To tell you Covid has made me realise I'm a bad mother.

[Shamelessnamechange9]

I've never been the maternal type or a natural with kids.
I dont know how to interact or play with then like some people can. I just dont have the nack like others do.
However when my son was born 3 years ago, I was full of joy. I was totally fine when he was a baby when he couldn't talk.
Then we he to got to 1 year old, I would take him everywhere. Every group, every soft play, every play date, I was there. At the time I thought I was doing it for his development (which it was in a way) but now I realise it was not to leave me on my own with him and it was to occupy him.

Then Corona comes along. No playgroups, no play dates, no soft play, no parks as weather is rubbish.
So it's me and my boisterous 3 year old and I have never felt as inadequate, guilty and ashamed in my whole life.
He looks at me and wants me to play with his dinosaurs, trucks, play fight, lego, chasies- and i can for 5 minutes then I'll tell myself I'll need to do some house work or this needs to be done.
I'm ashamed to say I go on my phone alot around him, trailing through mumsnet, online shopping cos I'll tell myself I need to get this.
A few times he has took it off me and tells me to get off it and hides it. And I do. Then 10 minutes later I'm on it again.

Truth is, I just find it boring. I'd rather do house work or be on my phone and play with my son. I know I'm depressed with lockdown and have a phone appointment in a week or so.

Has anyone else had anything similar? Or am I just the worst mother in the world?

I think every mum of a toddler feels like this sometimes, or, in my case, all the time. It IS boring for a lot of people. Like, in your prechild life, you wouldn't be playing Lego for fun would you? So it's still unfun now! Go easy on yourself, parenting during this is frigging hard

You're not a bad mother! I don't think any of my friends with 3 year olds are giving them undivided attention, playing with their toys all the time

How about giving yourself some boundaries around your phone? Setting a timer where you don't pick it up, and give him a bit more time?

I've deleted a lot of apps from my phone and don't let my phone remember my log in details. I find that my desire to look at MN/Instragram/whatever is a lot less when I have to open the webpage, look up by username, log in etc
Only having an app to click on makes it too easy for me to waste my time

Im the exact same as you. Its boring for an adult to play with toys etc. I hate parks, soft play etc but i just do it because the kids like it. I have 2 children and they play together really well so that means im not needed for constant entertainment.

Thanks I just felt awful the other day when he took my phone off me. But I'm literally brain dead being in the house with him all the time. I am really finding it hard.

Be kind to yourself. Parenting in a pandemic is fuxking shit.

My mum was a sahm and she said recently that she feels awful for parents right now. When she was at home with us she had little playgroups to take us to or would constantly be round friends/neighbours houses for tea and chats while the kids entertained each other.

We can't do that right now. We are stuck in groundhog day with nowhere to go and nobody to see.

I only have the one. He still sees his cousins due to childcare bubbles but that's only say once a week. Other times, it's me and him just stuck in.
We can bake cakes, read a book, play with his dinosaurs and I look at the clock and its only 10am
I'm also shoving him on his tablet more.

I think a lot of people feel the same. We are all in a bit of a boring position at the moment so you are not alone in this!
Just try perhaps putting the phone away to charge for an hour. Then you could always play hide the toys - hide dinosaurs / small toys around the lounge and then get him to have a bucket to go and find them all. Whilst he is doing that you get 5 minutes to tidy!
I find I need the feeling of achieving something so plan to blitz one room a day whilst playing at the same time. This seems to work well.

There’s a resent study saying that you just need to actively, fully engage in toddler led play for 20 dedicated minutes per day. Of course the rest of the time you’re being responsive to them and they play along side you and show you things. When I learnt this it was totally freeing!

Oh god you could have been describing how I feel. I love my DD more than anything and the pandemic has developed my skills of creating an activity out of nothing (one day our outing was posting a card) but I feel very guilty that I don’t enjoy a large amount of the playing. I think it comes from every day being the same though; I used to enjoy taking DD on a walk or to the park but as it’s the only thing we can do now and it’s several times a week then it’s hard to enjoy.

I'm crap too. All he does is watch tv.

My three year old tells me not to look on my phone. I do it because so mind numbingly bored.
You're being incredibly hard on yourself. There is not a sodding thing to do at the moment as you describe and you didn't sign up for this.
"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". You are suffering because you're berating yourself. Treat yourself kindly and be understanding. You're doing your best. Parenting in this pandemic is no reflection on you as a person.

I could have written this too. The feeling of dread and terror when I check the weather and see a whole day of rain. I can parent outside. I am a great park mum. I just lose the will to live with indoor play.

My tip is find one thing you enjoy doing (for me it's play doh, love the stuff) and like a PP said, dedicate a good 30 mins to playing properly and intently.

I also move rooms a lot. You can kill a good hour just doing something in a different room.

You are not a bad mum. I am 41. He is 3. We are not natural playmates!!!

There is nothing more boring to me than playing with a three year old as far as I'm concerned. I don't think not wanting to play with them all the time means you are not maternal. My mother was/is lovely, but I honestly don't remember her ever playing with me. She set up toys and crafts and then watched or did her own thing. I love my kids obviously and don't want to accelerate their lives, but now that they are older I am enjoying parenting so much more. I can't imagine what it would have been like in this pandemic when they were toddlers. Don't beat yourself up.

Sounds like you're just not cut out for being a SAHM. Neither am i! Pop him in preschool or nursery and get yourself back into a job of some kind.

This is going to sound wanky, but bear with...

You don't always need to be in his world, bring him into yours.

