DH doesn't want me to retrain. AIBU?

[goldpendant]

Since I did a course at uni that wasn't right for me, I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine. Alas, I didn't, and I've now got a reasonably good career in something I used to quite enjoy - now I really can't stand it.

DH has always known this (married 8yrs).

His job is one he trained in for 7yrs, and while he's a bit disillusioned with it now, he earns very well and has a decent amount of kudos/prestige on the projects he does.

I earn half what he does, I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc. My career has been patchy over ten last few years to say the least and I find it dull, too academic, and I'm really really ready to walk.

I've just now done some training to help in the vaccine roll out. I have loved every minute - as I knew I would.

I'm under no illusions about a career in healthcare but I would love to retrain as a nurse. I'm 36.

My AIBU;

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.

I broached it with him today. He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

AIBU to push this? AIBU to want to do this? IHBU to be unsupportive?

Not the first time I've posted on here about this btw!

If he came home and said he was bored so wanted to quit work and study instead would you be supportive of that decision?

Nursing is really hard work and quite often long hours not compatible with family life. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Do you have childrdn. If so what ages.

You wanted to study medicine after you did your A-levels, and you've recently enjoyed some work you've been doing around the vaccine rollout... I wonder if you really have a realistic picture of what a career in nursing would actually be like. Do you have any family or friends who are nurses?

Absolutely go for it or you'll always regret it.
I'm 42 and half way through my second degree to retrain.
We have a 3yr old and a new baby arriving tomorrow (being induced) lots of plates spinning and it's hard work but DH supports me 100% because he wants me to be fulfilled and happy.

It sounds like you're in the privileged position to be one of very few people who actually CAN afford to do this with little-ish impact on other elements of your life. I'm the same age as you and I have 32.5years left on my mortgage (fuck!). So if you lose your current salary (roughly half of your combined salaries) you'll be paying your mortgage off in 6-8years rather than 3-4? Not a massive deal and a pretty small sacrifice to be able to follow your dreams. Do it

As others have alluded to, you don't know what the future might hold. Your marriage could end, your husband might die or become incapacitated quite a while before you. Having a career- indeed as you describe it, a vocation- can be your grounding in life, your security, giving you a sense of purpose and meaning whatever else happens. This is a crucial age in setting yourself up for how the rest of your life will look and from how you come across, I don't think you'll be satisfied with retirement in your early 50s and playing golf. That is perhaps your husband's dream

Go for it!

Maybe have a look into a trainee nursing associate course (they’re band four) it’s a two year apprenticeship course and you get paid a band 3 during your placement

Do it. Surely this pandemic has shown us life is short and unpredictable. Does he want a disgruntled and resentful wife for the next 50 years.

If you’re worried about the income side that is

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.
Dh and I have an age gap and it's a similar situation with us, he is thinking about retirement whereas I am thinking about retraining for a second career now my dd is almost grown up. It's a bit different with us though as I'm in my forties and not really sure what I want to do. In your case I think nursing is really tough from the training to the job itself, so if you are really cut out for this as a career you are going to have to fight for it all the way, starting with getting your dh on board. You do need his support but I think probably if he sees you are really serious about it he will get on board.

@goldpendant

He once suggested I do it after the mortgage is cleared.... so in 3-4 years from now. That would make me 40ish. Is that too late?

I see that I could start it p/t now, keep my good civil servant job on p/t and keep paying into the pension, then switch to f/t nursing when I qualify.... likely to coincide with clearing the mortgage....

Your option of p/t is sensible as you would keep your CS job p/t. This gives you maximum options and minimises any risks whilst enabling you to pursue the career you want.

To have a c£1m house paid off by 40 with good pensions, CS then NHS, puts you in an amazing position.

Your husband is at a different point in his career so is naturally more cautious, but this should not stop you pursuing the career you want.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

How much older is 'considerably older'?

If you are considering nursing, you can train for jobs that are available in day clinics.

You could consider NHS careers that aren't nursing like physio, radiography etc.

If you really wan't to be a doctor, study to be a doctor.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If he came home and said he was bored so wanted to quit work and study instead would you be supportive of that decision?

