Teacher's comment to DC

[Imgonnadance]

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

@bellie710

You can teach your kid all you like how to answer the question, but a rote answer doesnt remove the emotional response for a child. My son used to stand at the door banging on the glass and screaming doe his dad. We did all the things we were meant to in order to get him through those emotions, but no amount of "just say that you have a mum and dad isnt here" removed that response when he was hurting. It does not work like that.

However, if everyone just taught their kids from toddler age that all families are different, but those differences are bit strange and not something to barge in and ask about, then kids really struggling wouldn't need to deal with it.

There is no need for anyone to ask why another child doesnt have a dad because they should all know already that families come in all shapes and sizes. It isnt anything to be curious about.

*not strange, not bit strange

I see both sides- but explaining why is your responsibility- not the teachers. As someone said. Would you be happy with the teacher e plain if to your son that this happens because sometimes people cheat on/ batter/ rape their spouses? It's not an appropriate question to ask- and it's a chance fir you to explain not everyone has the same set up for many different reasons.

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@SarahAndQuack

Do you struggle with empathy? Because I find it odd that when I said that you should teach your children that family can be hard for some people, you reply that you've never taught your child that her life is hard. Why would you? But surely you've had talks about different families and that sometimes these things can upset other people because they find things hard?

And where did I say kids shouldnt talk about their families? Of course they should. They usually give a little talk on their family in primary 2 or 3. Kids love to say what they did with their mum/dad/dog/gran at the weekend or whatever. But when a child talks about all the great things they did with mum, another child should not answer their story with, "well why don't you have a dad?"

They shouldnt need to ask because they should already know that all families are normal yet different and dont need to be questioned. Engage in the story their friend has told, but dont pull them up on the difference between their family and yours.[/quote]
I hope I don't struggle with empathy and I'm really sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying.

I took you to be saying that if one child asks 'why don't you have a dad,' that child should be taught that it's a bad question, because a child who doesn't have a dad has a hard life. That's why I said no, I don't teach my daughter her life is hard. Nor do I want other children to feel her life is so taboo it can't be discussed. That would be hurtful to her. She has nothing to be ashamed of.

Obviously, some atypical family situations are painful. If a child's dad has just left, the last thing that child needs to hear is 'why isn't your dad there?'

But that doesn't mean asking perfectly natural questions is rude. IME even really little children (my DD is younger than six) are quite able to understand what 'don't pull them up on the difference between their family and yours' really means. It means 'don't let this poor unfortunate child realise they are lesser'. No one wants to think they're lesser.

Yeah she didn't handle it particularly well.

Can you just file this under life is making us all a bit tetchy? I mean, it doesn't really matter does it?

I think it depends and it is not a question I would encourage my DC to ask. My DC understand that their df doesn't live here and that DP is not their df. Ds2 would be fine with this and effectively sees both DP and exdh as father figures. Ds1 is going through a stage where he is quite sensitive about it and would be very upset with the question. Ds1 has extra needs (currently in the process of completing asd diagnosis) and the teacher knows this. She knows how often we have meltdowns and what can trigger it. I can absolutely see her stepping in in this.

Noone outside of those people would see this though. While exdh doesnt attend the school in anyway he is very much in ds life. He sees them regularly and they are close. Ds1 definitely talks about him at school. So it may not seem a touchy subject to another parent or child but it absolutely is. The teacher is brilliant and will warn me about meltdown triggers if she is aware of them. She is privy to the fact an innocent comment can genuinely cause several nights of meltdowns and impact on all of us. In one case a five nights at Freddie's backpack caused 2 weeks of interrupted sleep. Not the other childs fault at all. Not the other parents fault. But I could see ds1 teacher , who is wonderful but can come across a little brusque stepping in like this over a question like that.

To be honest I'm often astounded when children of this age or thereabouts ask such questions. Of course it's rude. Children who are older also seem to not be taught not to comment on other people appearance...it's BASIC!

Don't pry...don't ask questions about people's personal lives unless they start the conversation.

Basic.

@Minnie6078

Not rude at all children are inquisitive my DD asked DH why she couldn't have a stepdad the other day haha

They are indeed inquisitive, years and years ago queuing at the bank we were behind a West Indian soldier with his sleeves rolled up. My daughter, about 4, stroked his arm and said You're very brown, you must sunbathe a lot! Luckily he saw the funny side but in today's world she'd probably be on a register of some sort.

@SarahAndQuack

Different doesnt mean lesser. Someone feeling sad because their parent's have divorced doesnt make them less than their friends, it just means they hurt for a little while and it isnt fair to ask questions in a classroom which may remind them how sad they feel. It isnt difficult to teach children that.

