Page 3 | Should I pay him back?

namechangemoney · 2021-02-02T20:39:06+00:00

When Covid hit my hours were reduced at work and I went down to 80% salary. DH and i decided I would reduce my monthly mortgage contributions by the missing 20% and he would cover it. Ive recently learned that my company is kindly paying me back 10% of the earnings as a one off bonus. Should I give that back to him? For reference (which I think makes a difference) We split mortgage 50/50 He pays all utility bills We split all food / holidays / treats 50/50 He earns 100k more than me (I don't earn much) and has significant savings

donquixotedelamancha · 02/02/2021 21:33

He had these earnings / savings before we met and I had mine. I don't think I'm entitled to it now just because we are married.

What's the point of being married if you don't want to share your lives? Being married is hard- at your joint income, money should be the easy conversation- there will be much more challenging stuff somewhere on the way.

I just struggle to picture a marriage in which I felt the need to repay the love of my life, especially an amount which was trivial to them. That doesn't mean he must suddenly give you half his money, but clearly a conversation is needed about what equal partnership means and how the future will work.

titchy · 02/02/2021 21:33

You should both have the same amount of spending money each month once food, savings and bills paid. Savings he had before marriage - fair enough. But what you BOTH decide to save from now has to go into a joint savings account.

Happygirl79 · 02/02/2021 21:34

Don't let him walk all over you. He is a tight b.... and is taking advantage of your good nature.
Keep the difference.
And really consider this relationship?

LagunaBubbles · 02/02/2021 21:36

What a bizarre financial relationship! And yours married as well....why, if he's not
willing to share finances with you? I cant imagine earning £100, 000 more than my low earning partner and getting them to pay half the mortgage, thats crazy!

Cheesypea · 02/02/2021 21:36

Unless you earn 100k hes a tight fucker. I'd put it in a savings account and not say a word.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 21:37

@Happygirl79

Don't let him walk all over you. He is a tight b.... and is taking advantage of your good nature. Keep the difference. And really consider this relationship?

What? They don’t have kids, she only spends 25% of her earnings on mortgage, ans she has the rest as disposable income

Are you somehow under the impression she married him so should be sticking her hand out and living off him?

Original poster

namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 21:38

@titchy I genuinely don't understand why though? He works 10 x harder than me, longer hours, more pressure etc - my job is not stressful and less hours so I don't really see why I deserve to have the same amount as money as him each month. We're not living in the Soviet Union - he works harder and so has more money.

@Happygirl79 he's not walking all over me! Christ - I really wasn't expecting this, I do appreciate all the replies but I don't need to reconsider our relationship/ see a solicitor!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 21:39

I never get threads like this, when it’s woman posting her man earns less should she be giving him money and paying everything as she earns more, everyone is like should you fuck. When a woman posts her husband earns more everyone is like that cash should be yours hun get in there.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 21:40

[quote namechangemoney]@titchy I genuinely don't understand why though? He works 10 x harder than me, longer hours, more pressure etc - my job is not stressful and less hours so I don't really see why I deserve to have the same amount as money as him each month. We're not living in the Soviet Union - he works harder and so has more money.

@Happygirl79 he's not walking all over me! Christ - I really wasn't expecting this, I do appreciate all the replies but I don't need to reconsider our relationship/ see a solicitor![/quote]
Op the rule on mumswnt is

If you’re the earner in the relationship you keep it and protect it
If your partner is, you’re entitled to it and you need to get his money from him

Tis the mumsnet law.

Original poster

namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 21:41

@Bluntness100

"cash should be yours hun get in there"

😂😂😂😂

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Beancounter1 · 02/02/2021 21:42

I agree with timeisnotaline - this set up may be fine if you are only one year into your marriage, but please do have some serious conversations about money before having a baby - you should have equal disposable income and equal 'free' time after all housework is done, if you do start a family. Think also about building up joint savings from jointly pooled income (perhaps excluding what you each brought into the marriage), and both have pension provisions.

