Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher's comment to DC

329 replies

Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:27

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 03/02/2021 21:32

I think the 6 year old didn’t mean to be rude, but it is a rude question (by adult standards), and since we are trying to teach young people what is and isn’t okay, it was fine for the teacher to correct him.

AStudyinPink · 03/02/2021 21:33

And no, I don’t think explaining why is necessary or helpful at 6.

Original poster
Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:34

So just tell him off and not explain why? Really?

OP posts:
GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly · 03/02/2021 21:34

It’s not necessarily rude but it can be a delicate subject. Some of the children I know attending school at the moment are there due to parental bereavement. So maybe discussing how and why family set ups are different is a conversation that you can lead best with your DC.

user686233 · 03/02/2021 21:34

It wasn't rude. Teacher over reacted.

Baublebox · 03/02/2021 21:35

I can only imagine that there is a bit very nice reason that this child doesn't love with their dad and that the teacher was trying to avoid them having to think/talk about it.

It is rude by adult standards but this isn't usually how I would put it across to a child. Maybe she panicked.

Baublebox · 03/02/2021 21:36

Not

AStudyinPink · 03/02/2021 21:37

So just tell him off and not explain why? Really?

Yes. A 6 year old doesn’t need to hear, “Because it might be that the dad was battering the mum” or “the mum might have been having it off with her German tutor”.

“It’s a very personal question” is probably as much as needs to be said.

PerfectPenquins · 03/02/2021 21:37

I think it is rude but then kids often dont think. The teacher could have been nicer about saying we dont ask those questions or something like that.? Its difficult though because it can be an emotional answer for the child. My daughter is 6 she would be fine saying her dad is in heaven or more bluntly as she has done that he is dead. Her older sister would be in tears being asked. Its tricky.

Original poster
Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:37

He obviously has asked me why it was rude and I struggled to answer to be honest. I dont think it is a rude question for a child to ask. I told him his friend may feel sad that he doesn’t live with his dad and that may be why the teacher said it is a rude question but other than that I didnt know what to say as I dont agree with the teacher

OP posts:
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 03/02/2021 21:38

I see both sides.

This teacher may know more about the child in question than you, he may have escaped an abusive household, his parents may be recently split up or he may find it hard talking about.

To you and your son it’s just a question, to him it may mean a lot more.

Then again, there’s better ways to explain it to a six year old. It does need explaining why we don’t ask certain questions but that’s nothing you can’t do at home.

AStudyinPink · 03/02/2021 21:38

Because it’s none of his business and the answer might well be a sensitive subject.

iusedtohavechickens · 03/02/2021 21:38

Children in care are also attending school so maybe she was trying to protect the other LO at having to tell your child he's in care? X

PrincessOfAllOurTarts · 03/02/2021 21:39

The teacher probably knows what the child doesn't live with his dad and therefore might have been trying to protect the child from having to explain why.

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/02/2021 21:40

I don't think it's necessarily rude, but maybe there was a reason the teacher felt awkward - perhaps a recent break up or the dad is in prison or similar.
Also presumably you weren't there so there could have been something about the context e.g. other child unwilling to answer and your child asked a second time?

MistleTOEboughski · 03/02/2021 21:41

Perhaps rude is the wrong word but we should teach children not to ask questions that might make people uncomfortable.

PhillipPhillop · 03/02/2021 21:41

Who heard the conversation and can definitely say this was the tone and words used?

Original poster
Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:41

Ok I know that this child gets dropped to school by his dad regularly so seemingly he does spend time with his dad but I accept the teacher probably knows more than I do about his set up and was trying to protect him. I still think she handled it badly by not explaining why it was rude. Tell him later when the other boy wasn't within ear shot so he understood? He is 6 and doesn't know the ins and outs of adult relationships

OP posts:
Rupertbeartrousers · 03/02/2021 21:42

He’s 6, they haven’t been coached in tact yet.

Like PP said maybe teacher knows more about situation, I think you answered well, I think kids understand “kind” more than “rude” which can be a fairly nebulous adult concept (unless he said poo poo head or something)

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2021 21:43

He wasn't scolded though was he?

He was told not to ask something because it's rude.

I told him his friend may feel sad that he doesn’t live with his dad and that may be why the teacher said it is a rude question

And that was a good answer ^^

NailsNeedDoing · 03/02/2021 21:43

As adults, many people would find that sort of intrusive question rude, so the teacher wasn’t wrong for what she said to your son.

She probably has more knowledge than you of how the other child was likely to react and what his home situation is and whether he might be unsettled by the question, and his feelings were the priority at that point.

You gave your child a perfectly good answer as to why some people might find it rude, because it might make the other boy feel sad is the truth in an age appropriate way. Surely you don’t want to teach your child that he can go around asking anything he fancies regardless of whether it might affect someone else’s feelings?

Ohalrightthen · 03/02/2021 21:43

@Imgonnadance

He obviously has asked me why it was rude and I struggled to answer to be honest. I dont think it is a rude question for a child to ask. I told him his friend may feel sad that he doesn’t live with his dad and that may be why the teacher said it is a rude question but other than that I didnt know what to say as I dont agree with the teacher
The answer is "because it's none of your business. Lots of people have different family set ups - don't be nosy!"

The teacher has context you don't, rest assured! More than likely she's trying to protect the other child from an upsetting conversation.

Hidethecrisps · 03/02/2021 21:44

Perhaps the teacher knows some background and maybe it is a sensitive subject for the little boy? I don't think it is a rude question but it also depends how it was phrased and if it was said in a genuine way or a way which could be considered hurtful. But agree that yes the teacher should have taken the chance to explain that there are lots of different types of families, some live together some in different houses, some live with grandparents, some have siblings, some don't etc etc. Badly handled but probably just taken off guard. I teach nursery myself and if this happened I'd probably do a little circle time to help them understand different family set ups.

WayTooSoon · 03/02/2021 21:48

It isn't a rude question. It is a normal question for a child or for an adult tbh. In fact, my DS had to take a family photo to school to discuss who was in his family because the school were highlighting that families come in all varieties.

No idea whether it's true or not, but I vaguely remember reading once that single parent households were the biggest proportion of families in the uk now, so the teacher is being really weird about something that is pretty standard.

Dahlietta · 03/02/2021 21:48

Your child didn't do anything wrong in asking, but I would imagine the teacher panicked a bit, worrying about how the child would react. Teachers don't always get everything spot on.