DH doesn't want me to retrain. AIBU?

[goldpendant]

Since I did a course at uni that wasn't right for me, I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine. Alas, I didn't, and I've now got a reasonably good career in something I used to quite enjoy - now I really can't stand it.

DH has always known this (married 8yrs).

His job is one he trained in for 7yrs, and while he's a bit disillusioned with it now, he earns very well and has a decent amount of kudos/prestige on the projects he does.

I earn half what he does, I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc. My career has been patchy over ten last few years to say the least and I find it dull, too academic, and I'm really really ready to walk.

I've just now done some training to help in the vaccine roll out. I have loved every minute - as I knew I would.

I'm under no illusions about a career in healthcare but I would love to retrain as a nurse. I'm 36.

My AIBU;

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.

I broached it with him today. He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

AIBU to push this? AIBU to want to do this? IHBU to be unsupportive?

Not the first time I've posted on here about this btw!

@Silenceisgolden20

But *@fastedbrownie* hes not doing this childcare and he's got to have his career. He also got support to retrain to do that. If you can't be supportive of each other in a marriage what is the point of being married? Why is it 'showing someone the door' because they don't agree with you? Arent you allowed to have a say in joint plans too? Think of all the money he has saved in child care. He would be the one losing out if she left. He isn't in charge. No one is in a partnership

She said he retrained BEFORE they got together. He didn't unitarily change the agreed upon plans without discussion and expect op to shoulder the burden of it.

And I despise this 'saved him money in child care' argument. I didn't have my children as a grand favor to my husband, and you didn't either. You had children because YOU wanted children. Op's is demanding asking her husband to shoulder the entire burden and sacrifice for something he doesn't want. Fuck of with that shit. I wouldn't do it, especially if there was no discussion and I was told to basically suck it up.

Whether you retrain now or in a couple of years rule you definitely won’t be too old ❤️ When I trained as a midwife a woman in my cohort was 51, decided Midwifery wasn’t for her in her LAST YEAR!!! Went onto train as a Paeds Nurse for another three years and is loving life!!

My one piece of advice for you though would be that it is vital that you have the support of your family and robust childcare arrangements in place. I’m sure you’ve already looked into the courses, but the training consists of approximately 2/4 9am-5pm study days a week at Uni (this may change depending on the covid situation-some offer distance learning but as I understand it most healthcare specialisms are expected to have face to face study) and blocks of hospital/community placement which could be Mon-Fri 9-5 or 12.5hr shifts (plus travel time to your allocated placement).

Although I didn’t have children when I trained and lived at home, I felt so lucky to have someone at home who was 1) interested in my day and who I could cry or rant to 2) willing to feed me 3) willing to wash my uniforms when I was exhausted or had come off of night shifts etc.

Now I live with my husband, I have that exact same support from him that I received from my parents. When children arrive in the future, my family and husband appreciate the sacrifices I make by being at work for 12+ hours a day and will be more than happy to help out.

About 1/3 of my new intake colleagues dropped out of the course because they hadn’t realised the external factors listed above would have such an effect.

Interestingly (and I’m just being frank here) there can be a high divorce rate with these type of courses (I witnessed four during my three year course). Sometimes due to lack of support and sometimes because husbands/partners were resentful that their partners were fulfilling a life long dream and weren’t ‘just’ (the husbands word not mine) the stay at home mum anymore. They became interested and interesting and passionate and opinionated as they learnt new skills.

When we arrived for our first day we had a lecture/talk from the Head of Dept. who basically said ‘don’t get pregnant, and make sure your partners at home understand the sacrifices that will need to be made to comply this course.’

Often shifts will fall on birthdays, anniversaries and any time taken off for kids being ill etc. will need to be made up. Not so much for Xmas and summer etc. As your leave is still quite generous-though not the lovely long summers that my siblings enjoyed during their Uni days 😂

I’m sure you have done your research but I wanted to give a bit more of an overview so that you can be 100% prepared for the ‘other’ stuff that often people don’t explain or once nurses and midwives qualify is quickly forgotten about.

Well what a charming partner you make.
Of course they save money in childcare.
What are you talking about?

She is discussing it with him. Hes sulking.

Why does she have to accept it?

Because it's not on to expect the DH to postpone his retirement if that's a consequence, both have to be considered.

Thing is OP is that life changes all the time. You can make plans and life happens and you have to change them. Nothing is set in stone.
He needs to discuss this with you.

@goldpendant

The nursing associate roles sound exactly what I'd like to do - but don't you need to be in an HCP role already?

They are band 4 roles, not qualified nurses. Do you have the qualifications to get on a nursing course ? If not look at an Access course first , if you do it part time won't it take longer than three years ? You'll have shifts when on placements , would your husband support that ? Saying all that , I hope you can do it if that's what you want and good luck.

YANBU. You supported his career by providing the bulk of the childcare so he didn't have to. Now it's his turn to support you.

Posted without finishing!

The point I was trying to make is that the course will be tough; physically, mentally and emotionally and if you’re coming home to someone who resents the fact that you have retrained and has no interest in what you’re learning and how your developing, and no interest in helping you by relieving some of the childcare and/or homeschooling duties then you’re going to find yourself in a bit of a pickle pretty quickly!