Kids love to 'help' & just be with you.

Housework
Cooking
Baking
Gardening

Do you have a garden?

Paint the fence
Plant some seeds

Then when you are playing....

Try games that aren't too mind numbing

Orchard games 'bus stop'
Cards
Snakes & ladders
Draughts

Play at cafes/vets/doctors

Read books

Paint
Colour
Stick stuff

Buy some stuff that doesn't bore you witless...

Find some kids TV that you find less dreadful (octonauts/peppa pig/Tweenies I could cope with Fireman Sam/Blues Clues/Ben & Holly made me want to hit the gin)

Go out for a walk/scoot/ride every day. Let him jump in muddy puddles & collect sticks.

You're not a shit mum & you're far from alone being bored witless, but,especially right now, you're the only one who can do anything about it - for both your sakes!

I think most parents go here there and everywhere with their small children to occupy them I used to be a. Nursery worker and I did the same when mine were young,. This having to stay in isn't normal I can't imagine the monotony of trying to occupy a 3 year old every day you might need to schedule your phone time and make up a "timetable" of things to do but spread it out during the day so tell him you are going to bake or whatever after lunch let him pootle about till then. But I imagine you are not alone in this.

You sound completely normal! Don’t be so hard on yourself.

@AmelieTaylor

This is going to sound wanky, but bear with...

You don't always need to be in his world, bring him into yours.

Kids love to 'help' & just be with you.

Housework
Cooking
Baking
Gardening

Do you have a garden?

Paint the fence
Plant some seeds

Then when you are playing....

Try games that aren't too mind numbing

Orchard games 'bus stop'
Cards
Snakes & ladders
Draughts

Play at cafes/vets/doctors

Read books

Paint
Colour
Stick stuff

Buy some stuff that doesn't bore you witless...

Find some kids TV that you find less dreadful (octonauts/peppa pig/Tweenies I could cope with Fireman Sam/Blues Clues/Ben & Holly made me want to hit the gin)

Go out for a walk/scoot/ride every day. Let him jump in muddy puddles & collect sticks.

You're not a shit mum & you're far from alone being bored witless, but,especially right now, you're the only one who can do anything about it - for both your sakes!

Amelie says it much better than I could ^

Also, lots of us have stages/ages that we find hard.
I quite liked the toddler stage, but that may have been because I hated the baby stage. HATED IT. And I felt like an evil un-woman for even having those thoughts! All my peers were in a lovely bubble, and I was just a seething pit of resentment at each nappy, feed and game of peepo. I may have hated peepo the most

Maybe have a google for activities for his age (that dont need loads of kit), and write them on slips of paper and put them in a jar. Then once a day, or when boredom strikes, pick an activity to do together and fake having fun, for those 30 mins.

I was a SAHM for a few years. I don't think this is like normal SAHMing but here are my tips fwiw.

You have to keep him safe. You don't have to entertain him.

If you leave the telly off and leave him to it there will be a horrific half an hour or so but if you can push through it he will entertain himself.

Your phone isn't making you feel cheerful either. Try to turn it off for a while.

What do you like doing? Do that. He can join in however he can.

If you've got housework to do he can definitely help you with that (or pretend to). Toddlers like to copy, so if you're washing up give him a mini washing up kit, if you're mopping give him a broom (unless you have a spare mop) etc.

I'm not trying to be holier than thou, I really struggled at home, I'm just telling you what worked. The main thing is that there will be a horrid bit to get through but there is another side!!

This is why I worked at this age and the DC were in childcare!!

Can your DS go to pre school / nursery since he is 3 OP? At least a couple of mornings a week?

And/or would you like to go back to work and he goes to childcare more?

I'm exactly the same, I find kids extremely boring and have no interest in playing with my toddler. He asks ridiculous questions all the time and I'm wishing away the years as I'm sure I'll be a better mum to a teenager (people who know me keep telling me this, maybe to make me feel better).

Does he have childcare to go to? Can you see if you can get stuck into work? That's what really helps me. There is no way I could parent 7 days a week so I'm sorry if that's what you're dealing with.

The thing is, we are not designed to parent solo. That "takes a village" thing is so true. And it's not just that being cooped up with a toddler all the time is boring for us, (which, holy hell, it is.) It's that we are not supposed to be able to supply everything our children need by ourselves, no one person can be good at everything it takes to raise a happy healthy child.

I used to take mine out everyday and that partly was for myself, for my mental health, for my own support, and there's no shame in that, humans need each other to stay sane and stable

It's ok to be struggling right now, right now is shit.

We have a routine that I plan on the weekend so even if I don't want to do stuff with her its easier to do it because I've already made the decisions around it (decision fatigue is a big thing for me)

I also have an app on my phone called Forest that you can grow tree on and if you look at your phone within a chosen amount of time, the tree dies. I do this and then reward myself with something when I've grown X amount of trees

I realised I wasn't good at 'free play' where there was no structure or purpose to the play, so I found it hard to just sit and play dolls with my daughter.

But I was much better when it was structured play such as making a den with her (which she then played in), making birthday cards for people, baking a cake, playing connect 4, making a picnic together for the park and planting seeds. I think it was because these things were good for us both and for a set amount of time.

Can you do this sort of thing with your child? www.facebook.com/175233203862/posts/10158282831818863/

There might also be local sensory groups/mini professor type things where you will get to interact with an adult whilst doing the activities (online of course).

Can you set up a WhatsApp group with a couple of baby mum friends where you take it in turns to read a story? Or maybe your local library has online activities?

Good luck.