What happens when your teenager runs away?

[OBitchPeas]

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again.
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

Reminds me of my neighbour’s daughter who suddenly disappeared from the family home aged 15 some time around 1990, too young to get a private rented or council flat. Never found out exactly where she ended up as we weren’t on speaking terms with her family by then. Most likely explanation is that she ended up in a squat, hostel or bedsit.

Also I was at school with a girl who suddenly disappeared a few months before we were all due to leave, didn’t officially leave (her name was still on registers and exam lists) but never came back. Another pupil who lived by her reckoned that she’d run away from home as her mother was still there but she wasn’t. I’m guessing this was a similar situation to my neighbour’s daughter.

[quote 132orbust]**@OBitchPeas
I think I must be reading a different thread than a lot of these posters.
He has just turned 14.
He had a good amount of freedom and responsibility.
And he ended up smoking weed, climbing on top of his school roof, trashing tesco car park and being arrested at 4am

People advising you to stay calm, let him talk about how he is feeling, give him back his phone.
This is not normal behaviour, I don't know any barely 14 year old's who do things like this, I think you are right to be so annoyed and cannot understand posters asking you if you are unable to control your emotions. This is his issue, not yours and he is behaving like a brat. And in case it is questioned, yes I do have teens and no they, nor their friends, have ever behaved like that. [/quote]
My 14yr old DS doesn't act like this either @132orbust but it's not really relevant or helpful to the OP to say that.

I do work with kids and I do see kids that are struggling and the best thing to do first and foremost is listen to them to find out what they perceive the issue is and why they are acting the way they do. Some don't have the emotional literacy to even describe their feelings, they just shut down and act it out instead.

I do find it important for OP to reflect on how they emotionally react to situations because it might be able to help them see how their DS emotionally reacts. I see some similarities in emotional behaviour (from what has been said here) and would recommend family therapy to look into it.

In half an hour the poilce were out looking for a teenager in the day?

I doubt that very much unless her has serious issues

I would let him have his phone. 10.30 is too early.

@Oblomov20

Ds1 ran away. Over a petty argument. The police searched. He was found. He had to stay with my brother in law for 2 days until social services could check there wasn't more too it, ie abuse. It took another 2 weeks until I could get the social services case closed.

Don't underestimate the drama that follows. Incredibly painful.

Completely agree. Their actions have heartbreaking consequences for those involved. I just want to say big hugs op. We had similar situation which meant ds going awol because we took his phone off him. When he came home we spoke to him, told him why we took the phone off him and how we were so worried when he went missing. His grandparents also spoke to him. I told him everything we do is out of love and care and not to control him. I reiterated everything I've been saying why we've been arguing and explaining how we are all human and sometimes we both say and do things out of anger due to being frustrated. We gave him his phone back because it wasn't worth the shit that it caused and it just escalated things. We've been communicating alot better this week.

I raised my kids with the idea of mutual respect. I never punished, never any need to
The teenage years were easy.

I'm honestly surprised anyone on this site would not realise that there is more to it than how you parent. All situations are different.

My parents raised me and my 3 sisters with the idea of mutual respect. With loving and honest relationships. They almost never needed to punish us. My 3 sisters were straight-A students who basically never misbehaved. But I used to do dumb unruly shit ALL THE TIME. I was the kid sneaking out at 4am to smoke weed and climb on school rooves. How does parenting approach explain the vast difference between me and my sisters?

Might it be easier to stop using the phone as punishment, especially in lockdown? For teens it feels like a human right - even if you disagree it’s worth thinking of it from that perspective. And honestly - in 2 years time or less you will have no real legal control over him at all. I would use this time to start repairing things, even if that means letting things go that absolutely tear you up. In the long run, losing a child altogether is so much worse.

Hi @CrappingMyself just going to have some lunch and I will ask the DC their opinion on this situation but I want to clarify something first.
This was not a 'my DC are perfect post'.
The reason I said it is not normal behaviour is because so many of the previous posters are acting like it is. One poster actually asked the OP, who is naturally annoyed about the situation, if she was unable to control her emotions which I felt was harsh. This must be a nightmare for her.
Another poster thought the OP should book her DS into a Premier Inn for some cooling off time.
In our house action have consequences and if my 14 year old (or indeed 19 and 16 years olds) were behaving in this manner I surely wouldn't be paying for them to have a little cool off in the Premier Inn.
In response to others who are urging the OP to ask the DS how he feels, I believe she has already done this and given him ample opportunity with the previous incidence.

