Friend went snooping

[Sunnyshades5]

I'm really close to a man who's changed his whole life around in the last year! He went through years of struggle that led to bad choices and he ended up in hospital. I won't go into huge details.

He's months and months sober.
Earning good money and working 5-6 solid days a week.
He's rescued a dog as part of his recovery. The dog gives him something positive and keeps him company.
He's skilled in what he does and is always getting offers for work. He's popular and seems to be supported alot. He also reaches out to anyone struggling and offers to tell them how he did it. He often gets contacted because he really has turned around.

We didn't plan to become close. But we met through a friend and developed an instant friendship. We are several months into a really close friendship. It's cups of tea and conversations. I can call him anytime. He can call me. We catch up everyday and once life resumes more we will probably go out and about places. Overall he's just lovely and I think the world of him. We help eachother with anything the other can't do.

I know his story. He's told me all the details. Why it happened. What happened. How it ended. He also told me part of his recovery is to be honest about his past. He told me he was terrified of meeting new people and opening up. But he felt safe talking to me and I know it was a massive thing telling me.

My best friend was curious about him as we've been close a while now. So I told her all his good points. Told her he's had some struggles and kept his story private mostly.

She went digging. I think her heart was in the right place. But her husband works in the same Industry and she sent him to work to dig out info. She then text me to ask if I was free for a walk.

I went to meet her. She asked to see his photo. Then she told me her husband had found out he's a p**s head. He's done this and that. She told me everything he had openly told me. I thanked her for caring. Told her he's not hiding anything. He's told me in detail everything she just said. I then said all I can say is he's like this now. He's turned his life around. He didn't want to be that person. He didn't enjoy being that person. He's trying to lead a normal life now and whilst I can't say he never will relapse he's currently living a normal life.

I'm just upset with it. People love gossip. People find it so easy to judge. To Tear someone to pieces. I fully expected one day my friend would meet him. But now she's made me feel like she's written him off. I just feel she had no right to snoop. Go fishing for information. Go discussing me with men who do not know me. What if it gets back to my friend. How is he supposed to feel?

How would you feel? I do understand people would have seen him when he was poorly and that will be their view on him. But I still feel my friend had no right.

You've got a good friend there

I guess it depends on whether she is genuinely looking out for you or just loving the juicy gossip.

I think it's worrying that your friend's husband used his job to delve into someone else's past. Don't they have to sign something about NOT doing that? Big time abuse of trust. I'd be horrified to hear that and would be more likely to question your friend and her husband's motives.
You said it yourself, what would your new friend think if he found out? I hope he'd report the sneaky so and so.
It takes huge courage for an addict to ask for help and your 'friend' and her husband could well make someone think twice about it. His behaviour is appalling and he should be reported.
It sounds to me, more that he was showing off about his job than doing you a favour.

I think it’s great that your friend is looking out for you but at the same time she/her husband didn’t need to go and dig into your friends private life and even more to then tell you all about him and his bad points.
No one is perfect not even your friend and her husband. I’m sure they have ‘dirty secrets’ they’re be embarrassed about.
Everyone does seem very quick to judge at the moment but we all know why...
Your friend probably wants the best for you but there is sometimes an element of dare I say ... jealousy, when those in long term relationships get jealous of new, fresh, deep, real LOVE!

@karalou2

I think it's worrying that your friend's husband used his job to delve into someone else's past. Don't they have to sign something about NOT doing that? Big time abuse of trust. I'd be horrified to hear that and would be more likely to question your friend and her husband's motives. You said it yourself, what would your new friend think if he found out? I hope he'd report the sneaky so and so. It takes huge courage for an addict to ask for help and your 'friend' and her husband could well make someone think twice about it. His behaviour is appalling and he should be reported. It sounds to me, more that he was showing off about his job than doing you a favour.

Christ. RTFT. nowhere does it say the husband used his job inappropriately to find out info. He works in the same industry as this guy, he doesn’t work in a health or other service where this guy was a client.

Your friend is an interfering busy body.

It would be one thing to warn you if she knew this bloke and knew something about him. It’s quite another to actively go looking for information on someone she knew nothing about but thought it her business to find out about.

