Should I pay him back?

[namechangemoney]

When Covid hit my hours were reduced at work and I went down to 80% salary.

DH and i decided I would reduce my monthly mortgage contributions by the missing 20% and he would cover it. Ive recently learned that my company is kindly paying me back 10% of the earnings as a one off bonus.

Should I give that back to him?

For reference (which I think makes a difference)

We split mortgage 50/50
He pays all utility bills
We split all food / holidays / treats 50/50
He earns 100k more than me (I don't earn much) and has significant savings

I think what you're getting OP is backlash from a lot of women who contribute nothing and are happy with that but don't like it when other women want to support themselves

I've read your post again (the one I quoted) and I should make it clear that I do all the cooking and the majority of the cleaning. Also my husband has a job that he loves, so he isn't filled with resentment about being the financial provider while I swan around being a lady of leisure.

You do realise that what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours right.....

@LouRidley

Hey, would like to offer a bit of a different perspective here. I was really interested and quite surprised as well to see the reactions to the OP setup. I have exactly the same, am newly married, and it seems fair to the both of us. We bought a house, paid equally for the deposit (I had more savings than him but he earns pretty much £100k more than me), we pay equally for the mortgage as we want to own the house 50/50 at the end of our repayments. He pays for all the bills and generally contributes more to the household spending (food shopping etc) although we’re not really budgeting, sometimes I pay for it, sometimes he does. It doesn’t sound crazy to me at all!

Umm you realise that as long as you are both on the deeds as joint tenants then you both own 50% of the house? Who pays what % of the mortgage is completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with who owns what.

I’f he’s persuaded you to pay 50% of the mortgage because of this, then he’s scamming you!

Eh. My DH is on 23k and me on 18k.. I would ask him.

“Hey thanks for paying the other 20%, work are going to pay me 10% back as a bonus. Do you want me to give that to you to cover what you’ve paid or shall I keep it for a rainy day?”

But surely not all married couples have just one joint account, and there’s the question of equity as well. If you reimburse the mortgage together with an equal participation (50/50), you own the asset of the house together at the end?
Same as saying that my DH is not entitled to my savings, what’s been pooled by me is mine to spend?
I understand there’s a joint account for expenses but on the mortgage, if both work, 50/50 seems fair to me, regardless of the salary. You choose a house that you are both comfortable repaying every month. That’s why you don’t pick a mansion with the hope that the highest earner will pay it all back, you choose an asset you can both afford genuinely confused by the anger towards the ops financial setup.
If you’re with kids and not working it’s very different of course but that’s not op situation and setup seems ideal to me.

Ah @KizzyKat91 yes if you’re joint tenants, you’re right, not the case of everyone though

"She said if she can’t afford something he happily pays"

She actually said he 'treats' her, which is an odd way of putting it.

Glad he doesn't want his 10% back and laughed it off. You must be relieved.

@funnylittlefloozie

He earns 100k MORE than you, and you split bills 50/50? Is this a wind-up?

This. ^

@MumUndone

I find it really odd when people who are married talk about splitting the cost of things.

And this. ^

@namechangemoney I can only echo what many posters have asked... Why on earth do you have this 'my money/your money' thing going on when you're married?

I can never, and WILL never understand married couples who live this way. And 9 times out of 10, it's the woman who loses out, as in these situations, the woman always earn less than the man.

Him paying for stuff and you paying him back when you are MARRIED is solid gold batshit. And you cannot see it.

Judging by all of your posts, your 'DH' has got you well and truly brainwashed. Good luck spending the rest of your life with him. It's gonna be a rough ride.

Also, I agree with a pp that your posts are full of backtracking and dripfeeding. As I said, your DH has got you well and truly brainwashed.

Alternative experience here - when my DM was married for the first time, she gladly joined all of her finances just as everyone here says you're 'supposed' to. He withdrew all the money and ran off and left the country, leaving her with nothing with their baby due in a fortnight. I keep my finances separate and I like it that way, you can not understand it all you like but it doesn't make your way superior or give you the right to judge marriages of people who do things differently to you. Some of the sneering on this thread is unbelievable.

Some of these comments are hilarious

Op if you are happy with the set up ignore these idiots. Most people enter marriage and don't want to become one, having separate finances and a set aside joint account for joint expenses is normal.

I don't understand it either. From the moment we were married all our income was shared. When PIL downsized and gave all their children a lump sum out of that it was our money to put towards a deposit for our first home we bought together. When I was twice on maternity leave it made no difference to my access to the joint account that we both put all our money into.

Why am I 'entitled' to a lifestyle I can't afford just because I married someone who earns a lot of money?
I couldn't own the house I own without what DH earns and without what his parents chose to contribute but it's our lifestyle, not mine or his.

I can't comprehend the idea of "paying DH back".

