To tell you Covid has made me realise I'm a bad mother.

[Shamelessnamechange9]

I've never been the maternal type or a natural with kids.
I dont know how to interact or play with then like some people can. I just dont have the nack like others do.
However when my son was born 3 years ago, I was full of joy. I was totally fine when he was a baby when he couldn't talk.
Then we he to got to 1 year old, I would take him everywhere. Every group, every soft play, every play date, I was there. At the time I thought I was doing it for his development (which it was in a way) but now I realise it was not to leave me on my own with him and it was to occupy him.

Then Corona comes along. No playgroups, no play dates, no soft play, no parks as weather is rubbish.
So it's me and my boisterous 3 year old and I have never felt as inadequate, guilty and ashamed in my whole life.
He looks at me and wants me to play with his dinosaurs, trucks, play fight, lego, chasies- and i can for 5 minutes then I'll tell myself I'll need to do some house work or this needs to be done.
I'm ashamed to say I go on my phone alot around him, trailing through mumsnet, online shopping cos I'll tell myself I need to get this.
A few times he has took it off me and tells me to get off it and hides it. And I do. Then 10 minutes later I'm on it again.

Truth is, I just find it boring. I'd rather do house work or be on my phone and play with my son. I know I'm depressed with lockdown and have a phone appointment in a week or so.

Has anyone else had anything similar? Or am I just the worst mother in the world?

I can’t imagine how hard it is as my DS is a teenager. You are not a bad Mum.

I remember making a zoo for DS animals. You could make a dinosaur world for his dinosaurs.

Get a big piece of card and colour it in. You could make paper mache mountains, use old packaging, cut up a washing up sponge, make a lake using a piece of silver foil.

We used to like making collages out of leaves and twigs.
Cutting up magazines and making pictures.
Roll of lining paper and painting own hands and feet, messy though!
Basically doing crafts made playing more bearable.

I hate hate hate imaginative play. I just can’t do it. I can manage a couple of games of dominoes or half an hour play doughing but fuck me hand me a baby and tell me I’m the mummy and I go blank.

My 3 year old is pretty good at not asking me now and playing those types of games and I try and make sure when she does ask to play dominoes or similar that I do a few games with her. She also likes to help me empty/fill the dishwasher and I can just about cope when she plays cafes and I just have to sit on the sofa and order food then pretend to eat it.

P.s. as I wrote this I am hiding in the shower room to avoid the monotony of home schooling.....we are all feeling jaded and tired. You are not alone.

We aren't meant to Parent alone. That's why there's the saying 'it takes a village'

I like being a Mum when being a Mum means days out, holidays, school/nursery/childcare/babysitters so I can do other things sometimes, play dates, soft play, meals out, shopping trips, cafes, trips to the library, museum, farm, woods, beach, gallery, theatre, cinema, bowling, music class, dance class, sports class, swimming, a gym session while they are in the crèche, round to a friends house, friends round ours, sitting on the front steps while my kids play out with the neighbours, community activities, church activities, days at the grandparents, weekends away to visit family and friends, holiday activities, messy play sessions, trips to the children's centre for groups or weighing, a mooch round the charity shops or a trip to donate to them, a trip to the barber/hairdresser, even doctors and dentist appointments.

But days shut in with a park trip then home to clean up the mud (again!), cleaning, playing, and TV for days. Yeah, that's dull as fuck and I'm over to. I am not a home body, nor are my kids. We like people and new experiences and variety and novelty and community and all those wonderful things. We need our village back, that's all!

I feel the same. I have a 4 and a 3 year old. Pre-pandemic they were both in nursery and I went to work. We would do fun things together after work / on weekends. There were times I felt like I missed out (like when their nanny took them to a farm during summer holidays). Then the pandemic hit and we were all together all. The. Time. And we couldn’t do fun things like playgrounds, zoos, farms. It’s tough and it’s abnormal. I do some playing with them (particularly if they ask) but I also need some time to myself. I also try to get them to help out, eg folding laundry, putting it away, vacuuming partly because I lived with flatmates in my twenties who didn’t know how to do these things and I didn’t want my kids to be the same.

Maybe see if you can get him a place in nursery? My daughter LOVES it. She’s off at the moment as she has a cold and she keeps on saying she wants to go back. They do so many fun activities, they get to play with other children and it means that you have some time to yourself

When I was like this I broke the day up into half hours and had a proper routine that helped me get through the day plus a ruddy great big after lunch film where you could get 90 mins back and just rock gently on the loo or some other private space - or nap while he watches.

The the suggestions above are good - have a half hour activity in each room - rather like a home nursery. Dont have all the toys out at once. You then only have to get through to the next thing. Alternate activities where you need to do something and those where you can just 'thats nice dear' from across the room.

I remember having a kitchen cupboard just full of toddler stuff and play food - but don't let them choose - be more in control of the day with a routine and you will feel better.

