Should I pay him back?

[namechangemoney]

When Covid hit my hours were reduced at work and I went down to 80% salary.

DH and i decided I would reduce my monthly mortgage contributions by the missing 20% and he would cover it. Ive recently learned that my company is kindly paying me back 10% of the earnings as a one off bonus.

Should I give that back to him?

For reference (which I think makes a difference)

We split mortgage 50/50
He pays all utility bills
We split all food / holidays / treats 50/50
He earns 100k more than me (I don't earn much) and has significant savings

I think your set up is fine. I contributed towards mortgage before kids. Then once we had them I kept all my earnings (1k per month) which I would spend on days outs/kids. Money for me. Etc.

Id offer to give the 10% to him but that's because I think its not a good idea keeping it from him that you have the money being paid back to you.

@ItsNotAlrightButItsOkay

I think your set up is fine. I contributed towards mortgage before kids. Then once we had them I kept all my earnings (1k per month) which I would spend on days outs/kids. Money for me. Etc.

Id offer to give the 10% to him but that's because I think its not a good idea keeping it from him that you have the money being paid back to you.

*I do. Not would.

Bit she should have ALL of them as reward for marrying a high earner. Apparently 🤣
As long as its not their DS money I'm sure opinions would change.

I don't think the issue is whether or not you have separate bank accounts. That's down to personal taste. The issue is where there's a significant financial imbalance in a relationship. For obvious reasons this just doesn't make sense in a marriage. It's not personal taste or how you choose to run your marriage it's just practical common sense. I don't genuine believe anyone is stupid enough not to see that.

If someone earns £300k and someone else earns £30k where are you going to live? Are you going to live in a small, dingy flat so that the person on 30k can afford half the mortgage? Or are you going to expect the lower earner to push their budget to the limit? Where are you going to go on holiday? Will you go separately? Where will you go out on day trips or to dinner? If it's up to the richer partner to pay for these treats then you have a massive power dynamic in the relationship. They get to decide on holidays and days out because they're paying. Would you be happy treating yourself while your partner struggles to get by? If so why?

Then what about housework? If one partner works longer hours will you still insist that they do 50%? Will they do 50% of the childcare? What about maternity leave? Will they pay you for the hours you spent doing extra childcare or housework? Are you going to go 50-50 on the expenses for children? One person chooses all the kids' christmas gifts because they're paying? One person gets to choose whether little Jonny goes on the ski trip because they can afford to pay for it? This isn't an OK power dynamic in a marriage.

Obviously we're talking about a significant difference here. If one earns 30k and the other 35k, you don't have children, and one person has chosen to work fewer hours because they're happy to have a little less spending money then of course fine. If you choose to keep seperate bank accounts because one of you fritters it away during the month and the other saves for larger treats then fine. A significant difference in income though simply does not work with completely seperate finances. For all the practical reasons above.

I never understand these threads. So much for being a team. This doesn’t seem like any kind of partnership. He sounds incredibly tight fisted.

Seriously, this is marriage, what's his is yours and what's yours is his, end of! There should be no calculations involved in what percentage you pay back etc FFS why do people get married if they fecking worry about who owns what in a relationship. I earn more than my wife but my money is our money for the betterment of our family, home and future!

@SleepingStandingUp
That would depend on the mortgage.
Say the OP earned 25, then her husband must be on at least 125k, so they could easily get 500k mortgage
Monthly payments would be around 2k mark
So at 50/50 split the op would barely be left with £500 a month to live on,

I've yet to see a post on Mumsnet where the advice isn't to get divorced. How do we know that mans savings won't benefit wife in
The future? If they have children, they may need that to live off or cover the mortgage costs

Or maybe buy a bigger house?

Maybe wife loses job and then husband's savings cover the entire mortgage

But since you asked OP, I'd keep the money and put into your savings for a rainy day

@Bluntness100 Wins MN for that quote,lmao

I earn £50k. He earns just over £150k.

I spend £800 each month on our mortgage leaving me with well over 2k to save / spend on what I like.

His savings are for the 'future' - should we need a bigger house, school fees etc (we don't have kids but would like to).

This wasn't the point of my OP but I'm very happy with our set up.

Thats still not fair
Pool money, pay bills and split what is left (or just have totally joint money)

Yup. Don't get why so many people on here get married and keep everything split still. Will make zero difference in a divorce why go to all the hassle? Just communicate, talk to each about why you're buying, it's not difficult. If they are abusive, you've got bigger problems and need way more help than a calculator.

i think if you have agreed this split and then he let you off when you were on 80% then it would be expected to be told when you got repaid 10% of that and agree how to treat it.

Anything else just seems deceitful in a relationship where you have agreed a split in advance.

