DH doesn't want me to retrain. AIBU?

[goldpendant]

Since I did a course at uni that wasn't right for me, I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine. Alas, I didn't, and I've now got a reasonably good career in something I used to quite enjoy - now I really can't stand it.

DH has always known this (married 8yrs).

His job is one he trained in for 7yrs, and while he's a bit disillusioned with it now, he earns very well and has a decent amount of kudos/prestige on the projects he does.

I earn half what he does, I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc. My career has been patchy over ten last few years to say the least and I find it dull, too academic, and I'm really really ready to walk.

I've just now done some training to help in the vaccine roll out. I have loved every minute - as I knew I would.

I'm under no illusions about a career in healthcare but I would love to retrain as a nurse. I'm 36.

My AIBU;

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.

I broached it with him today. He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

AIBU to push this? AIBU to want to do this? IHBU to be unsupportive?

Not the first time I've posted on here about this btw!

YANBU

I’m not sure you can really do nursing part time?
You can.
www.port.ac.uk/study/courses/bn-hons-nursing-adult
www.swansea.ac.uk/undergraduate/courses/human-and-health-sciences/bschonsadultnursingpart-time/
Off the top of my head.

I have literally just left a career in teaching where I had got quite high up the pay scale to retrain to do something else I love at a much lower pay scale (currently) and I’m 39. I figure I have a lot of years left of getting up everyday to go to work and life is too short to regret what I get up for !! It’s tricky though as I can see your DH wanting financial security but money is only part of life (I know easy to say if you have enough of it ) and as long as it doesn’t leave your family going without anything what other objections does he have ?

I don't think it's unreasonable for people to retrain, but if they have a family they must consider the impact on them financially and otherwise. And you should also consider how reliant on him it would make you if he's the only earner while you retrain. It doesn't sound like he's very supportive of the idea for whatever reason, and that is a bit of a red flag

He once suggested I do it after the mortgage is cleared.... so in 3-4 years from now. That would make me 40ish. Is that too late?

No, the oldest person on my nursing course was 54 when we started. I think you are bonkers to think about doing it when you are on track to be mortgage free in 3-4 years on a home worth a million (). And you could "retire very comfortably" at 51.

What is it about nursing that appeals to you? Have you ever worked in healthcare before? The reality is very different to what I thought it would be before I started. In your position of not needing the money, I would be more inclined to look at other things, like a part time masters course to stretch your brain cells and, and volunteer roles in a hospital or hospice, or St John's ambulance or the reserve army/RAF.

I wouldn’t wait three/four years either.

He's dissolusioned with his career too. He may not have a career change in mind but it sounds like he's coping by thinking about the mortgage being paid off and so on.

Don't think he's quite turned into a child like someone suggested but he's had something on his mind which he's going to need to adjust too.

Talk to him. Show him the benefits of this change including you being happier.

Don't give up on it but don't start throwing ultimatums into the mix and I'm sure there will be a solution that makes you both happy.

Do it now if you can..... yes your income will go down but you will be happier... if theres one thing surely we are learning from this shitshow is that hanging on for the future is mad... never never have i appreciated the 'gods laugh at plans' phrase than this past year... who knows wtf will happen in 3/4 years....

yes you could do it later........ but there maybe another reason not to then - he doesnt wan't change sounds like he has a nice cushy life(nothing wrong with that....)......fair enough but its not all about him - i think your initial plan sounds good of p/time - but maybe think through the childcare coverage for shifts/placements etc throughout the length of the course.. for your own peace of mind if nothing else!
Go for it...

15 more years minimum of a job you don't like?
If I had the opportunity to retrain I definitely would.

I would argue that it’s your turn now and the perfect time to retrain.

However, as a nurse, I wouldn’t go in to nursing right now.

O think part time is the reasonable answer
The financial burden will be on him yes, but it doesn't sound like as a family that will be a struggle. Why wouldn't he want you to be happy.

You should definitely go for it!

