Teacher's comment to DC

[Imgonnadance]

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

@alwosjshaja

Due to very serious DV we have recently had a new child start at our school. Serious to the point that one of the parents isn't allowed to know the location of the family. We have children who attend who are in foster care and some who live with other relatives that aren't their parents. There are loads of reasons why a teacher may need to shut a conversation like this down quickly and saying 'it's rude' is a quick and easy explanation which doesn't put the child who is being asked in an awkward situation. It may not have even been said because of the child who was asked but more to put a stop to the conversation in general which may have been difficult for another child in the room that you aren't aware of. To launch into a detailed explanation of different family sets ups and problems may not be appropriate.

In that case, are you not taking a risk to make the child who was asked that question really uncomfortable and ashamed though?

If you need to distract, surely you can do that in another way?

It is pretty rude, and there may be a back story you don't know about.

Your kid wasn't in the wrong, but the teacher wasn't in the wrong either. Presumably she didn't yell at him or anything, just shut the discussion down probably out of concern for the other boy.

I think the teacher handled it badly. I would try to teach my child not to ask questions like that as it's a sensitive subject and might be upsetting (equally might not be upsetting if the parents divorced ages ago or never lived together). I wouldn't tell them off though because at 6 it'll just be innocent curiosity. I also agree that making a big deal of it like that could make the other child feel it's something to be ashamed of.

@WorraLiberty

He wasn't scolded though was he?

He was told not to ask something because it's rude.

I told him his friend may feel sad that he doesn’t live with his dad and that may be why the teacher said it is a rude question

And that was a good answer ^^

Agree it was a good answer.

My friends DD asked my ds why his dad didn't see him around the same age.

Ds didn't want to answer and said so. She kept on and on which things like "I'm just asking" and "why won't you tell me"

I eventually told her to button it as ds made it clear he didn't want to answer.

My friend defended her dd and said "she's entitled to ask anything she wants"

So my stance is it's ok to ask questions but you do have to teach children they have no right to an answer. I believe it's demanding an answer because you want to know that's rude.

Your ds didn't do this by the sounds of things and I agree your answer were spot on.

@Wearywithteens

A 6 year old can understand that family structure can be private. They can understand adoption by single parents, so their friend actually doesnt have a dad or a mum. Children can be told, and understand, that all children come from different backgrounds and none of them are wrong, but they can be private. Their friend might want to talk about it and if they do then you listen, but you dont start that conversation.

My kids' dad walked off when they were 2 and 6 weeks old, so maybe I've been a bit hot on talking about that stuff with them, but they understood. There was never confusion.

@Wenolikeexplodeythings

It sounds like you've raised your son in your little household bubble, and havent taught him or exposed him to media which shows that other people live different lives, and all of those are valid and totally normal. By 6 years old, he should have seen single parent families or same sex parent families.

An example, my son read the polar bear explorer club books around that age. The main character is a girl and her father is a single parent, who also happens to be gay. It is briefly mentioned in one line when he talks about the love he lost, and the daughter says "his name was X, wasnt it?". My kid breezed right through that; didnt question it. Wrote his wee book review and included the single parent, lost his partner info on the character, in the same way he would say that a character was married. His friend who read the book went nuts. A single dad. What?!? He loved a man. What?!?!?! The kid wouldn't shut up about it.

You cant raise your kid in a vacuum. He should know about these things by this age.

Tbh I don’t think there are many books like this. You need to look for them really.

I also don’t think many 6yo will have had the personal experience of a lesbian or gay couple having children.
As an adult, I know of 3 lesbian couple with children. I’m 50yo....

This question would have had my DS in tatters at 6yo, his dad had passed away.

But at he same time, your 6yo isn't to know, maybe the teacher knows why the child doesn't live with his father and its not a nice reason.

My DS ended up writing a poem and read it infront of the school.

It wasn't a nice reaction for your DS, but it may well have been a horrible question for the other child.

The teacher was right.

You’re assuming the other boy would have cheerfully answered and it all would have been fine though.

The teacher is much more likely to be aware of the backstory than you, and may have intervened specifically because they were aware that the other child finds the topic distressing or that the backstory is difficult.

Isn’t it a different situation where the child doesn’t take NO for an answer @itsgettingweird?

Not the same than just asking once

I haven't spoken to the teacher by the way. Yes it may be an uncomfortable question and now my son knows that but had he not asked me why it was rude he wouldn't have known and I believe kids should be given reasons and not just told to keep quiet. I'm certainly not raising my children in a bubble as suggested. The subject just hasn't come up and now it has

@Wearywithteens

“we should teach children not to ask questions that might make people uncomfortable.”

