/2021 23:09

I think your DH just needs to say 'You know what the answer is going to be so don't bother asking me again. If you do, I'll ignore it'.

If he doesn't shut it down this will carry on forever.

They clearly see him as a cash cow and resent the fact that you have more money than them but that's not you're problem.

I think it's great that your DH is happy to just say no. I see way too many posts on here where the husbands are just used and give, give, give until it starts to cause issues in their own marriages.

MzHz · 04/02/2021 23:10

@blueleonburger

Maybe it’s a cultural thing (I’m African), I don’t know. But I give money to my relatives regularly if needed. I did well in life and they didn’t. They are family. Sometimes they repay it. Sometimes they don’t. I give but don’t expect back. At the end of the day, when you’re dying on your death bed, is this how you want your legacy to go? You could pay their bills directly and make it known this is a one off and that’s it.
Cos it’s not about the bills, you know this, and it wouldn’t be a one off.
Jurysinnoutinout · 04/02/2021 23:10

Oh I get this, my IL’s expect us to do ‘our share’ and ‘share’ and try and guilt us by saying they do - when in reality it’s never specific what they do (or it’s a piece of tat) or even worse, turned out that they didn’t do such monetary ‘sharing’ when the chance came up (tho of course that didn’t change our obligations supposedly).

Tell them to jog on.

Greenevalley · 04/02/2021 23:11

The fact that your sil regularly asks for money means she does not try to sort out her finances.
If you lend it this time she’ll ask again.

No. You will not lend money to someone who spends £25 a day, at least, on fags and weed.

pigmoon · 04/02/2021 23:13

No I wouldn't give it to them either like the pp have stated. I will only lend it if they are made redundant, if they need it for a mortgage or something expensive and going to the bank would mean paying more interest or if they are trustworthy and I know they will pay back for something that is a matter of life or death.

How do they know that you have that much money? Is it because of your jobs? I always tell cf relatives that we pay high on mortgage or we've taken a loan out for a car or we have loads of direct debits coming out sorry.

Chambored · 04/02/2021 23:14

@CaptainSirTomMooreismyhero

I would tell SIL straight: We are not going to lend or give you any of our hard-earned money. Please do not ask again because we won't be changing our minds.

I would tell MIL straight:
We are not going to lend or give SIL money and we don't want to hear another word about it from you.

I would tell other siblings:
Butt out. We chose how to spend our money. You choose how to spend yours. End of discussion.

Perfect answers 👍🏻👍🏻
Bananalanacake · 04/02/2021 23:18

No, we are saving up for a round the world cruise when covid is over so we need our own money for that.

areyoumeop · 04/02/2021 23:26

as my username suggests, we seem to have parallel lives, we are probably the lowest earners in our families but tend to save and invest, family think we are minted and get asked frequently to 'lend'. Never going to happen, especially after a few years ago when DB and SIL went on a 2week sandals holiday , MIL watching kids, followed by Florida Disney in same year , then asked for money to help with Xmas presents. We had no holiday that year.
Absolutely tell them NO , loudly and repeatedly

WhistleStopCafeCook · 04/02/2021 23:26

I know of people like this. They feel hard done by and have decided that they are entitled to your money and your hard work because life is unfair to them. If you give in once they'll just keep coming back for more.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing (I’m African), I don’t know. But I give money to my relatives regularly if needed. I did well in life and they didn’t. They are family. Sometimes they repay it. Sometimes they don’t. I give but don’t expect back. At the end of the day, when you’re dying on your death bed, is this how you want your legacy to go? You could pay their bills directly and make it known this is a one off and that’s it.

Family to me is a unit based on love and mutual respect. With family like the OP's, they clearly don't respect them and see them as cash cows whose money they are entitled to. What kind of family is that?

Original poster
Useranon20 · 04/02/2021 23:40

Thank you everyone. You’ve strengthened my resolve.

