Friend went snooping

[Sunnyshades5]

I'm really close to a man who's changed his whole life around in the last year! He went through years of struggle that led to bad choices and he ended up in hospital. I won't go into huge details.

He's months and months sober.
Earning good money and working 5-6 solid days a week.
He's rescued a dog as part of his recovery. The dog gives him something positive and keeps him company.
He's skilled in what he does and is always getting offers for work. He's popular and seems to be supported alot. He also reaches out to anyone struggling and offers to tell them how he did it. He often gets contacted because he really has turned around.

We didn't plan to become close. But we met through a friend and developed an instant friendship. We are several months into a really close friendship. It's cups of tea and conversations. I can call him anytime. He can call me. We catch up everyday and once life resumes more we will probably go out and about places. Overall he's just lovely and I think the world of him. We help eachother with anything the other can't do.

I know his story. He's told me all the details. Why it happened. What happened. How it ended. He also told me part of his recovery is to be honest about his past. He told me he was terrified of meeting new people and opening up. But he felt safe talking to me and I know it was a massive thing telling me.

My best friend was curious about him as we've been close a while now. So I told her all his good points. Told her he's had some struggles and kept his story private mostly.

She went digging. I think her heart was in the right place. But her husband works in the same Industry and she sent him to work to dig out info. She then text me to ask if I was free for a walk.

I went to meet her. She asked to see his photo. Then she told me her husband had found out he's a p**s head. He's done this and that. She told me everything he had openly told me. I thanked her for caring. Told her he's not hiding anything. He's told me in detail everything she just said. I then said all I can say is he's like this now. He's turned his life around. He didn't want to be that person. He didn't enjoy being that person. He's trying to lead a normal life now and whilst I can't say he never will relapse he's currently living a normal life.

I'm just upset with it. People love gossip. People find it so easy to judge. To Tear someone to pieces. I fully expected one day my friend would meet him. But now she's made me feel like she's written him off. I just feel she had no right to snoop. Go fishing for information. Go discussing me with men who do not know me. What if it gets back to my friend. How is he supposed to feel?

How would you feel? I do understand people would have seen him when he was poorly and that will be their view on him. But I still feel my friend had no right.

I think your friend is just looking out for you, and to be frank, I think you are bestowing far too much trust upon this man. You barely know him and addicts are very skilled liars. The only side of him you know is the one he's allowed you to see.

I think your friend is being understandably cautious about someone with his history, and who clearly has used his skills to charm you. You’re only ‘months and months’ into a ‘close friendship’ and you’re sticking up for him over your best friend. You’ve fallen for his spiel of the reformed addict, who has all the zealousness of reformed addicts, reaching out to help others, available to them at the drop of a hat, rescuing a dog, when in reality he’s sober less than a year and should be focussing on himself and not holding himself up to others as an example of “how to do it”. Let him do that when he’s a decade sober, not mere months.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. I’d take heed of your friends concerns.

She sounds like a good friend to me by looking out for you. I'd have done the same.

Your new friendship sounds rather intense. Your best friend sounds like she is concerned about you.

I am not using my grip, would you like to borrow it.

Your snooping friend is not nice at all, and it's a pity that you discuss this man friend with her,in any way at all. You know this man, and can make your own mind up about your friendship with him. Some people have a habit of making bad judgements about a person, who may have had a past that was troubled, and that is all they go on, without knowing anything else.

You know this man

No, she really doesn't.

It's great that you've formed a bond, and it's awesome that he's turned his life around. The only word of warning I'd give is that for some (not all) 12mths sober is not always the point of no return. There's the initial buzz, the feel good 'high', and its quite often than a former addict will channel a 'new addiction' to compensate for the previous one. And that doesn't always have to appear 'negative'. It can be working all the hours given, finding a new project, wanting to spread the 'word'. But unfortunately until they 'settle', into not always as rosy as its cracked up to be. Addiction is something some folk can crack 1st time, for others it's more likely 2-5th attempt, and sadly for some it's never. I'd just be careful to not build him up in your expectation too high, in case this isn't his turning point.

You sound really invested in someone you don't really know that well. It's interesting that you say he's been sober months and months. Does that mean he's not been sober a year yet?
I think your friend is trying to look out for you. I'm sure it didn't come from a bad place.

You haven't known him for very long and he hasn't been sober for very long. It's absolutely fine to be friends with him but please don't think that you know him really well and can trust him. It will take years for you get to that point.

Relapses are very, VERY common. My mother has been at almost the 1 year mark before relapsing on multiple occasions. She has now been sober for 4 years and it's only really recently that I've started to settle into the idea that she really is permanently sober.

YABU OP. You say you know what he's done, your friend is just telling you what you already know, so what's the problem?

Do you mean her husband works in addiction services and "went digging" then passed on information to your friend? If so that's very disturbing.