Everyone has a past. Some people’s isn’t as rosy as others, but this man has been honest with the OP about his. It sounds like the friend hoped the OP didn’t know and was going to be the one to break the news to her, turns out she was wrong.

Where do we draw the line on snooping on people? if your DC meet partners in the future are you going to go looking to see who they are and what they might have done so you can tell your DC to stop seeing them?

If a poster posted here that her ex was seeing someone and she had gone snooping into the woman’s past she would be rightly told that it was none of her business.

Yet here it’s seemingly ok for someone who is allegedly a friend of the OP to go and do exactly the same and take it on herself to become judge and jury over this relationship?

Your friend was wrong to go snooping and sharing the negative from his past, thats just what it is, but I guess she was reasonably concerned. What I will say, from personal experience of a relationship with an addict now in recovery is this. They talk a good game. In recovery the addict has a huge amount to deal with, its like building an adult from scratch. You must be very careful not to fall into a codependent situation whereby you become a prop for their lifetime of unprocessed trauma and pain. He may never drink again - fingers crossed. But he has an awful lot to work through, and it goes on for years. Keep it platonic as long as you can. And do not become his therapist. Encourage him to regular aa meetings and therapy if he can afford. People do recover, but its not straightforward and it can be incredibly dark and difficult even in a recovered place. Focus on you and your happiness outside of your connection to him. Give him a little (ALOT) longer. Diving into a relationship in these fragile stages may shift things radically. Honestly though, read up on addiction and recovery, also the subject of codependence and good luck! It can work. But it takes WORK.

OP, you sound like every next girlfriend of the abusive ex.

And everyone in his industry knows about him, because his addictions and abuse lead to him being a huge flake, and lots of his co-workers and bosses have been burned by his actions.

Apart from when he's 'turned his life around'. Come back in a couple of years and tell us how this has gone for you.

I didn't listen to my friends either. I probably banged on about 'be kind' and 'mental health' too. Luckily two of them were there to pick up the pieces when I was black and blue, being stalked, and taking him to court.

And these types always have exes hanging around. It's trauma bonds and codependency. And a handy shag for the eternal victim that this man is.

It's not a problem that you are proceeding, if you were doing it with your eyes open. But the fact of you rushing to condemn your friend for looking out for you means you really aren't doing that. You've already fallen for his pity play.

OP, you sound like every next girlfriend of the abusive ex

Yup, this.

OP, your friend may have been clumsy about this but she has no stake in this and her only motivation is your well-being.

I wonder if she has personal experience of the whirlpool that addicts create, often inadvertently, that sucks good people down with them. Please listen to her... if nothing else she'll save you the tedious hassle of being yet another woman being leaned on to supply free emotional work in exchange for the illusion of happily ever after.

If he really is a good friend, with the possibility of more that you mentioned, he will still be those things after two years clean.

nowhere does it say the husband used his job inappropriately to find out info. He works in the same industry as this guy, he doesn’t work in a health or other service where this guy was a client
This.
It's also quite concerning how quickly some women are suggesting that a old friend is obviously a jealous, judgemental bitch and her husband has broken GDPR, committed a stackable offence etc.
All this 'trust your gut... he's your friend... you know him best... if he feels happy with you that's good' combined with the guilt tripping 'addicts relapse because nobody gives them a chance... how are addicts meant to have a fresh start if people are so judgey... so former addicts should have no friends then' are quite concerning responses and smacks of saviour nobody understands him but me, he says I'm different, I know him best, my friends must be jealous of us, it's us against the world.

You sound infatuated with this guy. Exercise caution, he has not been sober long and you have known him even less. Your friend was concerned for you and I think she was right to be.

Not the OP, I know but woods, please cut that man out of your life. I was gobsmacked reading your post

@woodsorrel1 I just read your post and it’s horrifying. Why are you still with a man who broke your back when he was drunk, didn’t come to see you for three months after he did that and still drinks despite what he did to you? You need to work on your self esteem and move on from this man he is a waste of your precious time. Also the way you still talk about alcohol yourself like it’s a treat and enjoyable after all the pain it has caused you is sad ☹️ you don’t need it and you certainly don’t need him.

