Friend went snooping

[Sunnyshades5]

I'm really close to a man who's changed his whole life around in the last year! He went through years of struggle that led to bad choices and he ended up in hospital. I won't go into huge details.

He's months and months sober.
Earning good money and working 5-6 solid days a week.
He's rescued a dog as part of his recovery. The dog gives him something positive and keeps him company.
He's skilled in what he does and is always getting offers for work. He's popular and seems to be supported alot. He also reaches out to anyone struggling and offers to tell them how he did it. He often gets contacted because he really has turned around.

We didn't plan to become close. But we met through a friend and developed an instant friendship. We are several months into a really close friendship. It's cups of tea and conversations. I can call him anytime. He can call me. We catch up everyday and once life resumes more we will probably go out and about places. Overall he's just lovely and I think the world of him. We help eachother with anything the other can't do.

I know his story. He's told me all the details. Why it happened. What happened. How it ended. He also told me part of his recovery is to be honest about his past. He told me he was terrified of meeting new people and opening up. But he felt safe talking to me and I know it was a massive thing telling me.

My best friend was curious about him as we've been close a while now. So I told her all his good points. Told her he's had some struggles and kept his story private mostly.

She went digging. I think her heart was in the right place. But her husband works in the same Industry and she sent him to work to dig out info. She then text me to ask if I was free for a walk.

I went to meet her. She asked to see his photo. Then she told me her husband had found out he's a p**s head. He's done this and that. She told me everything he had openly told me. I thanked her for caring. Told her he's not hiding anything. He's told me in detail everything she just said. I then said all I can say is he's like this now. He's turned his life around. He didn't want to be that person. He didn't enjoy being that person. He's trying to lead a normal life now and whilst I can't say he never will relapse he's currently living a normal life.

I'm just upset with it. People love gossip. People find it so easy to judge. To Tear someone to pieces. I fully expected one day my friend would meet him. But now she's made me feel like she's written him off. I just feel she had no right to snoop. Go fishing for information. Go discussing me with men who do not know me. What if it gets back to my friend. How is he supposed to feel?

How would you feel? I do understand people would have seen him when he was poorly and that will be their view on him. But I still feel my friend had no right.

Gosh I wish I had a good friend like yours she hasn't gone mental and said you need to leave him just told you the facts which to his credit seem to line up with what he told you

Why are you valuing him so much above her? She is your friend according to you she hasn't come out with dump him or else so whats the big deal

I just feel she had no right to snoop. Go fishing for information. Go discussing me with men who do not know me. What if it gets back to my friend. How is he supposed to feel?

If her husband has abused his position/breached confidentiality in some way, then you are right to be annoyed. But it isn't clear what you mean when you say he works in the "same industry" (to whom/what?)

Your description of the friendship is vague, minimising and all a bit intense. If your described it to your friend in a similar vein, I'm not surprised you piqued her curiosity/concern. And she does sound concerned about you.

This may be missing the point but it seems completely wrong for your friend's DH to access confidential personnel info at work and share it with his wife who then passed it on to a 3rd party? Isn't that a sackable offence?

You need to find out 1st hand and rely on 2nd hand news, and distance yourself from the snooping friends

@MRex and @Iminaglasscaseofemotion it just all reads really really familiar.

I’m not putting this down in a bad way but it just rang alarm bells. It sticks out because I remember feeling sorry for the dog in case the OPs new friend relapsed again. Hopefully it’s a stable home for the dog.

2 things stand out to me:

1. Your friend is concerned about you and this man, and whilst I can appreciate where you are coming from, there must be a reason for this.

2. There's a lot of 'minimising' in your post about what this man has done and you obviously don't want to share details about what he has done. This speaks volumes to me about you wanting to bury your head in the sand about the 'bad bits'.

I'm not saying this man hasn't changed and turned his life around, but as anyone who has worked with addicts will tell you, they can be very manipulative, and lots of addicts eventually relapse; so just take your time with him and don't make any hasty decisions.

@Mooballs

This may be missing the point but it seems completely wrong for your friend's DH to access confidential personnel info at work and share it with his wife who then passed it on to a 3rd party? Isn't that a sackable offence?

I didn't read it like that. Perhaps the DH just asked around. There are lots of industries where you would know of others in the same field.

@ilovesooty

Do you mean her husband works in addiction services and "went digging" then passed on information to your friend? If so that's very disturbing.

That's not what "works in the same industry" means.

What are the circumstances of the friends DH digging up information through work? Wouldnt it be confidential?

Not sure about the rights and wrongs of this person. I'd proceed with caution. But your.friend/her DH sound out of order.

If I was your friend I might ask around about your new friend as it all seems very intense. I’d be concerned for you as she is. You’re being very defensive.

I had a friend like this, she thrived on gossip and told everyone ! Needless to say she’s now an ex friend, I thought I regret losing our friendship I now wish I had lost it earlier! Her judgemental bitchy attitude stank !

Mmm it does sound as though you feel very defensive on this mans behalf. I’m assuming your best friend pre-dates him by a lot and unless she has form for being nosey for the sake of it it’s safe to assume she is just concerned.

There is a lot in your post about this man and his life - but little detail. What are the incidents that have worried your friend?? Criminality? Violence?

There’s also next to nothing about you in your post. How is your life? What was your life like when you met him? Were you vulnerable in any way, say for example having been in an abusive relationship or having difficulties with your mental health?