(whether the split is fair or not, no comments on that)

@namechangemoney I think the problem people have is with the power dynamic not whether or not you have enough spending money. If the savings are for your family in the future why are they only his? Surely you would be making joint decisions about which house to buy or how to spend money on children? Yet you say you're paying 'him' back rather returning the money to the family's savings.

Well yes @JustAnotherOldMan but you said you couldn't see how you could split a mortgage 50/50 if their income was 100k apart. It's quiet easily and reasonably done. Ops given no indication that she can't afford to live despite her partner earning 100k+

@IMNOTSHOUTING he saved all this money before I met him. Genuinely never occurred to me ask to be added to those accounts!

They would be joint decisions - our house is case in point. I haven't paid for any of the furniture or decorating but I chose it all.

@CakeRequired

Thats still not fair Pool money, pay bills and split what is left (or just have totally joint money)

Yup. Don't get why so many people on here get married and keep everything split still. Will make zero difference in a divorce why go to all the hassle? Just communicate, talk to each about why you're buying, it's not difficult. If they are abusive, you've got bigger problems and need way more help than a calculator.

Because we make our financial decisions on how we live together not on what would happen in a divorce? Yes if we get divorced I'll get half his (small savings) but because I don't assume my DH is a deceitful dick who wants to screw me and our kids financially I don't need access to them

@namechangemoney I totally get that you wouldn't have any particular need to have your name added to an account set up before you met but presumably since he earns £100k more to you he's now contrubuting significantly more to the savings pool. So surely since this is money accumulated during your marriage and is to be spent on the family it should now be considered joint money. Perhaps it was just your phrasing but you made it sound like you would be paying your husband back rather than putting the money towards joint savings.

It's just a very odd question I guess. Either the savings are a joint asset in which case you're not paying your husband back or you'd be giving your husband some extra spending money. Surely since he already has so much more spending money than you he wouldn't dream of accepting it anyway?

I can’t get my head around this... my Dh earns alot more than me, whars his is mine

I don't think your set up is odd OP. If it works for you don't change it.
My husband earns around £50k more than me, he pays a higher % of the mortgage, we split bills and groceries 50/50, holidays 60/40.
I would never expect him to pay for my holidays or share his savings, he works hard and that is his money, and to be fair he pays for major work on the house, when we bought out house he paid the deposit.
I hate that people think just because your married you should pool your money, you do what works for you.

[quote IMNOTSHOUTING]@namechangemoney I think the problem people have is with the power dynamic not whether or not you have enough spending money. If the savings are for your family in the future why are they only his? Surely you would be making joint decisions about which house to buy or how to spend money on children? Yet you say you're paying 'him' back rather returning the money to the family's savings.[/quote]
The Op has made it clear the mortgage payments are only 25% of her take home pay. There isn't a money imbalance.

I would offer OP to pay the money back.

I don’t think he should accept your offer but it’s his choice as you would be offering.

@JustAnotherOldMan
That would depend on the mortgage. Say the OP earned 25, then her husband must be on at least 125k, so they could easily get 500k mortgage. Monthly payments would be around 2k mark. So at 50/50 split the op would barely be left with £500 a month to live on
No, you're wrong.
She'd bring home about £1562. 25% of that is £391 so op would have over 1k left for spends from which no food or bills come. The mortgage would be £782.

For a £2k mortgage where op pays 1k she'd be bringing home 4k so about 60k to her DHs £160k. She'd have 3k left. How is that unreasonable?

i can't get over this thread all the 'you should do it this way because that's the way I do it' nonsense. My DH and I don't pool money, I have zero interest in what he spends his salary on and vice versa, as long as mortgage/food/bills are covered in a way that is agreeable to us, why should we do something just because randoms on MN say so- weird

Some people here really love to ram their idea of a marriage down other people's throats!
"Thats not a marriage". "A marriage is..." "A marriage means..."
Everyone gets to decide what to do in their own relationship, there is no rule that you need to only have a joint account because you are married.
Couldn’t agree with this more.

I hate the faux “I don’t understand how anyone could live like this” comments. You’re either spectacularly unintelligent or you really mean “I would never be happy knowing my partner had more money than me”.

What works for you isn’t going to work for everyone. Your set up sounds fine op, but you know that.

@Nohairofcourseicare

I never understand these threads. So much for being a team. This doesn’t seem like any kind of partnership. He sounds incredibly tight fisted.

Based on what? Purely OP wanting to pay 50% of the mortgage?

Or her husband covering all the bills as she earns less?
Her husband contributing more to the mortgage when OP's earnings dropped?
Her husband paying for a cleaner so neither of them have to spend much time doing it?
Her husband paying for the decorating and furniture for the house?

I never understand posts that assume there is only one way to do things and if you don't have one account you apparently aren't married.