No way would he be getting back his phone!
He flung his toys out the prom & legged it because he didn’t like it when mummy & daddy said no.....fuck that! He’s lucky to have a bed & clothes after pulling that crap
Also how is 10:30 pm too early to say all phones off? That’s a decent time to be in bed & asleep at 14.
This thread is insane.

@132orbust, it is precisely because this is such a difficult (and potentially dangerous) situation that people are advising the OP to stay very calm and step back from the punitive approach. Because at this precise moment in time, there are bigger issues at stake. Satisfying your feeling that actions must have consequences has to be weighed against the risk that she could lose her ds altogether if he runs off and ends up dependent on drug dealers. Or tries to kill himself.

Part of this is about not making life more difficult for the OP in the long run. If they can start again, her life will be easier. If she can manage to find a way (however hard for her) that doesn't exacerbate the current situation, then that is likely to make life easier for her in the long run.

I thought the Premier Inn suggestion was an awful one btw. A troubled 14yo should NOT be left to his own devices in Premier Inn (if they would even agree to such a booking). The message he needs now is that his home is there for him, that his parents can always cope with him (fake it if you don't feel it is my advice- born from experience), and that it is possible to start again.

He flung his toys out the prom & legged it because he didn’t like it when mummy & daddy said no.....fuck that! He’s lucky to have a bed & clothes after pulling that crap

Can you explain to me exactly how that is going to resolve the situation? This is a boy who is willing to run away and has to be brought home by police: how likely do you think you'd be to change that by saying he's lucky to have a bed? He is not old enough to live on his own but he is also far too old for the OP to safely manhandle him. You can't put a harness on a 14yo or strap him into his buggy- if you want him to survive at all, you either have to enable him to want to stay at home or make other arrangements.

Yes, it sucks, but that is the reality.

@132orbust

Hi *@CrappingMyself* just going to have some lunch and I will ask the DC their opinion on this situation but I want to clarify something first. This was not a 'my DC are perfect post'. The reason I said it is not normal behaviour is because so many of the previous posters are acting like it is. One poster actually asked the OP, who is naturally annoyed about the situation, if she was unable to control her emotions which I felt was harsh. This must be a nightmare for her. Another poster thought the OP should book her DS into a Premier Inn for some cooling off time. In our house action have consequences and if my 14 year old (or indeed 19 and 16 years olds) were behaving in this manner I surely wouldn't be paying for them to have a little cool off in the Premier Inn. In response to others who are urging the OP to ask the DS how he feels, I believe she has already done this and given him ample opportunity with the previous incidence.

Thanks for clarifying and I'm sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick.

I haven't seen @OBitchPeas say how her DS is feeling or any reasons he gives for acting in a certain way. What I have read is he got the phone back and then when confiscated again (for a reason we don't yet know) he left. I can guess he leaves because he is angry over punishments, why is he being punished in the first place - why is he acting out? Boredom? Frustration? Teenage F@#* U?

I have to say, he reminds me of a number of kids I've worked with who, when they've calmed down, just want someone to listen to them. We learn how to deescalate situations, acknowledge feelings, explain viewpoints and listen to them too. However I know as a parent it's a different emotional relationship with your own kids! That's why it's important OP look at their own emotional reaction to this as it could be an important aspect. They could just be bouncing off each other, continually clashing.

If u have family around or friends I can trust maybe they can have him for a few days until he settles.

I raised my kids with the idea of mutual respect. I never punished, never any need to. The teenage years were easy.

Me too. I was INCREDIBLY lucky that my two were amenable. It has very little do do with parenting, IMHO.

Some teenagers just seem to struggle more than others to cope with growing up. My eldest developed dreadful anxiety, refused school, started smoking weed etc. Her dad stormed round one day, yelled at her that she was off the rails and manhandled her phone off her. She yelled back 'if you think I'm off the rails I'll fucking show you off the rails' and she did, weed escalated to drugs, an abusive relationship with a dealer, a pregnancy and termination, witnessing stabbings, death of a friend, sexual assault. It was absolute hell. I thought she'd end up dead. All I could do was keep saying I loved her but not her behaviour, that her home was always here, that I would pick her up any time no questions asked if she was in trouble. Had to go up to London one night to get her after being arrested. Eventually she started to come out of it, managed to get a job, ditched the boyfriend and at 21 is pretty much a normal human being again.

