What happens when your teenager runs away?

[OBitchPeas]

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again.
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

So relieved to hear he is home OP.

I know people are saying police can find his location from the phone, if that's from the find my phone app can he not turn it off? I thought if the police are using their technology it doesn't give a pinpoint location just a triangulation between 3 mast points? Weve a many years till the teens but always handy to know!

Can you give him the opportunity to feel part of the family again and feel like he is trusted again, try agreeing to give his phone back with a simple agreement to do daily chores. For example, get him to choose a menu for dinner and dessert , his favourite meals, Mon-Fri and write it on your calendar. Then give him responsibility to be cooking it for everyone, at least every second Iggy, shared with his sibling on other nights. They can cook together with you or his father , after school. It will take a lot longer but they will slooowly get better at cooking.

Hope you all feel much better once he has had a good meal and and you all catch up on sleep tonight

*every second day

Op have the police or school mentioned county lines? He does sound very unhappy and could be worried about getting in too deep with shady people. Has he mentioned any new older friends or had more cash than usual? I would hope you are getting support from school (regardless of lockdown) as this is what the behaviour/safeguarding team are there for. I think you sound like a caring and loving parent who needs support, unfortunately this can be hard to find when people are quick to label teens. Take care

@SavannahMiasMum

If he’s out at 4am causing damage at 14 then the question is why Is he even out at such times ?

He wasn't allowed out, he sneaked out in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago and was caught by police messing about in Tesco's car park. The op posted about it then and that was when he had his 'phone taken away. He was just having a lark really with a mate but it went too far.

I don't get the impression the boy habitually causes damage. After getting his 'phone back, for some reason the op took it back from him so he walked out.

I don't think OP can really have any ideas of how to proceed until we know, really understand, WHY the son is behaving like this. Which is why he needs the opportunity to explain it and really be listened to, not just dismissed as a teenager acting shitty with no right or reason to be unhappy. His reasons still might be shit, but they're real to him and strong enough that they're causing serious problems.

Parents of teenagers can often get very authoritative and point scoring (I'm not saying OP is, just that it's a common and understandable response to them being difficult; I'm reminded of a recent thread about condescending, know it all teens, and how much of the discussion had a tone of "bring them down a peg or two" and "how dare they, I'm the one who knows everything", and very little about it being a very very normal teenage phase that really shouldn't be taken so very personally). But that doesn't help. I'm not saying there should never be consequences, but I'm stressing the importance of LISTENING to them and making them feel that you do give a shit what they think and how they're feeling. Until you (generic you, not you personally, OP) understand, really understand, what things look and feel like to them, you simply can't have any idea how to proceed. And if you don't give any indication that you think their feelings are valid, why would they offer you that same courtesy?

And bear in mind that they're not the best at expressing themselves clearly, so you probably do have to be patient to get to the heart of what's really bothering them.

OP I just wanted to say you are not alone, and I am wishing you all the best. It's so bloody hard.

I'm glad he came home, op. I thought he would being as he had no money and it is cold out. All over now (until the next time). Do let him have his 'phone though, he was punished enough for his night time escapade.

New start today.

@Rosie2000 makes sense, teens are very quickly labeled by police, teachers and others, sometimes parents.

The worst thing that you can do is label him and keep him in feeling like he is always at fault and never having any opportunities to be able to forget his troubles and reconnect with family. Home needs to be his safe place. I know he is not behaving well and letting both you and himself down but if instead of punishing you keep open respectful communication and agree to discuss at a time when he is calm you have a better chance of him not escalating his behaviour.

it is really tough but you need to refuse to engage with his anger, and agree to talk when he is calm only. Sometimes it is inevitable he will make dumb choices, especially when teens are goading him to act stupidly.

It is likely seeing and hearing a lot of stupid behaviour from other teens but he can’t talk about it now, as maturity is needed on his part to see it in perspective.

@OBitchPeas, so pleased he is home. I don’t think there are easy answers, as a PP said their brains are changing so fast; the emotions and the impulsivity are out of this world. Don’t blame yourself. You may get some help from targeted youth support; we did for our son after similar stuff- it was quite helpful. I guess I would just agree with some PPs that the punishment route doesn’t seem to work. Sometimes whatever we do will just give them an excuse to blame us. Getting outside help can be the most effective. The police report should help you here. So sorry you are going through this. It is so hard.

Glad he's back op. I can't believe the number of people suggesting rewarding this behaviour with getting his phone back. He should earn it back. He was completely out of order.

He DID have that option though.
And he used his phone to arrange with his friends to escape out the window, smoke weed, climb on a school roof and get picked up by police at 4am.

He utterly ruined any trust.

