Page 7 | Should I pay him back?

namechangemoney · 2021-02-02T20:39:06+00:00

When Covid hit my hours were reduced at work and I went down to 80% salary. DH and i decided I would reduce my monthly mortgage contributions by the missing 20% and he would cover it. Ive recently learned that my company is kindly paying me back 10% of the earnings as a one off bonus. Should I give that back to him? For reference (which I think makes a difference) We split mortgage 50/50 He pays all utility bills We split all food / holidays / treats 50/50 He earns 100k more than me (I don't earn much) and has significant savings

PeggyHill · 03/02/2021 01:04

@IMNOTSHOUTING

I supported my husband when he was finishing his PhD and his funding ran out. (My research went faster so I had already graduated). We both had high earning careers for a bit but when we had kids that obviously wasn't an option unless we were happy for them to barely see a parent all week. Since I had a part time alternative career and he didn't I was the one to take the pay cut. If in the future DH doesn't like his job anymore I'd be happy to work longer hours and/or have less money so that he can be happy.

This is what marriage is about, you're a team. You pool your resources and you work to a common goal. We're both much more financially and emotionally better off as a result. If we'd selfishly cut our own time and money to ourselves DH wouldn't have a PhD or the career he does.

How would it even work to livea different lifestyle to your spouse? If one is on 300k and the other on 30? Do you all live in a small house just so the lower earning one can afford 50% of the deposit? Does the higher earning one go on nice holidays and leave their spouse at home? Do they treat themselves to nice clothes and luxuries whenever they want while their other half saves up for a hair cut?

If you don't love your partner enough to want to share with them why marry them?

This makes perfect sense to me but it's not the general view on MN.

In fairness I think a lot of women on here have been in an abusive marriage that was/is hard to escape, and are concerned that other women might end up in that situation, so their advice is usually to closely guard everything and keep finances separate. Personally I'd say if that's how you feel then simply don't get married, but I appreciate that everyone has different views on marriage.

MsSoulSister · 03/02/2021 07:56

I'll never understand marriages like this. It's all so complicated! We have a joint account that all wages go into. We don't have any separate accounts at all- both of us buy things we need/want out of that one account. Marriage is about sharing- "for richer for poorer" and all that. I can't imagine how much energy must be wasted on discussions about who owes who what!

luxxlisbon · 03/02/2021 09:04

Some people here really love to ram their idea of a marriage down other people's throats!
"Thats not a marriage". "A marriage is..." "A marriage means..."
God, particularly the ones claiming you guys don't love each other because you have separate accounts.

Everyone gets to decide what to do in their own relationship, there is no rule that you need to only have a joint account because you are married.

It sounds like you are happy with your set up, your husband doesn't remotely sound like he is abusing or scamming you. He pays more, he does all the cooking, he pays for a cleaner and neither of you feel hard done by or taken advantage of.

Godimabitch · 03/02/2021 09:15

@Bubbles1st

I think when it comes to paying a mortgage and keeping equity fair there is nothing wrong with people paying 50/50 regardless of income. OP doesn't pay any other bills so that makes a difference.

I would offer to pay the 10% but I would like to think he will decline.

This.

Everyone splits finances differently, it seems that OP only contributes towards the mortgage, and at only 25% of her income she's hardly hard done to. But has that clear paper trail that she has paid half the house so half belongs to her, I wouldn't pay less than 50% of a mortgage unless I genuinely didn't have the money.

OP I'd probably offer him the 10% or offer to spend it on something joint or half it, I wouldn't keep it from him. It's good to see you dont think you're entitled to half his money just because you're married. If you'd had kids and your income was lower because you look after them then yes he'd be expected to subsidise you, but you chose one path he chose another, you say yourself he works harder than you, theres no reason to expect his money. Keep doing what you're doing, I'd say he's been quite generous to pay all other bills so you can contribute solely to the mortgage.

Indecisive12 · 03/02/2021 09:43

@PeggyHill

You're married so surely it doesn't matter?

I don't get these threads at all

This. If OP is happy with what she’s paying there’s no need to adjust it. She’ll be entitled to half of his anyway as his wife.

yahyahs22 · 03/02/2021 09:49

I can't believe some people's replied OP I really can't. You have it MADE and he sounds like a gem. As do you.

lightlypoached · 03/02/2021 09:55

I earn a lot more than DH. We pool everything, and whatever is left is joint savings that we discuss how to spend.

Without that there would be innate inequality in our relationship, a power imbalance. How can you ever have an equal partnership with the power skewed to one of the partnership?

I know this arrangement isn't for everyone but I would say if you have such a financial imbalance that it might be good to look at the relationship to see whether that has bled into other areas of your relationship. Being together is about sharing (the shit and the good stuff).

OP I'd keep the cash and have a serious chat about the overall arrangement. Good luck !

pumpkinbump · 03/02/2021 10:55

No! Keep it.

Ileflottante · 03/02/2021 11:56

Guys. Read the thread. She’s going to leave her husband as he’s obviously a financially abusive tyrant.

Littlepaws18 · 03/02/2021 12:02

In my first marriage it was all 50/50 split on everything but we had similar earnings and debt! But it didn't work out and part of that was because we didn't work as a team.

My partner and I have one pot which we divide our money into bills savings etc. And our own account for our personal spending. Even though we earn different amounts out personal spending is the same. It's a much better system as we are sharing our resources.

