DH doesn't want me to retrain. AIBU?

[goldpendant]

Since I did a course at uni that wasn't right for me, I always wish I'd stuck to my guns or re-taken an a-level to study medicine. Alas, I didn't, and I've now got a reasonably good career in something I used to quite enjoy - now I really can't stand it.

DH has always known this (married 8yrs).

His job is one he trained in for 7yrs, and while he's a bit disillusioned with it now, he earns very well and has a decent amount of kudos/prestige on the projects he does.

I earn half what he does, I put my career on hold to have 2DCs, and am doing the bulk of the homeschooling now etc. My career has been patchy over ten last few years to say the least and I find it dull, too academic, and I'm really really ready to walk.

I've just now done some training to help in the vaccine roll out. I have loved every minute - as I knew I would.

I'm under no illusions about a career in healthcare but I would love to retrain as a nurse. I'm 36.

My AIBU;

DH is considerably older than me. Talks now about retirement plans etc, paying off mortgage, buying a holiday home etc: we are on track to do this in three years, we have great equity in our house in a v desirable area. If I refrained in nursing I'd be halving our income but I'd still have a good pension and a long career ahead of me.

I broached it with him today. He stropped and sulked and told me 'I'd never be happy' and that I want to 'change all our plans again'.

AIBU to push this? AIBU to want to do this? IHBU to be unsupportive?

Not the first time I've posted on here about this btw!

If your mortgage will be paid off in 4 years then you have full financial security. What better time would there be to retrain! You are young enough to train and have a full and successful career doing something you clearly love. Do it! Where is his resistance coming from? Is he hoping you would spend more time together/work less? If he could explain what he feels uncomfortable about then you could work through that together. But still, do it!

Go for it, it's your life. I can't put it any stronger than that. Do it FFS.

I went to a uni open day for nursing, and was really keen but as a mature student, I was encouraged to get some caring experience under my belt to support my application. So I got a job working 3 shifts a week in a nursing home. 1 year in, I was so jaded and despondent that I took all my Uni applications and threw them in the bin. I found it utterly soul destroying, tbh, it was hard work, thankless and exhausting. The worst part was the ... ahem... all female working environment and the sheer horror of the bitchiness. I've never experienced anything like it in my life.

I'd get a part time job in healthcare first, and explore your options before committing to a degree in something.

Why did your career take a back seat in the first place and why are you working PT? Did you want that to be more available for the children or is it something that your husband wanted for you? If it's the former and that's what you chose to do, then it is unreasonable to say that it's all about what your husband wants and you should wait until the mortgage is paid off. If it's something that you felt was foisted upon you, then YANBU.

@IDKNABYBIF22

He once suggested I do it after the mortgage is cleared.... so in 3-4 years from now. That would make me 40ish. Is that too late?

No, the oldest person on my nursing course was 54 when we started. I think you are bonkers to think about doing it when you are on track to be mortgage free in 3-4 years on a home worth a million (). And you could "retire very comfortably" at 51.

What is it about nursing that appeals to you? Have you ever worked in healthcare before? The reality is very different to what I thought it would be before I started. In your position of not needing the money, I would be more inclined to look at other things, like a part time masters course to stretch your brain cells and, and volunteer roles in a hospital or hospice, or St John's ambulance or the reserve army/RAF.

I think this is really good advice. You could even do something like this now - a Masters or volunteering - to see how you feel once the mortgage is paid off.

I have a lot of nurses in the family and they've all said for as much as it's a vocation for them, they wouldn't retrain in it now if they had the choice.

Do it now. This is your time.
He needs to come round to your way of thinking.
You need to be firm.
You are married, he has a lot more to lose if you got your separate ways (not saying you are).
The mortgage is just a red herring, he earns enough that this doesn't need to be affected.
I think you need to get to the bottom of what is really going on in his mind. Is it you are asserting some independence, is he afraid that you being much younger he is feeling insecure, does he not want his cushy life interrupted.
You need to go for this. He is still working for the next 15 years, 3 years training for you and a satisfying career for another 12 years.
You need to do this for you and he should be proud.

Please don't sell yourself short either. Go for medicine if you want to. I teach on access, plenty of people your age do the one year access course and do get on to medicine, many more than people expect. And vet science, and nursing, midwifery etc.

Unis know how hard mature students work and commit so grab your career by the scruff and go for it. You are so young, it's your turn now having sacrificed so much for his career and your DC,

Hi OP I was in a very similar position to you twenty years ago. I was also thinking of retraining in a medical field. We were living overseas and DH had a very well paying job. I dithered about the decision and the years slipped away - DH started talking about the travelling we would do when he retired. I didn't retrain and it's something I really regret, so I would say go ahead with your plans and start a new career. Good luck

YABU how are you going to homeschool and retrain at the same time?

@goldpendant

He once suggested I do it after the mortgage is cleared.... so in 3-4 years from now. That would make me 40ish. Is that too late?