You are NOT a bad mother. The pandemic has made everything very hard and you are shut indoors together in a way that isn't balanced with outside activities.

Also I very much remember that frustrated feeling of not being able to do chores or WFH properly because of looking after a toddler but on the other hand, just looking after a toddler all day is very lonely and demanding. You can't win! No wonder people go out and do group activities; it's not so isolating and demoralising (and I say that as someone who loved all the messy crafts and imaginary play).

Op, what you are feeling is totally normal and nothing to do with not being maternal enough or a "natural" mother; we are all individuals with different strengths and weaknesses.

Could you consider going back to work p/t? So there is more balance to your life?

Hope you get the support you need from your gp and that your appt goes well

Mine are older but I'm crap too. I've never been the best but I'm just completely hopeless atm.

But is it surprising? The pandemic has taken a massive toll on my life, my prospects, my mental health. How can I do everything, I'm running on empty. I've not had a shower yet today, just sat working in bed on my laptop.

Try and be kind to yourself.

I used a timer.

I set it for X minutes - and that is my focus time with him (and I tell him that).

Then Y minutes & I do something else (& he is told he has to wait for the ring for questions).

Rinse and repeat.

I found sprints much more do-able than marathons - and it was less rejecty for him - because he always had the security of knowing when he would next have my unidivided attention,

Playing with a toddler can be mind numbingly dull! I don’t think you’re supposed to enjoy it - it’s another chore that you do to make them happy rather than because you want to! There are certain things I really don’t do and lots of other things I don’t mind too much. The only thing I really love is reading to them.

Check out busy toddler on instagram for loads of great pre school type activities and then you can make yourself a little timetable for the day to include screen time and time when he plays alone and you get on with other stuff / chill out. It feels more manageable that way. You’ll end up with a few favourite activities after a week or so that will be easy to wheel out every now and then.

On rainy days I restrict mine to a few ‘supervised’ activities a day (e.g. painting/ messy stuff) a long bath with toys, a bit of one to one time, like reading stories etc. Then the rest of the time he potters around while I get on with my own thing and we chat and I interact with him while I’m doing my own thing (mainly cleaning!) He watches too much tv but we’ll make up for that when the weather is better!

Yanbu. I had a sneaking suspicion I was a shit mother all along (after the infancy stage anyway), and lockdown has proved me right. I don't like 'playing' much. Son does. I love to read, do school work etc. Son doesn't. So the ipad does the parenting.

My saving Grace has been working part time and that nurseries haven't shut. Honestly without that I don't know where I'd be. That and support/childcare bubbles. If you can get some nursery sessions of form a childcare bubble absolutely do it. If you're a single parent (or know a single parent who doesn't have a bubble) then a support bubble with someone.

The combination of loneliness, boredom and having to be in responsible parent mode all the time is soul destroying honestly. You can't escape into properly into even Tv properly Because you are watching them all the time. So having one eye on them and one on your phone is often the closest thing to a break.

Be gentle with yourself. We are parenting in fucking weird circumstances. It sounds like you are doing tour best x

YABU to say you are a bad mother. Contrary to how people think of it, there was no golden age when mums were down on their hands and knees interacting with their kids from dawn till dusk, in fact parents today interact far more with their kids than in the past and we all survived that.

People forget that historically mums were either rich enough to pay someone else to keep an eye on their kids as they grew up, or busy with household tasks, or else working outside the house. This child centered society is quite a new thing, before mums entered the workforce in large numbers, the household was probably seen as more important to a mother than her kids - even to my generation (born late 70s) my mum would have been putting us in a playpen while she did the housework.

What I'm saying is, kids don't have to have constant interaction. And yes, they can be boring.

You're not a bad mum, you're just in a really tough situation and feeling the pressure of unrealistic expectations from society.

Im here to second @AmelieTaylor. Things that saved my sanity.
Computer console games suitable for kids you can play with them.
Baking
Puzzle books - theres some good ones you can do online or print off
Reading
Movies that you can tolerate like Shrek or Toy story. Make a bit of an event of it, make some goodies to eat first then sit down.
Carpet picnic
If youve got a garden do a bird watch, you can print off sheets from the RSPB
Treasure trail in the other room or garden
Build a blanket fort.
Try and get out everydaý, even if its raining. I feel your pain OP. My youngest had ASD and the attention dpan of a goldfish. They are all grown now, thank God !! You are just a normal, bored shitless parent!

You're a parent, not Barney the Dinosaur! Go easy on yourself, OP.
It's also very, very, painfully Groundhog Day-ish, this past year is

You don't have to become the actual soft play centre in lieu of the one covid has shut down.
Hugs, love, snuggles, food, bath, sleep, rinse, repeat. Just love your little one. That's all we can do is love.
I've never been Mr. Tumble with my kids. Once they reach 5, I really come to life as a mother. That doesn't mean I build dens and dress up as Mr. Tumble's aunt Polly. I'm probably more Aunt Polly from Peaky Blinders. I'd make a terrible nursery worker.