As for the main poster of this thread. You have a good friend, you are lucky people care about you. Tread with caution in your new relationship, take it very slowly and stay independent of him so that if anything goes wrong it’s easy to get out.

@Sunnyshades5

I've never been involved with anyone like this. My last relationship was positive and lasted ten years. I'm a strong women who's never suffered with mental health.

I love my friend. She cares I get it. I value her still. I haven't fallen out with her. I'm a little hurt she went snooping..

As for my new friend. I am not co dependent. We don't live together. We are mates who may go further one day. So far it's balanced. He's been there for me and I've been there for him.

Yes he may relapse. But if he does and he changes I'll walk away. But let's hope he continues forward. He was half an hour from death less than a year ago. It's not my job to save him. I liked him before I knew everything or anything. He's a nice man. He's honest about his sleep struggles. He tells me he's scared of new relationships. There's no rush with any of it though is there? It's cups of tea and hanging about. It's not infatuation. I get on with him. I can see the good in him and the bad. He's not violent and never has hurt children. He lost his job and his ex couldn't handle his depression. I understand he would have been hard work. But he's now on a new path and trying his best.

Like I say mental health is always shared on facebook. People make out they will be there day or night for any of their friends struggling. But look at this post. Full of accusations.

I have my eyes open. I am not infatuated or thinking I can fix him. I like him because of how he treats me and until he does anything bad I will defend him that he's trying to live a life and survive just like the rest of us.

He's not violent and never has hurt children How on EARTH do you know that?! Honestly, you're coming across as so naïve that it's cringeworthy

If your friend was a gossip she would of found out the info and gossiped with everyone else, not asked you to go for a walk and tell you

I think it's worrying that your friend's husband used his job to delve into someone else's past. Don't they have to sign something about NOT doing that? Big time abuse of trust. I'd be horrified to hear that and would be more likely to question your friend and her husband's motives.

Fuck's sake, where do you get this from, @karalou2? No-one ever has to sign anything saying they will never talk about other people within the same industry. The situation is akin to someone working in, say, a Tesco's, who has friends amongst Sainsbury's managers passing on the fact that they've heard that the manager of the next town's Sainsbury's has been let go because he kept getting complaints from customers due to his attitude when drinking and they'd seen him at managers' meetings visibly the worse for drink (disclaimer: no offence to Sainsbury's managers, I'm sure they're all hard-working non-alcoholics).

Another example would be a small incident last year: I met someone at a conference (pre lockdown, happy days) who worked in a company an ex colleague of mine was moving to. I told him I knew her, they were lucky to get her, and I thought he'd enjoy working with her. If the person I met went back and relayed that to his colleagues or even his wife, neither he nor I would have been breaking any confidences.

The simple fact is that alcoholics do tend to reach a point where what is going on becomes very obvious, and word spreads. If someone asks around and is told facts that are common knowledge within the industry, they have done nothing wrong whatsoever.

One year sober is really nothing- as amazing as it sounds- your friend is looking out for you- and you do sound almost infatuated with this man.Try and take a step back and look at it from your friend’s point of view- she was concerned enough to go ‘digging’ - maybe because she was worried you had such an intense-it seems- relationship with someone that you hadn’t really known that long. I speak from experience ( ex husband was alcoholic) and it is v common to relapse several times- also for this man, it isn’t a good idea to get so involved with someone so early on in recovery either. 💐

Thank you. I understand for people who have experienced bad Things and have been here it's frustrating and perhaps you think I'm stupid and nieve.

The thing is I'm not going to be moving in with him or relying on him for anything. I'm just his friend and ofcourse it will take time. I know emotionally he isn't balanced yet. But I also know none of us are perfect. My friend who dug out the info isn't perfect. She smokes weed for example. Her husband's depressed and sometimes smokes weed to sleep. They are still good people and functioning parents.

As I say I didn't know until we were friends. He's opened up. I will never know if he's playing a game or if he's got a plan to screw me over. All I can know is what he's showing me. Maybe he is talking the talk. Or maybe he's determined to stay sober and each week he's getting closer and closer to a long successful recovery. Maybe he will drop down and go through harder patches.

