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Original poster

Should I pay him back?

220 replies

namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 20:39

When Covid hit my hours were reduced at work and I went down to 80% salary.

DH and i decided I would reduce my monthly mortgage contributions by the missing 20% and he would cover it. Ive recently learned that my company is kindly paying me back 10% of the earnings as a one off bonus.

Should I give that back to him?

For reference (which I think makes a difference)

We split mortgage 50/50
He pays all utility bills
We split all food / holidays / treats 50/50
He earns 100k more than me (I don't earn much) and has significant savings

OP posts:
CherryBlossomTree7 · 02/02/2021 22:18

[quote namechangemoney]@AtrociousCircumstance

Good God. Yes he is. You total maniac.

I'm going to leave this thread now as it's been derailed.

If you need me, I'll be in my beautiful home in a beautiful area that I own half of but contributed no deposit for with my financially abusive DH.[/quote]
Well at least you know now that many married couples pool their money and don't pay eachother money like this.

Enjoy your house. Please keep in your mind that a lot of couples don't have financial set ups like yours and you don't have to convince yourself you're happy with it. You might be happy with it now but there's no shame in ever admitting that it doesn't work for you. It most certainly wouldn't work for me.

minnimiss · 02/02/2021 22:19

The key think is if you would tell him if you got the money back. And if not, then why not?

I would keep it if I were if your position but I would tell him. If he wasn't happy about it then that would make me very uncomfortable given his income and savings.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 22:19

Please keep in your mind that a lot of couples don't have financial set ups like yours and you don't have to convince yourself you're happy with it

🤣🤣🤣

fannyFERNACKERPANN · 02/02/2021 22:19

@Bluntness100

If you're in a happy marriage where you've committed to each other for life then I see zero reason why you would want to keep your money separate from your partner

Does your partner earn more than you and that’s what you tell him?

No he supported me for years while I was at uni and now I'm on the cusp of earning more than him and will be by the end of the next tax year.. he's begging me to hurry up and retire him lol
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 22:20

No he supported me for years while I was at uni and now I'm on the cusp of earning more than him and will be by the end of the next tax year.. he's begging me to hurry up and retire him lol

So that’s a yes then?

Bookwords · 02/02/2021 22:20

Does your partner earn more than you and that’s what you tell him?m

I earn more than my partner and that's not exactly what I tell him.

Not sure why we'd share everything else and not money.

I mean even in divorce money is shared.

Why would I sit on pots of money when he's got little.

Very odd way of thinking.

fannyFERNACKERPANN · 02/02/2021 22:21

@Bluntness100

No he supported me for years while I was at uni and now I'm on the cusp of earning more than him and will be by the end of the next tax year.. he's begging me to hurry up and retire him lol

So that’s a yes then?

No we earn the same
nicky7654 · 02/02/2021 22:21

@namechangemoney You have a good set up. Maybe keep the bonus but use it to buy your husband a little something also x

fannyFERNACKERPANN · 02/02/2021 22:22

Imagine having a rich partner but being financially worse off and wondering if you could afford something while your partner can afford everything... crazy

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 22:22

Look she’s not going to be demanding his money and she’s not going to end her marriage she’s happy.

Folks are going to have to accept it.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 22:23

@fannyFERNACKERPANN

Imagine having a rich partner but being financially worse off and wondering if you could afford something while your partner can afford everything... crazy
Yes, imagine, but she’s not in that boat is she, so it’s irrelevant. She said if she can’t afford something he happily pays.
fannyFERNACKERPANN · 02/02/2021 22:27

@Bluntness100 she also said in her op she doesn't earn much

He earns 100k more than her and they split treats and food 50/50

Ok so switch it...

Imaging have poor partner but you have loads of spare cash and savings... would you honestly be ok knowing your partner was quibbling over whether to pay you back 10 percent of the mortgage she/he owes you? It's just nuts.. I'm not saying he's abusive, maybe this is the ops problem but the whole set up doesn't seem right

SparrowNest · 02/02/2021 22:31

I guess my question is: now that you’ve joined your lives together in marriage, hopefully forever, what is he saving for separately from you? Retirement without you? Home renovations you won’t benefit from? Holidays without you? At a very basic level it just doesn’t make sense to me, unless you aren’t actually expecting to be together forever.

KizzyKat91 · 02/02/2021 22:32

It sounds like the way you arrange your finances works for you at the moment, but you need to think long term and consider what will happen if you ever can’t work.

