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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What happens when your teenager runs away?

234 replies

OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 14:41

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again. Hmm
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

OP posts:
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 30/01/2021 20:22

Glad he's been spotted, OP. I hope he's back soon. Sounds like he will be.

Don't take his phone. He has precious little social interaction right now.

I suggest, when everything has calmed down a bit, you have a talk and really listen to what he has to say, even if you think it's shit. You mention you and his dad still being together, having good jobs and a nice house and everything, and that's exactly what my parents used to say...but they were fucking things up very badly nonetheless. I'm not saying you are too, I've no idea, I'm just saying that for whatever reason, that's not enough for him right now and if you want to address his behaviour, you have to understand, really understand, where it's coming from. Again, I'm absolutely not accusing you of anything, just saying it can be so damaging just to dismiss behaviour as "they're a teenager so they're being a shit, no other reason, nothing I could improve on, nothing apart from their own inherent failings on account of being a teen".

Good luck, I'm sure he will be back soon if he isn't already.

Nonamesavail · 30/01/2021 20:54

Teenagers are hard work OP. Thinking of you. X

DrMadelineMaxwell · 30/01/2021 21:04

Our 16yo dd walked out at 10pm in April and we had to call the police when we couldn't find her. They found her at 2am 5 miles away after initially thinking that she'd stay local!

They told us (even in lockdown when we weren't allowed in each others' houses) that if she was with a friend and safe and didn't want to come home they would probably not make her.

She left due to her MH taking a bashing during lockdown 1 and feeling like she had to 'get away' rather than because she was in trouble or arguing with us, and it got her a speedy camhs referral.

Boomboombroom · 30/01/2021 21:14

I think I get you.

Are you asking what to do once he’s back???

Chat with him, ask him why he went (which you obviously know), and then ask him if this was the reasonable thing to do.

Nameandgamechange123 · 30/01/2021 21:52

This sounds like a nightmare. Teens have historically not been easy so even if you're the best parent in the world, there can still be drama! Some kids are finding kickstand a really frustrating time. Perhaps he is processing his emotions in a deranged teenage sort of way. Good luck...... I hope he returns safely

Nonamesavail · 30/01/2021 22:38

Any news?

Yebanksandbraes · 30/01/2021 22:51

Thinking of you and hoping your DS is home soon 💐

Spidey66 · 30/01/2021 23:43

The police may tip off social services. I work in community mental health, so a bit different, but we often get what are known as Merlin reports from the police, tipping us off if someone's come to their attention who may need our support. Sometimes we act on it, sometimes not. I imagine they may do similar for other vulnerable people eg teens.

BlueTimes · 30/01/2021 23:53

I hope he is safely home soon. Is family therapy an option for you?

nottomgates · 30/01/2021 23:56

I think when he’s home say you’re glad he’s home safe and that you were very worried. I’d have a chat and use a lot of ‘I’ sentences. Like
I was worried for you and I was scared for your safety.
Then I’d ask DS how can we fix this? How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again? What could have been done differently? How can we move forward.
Listen to the response.
If they say things you don’t agree with or are unable to do. Then you need answers like I can see why you think that/ said that, and I will consider what you’ve said. But for now I think we’ll hit the reset button. I am hoping we can be more mindful of respecting each other and we can have today in mind and try not to reach this point again.
I’d give them an exit strategy and tell them that if they’re ever wanting space - this is ok and agree to them visiting Gran/ uncle/ aunt- someone they like and who you know will be trusted to keep them safe until things settle. They do rash things and having a place to go might stop him hanging around in the wrong places.
I hope he’s back. You must be so worried.

mootymoo · 31/01/2021 00:05

Please be assured you are not alone. My local police beat officer team's number was programmed into my phone due to the number of times I had to call them about my dd. She has a number of mental health issues as well as being autistic and ran away a lot, generally late at night. The good news is it's now 3 years since any of that behaviour, they generally grow out of it. We were offered a residential placement if we felt we couldn't cope but didn't go ahead as we know how scarce those places are and at least (at the time) there were 2 of us and we could afford private therapists (her dad has since left me and she now is very close to me).

I hope he's back safe and well. One idea which we used was giving her a payg basic phone when she had her phone removed as punishment. We didn't take it routinely at night though unless her behaviour required proper punishment.