My youngest was 6 weeks old when his dad left. He never felt sad. He never went through what his brother did. I had to teach him all that so he didnt put his foot in his mouth with his friends going through family separation, but he understood.

One thing we went through which was maybe unusual was their dad turning up after 6 years, and expecting back in their lives. Really screwed their friend's minds up with that awkwardness. That was hard to navigate because kids just wouldn't bloody stop asking for all the details on how they had a dad now etc. My kids were struggling enough, they didn't need to be bombarded with questions, but I sorr of understood because it was so unusual. I do not understand the "why dont you have a dad" crew. Surely parents have told their kids about all the different families. They should already know that people dont have dads/mums/whatevers.

I don't think the word Rude should have been used.
My daughter called some one on TV fat the other day, she is newly 5. I didnt call her rude. I told her why she shouldn't say that and how its not nice & might offend people.

I think the teacher needs some sort of training in how to approach sensitive subjects. A child won't learn if you don't give them an explanation.

You are not being unreasonable @Imgonnadance

Can I ask how you know how he was spoken to like that? Like the context. Like if he was asking when they were on the carpet and should have been listening to the task then she might have saiid it was rude he was talking which a six year old would understand. How do you know the teacher didn't try explaining?

I'm not saying that was how it happened just that there might have been more going on than the exchange seen here.

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@bellie710

You can teach your kid all you like how to answer the question, but a rote answer doesnt remove the emotional response for a child. My son used to stand at the door banging on the glass and screaming doe his dad. We did all the things we were meant to in order to get him through those emotions, but no amount of "just say that you have a mum and dad isnt here" removed that response when he was hurting. It does not work like that.

However, if everyone just taught their kids from toddler age that all families are different, but those differences are bit strange and not something to barge in and ask about, then kids really struggling wouldn't need to deal with it.

There is no need for anyone to ask why another child doesnt have a dad because they should all know already that families come in all shapes and sizes. It isnt anything to be curious about.[/quote]
I think if they are older fair enough but the child is 6! 6 year olds ask lots of inappropriate questions, as a parent of a child who lives with both mum and dad it would never occur to me to say by the way if one of your friends lives with one parent don't mention it. We have no friends that I can think of that are single parents, and none in school so would not even be on my radar!

I don't think rude is the right word- curiosity is normal in children. It's just outside of the child's concept of how people live and they wonder why. It can insensitive question, but a 6 y/o wouldn't understand why really.
Teacher could have taken the opportunity to explain about families- that some children live with mum and dad, some live with just mum or just dad, some live with two mums, some with grandparents etc etc.

They are indeed inquisitive, years and years ago queuing at the bank we were behind a West Indian soldier with his sleeves rolled up. My daughter, about 4, stroked his arm and said You're very brown, you must sunbathe a lot! Luckily he saw the funny side but in today's world she'd probably be on a register of some sort

I used to work in a fairly rural area, my colleague was black. A couple of times they heard children asking adults "Why is their skin so dark?". She used to laugh at how the adults would shush them and try to get them to be quiet instead of just saying something like "people come in all colours depending on where their families were born".

She was probably caught on the hop and wanted to quickly stop the boy being made to feel uncomfortable or upset so didnt word it in the ideal way

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@SarahAndQuack

Different doesnt mean lesser. Someone feeling sad because their parent's have divorced doesnt make them less than their friends, it just means they hurt for a little while and it isnt fair to ask questions in a classroom which may remind them how sad they feel. It isnt difficult to teach children that.

My youngest was 6 weeks old when his dad left. He never felt sad. He never went through what his brother did. I had to teach him all that so he didnt put his foot in his mouth with his friends going through family separation, but he understood.

One thing we went through which was maybe unusual was their dad turning up after 6 years, and expecting back in their lives. Really screwed their friend's minds up with that awkwardness. That was hard to navigate because kids just wouldn't bloody stop asking for all the details on how they had a dad now etc. My kids were struggling enough, they didn't need to be bombarded with questions, but I sorr of understood because it was so unusual. I do not understand the "why dont you have a dad" crew. Surely parents have told their kids about all the different families. They should already know that people dont have dads/mums/whatevers.[/quote]
YY, indeed, different doesn't mean lesser - that's why I think it is wrong to make children feel as if it does. And making a situation taboo is a very good way of giving a child the idea that their difference is something bad.

I do absolutely take your point that painful life situations can make innocuous questions feel very painful. And I'd hope a teacher would deal with that a bit better than this one did (though, goodness, I imagine it's hard being a teacher right now). I definitely don't think it's ever ok to bombard a child with questions. That sounds awful and I'm so sorry your children had to go through that.

But ... sorry, I still don't think the answer is to ban questions about why some children don't have dads.