@CreditCardHelpPlease exactly my views

@EachBleachBlairTrump

I think what you're getting OP is backlash from a lot of women who contribute nothing and are happy with that but don't like it when other women want to support themselves

I don't think you understand what a marriage is. If I was living with a friend or housemate I'd want to pay 50-50 whatever our respective earnings were. If I marry someone and commit my life to them there's no way I'd want to have a massive disparity in disposable income. That's absolutely mental. Imagine one person in the marriage being able to afford high end clothes, nice treats, holidays away with friends and the other not. If this is your life partner who you love and respect, sleep next to every night how on earth would you be happy with that?

I also notice how the 'equality' in the relationships who insist on paying 50-50 never stretches as far as sharing childcare or household duties. The higher earner usually can't possibly be the one to do parents evening or take time off when the kids all have tummy bugs.

Really that's the point of marriage. You pool resources because it's better for the family as a whole. It would be rubbish for kids to have two parents working long hours so one person scales back their career. If one person gets a great job offer that involves moving either they give up that offer for the other person or they take it and their partner takes a career hit.

I guess the exception would be if you were married to someone who was selfish, lazy and reckless with money but why would you marry someone like that in the first time? If you're a genuine partnership you share what you have (and that's usually a combination of time and money).

@Pukkatea

Alternative experience here - when my DM was married for the first time, she gladly joined all of her finances just as everyone here says you're 'supposed' to. He withdrew all the money and ran off and left the country, leaving her with nothing with their baby due in a fortnight. I keep my finances separate and I like it that way, you can not understand it all you like but it doesn't make your way superior or give you the right to judge marriages of people who do things differently to you. Some of the sneering on this thread is unbelievable.

That’s awful but to do that to your mum, he must have been some nasty piece of work. Leaving a baby and her mother penniless. Disgusting.

Wonder what would happen if that happened today. Wonder if they could seize his passport upon return as he’s in theory robbed his wife became she’s entitled to half that money?

CBA reading the whole post but did anyone actually ask how much these bills cost each partner or just kick off for something to do??

[quote namechangemoney]**@fannyFERNACKERPANN* @LondonStone*

But WHYYYY

Why am I 'entitled' to a lifestyle I can't afford just because I married someone who earns a lot of money?

I'm so surprised and interested in all these differing views.

I've been with him for 4 years - I did nothing to contribute to him arriving at his current financial situation. I haven't given up work or had kids yet. I'm better off, not worse off with him.[/quote]
Did you listen to your vows when you made them?

@namechangemoney the man is always abusive on Mumsnet, don’t worry about it. You’re married, you’re happy. It sounds equal in other ways although I don’t know why you each do your own laundry??? My only advice would be before you have kids and potentially reduce hours have a discussion about financial contributions because it should be more equitable when there’s kids not (as many women on here seem to do) give up your work completely because YOU can’t cover childcare but you seem sensible enough anyway.

Enjoy your nice big house with wealthy husband.

Just make sure that you have a chat about who pays for any future children before you have any. That's when things can really go tits up, at the moment it all seems grand, but I have a friend who has to pay for everything child related and really struggles while her knobhead husband lives life to the full. Yours is probably fine, most men are,, but for her sake, please have the chat.

You're married so surely it doesn't matter?

I don't get these threads at all

Wow this soon went a bit crazy

Enjoy your little payout. Have you anything in mind you want to treat yourself too?

For what it's worth, you sound very happy in your set up and it's no one else's business

I supported my husband when he was finishing his PhD and his funding ran out. (My research went faster so I had already graduated). We both had high earning careers for a bit but when we had kids that obviously wasn't an option unless we were happy for them to barely see a parent all week. Since I had a part time alternative career and he didn't I was the one to take the pay cut. If in the future DH doesn't like his job anymore I'd be happy to work longer hours and/or have less money so that he can be happy.

This is what marriage is about, you're a team. You pool your resources and you work to a common goal. We're both much more financially and emotionally better off as a result. If we'd selfishly cut our own time and money to ourselves DH wouldn't have a PhD or the career he does.

How would it even work to livea different lifestyle to your spouse? If one is on 300k and the other on 30? Do you all live in a small house just so the lower earning one can afford 50% of the deposit? Does the higher earning one go on nice holidays and leave their spouse at home? Do they treat themselves to nice clothes and luxuries whenever they want while their other half saves up for a hair cut?

If you don't love your partner enough to want to share with them why marry them?

No no no no no no no

You must have a smallish mortgage if you don't earn a lot but it only takes 25% of your salary

I think the I don't earn much had me more concered , i was imagining you earning like £10000 a year and having to pay half a mortgage of maybe £400 .
But you said it only takes 25% of your income so you have a fair amount left
So you must have a very small mortgage or your idea of don't earn a lot is very different to mine.
I would suggest would it be worth putting 10% in to an account where you could both top up as joint savings for a holiday etc