Teacher's comment to DC

[Imgonnadance]

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

@Baublebox

Not

This is ridiculous. I never lived with my dad. If someone asked me why I said because they are divorced. It would never bother me in the least.

Saying it’s rude to ask implies that there is some sort of shame in it, which there isn’t.

Op, your boy was not rude at all. The teacher could have just kindly told him not to be nosey, or something along those lines. I agree with you that she should have explained why he was rude if that's what she told him he was

I agree OP. What the teacher has taught here is that there is something shameful/rude about discussing the dad not being at home. Which could stop the lad talking about it himself. Saying, ‘families are all a bit different to each other’ would have been better. Or seeing if the other boy wanted to talk about it before jumping in. At 6, many children would not see this as an inappropriate question.

@Imgonnadance

It is your job to teach him that in an appropriate setting. It is not the teachers job to sit them all down and discuss the nuances of it at that moment in time, because it would draw more attention to the kid who was asked and you dont know the circumstances. They may be resilient and able to talk about it or they may be going through a very emotional time and not want too.

The teacher can discuss it at another time, as part of an inclusive talk, when there is no risk of anyone looking at that kid and thinking, "we're only talking about this because you wouldn't answer a question".

Sorry no idea why that quote box is there

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@Imgonnadance

It is your job to teach him that in an appropriate setting. It is not the teachers job to sit them all down and discuss the nuances of it at that moment in time, because it would draw more attention to the kid who was asked and you dont know the circumstances. They may be resilient and able to talk about it or they may be going through a very emotional time and not want too.

The teacher can discuss it at another time, as part of an inclusive talk, when there is no risk of anyone looking at that kid and thinking, "we're only talking about this because you wouldn't answer a question".[/quote]
You simply cannot preempt and teach a 6 year old about all the nuances of polite conversation. The teacher could have dealt with this in a more age appropriate way in the moment.

@Imgonnadance

Your DS wasn't rude at all! For him, it was a logical question. Probably for the other boy too.

I'm a single parent. My children are part of a still very small group of separated families. It's not the norm at all. My children have always been quite private about it.

There's no issue about it being rude tho. If someone occasionally asks, they give some sort of an answer, and we usually talk about it later.

The teacher's role here is just to deflect & move the conversation on. She didn't need to call it 'rude' or make your son feel bad. He did nothing wrong.

Your answer was a good one too.

@CatherinedeBourgh

It is not about children being ashamed. It is about a lot of children being emotionally unable to talk about it because they are hurting. And they should not need to talk about because it is totally normal and nothing to ask about, which OP should have taught her child.

The teacher over reacted and you are definitely over reacting.
Seems like a big fuss over nothing. Chose your 'school arguments' carefully, your son is just six and I guarantee there will be a few more over the coming years. Forget and let this one go - which I am sure your son and his teacher already have.

No, he wasn’t rude, and shouldn’t have been scolded. Genuine question, and she should have left them to it!

@EarringsandLipstick

A quarter of families are single parent families. It is not a very small percentage and it is perfectly normal. All children should be taught that from an early age. There isnt anything unusual in it. It isnt a curiosity.

The children in those families will have emotional responses because, although normal, it can be upsetting. There isnt any need for them to be the centre of questioning from ignorant children whose parents havent bothered to teach them what families are.

Like anything it depends what and how something was said and if there was any teasing or mockery involved.

Without context we only have a part of the picture.

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@CatherinedeBourgh

It is not about children being ashamed. It is about a lot of children being emotionally unable to talk about it because they are hurting. And they should not need to talk about because it is totally normal and nothing to ask about, which OP should have taught her child.[/quote]
But how do you square that with other children who will be hurting because they've been made to feel there's something shaming about their perfectly normal life?

You have explained why it was rude . The teacher couldn’t really explain to him in front of the boy . This would have made this a massive thing . Just leave it it’s done .

I don't think it is a rude question for a child to ask

Maybe you don't but it comes down to "Why are you different?"

@Imgonnadance

Or maybe the boy who talks about his dad and gets dropped to school by him would have been fine with the question but the teacher has her own personal feelings about the subject and reacted that way?

You really are determined to see the teacher as being at fault. I hope you didn't convey that viewpoint to your child.

@SarahAndQuack

I would assume that those kids have also been taught that family make up is not something you need to ask about because it's all normal and doesnt matter but can be hard for people, so it is rude to ask. If they've been taught about that then they wont feel ashamed when a teacher also says that it is rude to ask.

But I'm assuming that parents talk about this stuff from an early age and include it in the media they show their children. Turns out it seems to be treated as taboo and kids from a conventional 2 parent family just havent been exposed to all the differences so they thing it is odd.