They think we have money because we have just bought a new house, have nice vehicles, nice holidays etc but we work sooooo hard for what we have. We’ve never been given anything.

SIL is in her late forties, I’d probably be more inclined to help a bit if she was 18 or something.

I’ve given my own sister money, when her husband left her with a three year old and a shed load of debt. I gave her money and didn’t bat an eyelid. She was so very grateful and has never asked for money since. She offered to pay it back in bits, but I knew she needed it more. I don’t mind helping people when I don’t feel they’re taking the proverbial.

But thank you all again!

OP posts:
Chloemol · 04/02/2021 23:43

Say no, and tell them

  1. We don’t earn lots of money, but what we do is spend it wisely
  2. We don’t earn our money to support siblings, parents etc who can’t be bothered to budget
3 you are happy to sit down with them and go through their budget to help find ways they can cut down on things to save, allow them to pay their price bills etc 4 if you know how much they smoke a day, then say you spend £30 per day on cigarettes, that’s £210 per week. If they gave up for three weeks they would have the money they need

And then just keep saying no

shiningstar2 · 04/02/2021 23:46

Parents can be very strange. They still sometimes see the family as still their dependant children. They can't get their heads around the fact that it doesn't matter how much they treat their kids 'all the same, all equally' as children, that adult life doesn't work like that. There are always going to be some who do better than others, but that doesn't mean that there is a family sibling pot which can be redistributed 'equally'. Also they are not really equal in their judgements themselves. There are always some ...or one... of their children whose interests they think are more important than others.

The important thing to remember is that you are free to make your choices, just as MIL has made hers. Sil chooses to spend her money on stuff that you wouldn't and which makes it difficult for her to pay her bills. Her choice.
You must make your own choices with your money and it's good that your dh is on side. The problem with lending money to people who have any kind of addiction, be it drink, drugs or shopping, is that addiction will always be more important than paying you back. If you can cope with that and want to spend your own resources ...go for it.
Personally I wouldn't.
Don't be drawn into making judgements about how they spend their money op. Just make sure that that is their choices and their consequences. Then get on with making your own choices with your hard earned money. Flowers

AnnieHawk · 04/02/2021 23:46

@blueleonberger if I have learned anything in life it's this - if you feed a crocodile it'll keep coming back.

MichelleScarn · 04/02/2021 23:50

[quote AnnieHawk]@blueleonberger if I have learned anything in life it's this - if you feed a crocodile it'll keep coming back.
[/quote]
Ohh I like this Annie!

Kitkat151 · 05/02/2021 00:02

@blueleonburger

Maybe it’s a cultural thing (I’m African), I don’t know. But I give money to my relatives regularly if needed. I did well in life and they didn’t. They are family. Sometimes they repay it. Sometimes they don’t. I give but don’t expect back. At the end of the day, when you’re dying on your death bed, is this how you want your legacy to go? You could pay their bills directly and make it known this is a one off and that’s it.
It’s not about doing well or not doing well it’s about how they are choosing to spend their money.....if the OP family can afford to smoke cigarettes and cannabis and drink alcohol then they can afford to pay their bills..... you must have money to burn if you would pay this
Kitkat151 · 05/02/2021 00:03

[quote AnnieHawk]@blueleonberger if I have learned anything in life it's this - if you feed a crocodile it'll keep coming back.
[/quote]
I love this saying !

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 05/02/2021 00:07

I’ve just looked up the price of cigarettes. £13.35 for 20 Silk Cut!

Blood hell. At 60 a day they could save £650 in 16 days!

RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 00:09

@Useranon20

I really don’t want to pay it though. I just think perhaps instead of 60 a day, they could be spending that money on their bills.
It doesn't sound like you like these people very much, OP.
BluebellsGreenbells · 05/02/2021 00:10

that they are pissed off that they always have to ‘lend their money’ but we never do ‘our fair share’

Well I’d just say great! Can we borrow £200 then?