Perfectly natural IMO. I have a three year old. Like pps say, dedicate 20 solid minutes per day to intently play with him. I do it early in the morning then get on with doing housework/sitting on my phone without guilt and they're much less needy and happy to potter about. I also have a four year old though and they've recently started playing together (after 2 years of constant bickering/toy grabbing) so I know I'm lucky in that sense. I think necessity has forced them to get along 😄. It would be harder with one.

Some adults are brilliant at playing. My mother is amazing I have no idea where she gets the energy/patience. However most adults find it mind-numbingly boring - because it is! Bring on the return to preschool.

I hate free play/imaginary play. My children are older now and know that. I love board games though and so play a lot of throes with them.

I use to feel really guilty and now I embrace it. There are parents who are baby groups, going swimming, soft play (me). I love being out and about and having play dates. My DH is the opposite and doesn’t go out much, but is brilliant with imaginative play.

It’s a rubbish time. If he watches a lot of tv at the moment it’s not the end of the world. The weather is improving, things will start to open up and you can go back to doing what you want.

Do get off the phone though (says she on it). Put in a room and say you won’t look at it for an hour or so. I say that more for your own Mh. Scrolling through social media won’t help if you are down.

If you spend 20-30 minutes properly engaged and getting them going with an activity, like duplo, painting or play doh, even arranging their plastic animals into a "zoo" or something - then they can usually carry on by themselves for a while afterwards. It's worth the investment of showing them how to play with something and planting a few seeds of ideas. When you give feedback, always add something they can do next.

Can you stick a lot of ideas in a jar and pick one out each day after you have been for a walk. Then you don't get stuck in the rut of asking them what they want to do and them only being able to think of the thing you did the day before.

Put the phone away, it's making things worse for you and your son. You'll be surprised how much difference it makes (I had to actually break mine - by accident - to find out).

You are not a bad mother, it is a steep learning curve and made so much harder by the pandemic. Good luck.

Put your phone away. You’ll soon find you are so much more interested in your child and loads of other things in your house. Trust me. Phones are soul suckers. Leave your phone in your room when you get up in the morning. Check it at lunch time, then again when he Goes to bed. Honestly. Your mums net and online shopping can wait until the evening.

It's all about perception.

I am exactly like you and I am an awesome mum!

Don't beat yourself up, playing cars with a three year old boy is so boring!

Start them off then let them crack on. Play doh entertained mine for quite a while, YouTube has cool play doh videos too that he used to watch, get inspiration then try and make the shapes. I would sit next to him drinking tea, on my ipad making coo and aaahh lovely noises every now and then.

Then watch a Disney, as they are for all years. Then make him dust, while you hoover. Let him chop the mushrooms with a butter knife while you make dinner.

Just do little things like that to get you through, not wanting to play cars is so normal.

Don't be so hard on yourself, this lockdown is incredibly hard. I'd suggest giving him a time in the day when you play, and then a time to plan other things you need to get done. Your doing a great job. We are nearly through this, keep going x

You are not a bad mother.

It’s hard, it’s a slog day in day out and while some people are good with toddlers and young children some aren’t.

Don’t best yourself up, it won’t help. Keep trying the best you can.

Im with you OP!
My 3 year old takes phone off me aswell.
A couple of things that help:
Bath time in the afternoons and double it up as water play. Added benefit is that early evening i have more time as bath is out of the way.
My toddler will watch some grown up TV with me. He likes cooking shows, James May's man lab, music shows like old TOTP. That gives us snuggle time, but is still stimulating for my brain.

I don't have kids - but DBro and DSIL have a 2.5 year old - very advanced for his age.

DSIL when he was first born and she was on maternity leave loved taking him to various musical and baby groups but she did get bored (she'd never say this openly!) after a while - she told me. She found it relentless but then again she's someone who has to be on the go 24-7.

Since he's been about 6 months old he's been in nurseries and they've temporarily moved out of London to countryside and due to Covid scare at the nursery and also families health issues he currently isn't at nursery but will be going back soon. My DB is currently looking after him and it's full on - he's also at the 'Why?' stage and on walks will wander off and not come back!

It's also harder because they're living with DSIL's DPs one of whom is in a wheelchair so when they're downstairs (in a large house) space and running around can be an issue.

Don't feel guilty.

I always hated imaginative play. I could read stories, make things, bake, anything but pretending to make toys do things. Though making dinosaurs eat each other is quite fun and usually gained squeals of laughter.

Raaaar I am a Tyrannosaurus rex and I am going to eat you! Nom nom nom!
No! Don't eat my sister you horrible T rex!
Quick dinosaur battle, dramatic death noises. Dead T Rex.

Or pterodactyl would steal a baby dinosaur.

I thought I'd be a great sahm. I retrained when DD was 18 months and got my job when she was 2.5yo. I don't regret it.