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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What happens when your teenager runs away?

234 replies

OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 14:41

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again. Hmm
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

OP posts:
Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 14:42

And he's gone.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 30/01/2021 14:43

Call the police

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 14:43

Yes.

As I said.
But what I asked, is what happens then?

OP posts:
Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 15:05

No one?

This hasn't happened to anyone on MN before? Shock

OP posts:
Toorapid · 30/01/2021 15:09

What do you mean?

It depends why he left and where he's gone. Children who are regularly missing often end up vulnerable to exploitation and should be treated as victims, but as the activities the are exploited into are usually illegal, there's a fine line and police approach varies.

I should be that work is done with the family to support them and him and protect him, but access to that varies too.

Thesearmsofmine · 30/01/2021 15:09

The police will tell you what to do next. I would contact his friends and maybe send DH to local places he may have gone to see if he can spot him, so parks, retail park etc.

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 15:15

@Thesearmsofmine

The police will tell you what to do next. I would contact his friends and maybe send DH to local places he may have gone to see if he can spot him, so parks, retail park etc.
He wouldn't come home if DH found him.

Police are out looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 15:16

I guess I mean, if/when the police find him do they just drop him home and that's the end of it?

This must happen all the time, I bet they roll their eyes at another one.

OP posts:
MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 30/01/2021 15:17

Probably will just drop him home. They deal with it a lot.

Santaiscovidfree · 30/01/2021 15:18

When I rang the police on my ds he stayed with my exh. Not his df.. Emergency foster care was mentioned..

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 15:19

@Santaiscovidfree

When I rang the police on my ds he stayed with my exh. Not his df.. Emergency foster care was mentioned..
By you or the police?
OP posts:
Toorapid · 30/01/2021 15:19

Yes, they'll take him home, often knowing that they're leaving him somewhere unsuitable (not saying that's the case here, but it often is) and that he'll soon be missing again.

The bar for any social care intervention for teens is staggeringly high (low?) Sad

sadpapercourtesan · 30/01/2021 15:20

It does happen a lot! Teenagers are a volatile bunch.

The police will bring him home, that would be the usual outcome. They may have a stern word with him first and he'll probably arrive home looking sheepish.

The only complication I can think of would be that he says something inflammatory about you/his home life - I have one who did this, when he was going through his shitty 16yo phase. That could trigger a SS referral or some probing from the police.

Ruddyfedup · 30/01/2021 15:20

A call handler will take all the information from you, an inspector will review it and grade him a low medium or high risk missing person. An officer will come over and take details around why he left, what was said, friends, places hes likely to go etc and search the house (has to be done!) Control room usually calls and or texts him. Area tours will be done, doors knocked on friends, cctv, BTP and buses made aware of his description if relevant. Thats for a medium risk, high risk is usually a bit more frantic and have extra steps. An officer will de brief him when found, where was he, was he victim of a crime whilst missing etc

Coolieloach · 30/01/2021 15:21

The police will find him and bring him home. He will probably come home on his own anyway. I would give him his phone back and try and work things out. 14 is a really tricky age and he’s probably struggling with his emotions and hormones.

Fastedbrownie · 30/01/2021 15:22

Tell them I love them and make sure they have their keys. If you don't get into a power play about it there's a 98% chance they'll be back within a day.

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 15:23

@Coolieloach

The police will find him and bring him home. He will probably come home on his own anyway. I would give him his phone back and try and work things out. 14 is a really tricky age and he’s probably struggling with his emotions and hormones.
That's the thing, he had only just got his phone back yesterday after the whole escaping out the window in the middle of the night.

I'm not giving his phone back because it sends the message "run away and you'll get exactly what you want in return"

OP posts:
sapnupuas · 30/01/2021 15:25

Is your son the boy who was caught messing around with trollies? Not that it's relevant to this thread, but just for background?

Oysterbabe · 30/01/2021 15:27

My older sister did this at the same age. It happened a few times and she ended up going to a foster home for a short time. She seemed to come round after that and grew into a perfectly reasonable older teen.

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 15:30

@sapnupuas

Is your son the boy who was caught messing around with trollies? Not that it's relevant to this thread, but just for background?
That's the one!
OP posts:
Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 15:32

@Oysterbabe

My older sister did this at the same age. It happened a few times and she ended up going to a foster home for a short time. She seemed to come round after that and grew into a perfectly reasonable older teen.
This might actually help to be honest. Because I'm bloody lost at the moment.

We have a good family life, me and his dad are still together, both in professional roles, big enough house that the kids have their own rooms.
We have a really good relationship with him most of the time, he tells me a lot of things (and I'm sure a lot of stuff he doesn't!) we have a laugh, we often play board games together.

And we are still fucking it all up.

I keep saying to DH, if we turned back time I don't actually know where we could get it right?

OP posts:
Toorapid · 30/01/2021 15:38

I'm not giving his phone back because it sends the message "run away and you'll get exactly what you want in return"

Hmm, this was the approach I took with my DC for most of their childhoods, no means no, tantruming won't work etc and it's effective, but I think with teens you need to start giving them more adult responsibility and autonomy if you want them to behave more like adults. Would you respond well to your phone being confiscated for so long because you made a mistake, especially atm when our means of communication are so important?

I always found that when mine had rebellious periods, it was more effective to give them more freedom and responsibility (in a managed way) than to take it away. The rebellion was almost their way of saying they needed it.

ItsJustARide · 30/01/2021 15:39

I used to do run away (30 years ago mind) due to abuse at home and was put on an “at risk” register. My parents were told by the police if I went again I’d have been put into emergency care. So yes this happens and quicker than you’d think. I turned 16 not long after though and left home.

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 15:47

@Toorapid

I'm not giving his phone back because it sends the message "run away and you'll get exactly what you want in return"

Hmm, this was the approach I took with my DC for most of their childhoods, no means no, tantruming won't work etc and it's effective, but I think with teens you need to start giving them more adult responsibility and autonomy if you want them to behave more like adults. Would you respond well to your phone being confiscated for so long because you made a mistake, especially atm when our means of communication are so important?

I always found that when mine had rebellious periods, it was more effective to give them more freedom and responsibility (in a managed way) than to take it away. The rebellion was almost their way of saying they needed it.

He had a good amount of freedom and responsibility.

And he ended up smoking weed, climbing on top of his school roof, trashing tesco car park and being arrested at 4am.

I totally heart what you're saying. But I can't respond to that with more freedom and responsibility.

This is just a carry on from that fall out.

OP posts:
ChronicallyCurious · 30/01/2021 15:56

I think if all depends on circumstances and where he ends up. I ran away twice when I was younger. Once when I was 13 and the police found me and brought me back home. Once when I was 15 (approx 8 years ago) for a short time. Police were looking for me, I also didn’t have a phone as my Mum had taken it away so they contacted school and all of my known friends and their parents at the time. I ended up staying at my friends house where her Mum was happy to have me. I told them I wasn’t going home and they were satisfied I was being looked after and left me there. I ended up back home after a few weeks.