What happens when your teenager runs away?

[OBitchPeas]

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again.
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

Have you ever had a really difficult teen asthesayinggoes ?

Very unhelpful.

I have, from 11-15 and it was awful, holes in the wall, police at the door, school always on the phone. I have also had what you might perceive as a usual child, one that was a breeze in comparison. Both were parented the same.

At 15, DS changed. He’s now 26, own house, good job, girlfriend, first class degree.

@Neenan

Have you ever had a really difficult teen asthesayinggoes ?

Very unhelpful.

I have, from 11-15 and it was awful, holes in the wall, police at the door, school always on the phone. I have also had what you might perceive as a usual child, one that was a breeze in comparison. Both were parented the same.

At 15, DS changed. He’s now 26, own house, good job, girlfriend, first class degree.

Well yes. I have. But I don't parent her conventionally. That's what I was saying? Have a coffee and reread my comments.

I hope they found him OP. Thinking of you.

@Ponoka7
Children can't be placed in semi independent accommodation at 14, it's 16+.

I hope he turned up. I was a runner and left home at 15 as my DM would lock me in the house all day while she went to work. Being massively strict won't work. Try to be understanding. Also even children involved with CSE/CCE are given phones if they lose theirs as they need to be tracked by the location pings. You won't be able to stop your DS doing whatever he's doing but you can be cooperative and supportive and a safe place for him so you don't drive him away .

If he’s out at 4am causing damage at 14 then the question is why Is he even out at such times ?

No advice on this particular issue, but I’ve recently finished reading a book about raising boys into good men, and apparently Year 10 (so 14, at least where I am, and what this book was basing its findings on) is the absolute pits.

They spend their entire time pushing the boundaries - and you need to respond by confirming exactly what and where the boundaries are.

This doesn’t mean being a tyrant or an arsehole. It just means proving them with the reassurance that the boundaries are there to keep them safe.

Good luck

*No advice on this particular issue, but I’ve recently finished reading a book about raising boys into good men, and apparently Year 10 (so 14, at least where I am, and what this book was basing its findings on) is the absolute pits.

They spend their entire time pushing the boundaries - and you need to respond by confirming exactly what and where the boundaries are.*

If it's the book I think it is then I dont agree with the approach.

Boundaries can be set in many ways.
I raised my kids with the idea of mutual respect. I never punished, never any need to.
The teenage years were easy.

I doubt it’s the book you’re thinking of, it was written by a woman, and is local to me (I’m not in the UK).

I didn’t push boundaries as a teen, neither did my DB. I have no idea whether my own DC will. But it does seem as if the OP’s DS is pushing them.

And yes - boundaries can be set in many ways. That’s the entire point?

@SavannahMiasMum

If he’s out at 4am causing damage at 14 then the question is why Is he even out at such times ?

I think the OP said that he climbed out the window?

Hope he's back home safe op.

I raised my kids with the idea of mutual respect. I never punished, never any need to.
The teenage years were easy.

Easy as in they just hate you for a few years? Yes
Obedient? Yes
Hate you? Yes

Easy - fuck no.

Op is he home? Why was he having his phone taken away again?

I don’t think this is as common as people make out, simply because it happened to them or they know of someone who did it. The police clearly don’t spend all their time looking for teens who have run away.

It’s really important to be able to talk to your child and understand what they are going through, however it seems like both sides here are consistently clashing. Punishing has it’s place, but so does talking and understanding.

Just to say that my nephew used to sneak out of the window and go and joy ride at 15. Now he's a top soul chef at 34 running his own restaurant with a fabulous young family.

Don't think that how he behaves now will mean that's how he will always behave.

*Easy as in they just hate you for a few years? Yes
Obedient? Yes
Hate you? Yes

Easy - fuck no.*

I have no idea what that means. My teens have never hated me,and yes they were easy years. I don't seek "obedience" from adolescent children. I seek a relationship based on love and mutual respect.

@WouldstrokeTomHardy

Honestly OP when he's back let him have his phone. Let him put it in a drawer in his room when it's time to sleep. He's 14. My 14 to DS dies this and is usually put away and asleep rather early for a teen. He needs some autonomy. He's growing up.

He DID have that option though. And he used his phone to arrange with his friends to escape out the window, smoke weed, climb on a school roof and get picked up by police at 4am.

He utterly ruined any trust.

But I need to give him more autonomy and trust?

I don't understand why people keep suggesting this.

He came back at 5.30, I can't remember if I updated in the end or not.

He sounds unhappy OP.

I also agree with trusting him more.This relationship has taken some bad turns. You need to communicate, to talk about the situation- and you as the adult need to do so without anger, and model compassion.
When we treat kids as responsible people they usually act as responsible people.
If we treat them like irresponsible tearaways they will wear that hat also.

@lovelemoncurd

Give him his phone back op! You're wasting precious police time that could be used in stopping people from dying!

You need to learn to chose your battles with teens!

What? Do you think the OPs called the police for fun? She didn't know where he was (and don't think they do as yet?) so can't give it back right now. What people in her area are currently 'dying' that the police are ignoring?

You really should give his phone back, taking them away just leads to more negative effect on behaviour and teens don’t tend to associate ‘i broke the rules, thats why my phone is gone’ and instead fixate on not having the phone and feeling it is unjust

Ah, sorry obitch crossed with your update. So glad he is home, you will still be full of adrenaline, hope you manage some sleep.

OP I remember your last post. I agree with you, you gave him autonomy and trust and he chose to break this.

Plenty of people were suggesting much tougher punishments there, interesting it’s the opposite now.

I don’t have a solution for you, but it’s tough for everyone but especially teens right now, perhaps things might improve when normality returns. I hope you find a way through

If you’d have let him keep his phone the police would be able to find his location from it.

Well done Op on getting through. It’s a rough time for teens, and absolutely exhausting for parents of troubled teens, you are not alone in going through this. It may be actually other issues upsetting him, and phone getting taken was straw that broke the camels back.

You are doing a great job as a mum and have been working to keep an open discussion with him when you can, but it’s harder when they are this age, they keep most things to themselves.

It is almost certain that one day he will be able to tell you other things going on that have been working to trigger his recklessness

My teens have never hated me,and yes they were easy years. I don't seek "obedience" from adolescent children. I seek a relationship based on love and mutual respect.

Well good for you @Speakout. Such a helpful post. Those of us who struggled or are struggling with teenagers will be delighted to know we should just seek love and mutual respect and everything will be fine and dandy

Glad your ds is home. I’m just starting with the real attitude from my 12 yo dd. No real answers here. But I don’t find long punishments work or repeating the punishment after such a short period of time. Anecdotally, DD’s friend has very long punishments. They are so long that they actually become meaningless. Her parents have now permanently removed her phone. At 12 this may work. But not for much longer unless they squash her spirit.

Punishments like these make me think of the American penal system. The death penalty and 120 prison sentences don’t deter criminals so why would draconian punishments deter our teens?