There are also lots of other roles in healthcare that aren’t nursing - physios, OTs, radiographers, etc - if you haven’t worked in healthcare before it might be worth looking at all the different options as well as nursing to find the one that you’ll enjoy most.

Would it be better to spend some time looking at roles and present him with a worked out plan?

The difficulty with nursing is placement and a lot of roles are shift work, so potentially has an impact on family time. However there is lots of scope for progression at the moment, and our matrons are working almost at the level of a GP.

Have you looked at associate physician training? You might need a relevant degree.

Or allied health professions? Usually more family friendly.

It's very difficult to get shadowing opportunities at the best of times and with COVID probably impossible but perhaps you could make some contacts within your vaccinator role?

You are far too to settle for a job you don't like when you can afford not to.

Go for it. Good luck.

He once suggested I do it after the mortgage is cleared.... so in 3-4 years from now. That would make me 40ish. Is that too late?

No.

A friend of mine qualified as a paramedic last year. She turned 50 last week

He didn't retrain while we were in our relationship, but he did study as a mature student having had a crack at something else beforehand and changing his mind later.

So he retrained, but you can't? OK, it was before your relationship, but you are still allowed to change you mind as he did. He seems to want everything arranged to suit him.

You're not happy in your job, and this will eat at you if you don't do something about it.

I'm currently doing an access course with the aim of gonig to university in 2022, and I'm 52. There's no right or wrong age to do this. My ex refused to support me in this, turned out he was jealous that I might get qualifications better than his. My late teen DCs are very much behind me doing this.

As for the pp who reckoned you needed to just accept your circumstances, no way. We are all able to change our minds and direction. Sort your finances out and go for it.

You took a drop income, when you had your dc, so that he could further his career.

Yet, he’s not willing to do the same for you?

It doesn't sound bonkers to me. If you are on track to retire early anyway, you will have more choices open to you in nursing jobs because you won't be so reliant on the wage. I'm sure nursing will remain undersupplied so if you want to take short term posts in order to travel every so often, that could be viable after your husband retires.

I agree you're probably right not to go for medicine, though some people do at your age. I'm a bit over 10 years older than you, and having started specialty training I dropped out of clinical work about 15 years ago. I'm seriously looking into getting back into it now - which is looking more possible than I thought - but I agree with the advice I'm getting that trying to go back into postgraduate training to consultant level isn't worth it (some other reasons as well, mind you). It's a long road!

Good luck looking into it and finding an option that works for you. Then sell it to your husband when you know exactly what you want.

OP, come on. You have been open about what you desire and are truly interested in. You have compromised on your career goals when he furthered his career and clearly must be making very good money if you're paying off such a lsrge mortgage in few years' time. With no disrespect to your current income but halving it really likely won't have such enormous consequences on both of you now as he's trying to make up, it will only be temporary and it is also likely that your pension will be better than your current one. You are in a comfortable position. Don't sacrifice yourself entirely. I'd have an honest conversation with him and go for it. Good luck 🍀

YANBU. Just do it!

Look at trainee nurse associate roles. You’re paid whilst training, and can later “upgrade” to RGN if you wish

The nursing associate roles sound exactly what I'd like to do - but don't you need to be in an HCP role already?

I’d be really upset if dh suddenly announced he wanted to retrain and cut his salary in half. Realistically it would put me in a spin. That’s not to say I wouldn’t support him but I’d need to understand the plan as it would inevitably impact on my life plans with dh. Could you take bank hca shifts to try it out and see what you’ll be doing?

Do you think you would find working in healthcare as satisfying as volunteering in healthcare (as part of a meaningful initiative)? Mentally it's quite different, and the impact on you of bureaucracy and organisational pressures are totally different as a volunteer compared to an employee.

Honestly if my partner didn’t support me in this—considering your very very comfortable financial position—I think I’d be showing him the door. Why does the world revolve around him? So you can be miserable in your career but as long as he gets to go mortgage free and retire young?!? Not your fault he’s old!