DH doesn't want me to retrain. AIBU?

[goldpendant]

Since I did a course at uni that wasn't right for me, I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine. Alas, I didn't, and I've now got a reasonably good career in something I used to quite enjoy - now I really can't stand it.

DH has always known this (married 8yrs).

His job is one he trained in for 7yrs, and while he's a bit disillusioned with it now, he earns very well and has a decent amount of kudos/prestige on the projects he does.

I earn half what he does, I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc. My career has been patchy over ten last few years to say the least and I find it dull, too academic, and I'm really really ready to walk.

I've just now done some training to help in the vaccine roll out. I have loved every minute - as I knew I would.

I'm under no illusions about a career in healthcare but I would love to retrain as a nurse. I'm 36.

My AIBU;

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.

I broached it with him today. He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

AIBU to push this? AIBU to want to do this? IHBU to be unsupportive?

Not the first time I've posted on here about this btw!

This might be a bit outing but we also have my DM living with us for the next 3yrs.... a great time to get my quals done. While we have help in house for kids??

Sounds like your DH is eyeing up early retirement or a move to part-time himself, and your plans are going to force him to stay full-time for a lot longer to make up for your reduced income.

I think once the mortgage is paid off then it makes things much easier. Personally I wouldn't do it though, I'd be quite happy to stick in a boring, stable job, rather than chucking it in to chase a wish I had at 18.

@Shamoo

You don’t need your mortgage paid off at 36. It’s a very, very nice to have, but absolutely not necessary. If you half your wage I’m assuming that the most this could impact on what you currently pay of your mortgage as a family is about 25% (that assumes you pay 50/50 at the moment), and so you would pay it off in about four years instead of three. That’s such a non issue that to me the mortgage being paid off is a red herring. He just doesn’t want you to retrain.

This!!! The poster is right...it’s such a non issue. Totally agree with him not wanting you to do it because that will change his life, he’s comfortable with how you are now and by him saying wait for 3 years he’s hoping it’s just a pipe dream and you won’t want to do it years later. X

YANBU It's your life NOT his. You have potentially another 30 working years.

If in the future the marriage fails, you'll be left with a career you don't like. If he loves you, he should want you to be happy, not try to hold you back.

@goldpendant

This might be a bit outing but we also have my DM living with us for the next 3yrs.... a great time to get my quals done. While we have help in house for kids??

Even more of a reason to do it! Get it done xx

Your DH is being a selfish dick. My DH walked out of his industry job that was destroying him to do a PGDE and retrain as a secondary teacher. It was a financial challenge but I cheerleaded all the way. He now loves his job, has a much better work/life balance, it is the best thing he could have done.

You have nearly paid of the mortgage on a £1M house, you are so much richer than us financially. But health and happiness is worth more than money and I am so glad I supported my DH because we are a happy team with a strong marriage living within our means.

I would go for this now if there's only 3 years left on the mortgage. That's already a very good position to be in.
I know work isn't everything in life, but it is so satisfying to be in a job you really like and find rewarding. I am lucky enough to have this. Don't let it go past you - you're only 36 and you've had children already so don't have to make that choice between career and family.

If you’re a civil servant could you change role into something health-related? If you’ve got the desire for nursing then re-train but I suspect the vaccine training will give a bit of a distorted view of what nursing might be like.

Do it!

Get a job as a healthcare assistant and work your way up. It's very easy to do it in my trust now. There's no reason for you to go back to uni full time.

Retrain, but not in nursing. Long, long hours and low pay.

Retrain in something with a good work-life balance and great pay (I now work in tech.) I see a lot of women going for teaching assistant, social worker or nurse roles and everyone knows how poorly paid and stressful they are. You're worth so much more.

Sounds like a great opportunity. Take it.

YANBU. My husband is 20 years older than me and I'd want to know I have a good career to support me when he's older and unable to work/retired. Healthcare is an excellent profession to go into at any age and you can adapt it to fit your schedule. He's being incredibly unreasonable to expect you to write off your career for the next 60 years of your life just because he wants to retire and be done with it.

