To tell you Covid has made me realise I'm a bad mother.

[Shamelessnamechange9]

I've never been the maternal type or a natural with kids.
I dont know how to interact or play with then like some people can. I just dont have the nack like others do.
However when my son was born 3 years ago, I was full of joy. I was totally fine when he was a baby when he couldn't talk.
Then we he to got to 1 year old, I would take him everywhere. Every group, every soft play, every play date, I was there. At the time I thought I was doing it for his development (which it was in a way) but now I realise it was not to leave me on my own with him and it was to occupy him.

Then Corona comes along. No playgroups, no play dates, no soft play, no parks as weather is rubbish.
So it's me and my boisterous 3 year old and I have never felt as inadequate, guilty and ashamed in my whole life.
He looks at me and wants me to play with his dinosaurs, trucks, play fight, lego, chasies- and i can for 5 minutes then I'll tell myself I'll need to do some house work or this needs to be done.
I'm ashamed to say I go on my phone alot around him, trailing through mumsnet, online shopping cos I'll tell myself I need to get this.
A few times he has took it off me and tells me to get off it and hides it. And I do. Then 10 minutes later I'm on it again.

Truth is, I just find it boring. I'd rather do house work or be on my phone and play with my son. I know I'm depressed with lockdown and have a phone appointment in a week or so.

Has anyone else had anything similar? Or am I just the worst mother in the world?

It's tough. My son was always very active and demanding (ADHD). I found a routine kept me sane. Breakfast, toddler TV whilst washing dishes or whatever needs doing then out for a long walk. I had a 3 wheeler pram that was good for rougher paths. Then home and he would often sleep for a while after the fresh air. Lunch, then get out something fun like wooden trainset. Set up, play a little while then a few more chores. If it's half decent weather, another walk. We used to collect leaves /pine cones etc. Decorate with water based paint /glitter glue. Those type of easy things.

OP first of all - please be kind to yourself, it's a really difficult time right now

I'm in a similar position, 1 toddler to entertain by myself during day (OH works), nothing open. I also noticed I was on my phone too much. I had to make a conscious effort to put my phone down when DC is awake, which is damn hard because it is so addictive (DC currently is napping, which is why I'm writing on here).

This is what I did - it works for me but it might not work for you...so in my head I split the day into hour chunks. Every hour he's awake I play with him/do crafts/read to him/sing nursery rhymes/go outside for walks etc for 30 minutes out of the 60 minutes. For the other 30 minutes I might have a cup of tea or make food or read a book. Because of age of my DC I have to split it so that it's 15 mins of them entertaining themselves, then 30 mins of Mummy time, then 15 mins of them entertaining themselves, and repeat...because at my DC's age currently they can only entertain themselves for about 15 mins. There is nothing wrong with toddler learning to entertain themselves for some of the time, I think it's good for them. When toddler is napping or in bed in evening, I get my phone out or watch something on TV. So for the 10 hours DC is awake, they get 5 hours of uninterrupted Mummy time - they feel engaged and they seem to enjoy their time with me, but also I get 5 hours in that day with a cup of tea and a book etc or doing housework so I don't feel frazzled and I don't resent DC at all. I can safely say I'm a happy mum and love being with my DC and I'm sure that's because I make sure I get time for myself...but I appreciate others will judge me for not spending every minute of those 10 hours paying uninterrupted attention to my DC. Horses for courses.

Do you like books OP? Reason I ask is, could you swap your phone for a book? I read somewhere once kids like reading more if they see examples of their parents reading books. That makes me feel less guilty if DC sees me reading a book in the same room as them

I hate playing with small children. It made me want to shoot myself in the head. I love doing other stuff but playing is awful.

I adore my DC but playing with them is utterly draining. Especially imaginative play... "Mummy, pretend I'm a Mermaid and you're a Sea Witch and..." UGH!! My heart just sinks every time!

You're not a bad mum, OP. You're perfectly normal. Lockdown is shit and let's be honest, small children are boring. Adorable, loveable, a blessing that I'm very grateful for etc etc but boring nonetheless!

Also agree with previous posters about getting them into your world...since DC reached age of wanting to be involved in everything and 'helping', it's become easier and more enjoyable to do things like the washing up side-by-side, or helping me put washing in the machine etc

Solidarity OP! My DS was 6 weeks old when we first locked down, just turning 1 now. I’m not the mum I thought I would be. I’m not the person I thought I am. I don’t know if I’ll come back from this, actually. Even when (if) the world goes back to normal I’ll always know I’m actually a terrible mother.

There are already some great suggestions in these replies, but I just want to say you are not a bad mother, and you are absolutely not alone.

One of my best friends, the first of us to have children, has a little boy. I remember when he was very small, another friend of ours commented while she was playing with him that she was a natural, born to be a mummy, looked so happy etc, and she turned to her and said (with a slightly manic look on her face) "I do this for hours every day. I am bored out of my brain and it's driving me mad". We were shocked at the time. I think we're all conditioned to believe that motherhood is so fulfilling that we'll never be unhappy again, and if we feel inadequate/bored/sad/lonely/resentful then there must be something wrong with us. Like a magic genetic switch is flipped when you give birth, and suddenly you know how to do all the mum stuff and find it all wonderful. It's nonsense.