100k is a huge difference, And I think what alarmed me was the fact that he had huge savings it wasn't a joint venture. Think that will lead to division later on x

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 12:08

[quote namechangemoney]@titchy I genuinely don't understand why though? He works 10 x harder than me, longer hours, more pressure etc - my job is not stressful and less hours so I don't really see why I deserve to have the same amount as money as him each month. We're not living in the Soviet Union - he works harder and so has more money.

@Happygirl79 he's not walking all over me! Christ - I really wasn't expecting this, I do appreciate all the replies but I don't need to reconsider our relationship/ see a solicitor![/quote]
I think it's fine op but I probably wouldn't pay him back
He covered it rather than lent it you I assume? So I'd shove it in savings.

if you're earning 1k a month so left with 500 a month and he's earning 6k a month and is left with 5k I can see why it looks unfair, how busy was he spending on experiences and holidays that you just can't afford to do?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 12:11

@MsSoulSister

I'll never understand marriages like this. It's all so complicated! We have a joint account that all wages go into. We don't have any separate accounts at all- both of us buy things we need/want out of that one account. Marriage is about sharing- "for richer for poorer" and all that. I can't imagine how much energy must be wasted on discussions about who owes who what!

Haha you're really judge us, I've been nagging DH for two weeks to pay me for half the skip I ordered. But it's all good natured, he'd actually offered me in cash but I didn't want cash and forgot to remind him once the kids were in bed. I also sit there at the start of every month and add up what he owes me for bills

SummerBlondey · 03/02/2021 12:22

I think it depends on what you both actually earn. If he earns £400k p/a and you earn £300k p/a, I can see how you'd just split bills, as you'd have more money than you knew what to do with.

If however, he earns £125k and you earn £25k, then I think that the way you're splitting the bills is really unfair. And if was the higher earner in that scenario, I'd be happy to cover all bills and let you keep your £25k salary for yourself.

Context is everything!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/02/2021 12:28

@Bluntness100

If you're in a happy marriage where you've committed to each other for life then I see zero reason why you would want to keep your money separate from your partner

Does your partner earn more than you and that’s what you tell him?

Does it matter who earns more.

Within a marriage it's family money, in law and common sense.

The only problem comes when the higher earner has to have it pried loose by divorce!

Inpersuitofhappiness · 03/02/2021 12:33

@namechangemoney

For what it's worth I mentioned it and he laughed and said obviously don't 'pay me back' and it hadn't even crossed his mind.

This shows what OP and her DHs relationship is like. Theyre happy with the set up the way it is, he's not being cruel to her.

OP also reads like she would be unhappy if she wasn't paying her fair share..

God OP. I really hope you manage to do something nice for the both of you with a portion of the money, and enjoy your marriage for what it is.
Your marriage, on your terms, which you sound happy in.
This thread really has been derailed.

BraveGoldie · 03/02/2021 12:59

This is such a double standard- women who earn more than their male partners are constantly told not to marry or to make sure they have a pre-nup, and any man not paying his equal way is a Cocklodger.

OP - I totally agree. Without kids, you are in no way entitled to half his anything. Yup - nice is it's shared around... as it sounds like it is - but entitled? Nope.

JustAnotherOldMan · 03/02/2021 13:11

Do you mean he earns 10k more than you? Not 100k

As I wouldn’t see how you could split a mortgage 50/50 unless you were on 100k and he was on 200k

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 13:17

@JustAnotherOldMan

Do you mean he earns 10k more than you? Not 100k

As I wouldn’t see how you could split a mortgage 50/50 unless you were on 100k and he was on 200k

Some op is on 24k so brings home £1500 pm. She pays 25% of that into the mortgage so £375. That is half the mortgage so the mortgage is £750 a month.

Playnoh · 03/02/2021 13:20

I can never ever understand married people saying “pay me back” you’re married. It’s all joint money!?

Also you split the mortgage 50/50 when he earns 100k more than you? He is a tight git. It’s concerning that the savings are his that you don’t have access too (presumably as you’ve not said differently) so he can just up and leave you with nothing pretty much...

MustardMitt · 03/02/2021 13:23

That’s great.

I do think though if he’s earning 10x what you are then he should be paying 10X what you are, which is not what you insinuated.

You’re life though.

MustardMitt · 03/02/2021 13:23

Fuck sake.

YOUR life YOUR life autocorrect!

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 13:27

@Playnoh

I can never ever understand married people saying “pay me back” you’re married. It’s all joint money!?

Also you split the mortgage 50/50 when he earns 100k more than you? He is a tight git. It’s concerning that the savings are his that you don’t have access too (presumably as you’ve not said differently) so he can just up and leave you with nothing pretty much...

But our money isn't physically joint. Mine is on my bank account and his is in his. I pay all the bills, he pays me what I ask for. Yes if he turns abusive tomorrow I don't have access to his cash but I'm not running my marriage on the basis that he'll be abusive in the future.

BraveGoldie · 03/02/2021 13:31

Why should she have access to his savings if he leaves? She is an independent earning individual, living within her means, with savings of her own, who has in no way sacrificed income to be with him......

If they split up she would go back to leading the life she had before - and why shouldn't she?

I don't see any justification for splitting assets or income unless one of the couple has sacrificed economically to be in the couple, or if one of the couple has contributed to the other making more money. Neither is the case here.

Emeraldshamrock · 03/02/2021 13:43

This thread is bonkers OP has 75% of earnings to do as she pleases every month.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 13:47

@Emeraldshamrock

This thread is bonkers OP has 75% of earnings to do as she pleases every month.

Bit she should have ALL of them as reward for marrying a high earner. Apparently.