He's not doing the childcare. It's easier for men.

This won't be a popular opinion but this is one of the problems when people have a large age gap in their relationship

@theleafandnotthetree

As others have alluded to, you don't know what the future might hold. Your marriage could end, your husband might die or become incapacitated quite a while before you. Having a career- indeed as you describe it, a vocation- can be your grounding in life, your security, giving you a sense of purpose and meaning whatever else happens. This is a crucial age in setting yourself up for how the rest of your life will look and from how you come across, I don't think you'll be satisfied with retirement in your early 50s and playing golf. That is perhaps your husband's dream

This. His dream is not yours. Don't take for granted that you will always have a husband to protect you.

Oh I didn't mean protect. I meant joint finances

I think most things are exciting when you're only volunteering or they're new. Once it's your 'forever' it's much less exciting. I was an ITU nurse for a few years. First 6 months, every day was exciting. Patient deteriorates, excitement. Patient comes in very poorly, excitement. Patient leaves the unit after being really ill, excitement. Patient needs transferring to another hospital, excitement. Patient needs to be transferred to the CT scanner, excitement.

But then that becomes the normal. The politics grind you. The routines grind you. The amount of times I'd go home after treating a really poorly patient and think 'Did I sign the pressure care chart' and I'd phone the unit to check, because incomplete paperwork is an absolute no. Once I received a patient who was so sick. We spent all night stabilising the patient, two nurses and a doctor. All night. On my next shift, a supervisor 'had a word' with me because a property form hadn't been completed.

I'm not saying don't do it, but just be aware that novelty becomes normal very quickly. I often think I'd like to work at McDonald's for about 2 weeks, so I get to know their systems. I'd like to work for Costa for 2 weeks, get a handle on how they make their drinks. I could work in most places for 2 weeks, because I'm curious and I like to know how things work. But every job becomes mechanical in the end.

@goldpendant

He once suggested I do it after the mortgage is cleared.... so in 3-4 years from now. That would make me 40ish. Is that too late?

I see that I could start it p/t now, keep my good civil servant job on p/t and keep paying into the pension, then switch to f/t nursing when I qualify.... likely to coincide with clearing the mortgage....

That sounds like a really sensible plan - and will result in less stress for you while studying and only having one income coming in, children will be older, etc.!

40 is definitely not too old! I know a lot of very happy mature students. 🙂

In the meantime, if you work for CS usually, you can look in to their volunteering scheme (I can't recall exactly but they offer time off for volunteering) to get a bit of experience in other areas of nursing - get a head start on knowing where you might like to end up/specialise AND strengthen your application!

Good luck!

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Honestly if my partner didn’t support me in this—considering your very very comfortable financial position—I think I’d be showing him the door. Why does the world revolve around him? So you can be miserable in your career but as long as he gets to go mortgage free and retire young?!? Not your fault he’s old!

Funny, because if my husband came home and declared he was retraining and expected me to shoulder all financial responsibility without discussion, I'd be showing him the door too. You don't just get to change the what crops you're planting on a whim the night before the harvest. No thank you, I'll go my own way and live the life I had planned.

Does he really mean 3-4 years time or is he stalling you? Will the same conversation come up in 3-4 years time and there will be something else?

Talk this through and explain your plans are important too
Not plans he's deciding for both of you and if you don't agree, he sulks.

But @fastedbrownie hes not doing this childcare and he's got to have his career.
He also got support to retrain to do that.
If you can't be supportive of each other in a marriage what is the point of being married?

Why is it 'showing someone the door' because they don't agree with you? Arent you allowed to have a say in joint plans too?
Think of all the money he has saved in child care. He would be the one losing out if she left. He isn't in charge. No one is in a partnership

And also he wouldn't be living the life he had planned if they split. All his plans would need to change because he would need to do the childcare 50%
His retirement dream would need to change

Just do it.

You wouldn’t be halving the family income because he earns twice the amount you do.

You’re so young and in an amazing position (mortgage paid off in a few years). Good luck, I really hope you go for it!