Should I pay him back?

[namechangemoney]

When Covid hit my hours were reduced at work and I went down to 80% salary.

DH and i decided I would reduce my monthly mortgage contributions by the missing 20% and he would cover it. Ive recently learned that my company is kindly paying me back 10% of the earnings as a one off bonus.

Should I give that back to him?

For reference (which I think makes a difference)

We split mortgage 50/50
He pays all utility bills
We split all food / holidays / treats 50/50
He earns 100k more than me (I don't earn much) and has significant savings

@donquixotedelamancha 😂😂😂😂😂

This is the way

It is. The only good relationship is one you’ve left. One must always ltb. 😂

@LondonStone

I think you should probably tell him about getting the 10% back because it feels dishonest not to but it certainly would be nice to keep it yourself given your financial circumstances. I really hope this set up works for you, OP and each to their own etc etc.

My DH earns £75,000 more than me and we share everything equally and it all goes in one account. There is no ‘his’ or ‘hers’ money so if we decide to go on holiday, we just... pay for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ What happens if he wants to upgrade to first class or wants to do something fancy or expensive? You sit in economy or pay him back in instalments? I think I’d be quite sad to have your set up.

This

If you earn £50k, and he earns £150k you would ideally split paying mortgage and bills 25%/75%, with the lower earner paying the lower percentage, not splitting 50%/50%.

I'd tell DH about the returning 10% bonus money, as it would feel dishonest otherwise. However I would NOT be expecting him to accept the money, even if I volunteered (I wouldn't!).

@fannyFERNACKERPANN @LondonStone

But WHYYYY

Why am I 'entitled' to a lifestyle I can't afford just because I married someone who earns a lot of money?

I'm so surprised and interested in all these differing views.

I've been with him for 4 years - I did nothing to contribute to him arriving at his current financial situation. I haven't given up work or had kids yet. I'm better off, not worse off with him.

@rawalpindithelabrador

Another one of these. It's a marriage, not a flatmate situation.

My thoughts exactly.

It's got nothing to do with communism (!), or which partner is the higher earner, for that matter. The whole point of marriage is pooling and sharing your resources as a team, a unit. All this bill-splitting and spouses owing each other money and 'I pay 46.2% of the utility bills and he pays 78.67% of the mortgage' (yes, I exaggerate) is more suited to glorified housemates.

So if you get a takeaway do you pay half?

If you go on holiday does he sit with you in cattle because you can't afford business?

In answer to your question because you're a team, a family. The money should go into a joint account where all bills come out and then a joint savings. It's not like he's earning all the money and you're spending it all, but when you're quibbling over paying him back 10 percent that's not a marriage.

I earned nothing for years and my dp (not even married) supported me no questions asked or agreements made for years. Now I earn the same as him and rising and all our money goes in a joint pot where it's our money.

@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight

So if I posted on MN that I was earning 175k and my DH earns 70k but I worked harder, longer hours, was more stressed, paid all the utility bills, did all the cooking, paid for a cleaner and that my DH thought I should pay all my salary into a joint account so he could spend half, everyone would say 'yes, seems fair'.

Don't think so.

Because you are a partnership and are in this together.

Surely he is better of with you as well.

But your opening heading is shall you pay him back - that to me states an inequality where you owe him money. Rather than being in it together. And I think from reading it this is very much YOUR issue rather than his is it not?

He’s not a decent man.

So if I posted on MN that I was earning 175k and my DH earns 70k but I worked harder, longer hours, was more stressed, paid all the utility bills, did all the cooking, paid for a cleaner and that my DH thought I should pay all my salary into a joint account so he could spend half, everyone would say 'yes, seems fair'.

No, that would be completely different to your situation.

[quote namechangemoney]@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight

So if I posted on MN that I was earning 175k and my DH earns 70k but I worked harder, longer hours, was more stressed, paid all the utility bills, did all the cooking, paid for a cleaner and that my DH thought I should pay all my salary into a joint account so he could spend half, everyone would say 'yes, seems fair'.