But I need to give him more autonomy and trust?

I don't understand why people keep suggesting this.

Because if you give him the impression that trust is utterly ruined, then there is no coming back from that- and consequently no reason for him to change.

Teens are very dramatic ("where's the point, they'll never trust me anyway"), they need help to move on and start again.

Not saying for a moment that what has happened is your fault or that you haven't been acting reasonably- but at the same time, you need to find a way in which he can start again and believe in himself as potentially trustworthy, believe that if he does, then you will be able to draw a line across the past and not keep bringing it up.

I have no experience of the situation you describe, but I do remember asking the Crisis team how I could trust a teenager who had just taken an overdose. "Because if you don't, she will never be safe" was their answer.

I don't know exactly how you should do this, OP, but I would say from my experience, that when it comes to the really big ones, the standard punishments you'd use for minor infringements aren't necessarily the right answer: some things are so big and worrying that you just need to take the time to reassess and reconnect.

make some changes op.
listen to him without judgment

I hope he showed up OP

You sound at the end of your tether. And I don't blame you. I've a 14 year old who does what he wants and only what he wants. I cannot control him at all. I turned off the internet once and he went nuts so now i just carefully tiptoe around him I guess. I'm a single parent though so I have at times been a bit scared of him.

When your son gets home and I hope he's home now, I'd just pass the phone back to him, not in a ''giving him more freedom'' way but just to make your own life easier. Like, in a ''you've done your best to shape his moral character'' but you need to have a life too kind of way.

Give the phone back to him and ask him how he feels about you arranging foster care for a while, give you both perspective.

I've said it to my son. I would actually like at this point if he went to live with his father. He won't though. :-/

It's tough I know, sending you strength. x

I don’t want to sound awful but, l would never take my teen’s phone during lockdown. No matter how evil she is ( and she can be). In normal times l would, but it’s their only contact with their friends. Which is a teens entire world.

Why does he keep losing his phone? Is it an appropriate punishment to the crime? I think you need to go back to toddler years maybe?

I remember when my children were small and being dicks, someone said to me ‘don’t punish them. Do something with them’. We tried it once after trying to punish them with no reward (going tk softplay for example). So we went out anyway. We had a wonderful time together, improved the bond and the shitty behaviour went away almost instantly. So we weren’t at home seething whilst they continually acted out, it wasn’t a ‘reward for bad behaviour’. Their behaviour was a signal that we needed to bond.

@OBitchPeas

He came back at 5.30, I can't remember if I updated in the end or not.

Oh phew glad to hear it OP.

I hope today is calmer.

A lot of people don't understand that love and respect only get you so far. Not every boy is going to turn round and refuse point blank to log in to lessons (example) but when he does refuse, I have not found that love and respect have changed his mind. In fact, healthy competition with his older sister is what made him begin to log in for a couple of lessons. Maths and science. He couldn't bear the thought of her getting higher marks in those subjects and that competitive streak was the ''way in''.

Of course there is love. If I didn't love him I'd say ''sleep all day and game all night, that's the easiest thing for me''. As for respect, I did used to say no. I had the power to say no when he was 5 foot. I think that was the last time that he deferred to my 'no'.

Ds1 ran away. Over a petty argument. The police searched. He was found. He had to stay with my brother in law for 2 days until social services could check there wasn't more too it, ie abuse. It took another 2 weeks until I could get the social services case closed.

Don't underestimate the drama that follows. Incredibly painful.

@midsummabreak yes I am a teacher so have seen teens from loving homes and chaotic ones involved in county lines- they exploit any weakness. Op if he has been smoking weed then he and his friends are getting it from somewhere . Smoking weed can have a huge affect on a teens personality.

@Oblomov20

Ds1 ran away. Over a petty argument. The police searched. He was found. He had to stay with my brother in law for 2 days until social services could check there wasn't more too it, ie abuse. It took another 2 weeks until I could get the social services case closed.

Don't underestimate the drama that follows. Incredibly painful.

Blimey, there must be more to that.

When I asked about SS involvement the police officer said that was very very far down the line.

Good luck op. I also have a difficult teen. My only advice is always keep calm and never react no matter how crappy they are behaving. Always be the adult and deal with their behaviour when they have calmed down. Otherwise everything just escalate. I have learned this to my Cost over the years. Really feel for you as I saw you have a 2 year old as well as two teens. I also have a little one as well as my teen with a 9 year gap. It’s so bloody hard when you’re tired with the littlest physically and tired with your teen mentally. Do whatever you can to make life easy for yourself, pick your battles. Thinking of you today.

Wish I hadn't posted.

"Blimey, there must be more to that. "

No. There wasn't.