Not everyone is a "natural" with children, even some that look like they are are just very good at faking it. I know a few who are great with other peoples children, but certainly couldn't keep it up 24/7 with a child of their own.

The thing I was terrified of was the expectant look in their faces when they expect you to entertain them and you're out of ideas, or the total honesty if they're bored or decide they don't like you/prefer someone else. But you have to remember you are not there as an entertainer, you're a parent.

My dad was occasionally left in sole charge of me when I was very small, and he does not really like children never mind toddlers. He sort of treated me like a small adult. No baby talk. He'd sit me down in front of an old Western that he wanted to watch, or give me a book about birdwatching that I would pretend to read while he sort of lectured me on the contents of it. If he had a glass of beer and I was curious, he'd let me have a sip and tell me about why Belgian beer was so good. He might play me a Beatles album and teach me their names. He even tried to teach me to play chess once when I was about 4 (I still clan't play lol).

I loved it, because children at that age think their parents are the absolute coolest and they want to be involved. Also you have no idea what will spark their interest; just because something isn't specifically aimed at three year olds, it doesn't mean they won't love it. I used to love "helping" my mum in the garden. I had seen all of Fawlty Towers and several old MGM movie musicals by the time I was five, but didn't watch a Disney movie till I was 6 or 7 and was never that fussed about Saturday morning cartoons. It's also (in my opinion) vital to let children get bored occasionally so they learn to use their imaginations and entertain themselves. I have a bit of an issue with on demand TV for this reason.

Please don't put so much pressure on yourself. Parenthood is one long learning curve and nobody is the perfect mum. He is safe and fed, and you are doing your best. X

You are not a bad mother, this is me all over!
My son is 20 months and has just started speech therapy because he’s not talking.

It’s only through the speech therapist giving us play prompts that I realised I wasn’t really playing with him properly like imaginative play. I took him to every baby class and soft play going pre-lockdown but I find it really hard to sit still and play 1-2-1 just me and him (in fact I’m a bit like that with everything to be fair).

My mum made a comment that I always seem to be counting down to nap time and bed time at the moment and she was right, I just like to be on the go and I get bored at home!

I have tried every messy play/craft activity going but my son hates them!

But I’m making a more of an effort since my mum said that and really enjoying it. Always try to fit in a nice long park walk of the morning (where he loves just be feral and cover us in mud) so don’t feel as guilty for watching Peppa before lunch. He likes helping me bake so we do that of a morning too. I have a play tent with a ball pit that I get out of the afternoon and we play with his farm animals. I’m noticing I’m reaching for my phone less and by bath time it hasn’t felt as hard.
None of us signed up to be a mum in these circumstances, you’re doing your best and sometimes it is indeed just boring.

I don’t think independant play is a bad thing. I tend to just tell 13 month old DS to play with his toys when I need a break and provided I’m not doing anything interesting (eg using laptop, phone or drinking coffee) he does go off and do his own thing for a while.

Suggest you reduce phone use around him though, as he’ll soon want to play with the phone / electronics rather than his toys anyway and he needs you to role model controlled behaviour. So maybe try replacing it with a book. If you’re reading your ds may find it boring and go off to play himself.

Totally normal OP! 3 year olds are incredibly boring to be alone with all day without adult company. Can you send him to nursery so you get a break? I’m guessing he’s entitled to the free preschool hours by now?

Now my DD is a bit older I find her much easier to play with, chat to and she doesn’t pester me for attention every 4 minutes. But when she was 3 life was a painful drag and that was without lockdown and uh nursery too!

I find little boys harder to play with tbh, as I have no interest in cars, trains, dinosaurs, wrestling and outer space (I don’t know why they gravitate to these things but my nephews do and my DD and nieces don’t!)

Playing fairy castles or dressing up dolls reminds me of my own childhood a bit so maybe that’s why?

I don't think adults are evolutionary meant to play with their childen for extended periods of time. Do you see any adult animals play with their babies for prolonged periods? No. The babies play with each other.

We are not meant to live in isolated family units. Your toddler is not supposed to be playing with you, but with other toddlers that would have been around if you lived in a tribal village. The adults are there to make sure the toddlers are safe and don't kill each other.

So don't beat yourself up too much. Many of us find small child play mindnumbingly boring. It does not make us bad parents.

If you’re a bad mother then so am I. I’ve never enjoyed playing with my children either. It’s easier now they’re older and we can do more grown up things like watching movies together or play board games.
So, sorry no advice but you’re not the only one.

OP, you are not a bad mother.

I was a SAHM in the days before screens. I loved it. This is how we spent our time: toddler groups, NCT coffee mornings, friends' houses, having friends over, library, soft play, walking to the shops.

Every single one of these meant leaving the house and being with other people.

I have absolutely no idea how I would have managed in your situation - and that's coming from someone who loved playing with the children when they were toddlers.

We also went the park, for long walks, adventure playgrounds, etc, etc, etc - but they were a choice. They weren't a chore or the only option. If it was raining, I could take them swimming or to Ikea (amazing how much small children get excited by Ikea).