Boatonthehorizon · 31/01/2021 00:45

Be careful. I know youre both angry but I'm sure youd be devastated to lose him.
My brother died (on the streets) in a very situation. He was 18 when he died but had been in situation like yours/ off and on streets/ sofas since 14. Its easy for them to get in with VERY bad people, drugs etc.

HappyFlamingo · 31/01/2021 03:07

Is he ok OP?

Nat6999 · 31/01/2021 03:34

I went through the same type of thing with ds between ages 13-15, he is ASD & struggled with mental health as well as all the teenage hormones etc. He would climb out the living room window when I had gone to bed (I'm disabled with ME/CFS & often go to bed early) I would go in the living room to tell him to go to bed & he would be gone leaving the living room window wide open. It was only my neighbour seeing him that told me which way he went, off to dad's. He actually left home by stealth age 14, moved in with his dad for a year until his dad threw him out after an autistic meltdown & he came home. He is 17 now & totally different, he has had 6 months of therapy with a psychologist & regular sessions at a youth mental health drop in. Give your boy space, investigate if there is any kind of youth mental health support that does phone or zoom sessions during lockdown, give him a list of places he can speak to someone.

SD1978 · 31/01/2021 03:41

I remember your last thread- and your belief that before that incident, there had never been any problems- and that the consensus of some responses was that there probably was, however this was the first time he'd been caught, as opposed to the first time it had happened. The boys involved last time- are they newer friends or an established group which have started to escalate their behaviour? Did they all receive similar punishments for the last incident? I hope they find him quickly, but I also would t be ignoring this, or not expecting him to take responsibility. Are you able to limit his contact, at least partially with the group of friends he has? I understand that your perception is everything has been fine up until the last 2 weeks, but I'd find that unlikely.

caringcarer · 31/01/2021 04:03

Hoping your ds is safe. Hoping you are ok too.

FortunesFave · 31/01/2021 04:12

I agree that you need to give him his phone back. Isolating him from his friends won't help.

He'll keep running.

LizFlowers · 31/01/2021 04:57

You took his phone away two weeks ago because he sneaked out and got into a bit of strife. I would have thought two weeks without it was long enough, frankly, why were you taking it off him again? Being grounded for a month is a bit too long (though we are in lockdown). I mean, he misbehaved but nobody died.

I expect he'll come home soon enough when he's let off some steam. He has no money after all.

I used to run away from home and be missing for weeks. I often think about those times and wish I'd planned it all better and stayed away.

Travelledtheworld · 31/01/2021 05:04

@OBitchPeas I am sorry you are going through this.
Ignore those posters who are blaming you. It's NOT your fault.
Some teenagers brains are just wired like this.
You will get more support and helpful information on the Teenagers forum. I hope you have had some positive news and have been able to sleep.

Onedropbeat · 31/01/2021 05:09

Hope he’s home soon and things improve Flowers

Asthesayinggoes · 31/01/2021 05:15

Some children don't respond to restrictions. A more corroborative approach might work better?

Asthesayinggoes · 31/01/2021 05:23

I was reared by physical assault. I reared my dd on my own with the only approach being that I allowed her a voice and never abused her. A very vocal one I reared lol. Don't get me wrong, she spent a long time in 'time out' aged 3 but she could tell me the injustice of said incarceration - and did!
She does not respond to reprimands or punishments whatsoever.

What she responds to is praise and being in control of her life I suppose. She's a pure rebel at heart.
You can parent a child like this I think. You just have to let them feel that they have an input into what is going on.

Asthesayinggoes · 31/01/2021 05:27

Said child's teachers are convinced that she will end up either in media or law. Sometimes, it's just a way of parenting that might be unusual to others. Not all children respond to the same discipline.

lovelemoncurd · 31/01/2021 05:28

Give him his phone back op! You're wasting precious police time that could be used in stopping people from dying!

You need to learn to chose your battles with teens!

Asthesayinggoes · 31/01/2021 05:40

I actually think that you may be raising an unusual child - I tell myself that when mine is a bitch anyway. He's so young. You have so much time to turn around your approach to how you parent him. What you're doing is not working clearly. Try talking to him and allowing him feel control? You might just rear the next CEO of Apple or something.