You’re definitely not too old for start nurse training, I was 31 and my friends who I trained with ranged from 30-48 at the start.
Have you looked into other options such as physicians assistant, their study/training is (off the top of my head) 3-4 years and you’ll come out the similar to a junior Dr (F1 I believe). Or gaining a nurse qualification you could aim to become an advanced nurse practitioner.
If you haven’t already, it’s worth getting some experience such as bank HCA in your local hospital.
But above everything, do what makes you happy! Good luck

I’d do it. I’m a doctor (started training young) and work with lots of senior nurses. There’s scope to become an ANP (advanced nurse practitioner) if you do a couple years more training (I think a masters) and then prescribe and can practice in a similar way to doctors. Or you can go into community work. You could do paeds. You could do hospice work. You could be a research nurse. There’s so much variety and scope for progression. The NHS can be soul destroying but I cannot imagine working anywhere else! I love it. Despite covid.

The adding a year to the mortgage doesn't seem like a big enough deal. Does he think if you go into nursing, and 12 hour days, he will have to do more parenting?

@goldpendant

Why nursing, good q;

I'd like something clinical, on a ward. Physio doesn't really appeal, nor OT. In another world I'd have done paramedic science but I don't see that being a good fit with a family. I do like a bit of a crisis, I'm very good in one, so perhaps a&e or theatre nurse? I don't know, very keen to hear more and explore the options though.

Midwifery is another route I'd love to look into.

You see, I used to think about this about nursing. But I quickly released that it was the HCA's who were doing the clinical, hand on's work. The poor nurses were so busy with dealing with medications, social work referrals, paper work for absolutely everything, MDT's, case conferences etc, that they had little time to actually spend with patients. Obviously this may vary slightly depending upon what field you work in. Physio for example is far more clinical, where you actually get time with your patients, often seeing them from the beginning of their journey to the end. Don't be fooled into thinking that physio is just sports injuries. You have so many different fields, respiratory, neuro, care of the elderly, orthopaedics, community, mental health, palliative care, women's health etc. Same applies to OT. Much more scope to progress though the bandings as well as having more family friendly hours.

As someone else said you can always become a physician associate (PA) which takes 2 years if you have a suitable science degree. But at the moment they can’t prescribe and they seem to be “stuck” at the junior doctor level doing basic ward work for many. They’re still carving their role out in the nhs so it’s all bit more uncertain.

Do it now. He's being selfish.

You're the one who has taken steps back for the sake of the family. This is doable. So do it. Set an example for your daughters.

I don’t see why you couldn’t. You don’t have to reduce work hours to study at university level. I went and did an MBA while working full time. That was in 2000 when no courses were online, i was in class from 6pm to 10pm three nights a week and all day on Saturday. My DHs only support was in childcare (we only had 2 DCs then). We lost zero in income.

Today with so much online, it would be easy to do a lot of studying in evenings and on weekends. Then arrange your holidays or take a leave of absence from work to coincide with any placements.

I say go for it.

Do it do it do it. I started a medical degree at 36. You don’t want to be miserable in your job for the next 35 years (that’s the whole of life to date, over again).

I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing if my husband weren’t supportive (yes financially but also sharing the domestic and childcare load), but he considers my professional satisfaction as important as his own. You husband should too.

Good luck x

I think if you don't, you will end up resenting him...and would be a massive regret

Do it!

So it's OK for you to take a salary hit looking after kids... And helping his career....

But you following your dreams is met with a damp blanket....

All the rubbish re nursing being a young person's game... What rubbish... Yes of course it's easier to do heavy nursing... But many many nurses I've come across professionally work in specialist roles.... They're not at bedsides, moving people, and chasing folk around.... This will be part of training, but far from the only role as a qualified nurse

You are totally reasonable OP and your DH should be supporting you. With the kinds of assets you have, you can afford to retrain. You have another 30 years of work potentially ahead of you, why not do something you enjoy? I get your DH might be a bit miffed about not paying off the mortgage when he had planned, but this is the next few decades of your life you are talking about. When you qualify and the mortgage, he could retrain.

I say this as someone whose husband decided he wanted to be a teacher and went from a 65k salary to a teaching bursary. He bloody loves it. We're not overpaying the mortgage any more or going on fancy holidays (not that we can at the minute anyway), but so what, some things are more important than money. Next year when he gets a proper teaching role, it will be my turn.

That's what marriage is. Not falling into line with someone's plans all the time and being miffed when they don't get their way.

Sounds absolutely perfect having your DM around too! Crack on and do it!