To tell you Covid has made me realise I'm a bad mother.

[Shamelessnamechange9]

I've never been the maternal type or a natural with kids.
I dont know how to interact or play with then like some people can. I just dont have the nack like others do.
However when my son was born 3 years ago, I was full of joy. I was totally fine when he was a baby when he couldn't talk.
Then we he to got to 1 year old, I would take him everywhere. Every group, every soft play, every play date, I was there. At the time I thought I was doing it for his development (which it was in a way) but now I realise it was not to leave me on my own with him and it was to occupy him.

Then Corona comes along. No playgroups, no play dates, no soft play, no parks as weather is rubbish.
So it's me and my boisterous 3 year old and I have never felt as inadequate, guilty and ashamed in my whole life.
He looks at me and wants me to play with his dinosaurs, trucks, play fight, lego, chasies- and i can for 5 minutes then I'll tell myself I'll need to do some house work or this needs to be done.
I'm ashamed to say I go on my phone alot around him, trailing through mumsnet, online shopping cos I'll tell myself I need to get this.
A few times he has took it off me and tells me to get off it and hides it. And I do. Then 10 minutes later I'm on it again.

Truth is, I just find it boring. I'd rather do house work or be on my phone and play with my son. I know I'm depressed with lockdown and have a phone appointment in a week or so.

Has anyone else had anything similar? Or am I just the worst mother in the world?

[quote Shamelessnamechange9]@LizFlowers oh I see. I honestly would rather wash the pots than play with a toddler who will get frustrated with me if I'm not doing it the right way

I thank a lot of suggestions for crafts etc but the fact is, my DS would much better destroy things. Simple things like colouring in, he will try and eat the crayons, fling the paper across the room or go to draw on the furniture.
Same with play doh. He will play nicely for 2 minutes then hes upto mischief and flings it. Hes very energetic [/quote]
That sounds like a lot of pent up energy. It sounds as if some days you aren’t going out if the weather is bad but IME it’s not a good option with young children, boys in particular. Just put on your outdoor clothes and get him out for a run around.as much as possible.

He might be a bit calmer indoors and easier to entertain.

I have such sympathy for those of you with toddlers at the moment. This is not normal life, you are not bad mothers and you just have to try and hang on in there 'til things shift, and they will. Mind you, pandemic or not, imaginative play will ALWAYS make me want to shoot myself in the head, as @FuckOffBorisYouTwat so succinctly puts it.

I feel exactly the same. Used to go out constantly. You're not a bad parent.

I never actually comment or post - but this could literally have been me writing this post. I have a DS who is also 3, and he has reached the 'Mummy, can you play with me?' phase which makes my stomach just cringe as i know it will be building some sort of track and just pushing a train or a car around. All i want to say to him is 'sorry mate, i can't play with you right now as making another train track will be the absolute end of me' but then i look at him and get the 'mum-guilt' and end up making the track and sitting there on my phone as well. I hate playing - i am not good at it, have no energy for it and all i want is to take him to a friends house so i can have a coffee and a chat with my own friend while he can play with her kids!

Doesn't help either that i am in the early stages of pregnancy and i am feeling tired and cranky at the moment, and i just lose motivation to do anything!

My sister created a fun game one long hot summer. It involved her in a t shirt and shorts on her garden sun lounger and her kids with pots of water and paint brushes seeing if they could make a whole leg or arm wet all over before it started to dry. My own kids were desperate to join in when we visited that afternoon. It was lovely and refreshing and we couldn't believe the kids fell for it as we snoozed in the sun occasionally sipping drinks.

I know someone who taught their kids basic back massage hand movements and got them to apply this to her back as part of playing hospitals with them.

Can your child help you with some housework as this might help a little.

I think most young children are getting way more screen time than pre-pandemic. I wouldn't worry about it.

@NotanotherSAHM oh summer that's the one thing that's keeping me going. First lockdown we were in the garden a lot but now it's just cold grey days.
@FuckOffBorisYouTwat I cant say I've thought about shooting myself in the head but definitely packing a bag and fucking off!
@turtletattle a mini trampoline! I might invest in one, he loves bouncing. Thanks for the idea

You are not a bad mother, I think covid as made a lot of people reevaluate their lives. I am childminder and this pandemic has made he decide to look for another job, my children are 12 and 10 and I have not stopped working through any lockdowns, been home schooling and had hubby home working. I am stressed, my family are fed up with having others peoples kids in for 10 hours plus a day , screaming, crying, having temper tantrum after temper tantrum when things don’t suit from one particular child. Roll on new job, getting the house back to ourselves and freeing up so much space taken up by toys etc.