I don't know where I'm going with this except to say it's not just down to parenting (I have two other children) and sometimes all you can do is pick your battles, try to keep communicating and hang on.

Also, DD has never been able to explain why she behaved like that. She just remembers being angry with everyone, about everything, all the time.

I had two kids both parented identically. First breezed through teens yrs second did all the things your son is doing. I know with lockdown its not possible at the moment but try to encourage him to join a particular club in something he is interested in. Anything which involves self discipline and exercise usually really helps and builds confidence. Something which brings him into contact with other teens and broadens his friendship circles.
I was and am very close to both my kids but sadly at that age the opinion of their friends is the only thing which matters so helping him to make new friends can be really beneficial

Teens are so difficult and I have brought up 4. Youngest is 14 and a lad so I totally get it. In fact last night my ds kicked off. Shouting swearing, he was very aggressive actually and fucking rude to me. BUT I allowed it to wash over me because we are not in a normal situation. Teens are having their lives ruined. In fact I rewarded his bad behaviour with a take away. WHY? Because I could see that he is hurt, he is suffering, his life is upsidedown because of the pandemic. He later apologised and we talked. He had a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes. My tough guy teen. They need so much delicate care, especially right now.

I was a little shit when I was a teen. Ran away all the time. DM used to confiscate my belongings and it didn't work. I would behave even worse.

It's so hard. I do understand but communication and trust are imperative here.

I think the big difference between kids who get through teenage years unscathed and those who don't is often self esteem. Your past the age where you can control him with punishments IMO, you really need to work on empathy and communication. Tell him you want a clean slate as you've both made mistakes, explain how you feel - that you're scared/angry/hurt/wonder what went wrong, talk to him about what he thinks you should do to be a good parent, what consequences do he think are acceptable, how does he think he would handle things as a parent etc. I would also really talk to him about his friends - you need to not judge - but ask about their behavioour, their home life, their parents x

*You're

I would just like to add that sometimes picking battles isn't some uniquely modern thing that parents have only just started doing because we are turning out unique snowflakes. As WouldStrokeTomHardy points out, this is an unusually difficult time, and parents (some parents) have always responded to unusual circumstances by doing unusual things.

My db who was a teen in the '70s suffered from adoption trauma. Our parents were generally quite strict on behaviour and expected very high standards of polite behaviour, but they also had a second sense as to when his behaviour was in response to inner stress and then they handled it differently. There is a lot of inner stress going on for our teens at the moment.

Have you tried cbt with him and repeating him of what he says.
Example.. screaming and crying i want my phone

You ... you want your phone

Wait for reply

What can I do to make you feel better?

Or
I can see you seem angry/ or upset
Wait for reply maybe gentle arm touch ?
What isit that makes you feel like this.

Listen to him

@corythatwas

I don’t want to sound awful but, l would never take my teen’s phone during lockdown. No matter how evil she is ( and she can be). In normal times l would, but it’s their only contact with their friends. Which is a teens entire world.

I think this makes good sense.

When dd was school refusing, there was a certain amount of pressure on us to cancel her drama lessons because why should she do something she enjoyed when she hadn't done what she ought first. I could see the attraction of that argument.

Bur what we felt in the end was that having something in her life that mattered to her was her only chance of ever pulling herself out of that hole. So we decided that whatever else we needed to do we wouldn't take that away from her, however counterintuitive it might feel.

Totally understand what your saying. But then when do you do as an alternative to bad/poor behaviour? I'm struggling to understand

@JengaJanga

In half an hour the poilce were out looking for a teenager in the day?

I doubt that very much unless her has serious issues

Is this to me?

You think I'm making this up? Seriously?!

Thank you to all of those who have given me sensible advice. I really appreciate it.

I do worry a lot about county lines, I have voiced this to him many times.

I do sit and listen to him a lot.
When his dad goes to bed early he'll come into the front room and talk my ears off. I always have to make a mental note to record the programme I had intended to watch that night because I know there's no way I will get a look in.

It's much calmer here now, we have compromised and he's playing on my Switch but he hasn't asked to have his phone. He asked when he was getting it back and I said tomorrow, he was surprised and pleased.

We have agreed to (suggestion of the police officer) that when he is so angry that he needs to leave (I totally understand that feeling) that he leaves and goes out for a maximum of an hour where he doesn't have to tell me where he's going but he does need to be a back home, to give him time to cool down and I don't need to call the police.