I see that I could start it p/t now, keep my good civil servant job on p/t and keep paying into the pension, then switch to f/t nursing when I qualify.... likely to coincide with clearing the mortgage....

I only started in higher education for the first time at 38 on my access course and I was 41 by the end of my degree, loved every minute of it, I think being older really helps when starting a degree, life experience and work experience that the younger students just don’t have. My diploma for HE was in biomedical science and my degree was in biological science. It was hard at times, but I was determined and stuck with it, juggling the kids and house at the same time. Go for it, you’ll love it and it’s a nobel profession. Good luck!

This thread also shows the difference between men and women and expectations.
I bet if it was him wanting to do this, he wouldn't be fretting about it as much
Women have so much more to consider, especially the child care. It all comes down women having to justify why they want to do things rather than going for it.
Had he forgotten why he married you? He must have been attracted to this spark. Why is he trying to push that down? It's not just financial , that wouldn't explain the sulking. There's more to it.
Whatever it is will drive you apart if he's not careful. Why is he automatically making the decisions?

Please don't ignore you. Don't ignore how this is making you feel.
Women become 2nd. All the time.
With his support, there must be a way you can work it out as a family.

So it, i was the same age when I started my training, you will love every second of it but just be prepared for the unsociable hours as a student that you will have to work.

@Ohalrightthen

Would he be taking on more of a financial burden? If so YABU. There comes a point where you just have to accept the choices you've made, IMO. It's not fair to expect your DH to postpone his retirement because you want to do something different.

Why does she have to accept it?

Maybe he'll be convinced if you model the nurse's uniform for him?

(more seriously)
If he's that much older than you, then what if he drops dead suddenly? You and your kids need the economic security that comes from a satisfying career that will also pay the bills.

You've pretty much got a free hand to do what you want. You have enough money to do this and still live very well. Just do it. I could understand his reluctance if it oiled mean you'd struggle to pay the hills but this is jsut ridiculous. It's your house/ lmoney too, what's the point of it doesn't make you happy?

@notapizzaeater

I'm hoping to retrain as a nurse next year and I'm 53 !

Wouldn't you get a bursary ? You could do bank shifts if it's the income that's an issue ?

You get a £500 golden handshake to entice you because this government stopped all bursary's, and now you have to pay £27K to do your nursing training, and apply for student loans instead. This is why there is a huge shortage of NHS staff across the board, these courses all use to be free.

Yanbu op 36 is still young so do it. The only word of caution I would have is that nursing is a demanding full on course with 12 hour back to back shifts the norm. Just be prepared to be exhausted.

@NotFabulousDarling It is totally possible to apply through UCAS after January-- places accept applications while they have places left. You can apply up until July without dropping into Clearing and most Nursing courses will still be open to apply.

OP do it, you can't put your life on hold for a bloody mortgage and retirement. You're only 36. You'd be not only doing something you enjoy but you would be helping so many people in bad situations. That is worth much much more than having paid of the mortagage. You gotta live life!

I would definitely go for it at your age. How many more years does he expect you to put your dreams on hold? You’ve already let this take a backseat to have children together.

One of my best friends who was already a career scientist retrained as a medical doctor at 37. She did fast track because of her background but it was still a long haul to get to consultant level. She loved it and she’s really happy now.

If your DH is older he can do more childcare!

Do it. You will never be out of work and you will be doing something that actually matters. Does the age gap between you and DH cause any other issues? Sounds like he has assumed that you will just go along with his plans that he has made for the two of you.

I agree with @addicted2spaniels. I retrained from a career that bored me to tears into teaching when I was in my thirties, and I bitterly regret it, and now can't get back into my old (very cushy) career. And would I want to anyway? My problem now, is I have no idea what else I would do.

I suspect what you're doing now is not a true reflection of what nursing would be like. You need to work part-time as a carer to give you a better idea.

Also, I get the impression that nursing is almost as bad for impacting on family life as being a doctor is, so much better to retrain as a doctor - you can always move down to an easier job if you want, but it'll be almost impossible to retrain again to move up.

I've also discovered over the years, that, in many ways, it's not the job per se that makes a job horrible/boring, it's the team you work with. Would a move in the same job but a different environment help?

If you do make the move, make sure you don't burn bridges, and make sure you can get back into your current role if it all goes tits up.

If you were due to pay off mortgage in 3 years. What were your DH & your plans ?
Have the plans been discussed ?

Can you compromise ?

Is he concerned about Covid ?

A nursing or medical qualification will help you if you remain together or split in the future

I strongly recommend you apply to your local trust as a bank hca and get some shifts before you apply. See the reality and decide if it's for you.

I wouldn't advise anyone to do nursing nor midwifery atm. The working conditions are appalling.

If you are going to be mortgage free in 3 years
Do you both need to work ?
Or both work PT
Or one work
Or downsize & volunteer ?