DH doesn't want me to retrain. AIBU?

[goldpendant]

Since I did a course at uni that wasn't right for me, I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine. Alas, I didn't, and I've now got a reasonably good career in something I used to quite enjoy - now I really can't stand it.

DH has always known this (married 8yrs).

His job is one he trained in for 7yrs, and while he's a bit disillusioned with it now, he earns very well and has a decent amount of kudos/prestige on the projects he does.

I earn half what he does, I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc. My career has been patchy over ten last few years to say the least and I find it dull, too academic, and I'm really really ready to walk.

I've just now done some training to help in the vaccine roll out. I have loved every minute - as I knew I would.

I'm under no illusions about a career in healthcare but I would love to retrain as a nurse. I'm 36.

My AIBU;

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.

I broached it with him today. He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

AIBU to push this? AIBU to want to do this? IHBU to be unsupportive?

Not the first time I've posted on here about this btw!

@3rdNamechange you can get an advanced learner loan which for some providers gets wiped if you then go on to complete a relevant degree at uni. Those tend to be more expensive though, and so if you do drop out and not use it you end up paying more back, albeit it's from student loans so it would be under that arrangement.

[quote 3rdNamechange]@Fastedbrownie but you'd support your husband if it was something that meant a lot to him ? I don't think anyone should put it to their partner as a fait accompli but surely if you could help you would ? Plans change , what you wanted at 30 might be vastly different to what you want at 40 ? [/quote]
Absolutely, but if there was an obvious middle ground that meant we could both reach our goals -which here is waiting three years- I would expect us to take that middle road unless there was a mighty good reason why it couldn't wait. What I would not accept is being dictated to simply because I want it and I want it now. There needs to be some give and take, and a lot of posters just seem to take, then get huffy and offended when the giver pulls on the reins.

Just to say that a lot of physios do work very clinically, especially for example, the respiratory physios who work in intensive care, don’t be mistaken into thinking they just work in outpatients or just give out crutches. They are an important part of the team.

I would say do it, but make sure you have childcare available and that includes your DH, because it shouldn’t just fall to you. You will expected work night and weekends. We have a lot of mature students and staff nurses.

@fastbrowie the OP isn't dictating? How did you interpret that?
She's unhappy and wants to retrain. That's an ok thing to want to discuss. If anything, he is dictating with his 3 year plan

Which the way, it think is a stalling tactic to hope she will forget.
Not once has she said I want this and I want it now.
And if you did personally chuck your hubby out for him asking to want to discuss a change of life TOGETHER then any partner is better off single then being treated like that. And your whole life would change anyway. So that's no win win result.
You don't own people.

OP if you feel good in a crisis, I know someone who recently retrained as a hospital theatre technician. Required a steady nerve as well as medical knowledge, precision, teamwork, cool head in a crisis etc. Also relatively regular hours rather than routine all night shifts.

Do it.
He s likely to die before you yes? If considerably older.
So do your favoured career.
You not cutting household income by much rekativrey speaking

Life changes & never stays the same

Life throws good & bad events at us all - like covid

Making up ages
56 mortgage free versus 36 mortgage free ?
Life looks & feels different at 50s, compared to 30s

Op hasn't said what DH plans were after being mortgage free

On the job front: you aren’t too old to study medicine, but I accept your points re your children (even if I wonder where your partner is in terms of looking after them). Have you considered a Physician Associate training? Shorter than medicine but you’d be doing a lot of the same things a doctor does and it’s a shorter training. If you have a decent degree in a science-related subject, it might be worth considering and there are plenty of mature students doing it. Also, nursing is likely to be as intensive in many respects if the impact on childcare is your main issue. Be a pity to miss out second time around due to factors you can change.

On the relationship front: your DH has a right to want an easy-going early retirement. You have a right to realise a deeply held ambition. 36 is way too young to give up on fulfilling work and any time spent in a soul-destroying job is a sad waste. You might be at a crunch point due to being at different life stages. He wants to coast towards retirement but that’s simply inappropriate for you. The biggest plus seems to be that you are financially stable and paying off the mortgage on a valuable property. Would downsizing be an option? It certainly doesn’t seem that money is the barrier to your re-training.

So many good and valid ideas on this thread, thank you all.

I think, to answer of few of them, that yes - DH has a good retirement in his mind, not early necessarily but at 65 yes. And he is a big saver, so saw us squirrelling away all savings post mortgage for grand trips and travels.

