What happens when your teenager runs away?

[OBitchPeas]

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again.
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

The whole phone thing, I agree with you taking it. I get what people say about him contacting you but at the same time, he can’t just run wild and hold you over a barrel.

It is common OP. Over 50% of the people recorded as 'missing person' each year are aged between 12 and 17. I remember your other thread, I do think it's best not to be too hard on them at this age and keep the lines of communication open. I hope he is home very soon.

Whatever else you do, give him the phone back. You could have found him faster if it was on him. (Whether via location-sharing apps or authorities pinging the nearest cell tower for an approximate search site.)

Glad to hear he's been spotted. Hope he's back home very soon. x

It sounds as if disagreements escalate very quickly and he is impulsive when he reacts. When he has returned and is calmer can you have a conversation around managing these situations? Maybe all of you need to change your approach a bit.

When he gets back I would tend to be pretty matter of fact, say you’re glad he’s back and is he hungry. Then say he needs to sort out his room while you make food. I would probably let him have his phone even though it seems wrong, it’s literally part of their identity.

The misbehaving you’ve mentioned is serious stuff and again it sounds very impulsive and silly. I’m guessing he’s easily led? Again, when he’s calm it’s another conversation to be had. Getting into trouble with the police isn’t a teenage lark even though for him it maybe earns him street cred.

It’s such a difficult time all round. If it’s any consolation my very difficult teen has grown up delightful. Good luck.

While you have his phone, you could download Life360 or set up Find My Phone, or similar. These will allow you to know where he is.

Personally I wouldn't confiscate my teens phone for more than 24h. However we do have night time limits on phone use. It must be on charge out of the bedroom b6 11pm every night. I also have the Wi-Fi blocked 11pm-6am via our router.

I haven't read all the posts. However I would say taking his phone away from him
isn't the right thing to do.

When he comes back home I would say to him that you've had time to reflect and taking his phone away wasn't the right thing to do. I know some posters are saying you're basically reinforcing the behaviour of running away but I don't think you are.

Talk to him, ask him how he would manage (what he did re smoking weed and trolleys) what had happened if he were in your shoes. It shows your talking to him like an adult and also his feedback will give you some idea of where he is maturity wise (although I'm sure you have some idea).

I don't have all the answers other than it sounds like you're really going through.

Could you have some family therapy?

Sorry if I'm being thick or missing things, but is it right that you took his phone away for two weeks and grounded him for a month, for the trolley incident, he got his phone back yesterday, and has now lost it again? What did he do to get his phone taken away this time?

I'm not having a go at you, I have been there (I have two teenage boys and they have reduced me to a blubbering mess this last few years, at various times) but I could definitely see one of mine (the sociable one) completely flipping out if he had managed to get through a two-week phone ban and then promptly lost it again. Especially at the moment when it's the only proper link to his social life that he has. I see what you're saying about having to have some way to sanction appalling behaviour - but I probably wouldn't have taken his phone away so soon after the last time. I think most teenagers at the moment are feeling pretty desperate about their lack of social interaction and the phone can feel like a bit of a lifeline.

I'd have a family meeting and agree some appropriate rules and sanctions, so he knows what to expect if (when) he fucks up again. I find things tend to go down better if the kids have had a stake in agreeing them from the outset.

Oh OP you must be worried sick. Hope he comes home soon. Take care x

Hope you are ok, if it’s any comfort, ‘Doing a runner’ used to be a top trick of my daughters at 14. Generally after being given a bollocking for drinking, smoking or running up£100 phone bill.
She’s bog off to one her mates houses for a day or two and reappear when she was ready (felt she’d made us suffer enough). ‘I can’t wait to get out of this shitty house’, and ‘as soon as I’m 16, I’m off’ she’d say.
By the time she was 16 she’d become a fairly civilised human again, and didn’t actually leave home (although has had a couple of periods of extended travel inc a year in Oz) until she was pregnant and moved in with her partner at 26!

The problem with removing privileges is that it backfires. You back him into a corner with nothing left for him to lose

Why can't he have his phone? Can you come to an agreement where he is to give it up at say, 10pm, until the morning?

The more punishments you dole out, the more he will have nothing left to fight for - in his eyes

However I sense this has gone way past anything reasonable so your best bet is probably police assistance leading to SW involvement and other agencies if he has other issues

Are there other boys his age, who he hangs about with.This happens a lot if this be the case, It's kind of rife now, kids smoking weed etc and then going off and getting into all sorts of trouble, including crime incidents. They may run away sometimes, and don't seem to care about all the worry back home.

If the police find a missing child, they will assess the child, and take them home, but they may suggest other things to be done,if the child is really troubled in any other way, as one who may turn to drugs and crime later,

I ran away several times due to an abusive home. All that happened was my parent reported me missing, the police checked all local places I was known to visit and eventually brought me back home again, ignored me trying to tell them what was happening at home, told me to pull my socks up and stop scaring parent that was abusing me. Rinse and repeat until I was too old for them to bring me home against my will.