Pebbledashery · 02/02/2021 21:43

God this thread has been derailed so badly. Op wasn't asking about any advice on her contributions... She's obviously content with what she pays and I'm sure her husband hasn't forced her to given he's taken over the mortgage payment shortfall. Op, fwiw keep the money for yourself just purely based on your husbands salary but just buy him a nice present for appreciating the mortgage payment shortfall being paid by him.. I'm sure if you weren't happy based on your contribution to the household financially you'd do something about.
People are so quick to judge.

rawalpindithelabrador · 02/02/2021 21:44

Another one of these. It's a marriage, not a flatmate situation.

Wanderlust20 · 02/02/2021 21:45

OMG, no!! We split bills 50/50 but only because we're both on exactly the same wage (in different teams but at the same level in the same company).

Pebbledashery · 02/02/2021 21:45

No doubt someone will be along to say you're being financially abused soon 🤔

combatbarbie · 02/02/2021 21:45

I think your annual salary is key here..... Although you are in the "safety bracket" of affordability.... There's a huge difference of 25% on £20k than on £40k for example with him earning £140k if he's on £100k more than you and you still split food bills etc 50/50

LondonStone · 02/02/2021 21:46

I think you should probably tell him about getting the 10% back because it feels dishonest not to but it certainly would be nice to keep it yourself given your financial circumstances. I really hope this set up works for you, OP and each to their own etc etc.

My DH earns £75,000 more than me and we share everything equally and it all goes in one account. There is no ‘his’ or ‘hers’ money so if we decide to go on holiday, we just... pay for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ What happens if he wants to upgrade to first class or wants to do something fancy or expensive? You sit in economy or pay him back in instalments? I think I’d be quite sad to have your set up.

titchy · 02/02/2021 21:48

[quote namechangemoney]@titchy I genuinely don't understand why though? He works 10 x harder than me, longer hours, more pressure etc - my job is not stressful and less hours so I don't really see why I deserve to have the same amount as money as him each month. We're not living in the Soviet Union - he works harder and so has more money.

@Happygirl79 he's not walking all over me! Christ - I really wasn't expecting this, I do appreciate all the replies but I don't need to reconsider our relationship/ see a solicitor![/quote]
Why don't either of you see you as important? That's really sad. I don't mean to dredge up issues where there are none, but why doesn't he value you more? Why don't you value yourself more. Why is both your value solely based on what you earn? Is he a better person? (And make sure he pays for a pension for you!)

If he works longer hours then I agree you should be doing more house stuff, but not having the spending power he does is isn't good. And does not bode well if you want kids at some point.

What if he wanted a massively expensive holiday which was way more than you can afford?

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 21:48

@Pebbledashery

No doubt someone will be along to say you're being financially abused soon 🤔

Yup, waiting for the first ltb 😃

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 21:49

Why don't either of you see you as important? That's really sad. I don't mean to dredge up issues where there are none, but why doesn't he value you more? Why don't you value yourself more

Aye, charge him op. Your going rate is higher, 😃

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/02/2021 21:52

Didn’t you and he say “With all my worldly goods I thee endow”? when you got married?

Pebbledashery · 02/02/2021 21:52

@bluntness100 lol poor husbands can't win can they.
We want to live in a society where women are treated equally.. Op is contributing equally to her household and everyone thinks her husband is a b*stard because of it.
I despair.

donquixotedelamancha · 02/02/2021 21:53

I never get threads like this, when it’s woman posting her man earns less should she be giving him money and paying everything as she earns more, everyone is like should you fuck. When a woman posts her husband earns more everyone is like that cash should be yours hun get in there.

It's easy:

Men who earn less and have joint finances are cocklodgers.

Men who earn more and don't have joint finances are financially abusive.

Men who earn more and share finances have some sort of weird 1950s view of marriage.

Men who earn less, split finances 50/50 and do most of the housework are spineless losers with no ambition.

This is the way.

donquixotedelamancha · 02/02/2021 21:54

Yup, waiting for the first ltb

OP, don't do that until you have your ducks in a row.

Original poster

namechangemoney · 02/02/2021 21:54

@titchy

I think this thread has gone off course. We both see me as important. He has made it very clear in the entire time I have known him that I am the most important person in his life. Supports me and loves me and shows me I'm loved very very much. I don't really need to justify this just because he earns more.

Our value is not based on what we earn.

He works longer hours but does all the cooking because he likes to cook and I don't.

I'm not exactly on the breadline so I can afford to do the things we do - if I can't, he would and has treated me.

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