Teacher's comment to DC

[Imgonnadance]

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

@AStudyinPink

...to stop a child asking an innocent question of his school mate sounds unhealthily defensive and a bit precious to me. We shouldn’t stomp on children’s natural curiosity - even around awkward questions. That’s how they learn empathy.

No, learning that something isn’t their business because it might hurt someone for them to bring it up is how they learn empathy. Indulging their curiosity to the point that is painful to someone else is how they learn entitlement.

That isn't what the child is learning, though. He hasn't learnt that asking the question might hurt his schoolmates feelings. He's simply learnt that it's taboo to ask. Which makes it appear, to both boys, that not living with one's father is itself a bit problematic and not something that you talk about in polite society.

Yes, it is rude. The teacher also may not have had time for a one to one private session with your child to explain the various reasons why.

@Imgonnadance

Hi Op
You could even explore on the internet child age appropriate story books your son could relate to,
on different families set ups etc.😕

I think children are far perceptive emotionally sometimes than Adults give credit for ,as long as its explained in a sensitive age appropiate way ,suitable for their age group.

Not rude in any way. Teacher could easily have used it as a way to discuss that all families are different and that there are sensitivities in these questions.

@Wenolikeexplodeythings

You're not getting it. At your son's age, he should already know that there are single parent families, and co-parent but separated families or grandparent families, or group home backgrounds.

He should not need to ask. That's all there is to it.

He should already know that these families exist, they are normal, they are not a curiosity or something to ask about. They are just normal. He doesnt need to ask his friend. Has his friend ever felt the need to ask, "Why are your parents in the same house?" He wouldn't because it is normal, just like separated parents are normal and your son should not even need to ask.

Do you understand now?

This!

My child is 5 and her friend asked at a party in front of everyone why her dad didn’t live with us. No-one was offended

As a single parent I agree with the OP. My daughter is constantly asked where her Dad is by kids way older than 6, who are very aware of diverse families. If a teacher were to tell one of them off it would make it awkward. She’s perfectly well equipped to answer these questions and she’s 4. I’d be annoyed with the teacher too.

That isn't what the child is learning, though. He hasn't learnt that asking the question might hurt his schoolmates feelings. He's simply learnt that it's taboo to ask. Which makes it appear, to both boys, that not living with one's father is itself a bit problematic and not something that you talk about in polite society.

This!

That's awful. It is obviously not rude from a six year olds perspective! She should have taken the opportunity to explain how families are different etc. No need to slap him down like that.

The teacher should have just stepped in and said that some children only live with one parent and moved the conversation on. I agree that it's not a rude question. Children are unlikely to understand the word 'rude' in that context anyway. She could have explained that some people also don't know why or don't always want to talk about it. She could have explained it as a sensitive question rather than rude.

I think she could have taken the old 'we're all different and that's fine' approach rather than telling him it's rude.

It's not the same, but my DD has two mums and a lot of children at her nursery ask why she doesn't have a dad, and on one occasion one of the nursery workers did tell the other child it wasn't polite to ask. And my DD was really upset because she perceived (rightly) that the implication was that there was something shameful or embarrassing in not having a 'normal' family set-up.

It's a really fine line between protecting a child from intrusive questions/feeling they've been singled out, and making that child feel as if their home life is something taboo that can't be discussed.

Teacher could easily have used it as a way to discuss that all families are different and that there are sensitivities in these questions.

But that potentially does cause further embarrassment to the other child. If someone asks a personal/uncommon question of you that you don’t want to answer, you certainly wouldn’t welcome a wider discussion of why you don’t want to answer it. You just want the subject dropped. You just wish that the question hadn’t been asked. By the sound of it, the other child was there too.

Op I don’t think your dc was rude, he was just being 6.
To be rude you have to understand that some questions may upset the person you’re asking. Very few 6 year olds would realise that.
Tactfulness is only just emerging in 6 to 8 year olds.
The pp’s on here are asking a dc to behave above his years.

I think the teacher just shut the conversation down with the first thing she could think of.
But your explanation was good.

Agree with @Wenolikeexplodeythings. I also think that ‘because it’s non of your business’ is a perfectly good reason. Also aware that the chinks that are used to bully children later in school are the things like this that are found out when they are younger and haven’t developed the social skills to ward off unwanted questions, so the teacher was protecting the child whether or not you see it or agree.

You’ve heard one side of the story from a six year old. He may have felt she scolded him but we don’t know about the interaction from the perspective of the teacher do we?

OP you are making a mountain out of a molehill.
You have explained to your child why his question may upset others, now move on.

6! Surely to god you just say sometimes peoples families are different. Children ask questions which is how they learn, and if a child is from a family where both parents live together it is completely normal for them to wonder why everyone doesn't live like that. In my DD's school there is only one single parent in the whole school so the other children would think it odd that they don't live together. Teacher handled that badly in my opinion.

Some of the kids on dd live lessons have asked some questionable things, I swear he’s got the patience of a saint. He handled it very well.

My kids dad picks them up from school regularly but he doesn’t live with us because he’s an addict who stole from my DD (then 7). Sometimes my DC’s like to talk about their dad and sometimes they get upset about him. Asking why he doesn’t live with us would be really awkward for them and potentially upsetting. Sorry the teacher spoke sharply to your son, he wasn’t to know but some families are complicated and that was potentially an unfortunate question.

@Billi77

Not every child is able or willing to answer that question, and they should not be put in that position due to the ignorance of others. Not in this time, when all different families are normal. A single parent household is not a curiosity and children have the emotional intelligence to understand that. They shouldnt be asking, because there is nothing unusual to ask about and everyone should be teaching their children that.

The other side of that is obviously that since these families are normal, the child from them should easily be able to explain it as there is nothing to be ashamed of. But there is a difference between feeling ashamed or embarrassed so not wanting to be asked and feeling upset, heartbroken, realy struggling with the emotional impact of bot having a dad/mum so they actually cannot talk about it without crying.

There is no need for a child to be put into the position of crying about missing a parent because another child doesnt understand that single parents are normal and nothing to ask about.

@Stroppyshite

That's awful. It is obviously not rude from a six year olds perspective! She should have taken the opportunity to explain how families are different etc. No need to slap him down like that.

Or maybe she had some actual education to be getting in with?

It’s not up to the young child or teacher to explain to your child why someone’s parents aren’t together. It’s a very sensitive question and the teacher simply helped your child to understand that they shouldn’t ask questions on this sensitive topic. What did you expect? The teacher to explain why another child’s parents aren’t together? The teacher probably knows why and is looking after this child’s well-being.

Yes rude but a 6 year old isn't to know. The dad may be dead or absent. I know my child was hurt by questions like that. Tell your child all families are different some have 2 mums or dads and some have none.

He came home and asked you. No damage done by her setting boundaries in her classroom. Your perfectly able to say “I don’t think it’s rude but some people might. There are many reasons a child might live with one, both or no parents at all. That can be hard for kids to have different situations from what might be seen as normal.”

There’s no need to judge the teacher for managing this the way she sees fit while your child is in her care. You can explain your own opinion when he is with you.

Imagine how the other child felt!!