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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher's comment to DC

329 replies

Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:27

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 03/02/2021 21:48

I think "don't be nosy" is a reasonable answer to be honest...we don't always get to find out everything we want to about other people, because sometimes things are private or the other person may feel sad. That's accurate and hopefully a 6 year old will understand.

lockedownloretta · 03/02/2021 21:48

I'm surprised your child thought to ask the question tbh.
Mist if the kids i work with don't live with their dad, it is nothing out of the ordinary at all.

Maybe have a conversation with your son about different kinds of families and households?

Original poster
Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:48

I'm not saying that I think it is ok to ask but I think the teacher should have explained it to him, not just told him it was rude. And I think saying it's none of your business is as unhelpful as telling him its rude with no reason why.

OP posts:
Minnie6078 · 03/02/2021 21:49

Not rude at all children are inquisitive my DD asked DH why she couldn't have a stepdad the other day haha

traveller11 · 03/02/2021 21:51

I don't think it is rude.

DD's dad has never been in the picture. A few of her friends have asked before if she has a dad. DD4 just says she doesn't have one.

Same for DSC (10&12). They now live with us and kids have asked why they're not with their mum anymore. They just answer it in an appropriate way which they know (they don't know their mum was actually abusive, just that daddy looks after them better).

ShemShem · 03/02/2021 21:51

Well it is rude

The teacher did explain why he was told off, because he asked a rude question

AStudyinPink · 03/02/2021 21:51

And I think saying it's none of your business is as unhelpful as telling him its rude with no reason why.

Why it’s none of his business? Confused

It just... isn’t. What explanation is needed, other than “some things aren’t anything to do with us”?

blue25 · 03/02/2021 21:54

You’re being way too sensitive. The teacher probably had good reason to nip that conversation in the bud.

MistleTOEboughski · 03/02/2021 21:54

because sometimes things are private or the other person may feel sad
That's a good explanation for a six year old I think.

Original poster
Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:55

@lockedownloretta there are only a handful of children in his class who's parents aren't together so he's not really ever thought about it but I agree I should speak to him about different family set ups. I also think the school should talk to them all about it rather than tell them it's rude to

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 03/02/2021 21:56

@Imgonnadance

I'm not saying that I think it is ok to ask but I think the teacher should have explained it to him, not just told him it was rude. And I think saying it's none of your business is as unhelpful as telling him its rude with no reason why.
But it IS rude! Asking probing questions about other people's (possibly sensitive) personal situations isn't socially acceptable. It isn't anything to do with him!

It's not nice to find out that you've done something rude without meaning to, and it's not a pleasant feeling to be told off. But that doesn't mean it shouldn't happen. Sympathise with your son, reassure him that you know he didn't mean to be rude, but reinforce the message that some things aren't anything to do with him, and stop undermining the teacher.

Original poster
Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:58

How am I undermining the teacher? They are people too and don't always deal with things the right way.

OP posts:
Wenolikeexplodeythings · 03/02/2021 21:59

I'm really confused. Have you never chatted to your child about different families? Never explained that some families have one mum, or one dad, or two mums or two dads or a mum and a dad but they dont live together.
I talked to my kids about that when they were in nursery. We read a range of books which show all familiar structures so they understand it.

They also know that it is rude to ask personal questions, simply because it is not their business. Six year olds understand that there are things you dont go up to people and say.

ParadiseIsland · 03/02/2021 22:03

I would have struggled to explain why this was rude.

I could have understood a discussion on how this could upset the other person (eg because they would prefer their dad to be at home).

The no explanation at all and just telling off is an issue
1- because it basically says to the other child it’s something not to talk about/to be ashamed off
2- because the ds still has no clue what he did wrong

PrincessOfAllOurTarts · 03/02/2021 22:03

He obviously has asked me why it was rude and I struggled to answer to be honest. I dont think it is a rude question for a child to ask.