I don’t know if this will be of any help, I had a difficult time with my eldest daughter doing the exact same thing. Now 20 full time job own car and flat and doing great. I never refused any help I was given, nothing was below me.
My son (3rd child) and many lessons learnt I have changed my parenting. No confiscating items or grounding. I let him get his anger out the way and then he will be back down to talk anywhere between 1-4 hours to apologise.
He has explained he has a lot of anger and he feels he can’t control it. We got him a punch bag and gloves and when he feels the mist descending he takes his frustration out and then comes back to me to explain what got him upset.
It can be the silliest thing but to them it’s not and the one thing I have learnt is not to be blasé. It’s how they feel and what you can do as their parent to help them.
I hope he is found soon.

The Police will bring him back, friends child went that often they told her to lock him in in the end as they were sick/ too busy to return him.
They likely inform SS if not already involved and may offer a CIN status and family intervention. You don't have to accept this, but it can be useful for some
HTH a bit.
Call them now as he's an upset child.

County lines ?

Where I live, police would make a referral to social work if they thought there might be welfare concerns. This would trigger an inter agency referral discussion between poluce, social work, and health, to discuss whether there should be any follow up, and if so, which agency should take it forward

Does your DS have any other relatives eg aunt, uncle, grandparents where he could stay for a week or so. Would that help?

I know of a girl who ended up in care because she ran away and the police found her with suspected human traffickers near the ferry port.

I remember your last thread- sorry to hear things are still turbulent. I also agree with you, well done for sticking to your guns on the phone front.
As well as police out looking you could plaster his photo all over social media- fb, twitter and Insta? If I was 14 I would die of shame if my parents did that... if you think that's too OTT and have his phone you could try and get in and message friends using numbers in his phone to say please let us know if X is with you and is safe- we do'nt need to know WHERE he is necessarily, just that he is safe and well. If you know any parents of likely friends he might be with I would get in contact with them too.
When he comes back maybe consider a stepped approach- e.g. tell him you recognise right now things are very hard and that he is missing social interaction with friends etc. and his phone plays an important part in that and therefore you have reflected on the sanction and decided that instead of an all or nothing approach you will gradually increase his phone access so today he can have 1 or 2 hours. All being well with his behaviour he can have a further hour the next day and so on and so forth. Any issues with his handing the phone back after his allotted time and it goes back to 0 hours for a few days.
Hope he's home soon.

If there's no significant problems at home (emotional neglect, alcoholism, abuse, young carer) then I would strongly suspect exploitation in his social circle, he might be in over his head and unable to say no to them in which case him having his phone is potentially putting him in danger. Get advice from social services and ask them if he could be at risk of exploitation, this may hopefully be the words that trigger a referral for an intervention for him to talk to someone and gain insight. If social services do nothing, try to get help from school, have regular team around the child meetings with them and make a plan about how to support him and meet his needs and protect him or put him back on the right path if this is just teenage risk taking.

Agree re. the phone. Punishments and being controlling like that don’t work with teens.

He’s not running away as a way of getting his phone back. He’s running away because he is angry and upset.

Giving him his phone back isn’t going to “teach him he can get his phone back by running away”. It will just stop him from becoming so angry and upset.

Stop trying to use power-play to control and manipulate teens into doing what you want. It doesn’t work. You have to communicate and connect with them. Yes, it’s bloody hard, and maybe they will stay up all night on their phones sometimes. But being “strict” doesn’t work (as you are finding) and the hard work of working with them rather than against them is worthnit if it means they are not always running away.

As part of my job I got asked to interview missing (and returned) young people (there is usually dedicated team but for a while they needed some extra capacity). 85% of the time the issues were quite minor, the process was in place to support the other 15%. We had to ask a load of questions which, if I had been asked by a stranger as a pre-teen / early teen, I would have lied. We would ask how much money they had when they left, when they returned (if they suddenly have money that would be a cause for concern). We would ask if they had sex, if anyone had wanted sex from them. We would then refer on the worrying cases, sometimes suggest something for school / parents to do. Many were children deciding not to come home from school. I feel for you, OP, it is tricky to keep them safe when they are pushing against it. I'd make it clear to the police that you want help and support and if it isn't a social care issue, you want an early help referral because the way things are now isn't working, and you need help to change things effectively.

Hope he returns soon op.

When the police come to schools to talk to parents and teachers about drugs and the internet - children protection issues, they always say don't take away their phones/computers. It doesn't solve the problem but just aggravates it.
My ds went through this for two years. Drugs, running away in the night, drinking etc. We're a typical family. Both work in professional roles, two well behaved siblings and yet he went off the rails completely. It ended up coming to ahead when he tried to jump out of his window when high as kite with the police and paramedics trying to get him. After months of therapy with CAMHS, he is so much better. I had tried everything before. I don't know what the answer is, but I am sure you're doing your best. We eventually discovered that our ds had been attacked a few times and had PTSD which set the whole thing off.

It’s tough.
While you are right to want to carry through with consequences, it is also okay to say “I said that in the heat of the moment, but now that I’ve thought about it, I’ve decided…” or “You shouldn’t have your phone, but I’m more concerned about you being safe, so have decided…”, if that’s what you decide.
I’ve confiscated phones before, or given a basic phone, rather than their fancy one, as a punishment. I'm not sure it was always the right thing to do, but who knows?

When he’s back, try to focus on “are you okay?”, “can I get you some food?”, “would you like a hand sorting your room out?” Anything else can be discussed another day. Let him know that the most important thing to you is that he’s home, and safe.
I can recommend the book “Get out of my life but first take Alex and me into town”. It won’t fix things but might help.