In terms of what plans we had discussed- us retiring at the same age was one recent idea. We didn't get to travel much pre children so that's always been one plan. Another was to keep this house on for the kids, or downsize it and to build our own small 'grand design' somewhere by the sea. These have been ideas we've both talked about and liked, not just DH. I do see some people's points that it feels like me moving the goalposts somewhat.

Physician associate - I LOVED the sound of this but established two years ago that I'd need to do a foundation year for this (and biology a level).

I have an earth sciences degree and a postgrad in science and society. But these aren't human bio enough for me to get into a physician's associate course.

I suppose I could do the foundation now part time(?) in readiness for starting a PA course in 3/4 years? Can I do the foundation p/t??

I think your DH is too invested in the future and not being happy now.

I was 36, married and had 3 teenagers when I decided to train as a nurse . If that's what you want , go for it .
I retired 10 years ago but enjoyed my career and in fact my daughter followed me into the profession

OP 36 is definitely not too old. For training as a nurse, for anything!

I am 39 and I'm getting myself sorted to finish a qualification and start my own business. It's terrifying but at the same time I don't want to be doing what I'm doing for the next 30 years.

You have, all things being well, your current lifetime still to live (does that make sense, you're 36 you could have at least another 36 years to go) so do something you love.

Your DH doesn't sound supportive and in 3 or 4 years it will probably be another reason why you can't do it. Figure out your priorities and make it happen.

Personally, I am not sure it is just OP’s choice- yes, her husband absolutely should be prepared to sit down and discuss it. But if it means big changes to their income and big changes in plans they have previously made together, then it cannot be a unilateral decision. It’s not as simple as “just go for it!” Or her DH is “a dick”. That’s childish nonsense. He might be selfish- or he might just be wondering why plans they made together are thrown up in the air.

Would it be ok if OP’s DH unilaterally decided to jack it all in to be an impoverished artist or just retire early? OP may have put her career on hold to have children- but presumably that was a joint decision and one OP was happy with.

OP- if I were you, be really sure nursing is what you want. You will probably need some more practical experience for applications. It’s easy to have rise-tinted spectacles. If you are going to throw things up in the air, be very sure and have a plan as to how to fund it/ how this will impact on your joint plans and finances. If my DH decided to pack it all in without having looked at the impact on finances/childcare etc (have you checked with your mum that she is happy to do all the childcare required, for instance?) then I wouldn’t be very impressed.

Are you academically in a position to start training now? Or will you need to do an access course first? Some universities want you to have recent study.

UCAS deadline for sept 2021 start closes tomorrow I believe. So you’d be looking at 2022 start unless they accept a late application....they probably will, applications are down about 50% this year!

@goldpendant

Physician associate - I LOVED the sound of this but established two years ago that I'd need to do a foundation year for this (and biology a level).

I have an earth sciences degree and a postgrad in science and society. But these aren't human bio enough for me to get into a physician's associate course.

I suppose I could do the foundation now part time(?) in readiness for starting a PA course in 3/4 years? Can I do the foundation p/t??

Careful. I considered PA course and was accepted onto one a few years ago. I’m still not seeing PA jobs advertised near me. Maybe they just employ people without advertising. But I worked in a hospital for 15 years until recently and there were/are no PAs there.

I think people are being harsh on your DH. You already earn half what he does and are proposing to halve that again...

What if tomorrow he said he wanted to retrain as a nurse (or something else at a quarter his current salary)? Then you would have a third of the family income of what you do now. He is basically trapped with no such option.

That said money is not everything and it sounds like you really want this and it’s a rewarding job, so hopefully you’ll work it out.

Would it be ok if OP’s DH unilaterally decided to jack it all in to be an impoverished artist or just retire early

Presumably yes as they have a £1m house nesrly paid off so can easily downsize to cottage in the north east

@addicted2spaniels

I went to a uni open day for nursing, and was really keen but as a mature student, I was encouraged to get some caring experience under my belt to support my application. So I got a job working 3 shifts a week in a nursing home. 1 year in, I was so jaded and despondent that I took all my Uni applications and threw them in the bin. I found it utterly soul destroying, tbh, it was hard work, thankless and exhausting. The worst part was the ... ahem... all female working environment and the sheer horror of the bitchiness. I've never experienced anything like it in my life.

I'd get a part time job in healthcare first, and explore your options before committing to a degree in something.

That was ONE team... Surely you can't let your dreams go on one negative experience??

Your kids don't want your house. That part of the future plan can adapt. Sounds like you need to talk to him about how to make it work, the selling point of your Mum rather than him or as well as him covering the home front while you are doing shifts.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado no, it wasn't just one experience, I went onto community care and that was even worse.

I'm sorry that your experience was so negative @addicted2spaniels