It seems to me as you think it wasn't a rude question you are unhappy with the teacher. Not because you think she should have explained why it's rude.

You feel like she told your son off for something that wasn't rude.

AStudyinPink · 03/02/2021 22:03

They are people too and don't always deal with things the right way.

But she did. It’s you who isn’t dealing with this in quite the right way. Your son knows (now) not to ask people for explanations of their close family set-up at school. Because that’s rude.

alwosjshaja · 03/02/2021 22:04

Due to very serious DV we have recently had a new child start at our school. Serious to the point that one of the parents isn't allowed to know the location of the family. We have children who attend who are in foster care and some who live with other relatives that aren't their parents. There are loads of reasons why a teacher may need to shut a conversation like this down quickly and saying 'it's rude' is a quick and easy explanation which doesn't put the child who is being asked in an awkward situation. It may not have even been said because of the child who was asked but more to put a stop to the conversation in general which may have been difficult for another child in the room that you aren't aware of. To launch into a detailed explanation of different family sets ups and problems may not be appropriate.

Original poster
Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 22:04

I'm afraid I have obviously failed in that department Wenolikeexplodeythings. He is aware that some parents are separated and has been for a long time but I've never said to him you must never ask what people's circumstances are because I think out of the blue that would be odd

OP posts:
ParadiseIsland · 03/02/2021 22:04

Why is it not their business? Friends always ask each other personnal questions.
So why can’t two 6yo friends do so too?

ilovesooty · 03/02/2021 22:05

The teacher told him that he shouldn't ask the question. I don't think she's under any obligation to give reasons why and it might not have been appropriate if the other child was still present . She was probably anxious to prevent any further questioning and you've explained it to him at home.

Wearywithteens · 03/02/2021 22:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Wenolikeexplodeythings · 03/02/2021 22:06

It sounds like you've raised your son in your little household bubble, and havent taught him or exposed him to media which shows that other people live different lives, and all of those are valid and totally normal. By 6 years old, he should have seen single parent families or same sex parent families.

An example, my son read the polar bear explorer club books around that age. The main character is a girl and her father is a single parent, who also happens to be gay. It is briefly mentioned in one line when he talks about the love he lost, and the daughter says "his name was X, wasnt it?". My kid breezed right through that; didnt question it. Wrote his wee book review and included the single parent, lost his partner info on the character, in the same way he would say that a character was married. His friend who read the book went nuts. A single dad. What?!? He loved a man. What?!?!?! The kid wouldn't shut up about it.

You cant raise your kid in a vacuum. He should know about these things by this age.

TheUndoingProject · 03/02/2021 22:06

I think it’s a rude/insensitive question and kids aren’t going to learn that if they’re never told so. Explaining why it was rude there and then might have upset or embarrassed the other child.

In your shoes I’d have backed up the teacher by explaining to my child why their question was insensitive and discussing different family set ups, rather than kicking up a fuss with the teacher.

j10111289 · 03/02/2021 22:07

Your 6 year old was just curious so absolutely did nothing wrong. The teacher did act weird but there maybe some reason she wanted to get away from the topic. Maybe the child will become upset if it’s mentioned or something. Who knows.

DD (5) is a daddy’s girl and her best friend doesn’t have a dad around and I often wonder if Dd ever wonders why her best friend doesn’t a dad arkund or I worry her best friend would become upset seeing Dd so close to her dad. (I grew up without a dad so I know what it’s like). Dd randomly told me her best friends dad died which was a surprising thing for a 5 year old to say tbh. I know he hasn’t died though, he’s just not around. So I don’t know if her friends been told that or Dd is jumping to conclusions. Either way it’s a touchy subject.

Saying that, it’s so normal for children to be raised by one parent where the other parent isn’t around.

When I was a child we always made Mother’s Day cards at school but not for Father’s Day! I didn’t have a dad but I would have made one for my grandad.

Original poster
Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 22:07

@ParadiseIsland thank you that's how I feel.

OP posts:
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