If money isn’t particularly a worry, there are healthcare sector jobs that still pay a really good wage but aren’t as long to retrain e.g Healthcare Assistant, Phlebotomist, Maternity Care Assistant etc.

@Silenceisgolden20

Well what a charming partner you make. Of course they save money in childcare. What are you talking about?

No, they don't. Having children is a choice. If you don't want them, don't have them. If want them but don't want to sacrifice your career, go back to work. There is no law saying the mother has to be the primary caregiver. If you are, that's a choice YOU made of your own volition. It was not forced upon you, the entire world and its mother doesn't owe you anything because you made a choice about your own life. You especially don't get to turn around and use it as ammunition to take somebody else's choice away, and expecting somebody to fund ANOTHER of your choices is doing just that.

God, sometimes I swear mumsnet is just a stomping ground for narcissists. It's just me, me, me all the time. Won't somebody buy me a giant cross so I can climb up upon it and have all my personal life choices hailed as the sacrifices they so clearly are.

I don't see what the problem is, nurses are always in demand, the salary isn't too bad, and you are in a good position financial.

You don't need his permission.

You are too young to be thinking of slowing down, far too young. You have your life before you and something you want to achieve.
Now is a good time to start nurse training and you certainly wouldn't be the oldest student.
You will regret it for ever if you don't. You will become resentful, and that is not a good thing.
You working doesn't stop him retiring or stepping down. You have supported him and took the hit on your career to bear and raise his children. He now needs to accept (and preferably support) your career choices.

funny OU sent me an email about pt nursing the other day.

Blimey @fastedbrownie
Massive projecting there and aggression!

Seriously, what are you on about? This is about a couple deciding their future. Not a political soapbox for you to have a rant.
How on earth does expressing her wishes make her a narcissist?
You are attacking for no reason. Wind it in.

I think it's not unreasonable for him to consider the practicalities. Me and my DH are in a stable place financially after years of scrimping and working together to reach this place, and in honesty, if he said he was going to retrain which would change our income a substantial amount, as much as I'd want to be supportive, I would also feel a bit cheated and concerned.

Depending on what he earns will depend how much maintenance loan you get, but if you could pay the bills and have a bit of a safety net in case something breaks etc then that's not as bad. Studying nursing is a huge commitment, placements will require a lot of flexibility his end too, and I do actually think for a degree such as this its important to have the backing of the other half (with children anyway because there's the family to consider rather than just the 2 of you).

That said, there are now different routes into nursing which allow for more flexibility etc, or although places are limited and you would need healthcare experience, the associate on the job training which can be topped up to a degree.

A family member of mine started their nurse training when they turned 40, enjoyed their nursing career far more than what they did previously until they retired a couple of years ago. There were plenty of mature students on their course. It is totally doable.

The attitude of you DH is a much bigger problem though.

Also if you need to do an access course as you have no recent study (past 5 years) maybe you could complete that and see how you feel? They do cost £1k+, but unless you have strong science a levels you will likely need one.

YANBU - do no put it off please! It is really unfair of him to put this pressure on you.

@Silenceisgolden20

Blimey *@fastedbrownie* Massive projecting there and aggression!

Seriously, what are you on about? This is about a couple deciding their future. Not a political soapbox for you to have a rant.
How on earth does expressing her wishes make her a narcissist?
You are attacking for no reason. Wind it in.

There's certainly some projection because I earn roughly seven times more my husband, but that doesn't make me his walking bank account with a vagina. If my husband made a totalitarian decision that he was retraining and told me that I was going to financially support him in doing, and that's that, even though it changes every goal we'd made and committed to as a couple, well, I'm not one to scream ltb, but he would be out the door. I certainly wouldn't be 'sucking it up' as somebody so gracefully put it. We could have a discussion, but nobody would be dictating to me that I am going to put my own dreams and goals on hold so that I can financially support them in chasing theirs.

How about another allied health profession? Occupational therapy, physio, radiography, psychologist? Hours and training routes can be bit less full on in some of those. ....Or tell him to do one and retrain as a medic

@Fastedbrownie but you'd support your husband if it was something that meant a lot to him ? I don't think anyone should put it to their partner as a fait accompli but surely if you could help you would ? Plans change , what you wanted at 30 might be vastly different to what you want at 40 ?

@goldpendant

Why nursing, good q;

I'd like something clinical, on a ward. Physio doesn't really appeal, nor OT. In another world I'd have done paramedic science but I don't see that being a good fit with a family. I do like a bit of a crisis, I'm very good in one, so perhaps a&e or theatre nurse? I don't know, very keen to hear more and explore the options though.

Midwifery is another route I'd love to look into.

You'd decide in your three years of placements what areas you like , it might be completely different. If you're thinking of midwifery , there's less places. I'd recommend being dual trained.

@Backbee

Also if you need to do an access course as you have no recent study (past 5 years) maybe you could complete that and see how you feel? They do cost £1k+, but unless you have strong science a levels you will likely need one.

Not always a cost. Lots of students I know have done them for free, but they have to pay if they drop out.

You would be in a great position if you paid off your mortgage in 3-4 years and you don’t yet know if you would even like nursing. Unless you’re desperately unhappy in your current job (as opposed to meh), you should stick at it, at least until then.