@bellie710

And therein lies the problem. Your normal is a 2 parent, straight household. And that's all your kid really knows I guess. So when they meet a kid from different set up, to them it will be unusual and a curiosity so they will ask about it.

Parents like you should be doing things to show your kids a range of families, so that as they grow up, they dont think it to be odd. Starting with picture books of families like yours, single parent families, same sex families and moving onto chapter books which represent those too. Just another family, different from yours but not a curiosity. Nothing to go "oh, so you dont have a dad? How odd" about.

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@bellie710

And therein lies the problem. Your normal is a 2 parent, straight household. And that's all your kid really knows I guess. So when they meet a kid from different set up, to them it will be unusual and a curiosity so they will ask about it.

Parents like you should be doing things to show your kids a range of families, so that as they grow up, they dont think it to be odd. Starting with picture books of families like yours, single parent families, same sex families and moving onto chapter books which represent those too. Just another family, different from yours but not a curiosity. Nothing to go "oh, so you dont have a dad? How odd" about.[/quote]
I didn't say that was how my children behave my point is children who live with both parents don't realise and shouldn't be judged for what they expect.

My sister is in a same sex relationship and about to get married so my kids are well aware of different relationships and shouldn't be judged. People are too quick to judge, kids should be allowed to not know about certain relationships and situations, I still think the teacher handled this situation badly and even if she knows the pupils situation there are better words to use than rude.

I can understand why the teacher may have felt the need to step in, with knowledge of the child’s background etc. however this could have become a teaching point for both children-as in, how families can be different and instead of making either child feel bad she could have talked about differences, e.g. parents, siblings, pets...
Handled badly by the teacher, in my opinion.

@SarahAndQuack

I'm not advocating banning the questions or discussions. I'm saying they should happen in people's own homes, or group discussions in school were no one is being put on the spot or singled out. It's the asking the child, "why dont you live with your dad" that isnt ok.

There should be family topics were it is talked about as a class, there should be giving talks if children want to, were it again can be discussed as a class. Every family should be having these discussions at home. Even single parent families have kids who dont understand why another kid would feel sad if they has to answer that question because they themselves have never felt sad.

But as some people on this thread have shown, the idea of single parent families doeant even exist on their radar so they've never mentioned it to their kids. Those kids will be the ones who put that child on the spot. It should be dealt with way before it gets to that point.

All kids should feel safe in saying "I live with my mum/grandparents/dad" and not feel ashamed and not have to worry about hands going up too ask were the missing family member is, because their peers should have been taught already that it's just family.

You're expecting too much of a busy teacher who didn't know his question was coming, had other children around, and so wasn't ready to deal with it in the best possible way. Also it's unlikely she'd have time to take him on one side and explain.

In that split second in a busy classroom where she had little or no time to think, she prioritised the boy that needed protecting. In that situation and with no warning, I doubt you'd have done much better, OP.
She wasn't angry or unpleasant. She just cut him off at the pass so that the other boy wouldn't have to answer.

Its rude, you say you see the dad drop the child off regularly but over Christmas one of our school dads (who always did the school run) killed himself imagine being that child a week later being asked why they don't live with dad?

I still think that is restricting - if not banning - questions.

You're saying a child who doesn't have a standard two-parent family cannot really talk about their family with their peers, in the natural way six-year-old children do. They can't be allowed to hear and respond to a question. If another child asks an innocent question, the whole class will learn from the teacher's response that it is a rude question. And the whole class will learn that not having a dad is shameful.

IMO that's a problem.

I think with older children you could direct the situation in such a way that discussions of family set-ups happen in a more controlled manner. But with children this little, they're constantly going to be asking questions that relate to family situations. If it's not 'why don't you have a dad' it'll be 'how come you don't have a red door, we have a red door' or 'why does your mummy drive the car to school when we have to walk in with dad?' And with children that age, all of those questions will likely have equal weight.

@Starsky82

I can understand why the teacher may have felt the need to step in, with knowledge of the child’s background etc. however this could have become a teaching point for both children-as in, how families can be different and instead of making either child feel bad she could have talked about differences, e.g. parents, siblings, pets... Handled badly by the teacher, in my opinion.

You don't seem to have much idea about what it's like to be running a busy classroom. All that will be covered in a lesson at some point. But you can''t just ignore the rest of the class and have a totally unplanned mini-lesson with one child, when there could be all sorts of stuff going on with the rest of the class.

Children at 6 years old don’t have the emotional intellect to consider the questions they ask, might be ‘impersonal’, children are inquisitive by nature as they learn about the world and the people around them. It’s not rude, i think the teacher maybe felt awkward, so shut the conversation down.