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@SarahAndQuack

I would assume that those kids have also been taught that family make up is not something you need to ask about because it's all normal and doesnt matter but can be hard for people, so it is rude to ask. If they've been taught about that then they wont feel ashamed when a teacher also says that it is rude to ask.

But I'm assuming that parents talk about this stuff from an early age and include it in the media they show their children. Turns out it seems to be treated as taboo and kids from a conventional 2 parent family just havent been exposed to all the differences so they thing it is odd.[/quote]
No, I've definitely never taught my child her family situation is 'hard'.

I think teaching a child family is something not to be discussed is very wrong.

I see that in some situations, a teacher may need to step in (and maybe this was one of them).

But I don't think you should assume that children who don't have a mum and a dad will automatically prefer never to discuss their families. Little children generally do talk about family life; it's a huge part who they are, and making them feel it's 'rude' to do that is quite drastic IMO.

@cdtaylornats

I don't think it is a rude question for a child to ask

Maybe you don't but it comes down to "Why are you different?"

I think about 98% of little children's interactions are about 'why are you different,' though? Little children don't yet think 'different' automatically means 'wrong' and they're curious - you could take a group of six year olds with the most boringly stereotypical family set-ups of mum and dad and 2.4 kids, and I guarantee they'd find something to comment on.

I do agree it's a real problem if one child's innocent question reminds another child of something painful, or makes them feel at a loss to explain their home life. But I think teaching six year olds not to ask any question that boils down to asking 'why are we all different' is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

I am shocked by some of these replies. Bearing in mind the norm is for a mum and a dad why are all the parents who are single parents not teaching their children how to respond to the question where is your mum or your dad? It is not rude for a child at the age of 6 to ask questions and if you are so concerned about your child being upset at a question about their parents you should be having discussions with them about how to cope and answer awkward questions about their parents. This can not all be put on the child who just happens to live with his Mum and Dad.

@SarahAndQuack

Do you struggle with empathy? Because I find it odd that when I said that you should teach your children that family can be hard for some people, you reply that you've never taught your child that her life is hard. Why would you? But surely you've had talks about different families and that sometimes these things can upset other people because they find things hard?

And where did I say kids shouldnt talk about their families? Of course they should. They usually give a little talk on their family in primary 2 or 3. Kids love to say what they did with their mum/dad/dog/gran at the weekend or whatever. But when a child talks about all the great things they did with mum, another child should not answer their story with, "well why don't you have a dad?"

They shouldnt need to ask because they should already know that all families are normal yet different and dont need to be questioned. Engage in the story their friend has told, but dont pull them up on the difference between their family and yours.

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@EarringsandLipstick

A quarter of families are single parent families. It is not a very small percentage and it is perfectly normal. All children should be taught that from an early age. There isnt anything unusual in it. It isnt a curiosity.

The children in those families will have emotional responses because, although normal, it can be upsetting. There isnt any need for them to be the centre of questioning from ignorant children whose parents havent bothered to teach them what families are.[/quote]
This is a great answer, it’s not abnormal, and it’s not somethings that needs to be made into an issue, my child would hate to be asked that question and he really wouldn’t know how to respond. I glad the teacher was sensitive.

Think about how the child meant to respond? What did your child want to hear?
It was a rude question and the teacher was correct in asking him to not ask.

Now it’s on you to teach your child about life and different families.

@bellie710

I am shocked by some of these replies. Bearing in mind the norm is for a mum and a dad why are all the parents who are single parents not teaching their children how to respond to the question where is your mum or your dad? It is not rude for a child at the age of 6 to ask questions and if you are so concerned about your child being upset at a question about their parents you should be having discussions with them about how to cope and answer awkward questions about their parents. This can not all be put on the child who just happens to live with his Mum and Dad.

Well, they might not have had time to do it yet? I mean, I doubt your first priority if your husband walks out is to give your child a crash course in the abnormality of his situation, is it?

Some parents will have had time to prepare and some children will have never known anything different, but obviously, there are going to be children who've suddenly gone from a two-parent, mum-and-dad family to something else, and who're still in shock.

A breezy "families come in all shapes in sizes, not all children live with their dad Ben" would have sufficed. You ds's question was not rude unless it was asked in a rude and demanding or mocking tone.

As someone who is a lone parent my daughter would have been upset to be asked this as her dad is absent and she already feels abandoned and rejected by him, so someone rubbing it in would hurt, not sure how I can teacher her to not be affected by it 😑 why would I teach her how to respond to someone asking her why she doesn’t live with her dad? Luckily no one has been rude enough to ask!