I am finding lockdown and young adult children very, very difficult - and that's nowhere near as hard as being more ore less housebound with younger ones.

Just by getting through the day, you are doing well. Things will get better once the world opens up again.

I think so many of us could have written this, pretty much word for word, ourselves. You're doing great! No adult in their right mind wants to play with dinosaurs for an extended period of time (unless they do, and that's cool). We are bored in our homes and long for adult conversations.

I’m a great mum but I think I would have lost my tiny mind parenting a toddler in lockdown. Luckily my girls are 10 and 14 so I don’t have to play pretend all damn day.

That kind of make believe was always so hard and I could only manage 10 minute bursts.

It’s really not a problem but lockdown is unnatural and it’s throwing up these extra stressors.

Just keep swimming and know there’s nothing wrong with you.

I'm so relieved that other people feel like this. Nursery suggested I do more imaginative play with DS as he's developmentally delayed but I find it so boring. I used to love exploring different museums, galleries etc; swimming, gymnastics etc and I miss being with other parents.

I have a 3.5yo and a 3 month old at home in lockdown and I'm gong fucking spare. I'm so bored.

Hopefully this thread will make you realise that a lot of us feel the same way and it doesn't make you a bad mum. We're not meant to be locked in with them all day every day. Playgroups and play dates exist for a reason - to stop parents of toddlers losing their minds!

Oh god yes, toddler groups are for the parents (mostly mothers) not the kids! They're the one time you get coffee and toast made for you and you actually get to eat it whilst it's still hot.

Oh honey, this is you and just about every other parent in the world right now!

Taking your child out, socialising with them, watching them experience new things is part of parenting, and it’s totally OK for you to favour those parts over other parts!

This is exactly me too. I have to make a huge effort to ‘play’ with my children and I’m finding it so monotonous and difficult.

But that’s OK. We didn’t become parents because we thought we’d be amazing 100% at every aspect of parenting. The world will go back to normal and we’ll get the parts back we enjoy

YANBU. It's bloody boring: I'm not an arty crafty mum and I'm struggling to find stuff to do. Plus their attention span only lasts about 10 mins

Enrol him at pre-school when you can. He will be around other kids, get lots of stimulation and you can have some time to yourself

This thread is making me feel so much better! I normally work four days a week and I absolutely cherish my Friday off with DS (2.5), best day of my week. I've found it a bit less joyful during COVID but still ok, so I thought I'd be fine - a bit tired, but fine - if I took him out of nursery once I started mat leave for DC2 to reduce risk of catching COVID. It's now been three weeks, I'm 39 weeks pregnant and feel like the worst mother - I am hating it and while obviously the pregnancy makes it worse I don't think that's the whole issue, it's just that I am SO BORED. I never thought I was cut out to be a SAHM but I didn't think I'd be like this after three weeks (and - full confession - DH also works four days a week, like me, so I'm actually only on my own for four days a week, not the standard five). I keep trying to remind myself that it would be different if I could see other people - I have so many wistful fantasies of just being able to go to my parents, where I know they'd feed me tea and cake and insist I sat down all afternoon to get a break while my dad played with DS...! Each day feels like Groundhog Day and I feel like my brain might dribble out my ears soon.

I don't think giving birth makes you want to play with plastic dinosaurs. Please don't think you are the worst, or else I am down there with you! We are keeping them mostly clean, safe, fed in a comfortable environment.
I don't like playing, but I do read them bit of books (not all day and sometimes I can only find ones I like ;-) ) and when everything opens I will provide them plenty of playing opportunities (with other people).

If he’s over 3 could you not use the free hours and put him in nursery? Then he’ll at least get played with and get stimulation and socialisation there.

Please do play with him; he may grow up feeling quite rejected if you don’t. It’s only for a few short years while he’s small, then he’ll entertain himself more when he’s bigger. Please don’t make him feel like he bores you or is in the way. It’ll really damage him. It’s telling that he takes your phone away; that’s really sad.

It is hard and boring. I find it really dull! But I just pretend and throw myself in to it. Also make sure you go out every day to the park or for a walk, and talk enthusiastically about what you see.

I don’t usually judge or criticise anyone else’s parenting - it is really hard and often boring - but you, and your DP if you have one, really should play with your child and show enthusiasm. It’s a basic part of parenting, and your child deserves a loving and supportive Mum. Please just try, for his sake. You can go on your phone all you like when he goes to bed of an evening - but you’ll never get back these years when he’s little.

you’ll never get back these years when he’s little.

That's really helpful advice, I bet OP has been parenting in the assumption that she'll be able to time travel so it's great that you've let her know that time is linear

you’ll never get back these years when he’s little.

That's really helpful advice, I bet OP has been parenting in the assumption that she'll be able to time travel so it's great that you've let her know that time is linear hmm

This

@Hardbackwriter

you’ll never get back these years when he’s little.

That's really helpful advice, I bet OP has been parenting in the assumption that she'll be able to time travel so it's great that you've let her know that time is linear

Agreed. 'youll never get those years back' is the sure fire way to make a guilty mother feel even worse about herself. Men don't seem to be told the same