How can a 6 year old reasonably discern what would potentially make people uncomfortable? I’m 50 and still find people very unpredictable in how they respond to innocuous comments or chat. All children have a dad, or will have had a father - it’s not a big national secret. To stop a child asking an innocent question of his school mate sounds unhealthily defensive and a bit precious to me. We shouldn’t stomp on children’s natural curiosity - even around awkward questions. That’s how they learn empathy.

But you're centering OP's son here, not the child he's asking, who is most likely to be upset by the question, judging from the teacher's reaction.

Natural curiosity is all well and good. But children should still be taught not to ask personal questions that could be upsetting to others.

The teacher was right to tell your child not to ask personal questions. It’s something he has to learn ( and isn’t going to learn from you, clearly) maybe dad ( or mum)has been in prison, has an alcohoL
Or drug addiction, or maybe he has been taken away from his birth parents, Or maybe that That applies to another child who was in earshot.

Bottom line, the teacher heard your child asking the type of question he needs to learn not to ask. And told him not to

But the point is that it should have come up. Even picture books now have all different sorts of families in them. It should be normal for him, just as have married parents is normal.

Of course it's a rude question. Just because your son didn't realise that doesn't mean it should be tolerated.

OP I think you need to recognise that the needs of the other child have to come first here.

Yes you may wish for you child not be “told off” and to be give a full explanation for why a teacher is asking him not to behave in a certain way, but the needs of the other child not to be distressed and upset come first.

What the teacher said was fine. If you don't want the teacher to be teaching social skills - like not asking personal and potentially upsetting questions - then teach them at home.

She kept on and on which things like "I'm just asking" and "why won't you tell me"

This may be why the teacher had to tell him to leave it. My DS is perfectly happy to explain that he doesn't see his father, but some children keep picking and picking, either from curiosity or because they sense an opportunity for social dominance. In that instance I would be grateful for a teacher shutting the conversation down.

Or maybe the boy who talks about his dad and gets dropped to school by him would have been fine with the question but the teacher has her own personal feelings about the subject and reacted that way?

...to stop a child asking an innocent question of his school mate sounds unhealthily defensive and a bit precious to me. We shouldn’t stomp on children’s natural curiosity - even around awkward questions. That’s how they learn empathy.

No, learning that something isn’t their business because it might hurt someone for them to bring it up is how they learn empathy. Indulging their curiosity to the point that is painful to someone else is how they learn entitlement.

@Imgonnadance

Hi Op
I can see both view points on this thread post.
Its totally natural to be curious,inquisitive for your son to be curious/inquisitive about the world and other children from his peer age group.
But I can also see that his school teacher is protecting the other child,as his family set up,could be unconvential/quite complex,for that child even to understand himself, let alone your son,
for e.g adopted child or a child from care foster system, or father of child could have run off with someone else,having a affair,etc.!

My advice is to explain in a age appropiate way to your son,about how different family set ups can be sometimes,
different thats all.
It be a boring world if everybody/every situation was the same !
Also explain to your son that sometimes some family situations can be for a child hard for them to understand feelings wise emotionally as it can make child sad,such as having parents divorced for e.g or etc .!

I don't think its rude. They are very young children they will ask the most awkward questions possible. Teacher should of explained some children have 2 mums or 2 dads etc and how every family is different.

At my children’s school we have a few adopted children, some with same sex parents, some fostered, some single parents, some who live with grandparents and some where there are safeguarding issues with a parent. Your DS’s question was rude and you can’t expect the teacher to explain it further, he asked you and you should answer. My children have been aware from an early age that families all look different and come in different forms. I don’t recall school doing any of this teaching but maybe they have.

Because it’s none of his business and the answer might well be a sensitive subject.

This. And this is probably why he wasn’t “given reasons”. Your son asked a question of another child in open forum (or, at least, within the earshot of others) which may well have been sensitive. Your son didn’t mean to be rude, I’m sure. But should the teacher actually have gone into the ins and outs of why he shouldn’t have asked that? When it might well have been embarrassing for the other child concerned? Or involve personal information about that family? She really shouldn’t. Your son asked you why and you gave him a good, age appropriate, answer. He’s learned something and the other child wasn’t further embarrassed or singled out. No harm done to anyone.

You're not getting it. At your son's age, he should already know that there are single parent families, and co-parent but separated families or grandparent families, or group home backgrounds.

He should not need to ask. That's all there is to it.

He should already know that these families exist, they are normal, they are not a curiosity or something to ask about. They are just normal. He doesnt need to ask his friend. Has his friend ever felt the need to ask, "Why are your parents in the same house?" He wouldn't because it is normal, just like separated parents are normal and your son should not even need to ask.

Do you understand now?