What would happen if you became disabled or had a long term illness? Would he pay you an allowance? Would you resent him for that? Would you just have to live off PIP and your own savings? Do you think you would deserve much less money than him because you would be unable to work?

What about retirement? Presumably he’ll have a much bigger pension than you. Presumably he could retire much earlier than you. Will you still feel the way you do now, when neither of you are working, yet he still has much more disposable income? What about if he retires 15 years before you?

Not having joint finances will make making big life decisions much more difficult. He’ll always have more disposable income and be able to make choices in life that you won’t be able to match unless he “treats” you. Don’t you find that patronising? Don’t you think you’ll eventually resent it after 35-40 years of marriage?

LouRidley · 02/02/2021 22:33

Hey, would like to offer a bit of a different perspective here. I was really interested and quite surprised as well to see the reactions to the OP setup.
I have exactly the same, am newly married, and it seems fair to the both of us.
We bought a house, paid equally for the deposit (I had more savings than him but he earns pretty much £100k more than me), we pay equally for the mortgage as we want to own the house 50/50 at the end of our repayments.
He pays for all the bills and generally contributes more to the household spending (food shopping etc) although we’re not really budgeting, sometimes I pay for it, sometimes he does.
It doesn’t sound crazy to me at all!

Trickyboy · 02/02/2021 22:34

namechangemoney you have made an amateurs mistake of not realising the MN basics.

Man - in whatever relationship scenario, no matter how kind, no matter how genuinely loving and all round good egg .. is always a sheep in wolfs clothing. Divorce him immediately. !

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with the way you have your finances. All perfectly fine and normal. I think people are getting confused with the kind of relationships where the woman has stayed at home for twenty years to raise the couples kids - whilst he climbs the career ladder facilitated by his wife's home caring .. whilst giving her £75 a month to pay all food , child activities and her toiletries whilst he earns £150k a year... In that scenario I would be offering the wife a lift to the lawyers !

But this is not you. !

What people fail to see is that a man so keen to keep his money to himself.. does NOT yet married. !

Enjoy your normal , kind , happy relationship. OP.. and yes, by all means offer the money back. At least let him know. It's just basic good manners and honesty .

Original poster
namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 22:35

For what it's worth I mentioned it and he laughed and said obviously don't 'pay me back' and it hadn't even crossed his mind.

OP posts:
RainbowMum11 · 02/02/2021 22:35

I think in your situation I would put it into my pension to be honest - neither of you 'need' this extra money at the moment and it is a tax efficient way of dealing with it.

LemonSwan · 02/02/2021 22:38

I think you should offer to pay it back and if he says yes then be very concerned.

My DP earns 10k more than me and pays all the mortgage - because that covers it.

LemonSwan · 02/02/2021 22:39

Cross post - well hes a goodun after all.

lovescaca · 02/02/2021 22:40

U sure I don't mean 10k more? If my partner earn 100k more I wouldn't be paying any the house bill!

Ontheboardwalk · 02/02/2021 22:44

I get that different splits of cash work for different people as do shared finances or not

What I really don’t get is how people earning different sums of money split things 50/50. Surely it’s a % split

knittingaddict · 02/02/2021 22:48

[quote namechangemoney]@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight

So if I posted on MN that I was earning 175k and my DH earns 70k but I worked harder, longer hours, was more stressed, paid all the utility bills, did all the cooking, paid for a cleaner and that my DH thought I should pay all my salary into a joint account so he could spend half, everyone would say 'yes, seems fair'.

Don't think so.[/quote]
Actually, yes I would. You're married. Call me old fashioned, but that makes you a team, an equal partnership. It's not just about how much money you contribute. I bring zero money to my marriage (for various reasons), but I bring much more to the relationship than £.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/02/2021 22:49

Bloody hell OP no need to be rude! The scenario you described made it seem like your H was not a decent man. You can backtrack now, but being aggressive about it is a bit crap.

CreditCardHelpPlease · 02/02/2021 22:51

He might earn 150k and OP 50K, she has 75% of her income as disposable so potentially 37.5k just for fun. Her husband treats them both, but she can easily afford to pay her way. What's wrong with that? I also would always want to financially contribute half to the home I live in, unless there is some reason you can't earn anything, which is not the OPs situation.
I really think Bluntness is becoming the only voice of reason around here these days

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