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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want me to retrain. AIBU?

197 replies

goldpendant · 30/01/2021 12:07

Since I did a course at uni that wasn't right for me, I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine. Alas, I didn't, and I've now got a reasonably good career in something I used to quite enjoy - now I really can't stand it.

DH has always known this (married 8yrs).

His job is one he trained in for 7yrs, and while he's a bit disillusioned with it now, he earns very well and has a decent amount of kudos/prestige on the projects he does.

I earn half what he does, I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc. My career has been patchy over ten last few years to say the least and I find it dull, too academic, and I'm really really ready to walk.

I've just now done some training to help in the vaccine roll out. I have loved every minute - as I knew I would.

I'm under no illusions about a career in healthcare but I would love to retrain as a nurse. I'm 36.

My AIBU;

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.

I broached it with him today. He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

AIBU to push this? AIBU to want to do this? IHBU to be unsupportive?

Not the first time I've posted on here about this btw!

OP posts:
MrsWhistledown · 30/01/2021 12:12

Yanbu

You're only 36, you have such a long career ahead of you that it's not worth being stuck in a job you hate. That is assuming that you're not at such a level of wealth that you'll be planning to retire at the same time your husband does?

Did your DH retrain during your relationship? If so in think that speaks even more to the fact that's it fair for you to retrain now.

Ohalrightthen · 30/01/2021 12:15

Would he be taking on more of a financial burden? If so YABU. There comes a point where you just have to accept the choices you've made, IMO. It's not fair to expect your DH to postpone his retirement because you want to do something different.

WhereamI88 · 30/01/2021 12:18

You're 36, why would you want to retire in 3 years, that's insane!!! Do you want to spend the next 40-50 years doing nothing?? It's definitely not too late to retrain. Good luck.

Original poster
goldpendant · 30/01/2021 12:19

We could retire very comfortably at the same time if I stay in my current role.

This mortgage (on £1m property) will be paid off within 3-4yrs. After that I don't see why we can't scale down my income? Or why I could t keep my existing role on p/t and start a p/t qual in nursing.

He didn't retrain while we were in our relationship, but he did study as a mature student having had a crack at something else beforehand and changing his mind later.

OP posts:
Original poster
goldpendant · 30/01/2021 12:20

Sorry, we/he won't retire for 15yrs. But, the mortgage will be paid off in 3-4yrs at current saving rate.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 30/01/2021 12:20

YANBU. You are young, yes plans will shift by three years or whatever, but go for it, after all if your dh is a lot older than you you may still be of working age when something happens to him

notapizzaeater · 30/01/2021 12:22

I'm hoping to retrain as a nurse next year and I'm 53 !

Wouldn't you get a bursary ? You could do bank shifts if it's the income that's an issue ?

Original poster
goldpendant · 30/01/2021 12:22

And sorry, we wouldn't be halving OUR income we'd be halving MY income if I became a nurse.

OP posts:
winterinmadeira · 30/01/2021 12:25

33 is young. I retrained in health care at 33 and have never regretted it. Question: why not retrain in medicine if that is what you wanted to do when you were younger?

Casschops · 30/01/2021 12:25

OP life is too short if you have a calling to nursing then your heart will not be happy until you do it. Its haaaaaaard work but worth it. You are young and have many working years ahead of you, my husband is older than me too but he has retrained for job that will quarter our income but will being us more time and a different pace of life. You are only given one shot at life.

Original poster
goldpendant · 30/01/2021 12:25

Yes I'd get a grant (7K) a year I think to do the training. It's the drop in income that he's not keen on....

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 30/01/2021 12:25

You're still young. You won't be happy living like a retiree. You can get a study loans from the Government (Gov.uk) that doesn't have to be paid back til you're earning £25K. Your DH sulking like a child isn't an adult communication strategy. He should be prepared to discuss, compromise ,& reach a mutually acceptable solution. He can't have it all his own way, your happiness counts too.

Rupertbeartrousers · 30/01/2021 12:26

I had a friend who retrained as a doctor at the same age, I must admit I was a bit surprised, especially effect on kids/finances as such a demanding course, but she’s made a real success of it, now working on covid wards. YOLO and all that, and it’s a worthy career

Original poster
goldpendant · 30/01/2021 12:27

He once suggested I do it after the mortgage is cleared.... so in 3-4 years from now. That would make me 40ish. Is that too late?

I see that I could start it p/t now, keep my good civil servant job on p/t and keep paying into the pension, then switch to f/t nursing when I qualify.... likely to coincide with clearing the mortgage....

OP posts:
Original poster
goldpendant · 30/01/2021 12:28

I wouldn't retrain in medicine, it's too demanding and too long - the kids still need me to an extent and I don't think I want to study for that long. I just want to work in healthcare!

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 30/01/2021 12:28

You’re only 36, you supported him in his career, or it’s time for him to do the same. Go for it.

Silenceisgolden20 · 30/01/2021 12:28

@Ohalrightthen

Would he be taking on more of a financial burden? If so YABU. There comes a point where you just have to accept the choices you've made, IMO. It's not fair to expect your DH to postpone his retirement because you want to do something different.
This is bollocks.

If you don't, resentment will set in

Fallulah · 30/01/2021 12:29

Would he be more amenable to it in three years when the mortgage is paid off? You’d still only be 39 at that point. Question is whether you allow someone else to dictate you putting your life on hold and doing something you’re not fulfilled in for another three years.

Original poster
goldpendant · 30/01/2021 12:30

I think you're probably right @Fallulah - do it after mortgage paid. BUT part of me is so miserable in my current role I want to start on the rod to a way out, sooner rather than later!

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 30/01/2021 12:30

But would you want to retire anyway with a sulking man who puts himself first?

Sounds a crap retirement

Iwouldlikesomecake · 30/01/2021 12:30

I’m not sure you can really do nursing part time?

But I think go for it because if you’re that close to paying off the mortgage then you really can afford a couple of years reduction in income as your prospects ongoing are good if you get into nursing. If you want to become a band 6 or 7 in a few years you could be earning a decent amount even part time.

Iwonder08 · 30/01/2021 12:31

OP, my advice would be to try and rely on yourself rather than force to your husband to sponsor you. Do your math, figure out how much it would cost, how are YOU going to pay for it so you can contribute to all the bills as you do now. If it is indeed your dream career then take extra work, do something on top of your current role to be able to pay for being retrained as a nurse. You won't need his help or approval in this case.
I can tell you if my other half would tell me that at this age he would like to give up his job and become a nurse and would expect me to sponsor this adventure I wouldn't be happy either

NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 12:31

YANBU. I've been having the same discussions with DH lately and got my application in. But you've missed the UCAS deadline, it was 28th Jan, so you'll either have to go through clearing or wait a year, now.

Silenceisgolden20 · 30/01/2021 12:32

Why oh why do women put men first like this? Why is he not supporting you?
This is a no brainer.

knitajumperfromthat · 30/01/2021 12:33

@goldpendant - He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

That's your problem. You have every right to change your mind if you want to and have an adult discussion without this sort of reaction.

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