The person saying how do I know he did not hurt children. There are no children around him. His own are adults. He has a good relationship with them. Like I say his ex has choosen to be a friend that calls in for coffee once every few months. She still has their pictures on her Facebook just like he does.

I don't know the ins and outs of their relationship. I know they both often worked away in the week. Their sex life suffered because he was depressed. She couldn't handle his depression. Which is understandable and he knows that.

It's funny how so many people have decided what I am. I'm this stupid women falling for his nonsense. I'm going to get hurt and played. I'm clearly wanting to fix him. Maybe my posts read like that. But I don't rely on him for anything. I am a healthy adult.

My friends husband asked men in the industry about him. One lad told him how he was at his worst in 2019. That stuff as I say he's told me about and he said drink is a poison to him. He has talked about how he thinks alcohol should be illegal. Because it wrecks so many lives. He isn't proud of his past. He still feels rubbish about himself. He isnt walking around like a god. He has alot of confidence issues. I would be exactly the same. I would also hope people would see the good in me too and give me a chance to have a clean future. He hasn't screwed up anything with me and I've had no evidence he's touched any drink. He's working everyday and when I'm speaking to him he's sober and with it. I can't say anymore than that. He's not hidden his past. He's learning about himself as he says. He knows he's on a new path.

I am defending him but I'm also willing to write a post talking about how wonderful my best friend is. Because she is. I just would like to be trusted to figure this out myself. I'm not vunerable at all.

As I say mental health is almost fashionable on Facebook. Yet when you read on here it's no wonder people end their lives or don't talk. You can be written off for struggling and be accused of battering women and children.

It is natural to be curious when someone has a new relationship and maybe something had triggered her concern and prompted her looking a bit more at your new friend. It must've been a difficult conversation for her to broach with you and so try and cut her some slack, she was probably really worried how you would react if you already knew and realised she'd gone looking, or if you hadn't known and she was the bearer of not great news. At least now you know you can have an open conversation with her about any concerns you have without breaking the confidence of your new friend. There's a lot to be said for going into things with eyes open!

Something similar happened to me, I met a guy he had a criminal record, I knew everything about what had happened as he had told me straight away.

My friends Googled him etc and tried to warn me off, they were just looking out for me.

I was really upset I felt like they would never give him a chance but they have done and actually everyone gets on perfectly. The past can be the past.

Hope eveything works out. Apologies I haven't read the whole thread so if I've missed anything.

I am defending him but I'm also willing to write a post talking about how wonderful my best friend is. Because she is. I just would like to be trusted to figure this out myself. I'm not vunerable at all

And yet all you’ve repeatedly wrote about is how wonderful he is, whilst attempting to throw your friend under the bus for attempting to help you.

It’s totally normal for her to say to her husband you’re dating a guy who works in the same industry as him. It’s also totally normal for him to say to a friend, hey my friend is seeing x do you know him. This does not mean she thinks your vulnerable or is not permitting uou to work it out yourself, that’s a dramatic over reaction that is totally and utterly unjustified, yet you persist.

It’s very clear you want more with this man and are romantically very very interested in him, and you’re pissed she knows the truth about him. Much much more than you wanted her or us to know.

And that’s fine, but own it. And try to keep in mind the honest truth is in the near future you are likely going to be hurt and need friends who care about you, because the odds of you having the fairy tale ending you’re secretly hoping for are sadly stacked heavily against you. And even if nothing happens between uou and him, the fact it didn’t work as you wished and everyone was right, it’s probably going to hurt you a lot.

Sounds like a family member. Great bloke, so into everything working his socks off. Previously married, previous relationships into the tens and seems to set up shop with someone new every few years, falling off the wagon in between. I swear every woman he meets is feels he’s so focussed in trying/ tuned in/ understanding and adventurous. He is all those wonderful things, but not when things go bad.

With absolute respect, just because he has no children in his life, doesn't mean he has never hurt any children. I'm certainly not 'implying' he has, I'm just saying not to declare it as not possible, based on what he's told you or what you know about him.
All people are saying, is that you don't know anything for certain. Anything is possible with anyone new you meet - male or female.....sadly. It's awful but in this world we live in, anything is possible.

Ah mums net where everyone needs to reform themselves then will be spat on if they do