To tell you Covid has made me realise I'm a bad mother.

[Shamelessnamechange9]

I've never been the maternal type or a natural with kids.
I dont know how to interact or play with then like some people can. I just dont have the nack like others do.
However when my son was born 3 years ago, I was full of joy. I was totally fine when he was a baby when he couldn't talk.
Then we he to got to 1 year old, I would take him everywhere. Every group, every soft play, every play date, I was there. At the time I thought I was doing it for his development (which it was in a way) but now I realise it was not to leave me on my own with him and it was to occupy him.

Then Corona comes along. No playgroups, no play dates, no soft play, no parks as weather is rubbish.
So it's me and my boisterous 3 year old and I have never felt as inadequate, guilty and ashamed in my whole life.
He looks at me and wants me to play with his dinosaurs, trucks, play fight, lego, chasies- and i can for 5 minutes then I'll tell myself I'll need to do some house work or this needs to be done.
I'm ashamed to say I go on my phone alot around him, trailing through mumsnet, online shopping cos I'll tell myself I need to get this.
A few times he has took it off me and tells me to get off it and hides it. And I do. Then 10 minutes later I'm on it again.

Truth is, I just find it boring. I'd rather do house work or be on my phone and play with my son. I know I'm depressed with lockdown and have a phone appointment in a week or so.

Has anyone else had anything similar? Or am I just the worst mother in the world?

Go on pretend holiday. Pack a little suitcase on wheels, imagine where you are going, pack all the essentials. He won't pack clothes, I promise. Draw a picture of you both there to send to daddy/ relative.

I've always been very maternal, choosing to spend loads of time with my friends kids when I was child free myself, but even so I am struggling so much with this lockdown. What you have written in the op is almost word for word how I feel at the moment with DD (3), she is also an only child. My DD is regularly telling me "phone down", I have visions of her in counseling when she's older complaining that I was always looking at my phone instead of her

We have a dog which means in all but the worst weather we have to go out for a decent walk every day, so this is what we do, because I am so bored of the house and DD is too. I then save up any shopping I need from the range for when the weather is terrible and take DD there.

Fortunately DD is in playgroup 3 times a week for 3 hours. I was broken at the beginning of January when they didn't reopen and had no idea when they would.

You say you don't get free child care until April, but can you budget what you save by not going to the zoo, swimming, soft play etc and use that to pay for playgroup or a half day a week in nursery. I didn't intend sending my DD to playgroup 3 times a week (the plan was for 2 sessions) until the free childcare kicked in but I have found the money for it, and it is money well spent for her (socialising with children) and me (a tiny bit of freedom to go for a run, do some decorating, or just drink tea in peace).

Here to say you’re not alone. I’m the same and I feel wretched about it. You’re not a terrible mum, this is a pandemic and it’s super hard. You will both be fine. X

Only skim read so apologies if a pp has already posted this. Would he join in with an adult exercise video? Or dance to music that you enjoy?

Could he dust? Or wash the floor with you? My 2yo liked to wash the floor. Match socks?

I hear you. I found that age tough but at least I could get out and do stuff. The games were so repetitive and he would direct me. Bless him.

Mine is 6 now and it is easier. As others have already said I find if I play for about 20 minutes he is happy if I then say I need to do x. Then repeat across the day.

I still feel guilty about everything of course. But we are all doing what we can to get through the day x

Op the situsiton you are in is not natural! Humans did not evolve to spend all day alone with a toddler - we are communal tribal animals and this lockdown is a horrific unnatural situsiton in an already fragmented world. You didn't go to playgroups just for yourself you did it because it was a natural good situsiton for both you and your child.

The phone thing probably makes you feel shit (I know from experience) is there any way you could make the day a bit easier? Spend a long time on a walk outside. Zoom some friends. Get lots of art stuff out and do your own colouring just to keep the phone away while he is about.

But please don't think you are a bad parent. This is like parenting in a prison.

Agree also that if there is any chance of some paid childcare I would do it for both your sakes.

I think I’m a great mum, and DS3 appears to as well, but I draw the line at playing Lego with him. Or shops.

Pre-lockdown we did stuff like go to the park, go for a bike ride, go swimming, go round a museum or gallery. I didn’t sit on the floor playing the sidekick in his imaginative games (I’m not allowed to go off script either). I hate it.

I took him on his bike to the local town today and we went to the post office, bought him a magazine, and bought some food. Then we went to a park cafe 1/2 mile away and I bought a takeaway coffee. Then home, and he was happy to sit on my lap watching Room on the Broom in the afternoon.

Exhausted him (we walked about 5k), got some chores done for me, and he feels like he’s had three hours of undivided mummy-time without me losing the will to live.

I hated playing with my kids too. Like you, I’m not massively maternal. Not keen on other people’s kids at all!

I used to like doing other stuff with them though, baking, painting etc. They’re young teens now so entertain themselves, in fact I barely see them, they rarely leave their rooms. Don’t feel bad, you’re not crap at all.

This thread is bringing back the horror of setting up massive marble runs that then took over the living room.