I could have written this post. You aren't a shit mum. It's just that for some parents it isn't mentally stimulating to be constantly playing role play games with a toddler. Perhaps try and have a morning/afternoon where phone goes in a drawer for a few hours and do that regularly- that way you will feel more in control of the scrolling etc. But if you don't want to do that it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. I try to limit my scrolling time to when my DD has screen time for 30 mins after lunch and 30 mins after dinner. Am I always successful? Nope. But I'm trying.

If you are baking, playing and reading it sounds like you are doing loads. But 3 year olds are demanding and however much attention you give them, they will always want more!

I think every mum of a toddler can sympathise with this. I go out for walks with my son for a lot of the same reasons you outline (there are only so many hours in the day a person can play diggers/trains/dinosaurs or do colouring!)

Things feel better after a break, but the housework is unending and needs to be done, so it is hardly "a break" in a relaxing, revitalising sense. If scrolling mumsnet for 20 minutes gives you some headspace, then allow yourself that time.

@FuckOffBorisYouTwat

I hate playing with small children. It made me want to shoot myself in the head. I love doing other stuff but playing is awful.

SAME!!!!! Its mind numbing, I love her more than anything else in the whole world, but no, I don't want to paint/colour/play doh/insert other shit crafty task that I spend ages setting up for her to get bored after five minute here

OP, you're not alone - I'm the same, pre pandemic we would spend most of our time out of the house and this has hit me like a ton of bricks, I had to remove myself from instagram as I was feeling really crap about myself as I felt everyone was doing better than me, so its good to know I'm not alone

there are lots of indoor playground toys on amazon - from peanut balls to teeter poppers, space hoppers, even a roundabout you sit on and spin around, I've even seen stationery toy bikes to pedal. Gorilla gym if you can fix it to a door frame...

Exercise tires toddlers out..The weather is so bleak {UK} and every open space is rammed with people compared to pre covid.

It isn't easy.

The best advice i can give is to try and do things with him you enjoy. Do you enjoy dancing or singing? Put music on and dance with him. Get him to help with the housework. Good luck your not a bad mother cos you dont enjoy playing with toys.

I feel like I could have written this myself except I have an almost 18 month old. Pre pandemic I thought I was doing a great job, lots of outings and classes and fun. Same again in September and October. But now it's just telly and walks around our estate. I also look at my phone constantly which is dumb and I count the minutes down to when my husband gets home.
I didn't sign up for this and I'm trying, but failing

Joining in. My saving grace is also working 2.5 days a week while DS (2 years 3 months) goes to nursery. On my days off, I can do 15 minutes of trains/Duplo at a time, but inbetween he watches a lot of Bing and I talk to friends on Whatsapp/browse Instagram. It is HARD doing this without family, NCT mum friends, cafés, shops and toddler groups.

I definitely agree about the structured day helping. So for DS and I today:

• Long walk jumping in muddy puddles and collecting sticks. Ended up at the park, got home in time for lunch.
• DS 10 minutes of tablet time whilst I made lunch.
• Lunch
• Watch half an hour or so of Kung Fu Panda.
• I’ve bought him a volcano kit to do after lunch. Then he wants to make some fairy cakes.
• Cosmic Kids Yoga or Animal Move (Alexa) before tea.
• Tea and then TV time before bath.

I feel much better when the day isn’t unstructured and DS responds really well for this. Obviously we have time between activities for play, but it’s not endless.

I’d also really, really recommend getting him outside, no matter what the weather. We’ve both got waterproofs and good wellies and just head out regardless. If you’re struggling to persuade him, how about a treasure hunt- spot something red, who can find the smallest stone, biggest leaf etc.

Yes this is how I feel too! I'm sure it's normal but that doesn't stop the guilt! It does not mean you're a bad mum at all. I have a few things I genuinely enjoy doing with my DC though like board games, card games, putting on music and dancing and singing together. There must be types of play you enjoy more than others so perhaps encourage these so you can spend time together in ways you both enjoy. I can't stand playing anything where I have to pretend to be a toy though, I find that kind of play really exhausting! Sentences that start with "mummy pretend you're a..." make me want to poke out my own eyeballs! I'll often get down and start these kind of games with my child but then gradually withdraw and usual just start tidying the toys around instead of actually playing!

