Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What happens when your teenager runs away?

234 replies

OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 14:41

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again. Hmm
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

OP posts:
safclass · 30/01/2021 15:59

We do fostering and I fully get where you are coming from. We've had runners who have been returned by police, only to run again as they got out of the van! We had one who would trash the place and dater being returned, the police would only enter with their body cams on.
We have a book called 'Blame my Brain - teenage brain' (or similar) and actually it talks about the massive growth that teenage brains go through and why they make the 'stupid' decisions they do.

After babies, teenage yrs are the most likely when they will suffer from accidents/get into trouble and the book explains why. It's not always about choosing tobe bloody minded etc. It was a good read.

CustardyCreams · 30/01/2021 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 16:05

@safclass

We do fostering and I fully get where you are coming from. We've had runners who have been returned by police, only to run again as they got out of the van! We had one who would trash the place and dater being returned, the police would only enter with their body cams on. We have a book called 'Blame my Brain - teenage brain' (or similar) and actually it talks about the massive growth that teenage brains go through and why they make the 'stupid' decisions they do. After babies, teenage yrs are the most likely when they will suffer from accidents/get into trouble and the book explains why. It's not always about choosing tobe bloody minded etc. It was a good read.
Thank you, I appreciate your input and suggestion of the book. I will look on Amazon now.
OP posts:
Nonamesavail · 30/01/2021 16:12

Is he back yet OP?

Ponoka7 · 30/01/2021 16:20

You can now leave home at 14. There would be a plan put in place and him given a SW. He will be offered accommodation. Ideally SS would look at family/friends, but if the young person is adamant not to return home, then they aren't forced to. They have hostels which are from 14+. As well as other options. The rules are stict and sometimes the young person just drifts/sofa surfs. They are still given an allowance. This is how vulnerable young people are easily exploitated. If school isn't going well, then training courses can be found. Some stay in the system and count down until they are 16. They have more options at that age and can be supported until 25.

sapnupuas · 30/01/2021 16:27

My husbands niece used to run away and sneak out. She was put into foster care (but I'm sure that was more to do with neither parent wanting her), but still wouldn't stop.

In the end, she moved three hours away to give her a fresh start with a new carer.

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 16:31

No he isn't back.
Police officer is here taking things down.

OP posts:
Luckyrabbitfoot · 30/01/2021 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 30/01/2021 16:37

I know this probably doesn't help now but honestly I don't think taking his phone away is going to help. I understand you want to have some authority over him but you need to find a way of connecting and empathising with him even when he is behaving badly. He sounds really angry and upset and I think taking a way something which is so integral to a teens life is like adding fuel to the fire tbh.

I hope the police find him soon op

Chickmad · 30/01/2021 16:41

I really feel for you. I had similar worries with one of mine.
He had a few nights in a volunteer Foster placement type of place. If he had been your son's age they would have tried to find him somewhere longer term while SW worked to try and reconcile you and enable him to come and live back home.

I spent many sleepless nights worrying but he is now out the other side of the mess he got himself into and is growing into a lovely young man.

I am sure your son will get there too. This is just an unfortunate phase.

Virtual hugs for you

Oh12lookanothernamechange1234 · 30/01/2021 16:41

Is social services involved yet OP? Essentially every time he goes missing a referral will go through to them.

If he isn’t open to CSWS then this would eventually be the next step- are there concerns are his peers? Where does he go when he’s gone?

Look out for signs of him having new clothes, belongings or money that you’ve not given him... could he a sign of Criminal explotation / county lines,

You can also refer to CSWS yourself, or speak to the safeguarding lead at school and say you are worried / struggling with him - they can also refer to CSWS.

Oh12lookanothernamechange1234 · 30/01/2021 16:43

PS don’t be afraid to ask for help OP - don’t blame yourselves either.
How does he get on at school? Any struggles re education /socially?

peasinmysoup · 30/01/2021 16:56

I remember your other thread.
What did you punish him with in the end?

Do you think that tipped things over the edge or was it heading that way anyway?

I hope he's okay

willFOURbagsbeenough · 30/01/2021 17:06

I have no advice, and I really hope he walks through that door soon OP, I just wanted to say that you aren’t fucking things up. Teens can just throw all sorts of crap into the mix that nobody can plan for or predict. Don’t beat yourself up. He’s going through a phase. Hopefully for all your sakes it’s one that will burn out quickly.

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 17:08

@Girliefriendlikespuppies

I know this probably doesn't help now but honestly I don't think taking his phone away is going to help. I understand you want to have some authority over him but you need to find a way of connecting and empathising with him even when he is behaving badly. He sounds really angry and upset and I think taking a way something which is so integral to a teens life is like adding fuel to the fire tbh.

I hope the police find him soon op

What's the alternative?

That he has his phone all night long?

Genuine question because I can't figure out how we could have done things differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 17:08

@peasinmysoup

I remember your other thread. What did you punish him with in the end?

Do you think that tipped things over the edge or was it heading that way anyway?

I hope he's okay

Phone gone for 2 weeks (he got it back yesterday) and grounded for a month.
OP posts:
Edgeoftheledge · 30/01/2021 17:09

The police will look for him, I think. My dc has done it a few times but contacted us to let us know were she was, police still do a welfare check and may call ss.

Original poster
OBitchPeas · 30/01/2021 17:10

He's been spotted.
The police officer who was here has gone out to look, as has DH.

OP posts:
Bixs · 30/01/2021 17:11

Stay strong Flowers

Edgeoftheledge · 30/01/2021 17:11

Police might mention family solutions, I think you can self refer and they give support.

Edgeoftheledge · 30/01/2021 17:16

Keep is updated. It will be ok. Ternagers can be the pits.

Skatastic · 30/01/2021 17:19

I'm so sorry I can't imagine how worried you are but also how angry you must be. My DS (was DD but thats another story) went missing for a short time the other day and I was frantic I didnt know where to start or what to do.

Have you got any relatives he could go stay with? It is so so hard. My middle boy went to live with his Dad last year because he has 0 rules whereas we say things like please don't have your laptop on charge in your bed with the charger under your memory foam mattress.

Not painting such a great pic of myself am I!?

Hope he comes back soon or that you reach some kind of solution soon.

Camparispritzandcrisps · 30/01/2021 17:19

It's clear from your posts how much you love and care for DS, and that's half the battle, OP. Teenage brains are crazy at the beat of times and the current insanity won't be helping.

As hard as it is, now isn't the time for beating yourself up OP or figuring out what to do- keep as calm as you can, stay at home with your phone nearby and let the police find him. Once he's back at home, you'll be calmer and able to think more clearly.

It might be worth contacting social services to get some parenting support for handling DS and his needs - see if the police can put you in touch, given they're involved now. You're far from the only one struggling with a more challenging teenager, and you're not a bad parent for asking for help - quite the opposite. You've got this, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

WouldstrokeTomHardy · 30/01/2021 17:20

Honestly OP when he's back let him have his phone. Let him put it in a drawer in his room when it's time to sleep. He's 14. My 14 to DS dies this and is usually put away and asleep rather early for a teen. He needs some autonomy. He's growing up.