It’s definitely worth looking at your own life and how you are because as an addict with less than a year sober and during a pandemic, he may well relapse. Hopefully not but how able would you be to handle any of this previous behaviour if it starts up again? Would you have support? Do you feel your boundaries are strong enough to walk away from this new friendship if it does turn sour?

These are all things that are wise to consider - it doesn’t mean you have no faith in your new friend, just that you are taking steps to ensure you protect yourself and your heart if you need to.

What are the circumstances of the friends DH digging up information through work? Wouldnt it be confidential?

I understood this as asking mutual acquaintances what he was like and getting back pisshead, drunk/hungover at work, got into a fight at the Christmas party etc. I dare say she was hoping for reassurance that his bad behaviour was ancient history and there was nothing to worry about.

@Aquamarine1029

I think your friend is just looking out for you, and to be frank, I think you are bestowing far too much trust upon this man. You barely know him and addicts are very skilled liars. The only side of him you know is the one he's allowed you to see.

This. Please be cautious. She’s a good friend, who doesn’t want to see you get hurt.

If I was your friend I would be concerned because a few months sober is nothing in the recovery journey and addicts can be skilled liars. You seem quite blinkered and keen to minimise whatever happened in his past and dismiss concerns, which gives the impression that you're potentially vulnerable to being taken for a ride by this guy if it turns out he isn't all he claims.

There seems to he a lot of people who seem to think asking around in the same industry equals gross misconduct, it isn't.

I come from a multi -generational family of addicts of one type or another. I agree you are investing too much in a man who hasn't been clean for long.

And IMO your friend wasn't gossiping, she was passing on important information. She wasn't to know how honest or otherwise he has been with you.

Reading between the lines I think something your friend has said is ringing a warning bell and rather than acknowledge that and act on it, you are trying to discredit her by labelling her a gossip. Don't shoot the messenger here.

She’s a good friend.

There’s nothing to say people can’t and do change, but you seem very sure that this is all in his past. He is a relatively short period sober which is great but he is still in the very early stages of recovery. Do not lose sight of this.

Amazed 40% think yanbu.
Even more surprised it's 40% based on the valid comments and posts on here suggesting YABU.

I think your friend was looking out for you.
The way you write is very focused on him and very defensive. You don't say much about your own situation.

Your relationship sounds very intense and he is only months sober indicating you met him pretty much as he was getting clean.

You need to read up on addicts as you are most likely in for one hell of a ride. Relapses are common.

@changingmine

It is a miracle anyone can move on with their life given the number of people invested in kicking them down.

Your friend is a typical, gossip-driven self important (and I will also bet that she is white privilege plus) who actively prevents other people from living with dignity. Awful self righteous behaviour.

You sound like a lovely person.

But no one is ‘kicking’ this man. The OP’s friend is clearly concerned that her friend has classic rescuer/ ‘He’s Different When He’s With Me’ /Tormented Soul and the Woman Who Believes He Can Come Right syndrome, is besotted with an addict who is only months into recovery, and is retrospectively glamourising and minimising his past.

The OP is upset because her friend hasn’t bought into the Wonderful Man storyline and is bringing a different and unflattering perspective to his (very recent) past. Even if the recovering addict friend has already given her the gist, it’s going to be entirely different to hear from a third party that he, say, was unsafe in the workplace, or did time for drink driving, was violent to a partner, has children he hasn’t seen in years, for example.

OP, you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Why are you so invested in this new ‘friend’, and keen to minimise his past by telling yourself he’s no longer the same person and, anyway, it all happened when he was ‘poorly’, and he ‘didn’t want to be that person’? Are you thinking of this man as a potential boyfriend, and were looking forward to introducing him that way to your friend, only now she’s not going to be impressed by him, but concerned and disapproving? Why are you so keen to believe in your version of this man rather than your friend’s?

She’s absolutely right to be concerned about you. You’ve got your Reformed Bad Boy glamourising/ minimising goggles on very tightly.

Ask yourself why you’re more worried about your former addict friend’s response to your friend’s husband’s digging? Why is he suddenly higher up your agenda than your long term best friend’s legitimate concern?

OP you call him your friend but it sounds like you’re building it into an epic once in a lifetime romance, but it’s more likely to be a tragedy.

As someone whose life was ruined by becoming involved with an alcoholic I would say get rid of this guy. He is not telling you the full story and lies and manipulation go with the territory. Also you just don’t become an ex alcoholic without a lot of work and the craving will always be a battle for him. You cannot trust this guy. You think you know him but you are wrong. Run for the hills

If you are posting on a phone or tablet you can't vote, not on apple ones anyway so voting stats are unreliable

I don't think the OP is coming back somehow.

Reading between the lines I think something your friend has said is ringing a warning bell and rather than acknowledge that and act on it, you are trying to discredit her by labelling her a gossip.

I agree with this. Your new friend had told you about his past actions but, as long as you and he are in a cosy safe bubble due to Coronavirus, you can frame these actions as things people "saw him do" while he was "poorly" (very minimising btw). Everything can be framed in a positive way, without being challenged. This doesn't mean your new friend is lying, just that you want to see things a certain way because you are (clearly) strongly drawn to him.

Your old friend has burst your bubble, and made you picture the real world context of these actions. Whether she did this maliciously (for gossip) or to protect you can only be judged based on your past friendship.

He is working solid days 6 days a week and got a dog? That poor thing, I hope it’s in a doggy daycare at least