I have 3 kids and have always taken them to lots of toddler groups etc prior too Covid. I really don’t enjoy playing with toys but equally the kids need me too play with them so I do things we all enjoy together.

Often these are outdoor things. We go into the garden too play, go for long walks, go too parks and recently have spent hours outside building snowmen, sledging, making snow castles, mixing colours and drawing snow pictures. I also do colouring, drawing etc with them. I time limit my phone though the housework feels never ending. The bonus of being out so much is it reduces the amount of housework I have too do. The key is find what you both enjoy doing together and do that. Also involve your 3 year old in helping with tidying up etc.

Your not a bad parent.

I consider myself a good enough mother but I felt like you when my son was your sons age. He always wanted me to play with his little characters eg fireman Sam etc. I didn’t really know how to play and he would tell me I’m doing it all wrong and we would both get frustrated! Perhaps you could set a timer for say 5/10 minutes and your son will learn that when the timer goes off it’s time for mummy to stop playing and do whatever else mummy needs or wants to do. I wonder what you really enjoy doing and whether he could do that with you?

Has anyone mentioned paper planes?

With targets?

How about one of these spinners? I've never seen a kid not love them:

Bilibo

I also think you can pick a 'theme' and waste some good time that way. Get something he loves - superheroes, Octonauts, whatever - and then make everything about that.

Make a superhero mask or do face-painting
Create a superhero obstacle course
Prepare a superhero meal & snacks
Watch superhero movie whilst eating snacks...

I totally understand the sheer despondency I can hear in your post, and I wanted to give you a little bit of hope. I spent years (DC close together, didn't think that one through obviously ) knowing I was a shit parent to toddlers. Babies - fine, they stay where you put them and don't talk to you "you be the princess and I'll be the dolphin no I want to be the princess you be the dolphin no I want you to be the king" made me fucking despair.

This was before iPads etc too and I still remember the exact feeling of joy relief when the CBeebies bedtime hour came on the TV

BUT. Now mine are older I am absolutely loving it and don't want to jinx it but we have a really good relationship (adult and teenagers) I LOVE the teenage years (even though the stress is high as the stakes are higher eg drugs, knobby BFs etc...) and find it so much easier to "get on" with my DC then when they were little. We laugh loads and they text me every day even if they're not here (just with general stuff or links to a news story etc)

I genuinely believe most people are either a Toddler Kind Of Parent or a Teenage Kind of Parent in terms of enjoying the parenting stages. So please have hope, I actually really enjoy my DC now and look forward to seeing them etc. I am sure it will be the same for you.

(I can't even imagine how much harder it is parenting at the moment too - you are doing a fucking amazing job just getting up in the morning! )

Drawing on patios/fences/pavements with chalk or water?

I am not good with playing/entertaining children at home. Even the older ones. One of the things I'm finding hardest about lockdown is that at home I usually let the kids get on with their own thing but we always had all kinds of fun things we do together and actually, in normal times, I quite like taking one of kids with me to do chores like shopping etc - we chat and laugh and will get a treat after or whatever. DS will finagle a trip to a playground or whatever. But in Covid... obviously none of that is happening and I feel bad because at home I just want to be left alone.

If your DC is very high energy though one tip I will suggest is that no matter what the weather is, drag both of you out first thing in the morning. Go for a walk, take a scooter, hit the playground whatever. You want to burn off some energy before you attempt to do anything like let him colour by himself or whatever.

SIL, whose youngest is v v high energy, is terrible at this but totally admits that if she gets up and takes him out first thing, usually with him riding his scooter and her running alongside, the rest of the day is 1 million times easier for both of them. When the weather is nice (ie not pouring with rain) she gets him outside on the trampoline for as long as she can at a time - and gives him challenges eg number of star or sitting jumps in a row.

The point is that high energy children need to be out and exercised if you want the rest of your day to be bearable. And it's actually good for you too if you can bear it. And even children who are less high energy benefit from this AND it means you can feel a lot less guilty if you then let them watch a bit too much iPad or whatever. Whenever I had to look after the kids all day by myself when they were younger, I always made a point of doing something in the morning - even if it was just a bus ride into town and back - as that stimulation definitely helped them and me to cope with the rest of the day.

Just echoing what pp have said - you sound completely normal and not a bad mother at all! It's hard for those of us with young kids now all the classes and activities are not running.The fact you are being so hard on yourself shows how much you care :)