Oh god yes, and endless games of the Orchard Lunchbox game.

I’m a bit late to the party OP and have only read your updates so sorry if this has already been mentioned. I’ve seen you are going to get a small trampoline, I had one for my toddler and had it in the living room, it was a godsend! There’s stuff to do outside anyway so I made it an indoor toy. It’s also a great way of building a quick den, he found it fun to make with me and then ate his lunch in it!

I never thought of it like that. Yes we are sociable beings and not meant to live like this. I'm not meant to enjoy activities for toddlers. I guess when I've seen others do it enthusiastically I guess they're putting on an Oscar winning performance.

I have discussed with my DP tonight and we have agreed to go half on a half a day nursery. Its £128 per month. Possibly extra days if our budget allows it. Its definitely needed.

I've also been looking at a puddle suit for him. I plan on taking him out for a walk every day now so he can burn off energy.

I keep thinking, End of March, they may be light at the end of the tunnel.

Re: puddle suits: god yes, buy one and take him outside more. DS is bouncing off the walls (literally - using the sofa as a trampette) if we don’t take him out every day. Christ, I would be losing my mind if he didn’t burn off some energy every morning.

A scooter or balance bike is also worth its weight in gold - lets them zip around instead of you dragging them round on foot.

DS is into nature, which is another non-boring way of occupying them - collecting leaves, feeding the ducks, looking for worms, explaining photosynthesis...

I only know one mum who isn't like this and she is an exception. She is also a professional musician and so I suspect she has a huge amount of patience for monotony and repetition. Most mum's are like you and even in normal times it is very isolating to be with a three year old 24/7. Sign him up to preschool for his free 15 hours

It’s mind numbing nit being able to take them anywhere. Mine are older now but don’t know how I would have coped either.
This is from a well respected book and you should aim for 10 mins a day of CHILD LED PLAY, more difficult than it sounds. Read the notes and it will give you an idea.
www.incredibleyears.com/download/resources/parent-pgrm/basic-program-handouts-child-directed-play-2011.pdf

I dont enjoy that age at all do dont feel bad

The main guidelines.

I refuse to do stuff with the kids5i don't like doing.

I like the following, so I do it :

Park
Cooking
Colouring
Playing at doctors /nurses
Reading/word games

3 is a cool age. Give him a magnifying glass and a notebook - tell him to draw what he sees then you label it I. E. Beetle.

Do what lala said. Forget too much structure

Always remember SIL was flabbergasted when my mum was just planning on 'doing housework' with 3 year old d niece - dusting, tidying a cupboard out, having a brew and a slice of cake. Dniece was in heaven. SIL couldn't believe soft play wasn't mentioned

Then we he to got to 1 year old, I would take him everywhere. Every group, every soft play, every play date, I was there. At the time I thought I was doing it for his development (which it was in a way) but now I realise it was not to leave me on my own with him and it was to occupy him

We have all been there. I used to take mine round IKEA and when they got old enough to go in the free crèche I would put them in for an hour whilst I went to the cafe and had a coffee in peace.
I think I would have gone crazy left on my own with 2 toddlers during this past year.
I would go to the local mall and let them run around the toy department in John Lewis where you could try out all the big toys.
I was under no assumption that I took them out to firstly give me a break , secondly to stop them trashing the house and thirdly to tire them out.

You are not a bad mother at all - just a normal one.

I honestly don't know how I would have coped with mine if they were toddlers during covid. I went back to work because I knew I couldn't cope with being home with a toddler (and that was with playgroups etc). At the weekend dh and I would get out of the house at least one day with our - meeting up with friends and their toddlers to go to the zoo or a walk or anything at all not to be playing at home. We were good parents and our children had a nice childhood.

With regard to the phone thing maybe have a book on tape or radio on in the background instead? That said, I overheard 2 of mine aged 4 and 5 discussing the Dr. Suess book Marvin K Mooney (will you please go now) and who was saying to him please go. I said "It is probably his mum who wants him to go to bed" and one of them said "no I think she wants him to go so she can read her book"

I found this with my eldest, he was, and still is very needy. He wasn’t interested in anything I would set up, crafts, painting etc. He just wanted to boss me about and play on his terms. When we went to a toddler group I would be envious of parents who were able to chat to each other while their children played independently or with each other, while DS would be expecting me to follow him about and still play with him.

Lockdown hasn’t affected DS1 insofar as he isn’t fussed about seeing family or friends or going places, he just wants me at his beck and call. Now he’s a bit older he will play alone for longer periods but it was a hard slog. DS2 has always been happier to entertain himself but he does tend to play alongside watching TV, which does help.

I don’t think we are supposed to enjoy imaginary play as adults, our brains work differently to theirs. I do regret not persevering with trying to get him to play by himself more at an early age, but we are getting there now.

Gosh I could have wrote this today.

My 2.7 year old hid my phone away from me too

It's normal I've now realised from your thread! So thanks for making it before I did!

I had to fold cardboard up for recycling lmao so I told dd to help me and funny enough she had so much fun squashing it down..

So as a pp said.. "bring him into your world"