I disagree with the others, your friend should have minded her own business and trusted your judgement. People in recovery from addiction need support not distrust and judgment and gossip

Also AA do tend to advise that you don't form a relationship with someone new early on into your recovery (it does read that you feel you may become more than just friends). It's a long slow journey and if someone hits a blip then it can become even harder if trying to balance emotions of a new relationship. I'd also be a bit 🙄 if he's stating that 'so many other people are reaching out to him?'. At 1yr on the 12 steps he'll have a mentor, but wouldn't be put forward as one himself as its way to much way too soon. And the whole point of the program is to enable pp to work through their own issues without taking on other ppls. I'd be very cautious and i think your friend is just looking out for you.

What's all this sober a year bullshit? YOU op are the good friend. Your bestfriend sounds like a typical gossip. Who sends their husband into work to find out about another employee. This poor man, hits a bump in the road and apparently his sobriety means f all unless it's for 12 months. I met a woman a few years ago who was a month sober at the time, we became close quickly, she had relapsed just before it and I spent hrs listening to her troubles and I was happy to do so because I knew she could do it, she had already done it for a month!! Amazing. Before that she drank everyday all day. Guess what she's now one of my best friends, married, has a beautiful little girl and couldn't be happier. People can turn their life around and a year sober is not a magic amount of time to celebrate or be fully devoted to them. People make mistakes, keep being that good friend that you are because you sound like such a great support for this man. I highly doubt if he was a she your friend would have done the same thing, ridiculous.

@Becstar90 If your friend was an alcoholic who was drinking all day and everyday. Then to be honest it's pretty dangerous that she quit just like that. Alcohol dependacy is extremely toxic to the body and chemical imbalances. Nobody who is physically alcohol dependably should ever be advised to 'just quit'. It's extremely dangerous and can result in the DTs and seizures. Anyone who is alcohol dependant should gradually withdrawn and follow a daily drinking less diary to prevent them becoming seriously unwell.

She is being a good friend, don't be cross with her. a year off the drink isn't enough for some, but the way you describe him is too hopeful and lacking in understanding. It is not just his past, it is who he is, so be more present, if you want him.

You’re gushing a LOT over someone you don’t really know that well. Of course he’s told you all the things you want to hear. Maybe he has reformed into a dog rescuing noble angel, but that will only be known with the passage of time. Your friend is right to be looking out for you as you don’t seem to be even considering that he may not be the person you are building him into. She is probably worried that you are setting yourself up for a long fall. There does not seem to be any caution in you, in what you have said in your OP, just blind trust and faith in someone who sounds like they have had a lifetime of problems. A lifetime can’t be erased that quickly.

He's months and months sober.

Which is not very long.

I would do the same for a friend if I suspected he or she could cause them heartache. She is looking out for you.

'Months and months' I am assuming is still under a year which is early days in terms of recovery. It all sounds very intense - it's great that you are supportive but beware of becoming his emotional crutch and loosing sight of yourself. Cut your friend some slack.

YABU she is looking out for you. You're clearly besotted with this man.

What your friend did (well, her husband) was a bit out of order but sounds as though your friend is just trying to look out for you.

Your male friend sounds very charming, but also intense. I'd make sure you have clear boundaries in place and try not to get too sucked in to his world, keep your own feet firmly on the ground. X

It certainly sounds like this relationship has moved very fast and your already relying on each other.

Hmmm....it really depends what he did while he was drinking/drug taking or whatever else it was. For example if she has found out that he beat his girlfriend up several times then I think she's absolutely right to warn you to take things slowly or to just avoid getting involved altogether.

The fact that you are reluctant to go into the finer detail of what he did sort of tells me that you fear getting the same responses from people on here as you did from her.

Most people do deserve a second chance. Some people really can and do change but let's be honest, many can't and other people suffer when they relapse or start to show their true colours.

I think looking at previous replies there is a lot of focus on the fact that he drank and is now in recovery and not enough focus on what he did in his recent past that he now blames onto the drinking.

I know his story. He's told me all the details. Why it happened. What happened. How it ended. He also told me part of his recovery is to be honest about his past.

(friend said) 'He's a pisshead, he's done this and that

He's told me in detail everything she just said. I then said all I can say is he's like this now. He's turned his life around. He didn't want to be that person. He didn't enjoy being that person.

There is a obviously a big worrying backstory here. This is about more than just the fact that he was a problem drinker. I think there are some specific actions that your friend is driving at here and it's that detail that you are reluctant to bring into this conversation.

He told me he was terrified of meeting new people and opening up. But he felt safe talking to me and I know it was a massive thing telling me.

It doesn't sound as though he's terrified. You've only known him a few months and he's laid quite a lot of deep shit on you already.

Keep your powder. Give him a chance by all means but don't be naive and don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Even if he is going to be a completely changed man it's far too soon to tell yet.