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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay him back?

220 replies

namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 20:39

When Covid hit my hours were reduced at work and I went down to 80% salary.

DH and i decided I would reduce my monthly mortgage contributions by the missing 20% and he would cover it. Ive recently learned that my company is kindly paying me back 10% of the earnings as a one off bonus.

Should I give that back to him?

For reference (which I think makes a difference)

We split mortgage 50/50
He pays all utility bills
We split all food / holidays / treats 50/50
He earns 100k more than me (I don't earn much) and has significant savings

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 02/02/2021 21:12

Wow he's on to a good thing. You shouldn't be paying 50/50. He doesn't respect you.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/02/2021 21:13

Wtaf have o just read?
Op - my (well now exh) earns £100k more than me (£120k to £20k). He pays for EVERYTHING. He's my ex now and is still paying for everything because I'm furloughed. Wouldn't cross his mind not to or even be a discussion.

Summerhillsquare · 02/02/2021 21:13

Thread after thread like this lately. Men taking advantage of women hand over fist, pulling the wool over their eyes about what's fair, and women too passive to say anything. And the silent resentment builds up until a key change...

I bet you do most of the household management too, don't you @namechangemoney?

Blackhawk12 · 02/02/2021 21:13

I'd keep it. I don't get how you live with financial situation like this though

Quartz2208 · 02/02/2021 21:16

How much do you each have to spend on yourself. Does he keep the extra stuff he has (because he must have an awful lot)

And the significant savings - you are married so they are both of yours right?

LiJo2015 · 02/02/2021 21:17

Personally i never understand splitting bills when youre married. All earnings in one pot and divy it up accordingly.

donquixotedelamancha · 02/02/2021 21:18

He earns 100k MORE than you, and you split bills 50/50? Is this a wind-up?

Yeah, that was my thought. I don't really understand marriages where people don't share their lives but I can see it working for some if you have different attitudes to equalish income.

I really can't imagine how anyone would think this is OK.

Duckyneedsaclean · 02/02/2021 21:19

OP - keep it, and please sort your financial situation out.

He doesn't have savings - they are a joint asset.

Why are you scrimping while he isn't?

MustardMitt · 02/02/2021 21:20

So he pays about £200 more than you a month and is on £100k more than you?!

Christ alive. Do you really, in your heart of hearts, think that he would offer the same to you? Because I don’t.

Emeraldshamrock · 02/02/2021 21:20

If it was me I'd keep it.
Arrange a night out if you feel mean pocketing it.

Original poster
namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 21:20

Savings are in his name. I have my own (albeit less).

@Summerhillsquare what do you mean household management?

We don't have kids, he sorts / pays all the bills and does all the cooking. We do our own washing etc and have a cleaner that be pays for.

All these replies are making me feel I've been foolish - I thought I had a good set up! I'm much better off financially - in terms of out goings and what I can save than before we met. Plus we live somewhere so much nicer than I could have afforded.

OP posts:
Notcontent · 02/02/2021 21:21

Wow - that’s not really a partnership, is it... what happens when you go on holiday etc? Do you go 50/50 on everything?

VirtualLearning · 02/02/2021 21:23

I don’t have any advice but I think it’s interesting hearing other perspectives. Here I can’t imagine thinking of something as ‘my’ money or ‘his ‘ money as it’s basically all the same here. I guess it took a few years of married life , children, changing jobs etc to reach that.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/02/2021 21:23

Luckily for you op it doesn't really matter whose name savings are in as you're married, so they're 50/50.
But what does matter is disposable income now - is he swanning around in Gucci whilst you're in primark?

Original poster
namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 21:24

@VirtualLearning maybe it's that - we've been together 4 years, married for 1.

He had these earnings / savings before we met and I had mine. I don't think I'm entitled to it now just because we are married.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 02/02/2021 21:25

thought I had a good set up! I'm much better off financially - in terms of out goings and what I can save than before we met. Plus we live somewhere so much nicer than I could have afforded
It isn't a bad set up and you can always say you bought 50% of your home from your wages.
If he is paying everything else paying a cleaning and cooking then you'd be doing well.
I assume you've money after the 50% mortgage payment.

VirtualLearning · 02/02/2021 21:26

Yes I think that’s very normal and ok as you’ve both been used to being independent - I’m talking as someone who’s been married 20 years where it’s all become less important and blurred!

Halo1234 · 02/02/2021 21:26

Don't even think about paying it back. You should not be paying 50% of the morgage. Agree with other posts. We have always done that. Initially I earned substantial more now my dh does. Everything we have has ways just been ours (well the kids get most of it tbh). He is being unfair.

Original poster
namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 21:28

@Emeraldshamrock
25% of my salary goes to the mortgage.

Small amount for phone / gym (when it's open) the rest is mine to save or spend

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 02/02/2021 21:29

Now I've seen you haven't got kids, this does put a different slant on it. I'm very surprised he doesn't treat you to holidays etc though.

titchy · 02/02/2021 21:30

OP doesn't pay any other bills so that makes a difference.

£500 a month maybe on bills. Out of the thousands more than her he earns each month. Fuck me OP you need to assess this urgently. And keep the money use it for a solicitor

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2021 21:30

It isn’t a bad set up and he does his share of housework. Ideally when getting married you’d blend but I can understand after 1 year marriage the op doesn’t think she should have half his savings, and she’s better off than without him. But it’s not a setup to have children on, you need equal money ownership no matter what people are earning then.

If it’s a good relationship, I wouldn’t lie about money. I’d say I’m getting x back, I’d quite like to put it in savings for x, would you mind?

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2021 21:31

Yes I’d expect to be treated to holidays too.

Ilikewinter · 02/02/2021 21:32

I think its the big disparity in your salary that seems unfair on the split of the mortgage.
DH earns approx £10k more than me, we have a joint account that we pay in a proportionate amount into and that pays all bills. We have separate bank accounts and spend our own money but DH will mostly pay for treats - takeaways, lunch out, extra food shops, will stick petrol in my car etc. Holidays we aim for 50/50 but DH always says he'll pay for the extras, car parking, airport hotels, will spend more when we're away etc.

Original poster
namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 21:32

@titchy @timeisnotaline

For birthdays / anniversary's etc he takes me away (in the good old days)

But general holidays we split and I would never spend more than I can afford

OP posts:
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