Don't think so.[/quote]
The joint account would be that though - where everything came from and the bills etc would be split and the spends would be split.

I have to say though when I met DH I earnt slightly more. he now earns 3 times what I do (kids etc) but we still have a joint pot and share everything.

You seem far more interested in arguing that point than in discussing your original question...

If your DH is so wonderful why not just tell him that you're getting 10% back and you're keeping it?

@AtrociousCircumstance

Good God. Yes he is. You total maniac.

I'm going to leave this thread now as it's been derailed.

If you need me, I'll be in my beautiful home in a beautiful area that I own half of but contributed no deposit for with my financially abusive DH.

I think your set up is fine at this time in your life OP.

Re your original question, I think I would do as some others have suggested and tell your OP, and discuss your options about what to do with the money

[quote namechangemoney]@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight

So if I posted on MN that I was earning 175k and my DH earns 70k but I worked harder, longer hours, was more stressed, paid all the utility bills, did all the cooking, paid for a cleaner and that my DH thought I should pay all my salary into a joint account so he could spend half, everyone would say 'yes, seems fair'.

Don't think so.[/quote]
MN might not but that would be fair yes. As long as he was happy to do the majority of house stuff because he works fewer hours.

Men and women are equal you know, it's just that because it's usually the woman that earns significantly less it's means women are far more vulnerable financially so MN tend to be acutely aware of that and biased towards women.

[quote namechangemoney]@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight

So if I posted on MN that I was earning 175k and my DH earns 70k but I worked harder, longer hours, was more stressed, paid all the utility bills, did all the cooking, paid for a cleaner and that my DH thought I should pay all my salary into a joint account so he could spend half, everyone would say 'yes, seems fair'.

Don't think so.[/quote]
Sorry but yes I think that's fair and based on your situation from your post very much so.

If you're in a happy marriage where you've committed to each other for life then I see zero reason why you would want to keep your money separate from your partner

I earn £100k more than my DH. We pay 50/50 when it comes to the mortgage, I pay slightly more for the rest of the bills and generally cover meals out & holidays. He doesn’t go without.

I manage my own savings and investments. Obviously if we split, he would be entitled to half, but they are currently in my name and I decide whether they go into ISA’s, premium bonds, shares, my pension etc. He has his own pension which will pay out very nicely when he retires. It works for us.

25% of my salary goes to the mortgage
Yep you've a good set up he sounds like a nice man who respects your independence.
I'm sure down the road if you fell ill he'd support you and vice versa.

I didn’t mean to add to the pile on. It’s great you don’t feel entitled to his money, I don’t feel entitled to DH’s money either.

We’re well matched in that neither of us care about fancy clothes or cars or jewellery so no one is taking advantage of the situation. It just works for us personally as our biggest expenses are joint things like our home, holidays, eating out etc.

If we shared those equally I wouldn’t be able to “afford” some of those things. We just couldn’t split a holiday 50/50 without me being on some kind of monthly payment plan so we don’t do it like that.

[quote namechangemoney]@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight

So if I posted on MN that I was earning 175k and my DH earns 70k but I worked harder, longer hours, was more stressed, paid all the utility bills, did all the cooking, paid for a cleaner and that my DH thought I should pay all my salary into a joint account so he could spend half, everyone would say 'yes, seems fair'.

Don't think so.[/quote]
Yup. Exactly, the advice would be protect your money and don’t marry him,

Don’t go, hang around it’s fun. Posters will get more and more determined to end your marriage and convince you there is a problem.

It’s gonna get hysterical round about now..😂

He earns a £100K more than you? No, I would tell him that work are giving it back, but I wouldn’t expect to pay it back. £100K? Salary of my dreams!

I find it really odd when people who are married talk about splitting the cost of things.

If you're in a happy marriage where you've committed to each other for life then I see zero reason why you would want to keep your money separate from your partner

Does your partner earn more than you and that’s what you tell him?

@MumUndone

I find it really odd when people who are married talk about splitting the cost of things.

I agree, I couldn't live like that at all