DH doesn't want me to retrain. AIBU?

[goldpendant]

Since I did a course at uni that wasn't right for me, I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine. Alas, I didn't, and I've now got a reasonably good career in something I used to quite enjoy - now I really can't stand it.

DH has always known this (married 8yrs).

His job is one he trained in for 7yrs, and while he's a bit disillusioned with it now, he earns very well and has a decent amount of kudos/prestige on the projects he does.

I earn half what he does, I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc. My career has been patchy over ten last few years to say the least and I find it dull, too academic, and I'm really really ready to walk.

I've just now done some training to help in the vaccine roll out. I have loved every minute - as I knew I would.

I'm under no illusions about a career in healthcare but I would love to retrain as a nurse. I'm 36.

My AIBU;

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.

I broached it with him today. He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

AIBU to push this? AIBU to want to do this? IHBU to be unsupportive?

Not the first time I've posted on here about this btw!

Do it and do it now. You don't want to retire in a few years how boring! Sounds to me like you don't really need the money so I'm sure you could cope financially and pay the mortgage off in a bit more time than you thought. You're only 36!!! And you only live once.

Will he be taking on more of the domestic/child stuff in retirement? Is he so much older that it is reasonable to be talking about retiring or is he expecting you to be main earner to a family with teenage/student kids who can be very expensive.

Have you presented him with a clear plan of how you will survive during training and on a nursing salary. Don’t fall for the “you can be a specialist on 40K plus in five years,” some are, but most are working gruelling shifts on the wards and making up their wages with unsocial hours supplements.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but you both need to be realistic.

Do it.

You will always regret it if you don't and will end up resenting him.

YANBU, you are very young still in working terms.

I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine.

Retrain to be a doctor.

YANBU to want to retrain and he isn't being unreasonable in wanting to take on that sort of financial burden. The reality is that he doesn't have a choice though.
If you just retrain and he gives you the hump, divorce in those circumstances would just mean he has to hand over a bigger chunk of his assets.

@Ohalrightthen

Would he be taking on more of a financial burden? If so YABU. There comes a point where you just have to accept the choices you've made, IMO. It's not fair to expect your DH to postpone his retirement because you want to do something different.

You're kidding right?

Op put her career on hold.....?

The mortgage is almost paid off and you're young, so why the hell not?

I would love to retrain, but our financial position isn't good so I'm not sure it makes sense. If I was in your position, I'd do it.

Your husband sounds like a dick.

I don't see the issue if you are financially secure. It's good to pursue a passion.

No time like the present - dear OP - go for it now. There are so many opportunities in the medical field at this time - something better paid may turn up on the way. Don't wait - life is short.

The nursing associate roles sound exactly what I'd like to do - but don't you need to be in an HCP role already?

No. We have had students who have zero experience of healthcare and are doing a nursing associate course through a university, rather than the hospital. Some pay their own fees, some don't, it's very confusing how it all works and seems to change.

The entry requirements for the nursing associate course at my trust are to have worked as a healthcare assistant for the Trust for at least 12 months by the start of the course. You then work so many hours a week and attend university one day a week, all fees are paid for by the trust and you are paid a band 3 salary while studying, and band 4 once qualified. You can then "top up" to being a band 5 by studying 18 months part time, not sure how the fees work for that.

You are never too old to retrain!

I retrained at 43 and it’s been the best decision ever. After working in hospitality for the last 15 year’s as it fitted around my children I now work in early years and I love it.

@goldpendant I'm a health care professional and whilst if being a nurse is your dream I would say go for it, if you just want to work in healthcare I would consider a job that has more stable hours and more earning potential such as physio, OT or speech and language for example. Less weekends and nights, less long placements where you work for free but you're still helping people and working within the healthcare environment. Careers like physio also come with potential to work privately as well as for the NHS. I personally wouldn't go down the nursing route as you will be working shifts and weekends and missing Xmas and birthdays for ever more. Just something to think about.

I think you'll regret it if you do. Nursing is a young persons game. You're going to be in your 40s by time you get started. You're going to be working twice as hard for half as much money. You might like the idea now but i think that will change very quickly.

I think if you were contemplating medicine you need to fully investigate nursing as a career choice.

There are increasing nursing roles with autonomous practice but getting there takes time and lots of not massively family friendly shift work.

All the nurses I know are working incredibly hard at the moment and have in many cases been pulled from specialist roles into ward based (often ICU) work to support the covid effort. There is lots of psychological morbidity.

As someone has suggested up thread there are other careers in healthcare - physicians associate may suit you. Or what about one of the allied professions - speech therapy, OT ?

Seriously do it now.

Hi op if I were you I would retrain and I would take up my full nurse training not the band 4 nursing associate.

I know you could work as a healthcare assistant full time and study to be a RGN I think it takes 4 years but you do get a full wage this route.

I don’t see why you should wait if your husband earns well. He’s being selfish.

Why nursing OP? What part of the role appeals to you?
You may find that actually jobs such as Physio, OT or SALT are better suited to you?
Regardless, there is nothing wrong in retraining. You certainly aren't too old in any of these professions either.

Thanks everyone so much, lots to think about in all of your responses but I do think this is a bit of a missed calling and one I have to follow up, now or in a few years.

I will look into the various routes, met some fantastic and inspiring lecturers at the course I did yesterday who are from the uni near me so perhaps I can get in touch with them about the routes in.

I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc.

Well it sounds like you're already sacrificing your career for his - assuming they're his kids too?

You're supposed to be a team, a partnership. Yes you need to take his wishes and dreams into consideration, but so does he. He doesn't want you to retrain right now not because it'll mean he retires later, because he won't, not because you financially will hugely suffer, because you won't. I'd place a bet on the fact that he's concerned because it's going to upset the childcare/home life equilibrium. ie you'll be less available to do all the things you do now that he probably doesn't even acknowledge.

If our put it off for three years, he will find another problem with it.

Retrain now. You never know what's going to happen in those 3-4 years. One thing you do know though is that in that timeframe you could have finished the training.

Figure out how to make it work and go for it.

Why nursing, good q;

I'd like something clinical, on a ward. Physio doesn't really appeal, nor OT. In another world I'd have done paramedic science but I don't see that being a good fit with a family. I do like a bit of a crisis, I'm very good in one, so perhaps a&e or theatre nurse? I don't know, very keen to hear more and explore the options though.

Midwifery is another route I'd love to look into.

I think if it’s not going to impact you too much then he should stop sulking and actually have a conversation with you and support you. Yes some of your plans may have to go on the back burner for a while but do it!! Go for it and enjoy it. What’s the saying “I’f you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life” go for it xx

. I think you are bonkers to think about doing it when you are on track to be mortgage free in 3-4 years on a home worth a million (). And you could "retire very comfortably" at 51.

I think you would be "bonkers" to stay in a job you do not enjoy for a mortgage free million pound home and an early retirement.

Retrain and enjoy your life while you are living it. Enjoy.

You don’t need your mortgage paid off at 36. It’s a very, very nice to have, but absolutely not necessary. If you half your wage I’m assuming that the most this could impact on what you currently pay of your mortgage as a family is about 25% (that assumes you pay 50/50 at the moment), and so you would pay it off in about four years instead of three. That’s such a non issue that to me the mortgage being paid off is a red herring. He just doesn’t want you to retrain.

Just do it now, pay your mortgage off a bit later ! You are in such a good financial position to have a mortgage paid off by 40 that adding on a few more years shouldnt matter in the grand scheme of things